What to do about crying

mypet wrote:

Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?

My 3.5 year old is very sensitive to transitions, leaving situations, etc
- I find that giving her *plenty* of warning makes a big difference in her
reaction to the change. Saying things like, 'in 10 minutes we are leaving
to go to school' and then 'in 5 minutes we are leaving to go to school,'
and then a very clear 1 minute and then follow through. Even buying a
small timer and setting it so that its tangible, ie: when the bell rings,
we are going to go..., etc. Sometimes kids don't pay much attention to
that numeric style, so defining a timeframe that they can relate to such
as 'I'm going to push you 5 more times on the swing and then it will be
time to go.', or 'choose a song to sing together, and when the song is
over, we are going to ....' And then follow through. Of course the
important part is the following through part!

If she doesn't like where we go to eat, I tell her she can either choose
something to eat from the menu or else she can wait and I'll make her a
peanut butter sandwich when we get home. Thats it - she can choose from
those 2 options. Once they figure out you won't budge, they stop the
crying/whining routine, but it takes a few weeks of persistent parenting
to get there. Provide her with limited choices - kids that age like to
have *some* control over what is happening.

cara

On Fri, 14 Nov 2003 00:01:56 +0200, LisaBell
wrote:

My best weapon against crying (and whining) has been to engage the
kids in a more tolerable form of self-expression. I tell my daughters
that I will listen (and consider) any complaints they have so long as
they *speak *, not cry or whine. I try to find a compromise which will
satisfy their complaint, when I can, and even when I cannot, talking
it over usually diffuses them.

--Lisabell

It also helps to say *I can see that this makes you mad or sad*

Kids want to know that you understand and hear them.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Ignoramus12517 wrote:


Imagine this situation. You go to a restaurant where she does not want
to eat. She throws a big tantrum.

What can you do except leave?

Not much.


Leaving, however, is highly effective, particularly
if leaving doesn't get her what she wants (e.g., if she's
screaming to leave the restaurant because she wants to go
to a different restaurant, you don't leave the restaurant
to go to the one she wants to go to!). You can also leave
her with a babysitter the next time you go out to dinner.


Best wishes,

Ericka

If there are two adults one can take her to the car and sit while the
other eats and then they can trade off,

Ignoramus12517 wrote:


Imagine this situation. You go to a restaurant where she does not want
to eat. She throws a big tantrum.

What can you do except leave?

Not much.


Leaving, however, is highly effective, particularly
if leaving doesn't get her what she wants (e.g., if she's
screaming to leave the restaurant because she wants to go
to a different restaurant, you don't leave the restaurant
to go to the one she wants to go to!). You can also leave
her with a babysitter the next time you go out to dinner.


Best wishes,

Ericka

Ignoramus26064 wrote in
:

Okay, what do you think about this maxim:

"parents should always be getting their way"

just being bigger doesn't make you always right. so, i'd have
to disagree. sometimes my 3 year old has a very valid reason
for wanting to do something his way & if i was stuck on the
mindset of "the parent is always right" i'd miss out on
understanding what he is concerned about.
shrug i've had a lot of Boo's therapy providers tell me i'm
unusually in tune with his needs... maybe because i *do*
listen to him & observe his actions/reactions to things? he's
not a difficult child, he's just wired a little strangely
lee

Marion Baumgarten wrote:


If there are two adults one can take her to the car and sit while the
other eats and then they can trade off,


Yes, we've done that. The other thing we did when
#2 was going through a rough spell was take two cars. When
he acted up, one parent would take him home while the other
continued to have dinner with the other child. That really
got his goat ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , Ericka Kammerer says...

Marion Baumgarten wrote:


If there are two adults one can take her to the car and sit while the
other eats and then they can trade off,


Yes, we've done that. The other thing we did when
#2 was going through a rough spell was take two cars. When
he acted up, one parent would take him home while the other
continued to have dinner with the other child. That really
got his goat ;-)

Doesn't make for a good date, which is what I think the OP's complaint may have
really been.

