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#11
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What to do about crying
mypet wrote:
Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time. My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight. However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to, eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom. The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern? My 3.5 year old is very sensitive to transitions, leaving situations, etc - I find that giving her *plenty* of warning makes a big difference in her reaction to the change. Saying things like, 'in 10 minutes we are leaving to go to school' and then 'in 5 minutes we are leaving to go to school,' and then a very clear 1 minute and then follow through. Even buying a small timer and setting it so that its tangible, ie: when the bell rings, we are going to go..., etc. Sometimes kids don't pay much attention to that numeric style, so defining a timeframe that they can relate to such as 'I'm going to push you 5 more times on the swing and then it will be time to go.', or 'choose a song to sing together, and when the song is over, we are going to ....' And then follow through. Of course the important part is the following through part! If she doesn't like where we go to eat, I tell her she can either choose something to eat from the menu or else she can wait and I'll make her a peanut butter sandwich when we get home. Thats it - she can choose from those 2 options. Once they figure out you won't budge, they stop the crying/whining routine, but it takes a few weeks of persistent parenting to get there. Provide her with limited choices - kids that age like to have *some* control over what is happening. cara |
#12
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What to do about crying
On Fri, 14 Nov 2003 00:01:56 +0200, LisaBell
wrote: My best weapon against crying (and whining) has been to engage the kids in a more tolerable form of self-expression. I tell my daughters that I will listen (and consider) any complaints they have so long as they *speak *, not cry or whine. I try to find a compromise which will satisfy their complaint, when I can, and even when I cannot, talking it over usually diffuses them. --Lisabell It also helps to say *I can see that this makes you mad or sad* Kids want to know that you understand and hear them. -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits |
#13
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What to do about crying
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Ignoramus12517 wrote: Imagine this situation. You go to a restaurant where she does not want to eat. She throws a big tantrum. What can you do except leave? Not much. Leaving, however, is highly effective, particularly if leaving doesn't get her what she wants (e.g., if she's screaming to leave the restaurant because she wants to go to a different restaurant, you don't leave the restaurant to go to the one she wants to go to!). You can also leave her with a babysitter the next time you go out to dinner. Best wishes, Ericka If there are two adults one can take her to the car and sit while the other eats and then they can trade off, |
#14
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What to do about crying
Ignoramus12517 wrote:
Imagine this situation. You go to a restaurant where she does not want to eat. She throws a big tantrum. What can you do except leave? Not much. Leaving, however, is highly effective, particularly if leaving doesn't get her what she wants (e.g., if she's screaming to leave the restaurant because she wants to go to a different restaurant, you don't leave the restaurant to go to the one she wants to go to!). You can also leave her with a babysitter the next time you go out to dinner. Best wishes, Ericka |
#15
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What to do about crying
Ignoramus26064 wrote in
: Okay, what do you think about this maxim: "parents should always be getting their way" just being bigger doesn't make you always right. so, i'd have to disagree. sometimes my 3 year old has a very valid reason for wanting to do something his way & if i was stuck on the mindset of "the parent is always right" i'd miss out on understanding what he is concerned about. shrug i've had a lot of Boo's therapy providers tell me i'm unusually in tune with his needs... maybe because i *do* listen to him & observe his actions/reactions to things? he's not a difficult child, he's just wired a little strangely lee |
#16
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What to do about crying
Marion Baumgarten wrote:
If there are two adults one can take her to the car and sit while the other eats and then they can trade off, Yes, we've done that. The other thing we did when #2 was going through a rough spell was take two cars. When he acted up, one parent would take him home while the other continued to have dinner with the other child. That really got his goat ;-) Best wishes, Ericka |
#17
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What to do about crying
In article , Ericka Kammerer says...
