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#1
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? |
#2
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Sep 14, 7:43 am, Almost 40 wrote:
5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. This was the one thing I was going to mention. Think about it from the 5YO perspective. She's proably thinking, "If Mommy gives this baby away, maybe she will give me away too". I imagine that must be terrifying to your children, thinking that maybe you would give them away too. This could set them up for serious self-esteem and other mental issues. I can't imagine why in the world something like this would even have been mentioned to the children. Frankly I am horrified that you would discuss something like this with a 5 year old. I also wanted to mention that perhaps you should have your 7 year old evaluated by a mental health professional...she might have some underlying problem (like bi-polar, ADHD, or something that is NOT result of poor parenting skills) . Trust me, I know this from personal experience. My DD was such a problem, I thought it was my fault, but finally found out that she has several psyciatric issues. |
#3
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Fri, 14 Sep 2007 04:43:17 -0700, Almost 40
wrote: I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? Wow.... Your post shows you are *very* depressed. Is there any way you can go to a counselor by yourself? Not necessarily for marriage counseling, but to give yourself someone to talk to. Nan |
#4
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
"Almost 40" wrote in message ups.com... I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone. Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time, even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing) when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore, looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done, you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him. In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor. It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you, especially at the moment. As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs* Lucy x |
#5
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Sep 14, 10:01 am, "Lucy-lu" wrote:
"Almost 40" wrote in message ups.com... I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone. Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time, even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing) when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore, looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done, you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him. In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor. It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you, especially at the moment. As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs* Lucy x Hello !! God Bless You!!! you sound so distraught!!! Adoption isnt a bad thing .....trust me I know.....my Husband and I adopted a beautiful baby boy 2 years ago!!! We would love the oppurtunity to adopt again.....I have had failed IVF also....I cant have children.....when I was 17 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer....I had to have my ovaries removed.....you have to follow your heart and do what is best for you and the baby......i will pray for you.....if you would like to talk to me please email me at care....Laura |
#6
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Oct 3, 9:17 am, wrote:
On Sep 14, 10:01 am, "Lucy-lu" wrote: "Almost 40" wrote in message oups.com... I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone. Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time, even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing) when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore, looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done, you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him. In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor. It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you, especially at the moment. As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs* Lucy x Hello !! God Bless You!!! you sound so distraught!!! Adoption isnt a bad thing .....trust me I know.....my Husband and I adopted a beautiful baby boy 2 years ago!!! We would love the oppurtunity to adopt again.....I have had failed IVF also....I cant have children.....when I was 17 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer....I had to have my ovaries removed.....you have to follow your heart and do what is best for you and the baby......i will pray for you.....if you would like to talk to me please email me at care....Laura- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - If you are considering an adoption plan, please think about talking with me. I'm a want-to-be-Mommy with a lifelong dream of adopting a baby. I have been desperately trying to adopt and am hoping and praying for the right situation to come along very soon. More about me and my desire to adopt is here (www.myspace.com/adoption2007) -- I am very open to an "open adoption" (including letters, photos, and visits). I have so much love to give to a child; I have a beautiful home; live in a wonderful community; and have so much family support. If you'd like to chat about all of this, I can be reached at -- wishing you peace and support during this difficult time. |
#7
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
I'm just wondering how the OP is doing since she posted this thread?!