Four is a tricky age developmentally - they get stubborn about the weirdest
things. I remember my son doing things like not wanting me to pass our house if
we were out on errands, unless we go into the house.

It's a matter of:

1. Some discipline (not rewarding the undesirable behavior, as others here have
said)
2. Awaiting more development to occur in the child
3. Some accomodation and flexibility as both #1 and #2 are taking place.

Banty

Banty wrote:

In article , Ericka Kammerer says...

Yes, we've done that. The other thing we did when
#2 was going through a rough spell was take two cars. When
he acted up, one parent would take him home while the other
continued to have dinner with the other child. That really
got his goat ;-)


Doesn't make for a good date, which is what I think the OP's complaint may have
really been.


True, but we found it really, really effective, such that
we got back to being able to go out with no problems very quickly.


Four is a tricky age developmentally - they get stubborn about the weirdest
things. I remember my son doing things like not wanting me to pass our house if
we were out on errands, unless we go into the house.

It's a matter of:

1. Some discipline (not rewarding the undesirable behavior, as others here have
said)
2. Awaiting more development to occur in the child
3. Some accomodation and flexibility as both #1 and #2 are taking place.


I agree, but I'll confess to being a stickler for
restaurant behavior. If the kids can't behave at a nice
restaurant, then they don't get to go. Period. It makes
me really cranky when kids are disturbing others at a
restaurant. Fortunately (for us, anyway, since we go out
fairly frequently ;-) our kids really *like* going to decent
restaurants, so the threat of not being able to go is a
significant one to them. When they're in a rough patch
developmentally, we do avoid restaurants that require
behavior that is just beyond their abillities at the
moment. Still, we've found that by taking some care, they
really are quite good in restaurants overall. There are
very few places that I wouldn't take them (most being
things like places where there are very expensive, multiple
course dinners that last more than two hours). Nearly
anything else goes.
I do also agree about 4yos being a bit squirrelly.
Actually, we're finding a rough patch with Colin at 6yo as
well. He's having a really hard time coming to grips with
the notion that he doesn't make all the rules ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , Ericka Kammerer says...

Banty wrote:

In article , Ericka Kammerer says...

Yes, we've done that. The other thing we did when
#2 was going through a rough spell was take two cars. When
he acted up, one parent would take him home while the other
continued to have dinner with the other child. That really
got his goat ;-)


Doesn't make for a good date, which is what I think the OP's complaint may have
really been.


True, but we found it really, really effective, such that
we got back to being able to go out with no problems very quickly.


Four is a tricky age developmentally - they get stubborn about the weirdest
things. I remember my son doing things like not wanting me to pass our house if
we were out on errands, unless we go into the house.

It's a matter of:

1. Some discipline (not rewarding the undesirable behavior, as others here have
said)
2. Awaiting more development to occur in the child
3. Some accomodation and flexibility as both #1 and #2 are taking place.


I agree, but I'll confess to being a stickler for
restaurant behavior. If the kids can't behave at a nice
restaurant, then they don't get to go. Period.

Oh me too!

It's just that said restaurant doesn't have to be the one which has 30 minute
typical serving times, or is next to the parking lot where a clown scared the 4
year old at a carnival two months prior, or whatever the hassle was in this
case. That's the accommodation and flexibility I'm talking about.

*Plus*, not reinforcing the behavior and appropriately counteracting it as you
say.

The point I'm trying to get across to the OP is that, at four, it's a
developmental *and* discipline matter that takes place concurrently, and doesn't
get fixed instantly by application of a magic discipline method necessarily.

Cheers,
Banty

mypet wrote in :

Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have
been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time.
My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little
girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight.
However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to,
eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get
her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom.
The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying
to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The
child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but
this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make
suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern?

In addition to what the other posters say, the mom doesn't have to win
in an argument with the kid. So it doesn't matter if the conversation
ends

Mom: We leaving now
DD: No
Mom: We have to go now
DD: I want to stay

as long as mom and child leaves where ever it was.

When it comes to eating: if the kid doesn't want to eat there, the kid
doesn't get to it. I don't think you can force a child to eat.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three