Marion Baumgarten wrote: If there are two adults one can take her to the car and sit while the other eats and then they can trade off, Yes, we've done that. The other thing we did when #2 was going through a rough spell was take two cars. When he acted up, one parent would take him home while the other continued to have dinner with the other child. That really got his goat ;-) Doesn't make for a good date, which is what I think the OP's complaint may have really been. Four is a tricky age developmentally - they get stubborn about the weirdest things. I remember my son doing things like not wanting me to pass our house if we were out on errands, unless we go into the house. It's a matter of: 1. Some discipline (not rewarding the undesirable behavior, as others here have said) 2. Awaiting more development to occur in the child 3. Some accomodation and flexibility as both #1 and #2 are taking place. Banty |
#18
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What to do about crying
Banty wrote:
In article , Ericka Kammerer says... Yes, we've done that. The other thing we did when #2 was going through a rough spell was take two cars. When he acted up, one parent would take him home while the other continued to have dinner with the other child. That really got his goat ;-) Doesn't make for a good date, which is what I think the OP's complaint may have really been. True, but we found it really, really effective, such that we got back to being able to go out with no problems very quickly. Four is a tricky age developmentally - they get stubborn about the weirdest things. I remember my son doing things like not wanting me to pass our house if we were out on errands, unless we go into the house. It's a matter of: 1. Some discipline (not rewarding the undesirable behavior, as others here have said) 2. Awaiting more development to occur in the child 3. Some accomodation and flexibility as both #1 and #2 are taking place. I agree, but I'll confess to being a stickler for restaurant behavior. If the kids can't behave at a nice restaurant, then they don't get to go. Period. It makes me really cranky when kids are disturbing others at a restaurant. Fortunately (for us, anyway, since we go out fairly frequently ;-) our kids really *like* going to decent restaurants, so the threat of not being able to go is a significant one to them. When they're in a rough patch developmentally, we do avoid restaurants that require behavior that is just beyond their abillities at the moment. Still, we've found that by taking some care, they really are quite good in restaurants overall. There are very few places that I wouldn't take them (most being things like places where there are very expensive, multiple course dinners that last more than two hours). Nearly anything else goes. I do also agree about 4yos being a bit squirrelly. Actually, we're finding a rough patch with Colin at 6yo as well. He's having a really hard time coming to grips with the notion that he doesn't make all the rules ;-) Best wishes, Ericka |
#19
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What to do about crying
In article , Ericka Kammerer says...
Banty wrote: In article , Ericka Kammerer says... Yes, we've done that. The other thing we did when #2 was going through a rough spell was take two cars. When he acted up, one parent would take him home while the other continued to have dinner with the other child. That really got his goat ;-) Doesn't make for a good date, which is what I think the OP's complaint may have really been. True, but we found it really, really effective, such that we got back to being able to go out with no problems very quickly. Four is a tricky age developmentally - they get stubborn about the weirdest things. I remember my son doing things like not wanting me to pass our house if we were out on errands, unless we go into the house. It's a matter of: 1. Some discipline (not rewarding the undesirable behavior, as others here have said) 2. Awaiting more development to occur in the child 3. Some accomodation and flexibility as both #1 and #2 are taking place. I agree, but I'll confess to being a stickler for restaurant behavior. If the kids can't behave at a nice restaurant, then they don't get to go. Period. Oh me too! It's just that said restaurant doesn't have to be the one which has 30 minute typical serving times, or is next to the parking lot where a clown scared the 4 year old at a carnival two months prior, or whatever the hassle was in this case. That's the accommodation and flexibility I'm talking about. *Plus*, not reinforcing the behavior and appropriately counteracting it as you say. The point I'm trying to get across to the OP is that, at four, it's a developmental *and* discipline matter that takes place concurrently, and doesn't get fixed instantly by application of a magic discipline method necessarily. Cheers, Banty |
#20
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What to do about crying
mypet wrote in :
Forgive me if the answer to this question is elementary, but I have been out of the child-rearing routine for quite some time. My son has recently been seeing a lady that has a four year old little girl. The little girl is just darling and can be such a delight. However, anytime a situation such as leaving when she doesn't want to, eating where she doesn't want, etc. etc. comes about she cries to get her way and apparently this has been working for her with her mom. The mom stated that she has just begun to realize this and is trying to work with her on it, but so far nothing is successful. The child is in daycare so I'm sure that she's familiar with timeouts, but this just doesn't seem to be working at home. Can anyone make suggestions to help modify this behavior pattern? In addition to what the other posters say, the mom doesn't have to win in an argument with the kid. So it doesn't matter if the conversation ends Mom: We leaving now DD: No Mom: We have to go now DD: I want to stay as long as mom and child leaves where ever it was. When it comes to eating: if the kid doesn't want to eat there, the kid doesn't get to it. I don't think you can force a child to eat. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
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