I hope that you have taken the others' advice in seeking some help. I understand how stressful all this must be on you, we all have stress in our lives, some worse than others. I have been stressed to my max with this pregnancy and a troubled relationship with my husband and two other young children hasn't helped matters. But the thing to remember when you are feeling like you are at your wits end with life and all it throws at you is that you need to talk to someone about it. Weather it be a doctor, a friend, your husband, or even an unknown pen- pal - you just have to talk! Nothing good comes from holding these thoughts and emotions inside. While my situation is not the same as yours, I do sympathize with you... I have no close friends and while I have plenty of family around me they are not supportive at all - we are more like strangers than family. I have contemplated other options in regards to this pregnancy at which point I realized that it was time for me to start talking to someone else... when I starting thinking about things that before would never have been an option for me then I knew that I was heading down a road that would only cause me more distress! I have questioned my parenting ability, and still do some days, as I suffer from depression and I can lose my temper and start yelling and what not... I feel like the scum of the Earth when I do - then I wonder if I'm like this with only two how will I deal with three? The key is getting support, and if you don't have family and friends to offer that then you need to get it else where. If you and your husband are not happy then its time to just walk away, coming from a broken home I can tell you that parents staying together for the "sake" of the children never works the way the parents think it will... children can pick up on these things, people don't give them enough credit. The point is that you are clearly stressed and I would even go as far as saying depressed and lacking confidence in yourself... you need to do something to start a healing process. Making a huge decision such as adoption at this point is not the answer. You need to start counseling and getting all of this off your chest, even if you just go yourself... then over the next x-number of months discuss the adoption thing with your counselor, but only after you get other things out. My fear for you is that you are in the middle of pre-natal depression which will just toss you down a rough road of post-natal depression, which will only be worse by giving your baby up without proper counseling first. And a note to the last two posters... I can't get over the lack of tact you show here. It doesn't take much education, or common sense even, to see that the poster is in the midst of a crisis, and you are only feeding into it by your posts. I'm sorry that you are unable to have your own biological child and that the adoption process is so long and hard... I have no doubt that it is heartbreaking to go year after year and feel that you are no closer to your dream, but this isn't the way. What would you like to happen? Do you hope that the OP will give you her child in the mind frame that she is in only to come looking for you in a year or two to get her baby back? It is one thing for a woman to find out that she is pregnant and know 100% from the start that she does not want the child... but this situation is not it! -Jen |
#8
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I?Sorry, long.
Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... You have a lot of issues... The first thing that comes to mind is: do you get any time alone? You say you have no one to babysit for counseling time, does that mean you have no one to babysit, period? If that is the case, the first thing you need to do is find a babysitter. Just get away for one or two hours per week, just for yourself. Take a magazine and go to Starbucks and drink diluted coffee for an hour. (Or wherever floats your boat.) The next thing is... if your cousin were to adopt your baby, that would certainly be lovely. I believe that I would be very appreciative, if I were your cousin. Finally, I agree with the others that you should get your 7yo evaluated. There may be some underlying physiological issue that can be controlled and thus make everyone's life easier. If there is not, at least you know that and there is some comfort in knowing that you at least looked into it. -- Anita -- |
#9
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
On Sep 14, 3:43 am, Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). Any reason why you don't share the same love and devotion to your husband? They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. It could be that he's just a boy. I don't believe in the attention deficient disorders that they are force feeding us. His fits of anger are maybe his way of dealing and coping with things he cannot control. Try to put yourself in his shoes and see what might be the problem. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. Seeing how these are your feelings, then you should be responsible for them. They will not improve until you correct what's wrong with you to help you, your husband and your children. Also, I think your husband's unhappiness is because he is not making you happy. A man takes pride in the happiness and support of his wife and children. By you being depressed or unhappy, you're probably the cause of his unhappiness. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). Why are you unhappy with him? His annoyance is because of his inability to help you. We men are problem solvers and if we cannot fix our wives, it makes us frustrated and angry (which is how we deal with hurt emotions). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. That is just stupid. He apparently loves you and needs you. Nothing could hurt a man more than his wife not wanting to show him love and affection. To tell him to seek that with other women is like stabbing him in the chest. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. The real answer is for you to figure out what's wrong with you. Maybe seek help on this. I say this because you seem like you're throwing away everything for no good reason. Your children need a father, your husband needs a wife. That can't happen until you fix what's wrong with you. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. You don't need parenting classes. I'm sure your parents and their parents didn't attend classes. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. That's a shame. I hope you get better. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? No. I don't think this is something that needs to be discussed with your children. I would sit down with your husband and talk things out. Explain to him not to get mad or upset with you because the hurt in your life is a result of your feelings and not because of him. Tell him that you just need him to listen and to love you. Tell him that you will let him know when you need his help. I would also apologize to him for the hurt that you caused him and your family. Remember that your husband is your friend and partner in life. He is the children's father as well. Your love and devotion for one another should be higher than the love and devotion you have for your children. Maybe you two have been focusing on your kids so much that you two grew apart. He probably works long hours to support you and the kids and your energy is expelled on the kids. Make time for one another. I wish you well. Regards... |
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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.
I agree with everyone else that you sound very obviously depressed in
general, and there are LOADS of things you can do to help yourself feel better, even when pregnant with a baby you're not sure you want. I think the first step is to go to see your doctor and explain what you have said here, then once your depression is under control you can start to deal with teverything else, which might miraculously cure itself once you are feeling better. Good luck we're all rooting for you "Almost 40" wrote in message ups.com... I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at some point... I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways. All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live, finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that he would just leave me for another. We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult (no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children and in the marriage. I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or close friends. I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a good life, really. My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2 failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising this baby. 5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea. Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it? |
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