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#11
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"Joelle" wrote in message ... Nowadays, instead, I research free birth control sources for my daughters' friends Do you let your their parents know you are doing that for them? Cuz I kindof think that's my department and I'd be pretty ****ed off if someone was doing that for my daughter without my knowledge. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Interesting question Joelle. I know I prefer to be the one making that discussion also but if she really can't find it in her to come to me, I can only pray she talks to another responsible adult, rather then take info from friends. I would like that adult to just mention to me that she asked questions, they gave answers and then I could bring up the subject with her personally. I was faced with a situation where I overheard some racy phone conversation my daughter and her best friend were having with a dude. I over heard the friend saying she has sex buddies. I also over heard her say S was a virgin. (Halleluiah) So after taking the friend home, telling her mom SOME of the stuff I over heard.... mom said nothing could ever go on because mom is always around, kids never alone (which isn't true) and I realized some parents like to be in the dark. I later asked my daughter about her friend saying she had sex buddies. My daughter said she was exaggerating, that she had only had sex once, a year ago. So she was 12 at the time. She confirmed she herself was a virgin. I told her to tell her friend that she really needs to talk to her mother or someone at school, especially if she thinks she will have sex again and that I will be keeping my eye on her and if I feel the need, her mom will know that her daughter has had sex. I felt in my gut that if I told mom that last bit of info, she would have confronted her daughter, who would have lied and she would have believed the lie and nothing would have been gained. I think this way, she knows that I have an eye on her. T |
#12
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But
if they resisted strongly, you bet I'd give them information. I'm a teacher; I spend much of my day giving information. It's what I do. I just have to wonder if the subject was something other than sex, if you'd appreciate another adult helping your kid do something what was against your vaules and the way you were raising your kid. Somehow in matters of sex, it's become cool to usurp parental authority - and there's always the story of the poor kid whose parents are abusive to justify taking that right away from all parents. I think parents should be helping other parents, not trying to be kids' "buddies" by being their confidant and keeping secrets from parents. Cuz if my daughter has a bad reaction to whatever birth control you've pointed her too, they aren't going to call you. I'm the one left to pick up the pieces. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#13
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#14
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On Tue, 28 Sep 2004 10:50:53 -0400, "Tiffany"
wrote: "Joelle" wrote in message ... Nowadays, instead, I research free birth control sources for my daughters' friends Do you let your their parents know you are doing that for them? Cuz I kindof think that's my department and I'd be pretty ****ed off if someone was doing that for my daughter without my knowledge. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Interesting question Joelle. I know I prefer to be the one making that discussion also but if she really can't find it in her to come to me, I can only pray she talks to another responsible adult, rather then take info from friends. I would like that adult to just mention to me that she asked questions, they gave answers and then I could bring up the subject with her personally. I can understand that, but if that happened with a 17 year old it's highly probable that once a responsible adult betrayed her confidence, she'd learn not to make that 'mistake' again. Thereafter, it'd be friends she'd turn to. I've seen it happen a hell of a lot. Obviously, with children, the situation is very different. I was faced with a situation where I overheard some racy phone conversation my daughter and her best friend were having with a dude. I over heard the friend saying she has sex buddies. I also over heard her say S was a virgin. (Halleluiah) So after taking the friend home, telling her mom SOME of the stuff I over heard.... mom said nothing could ever go on because mom is always around, kids never alone (which isn't true) and I realized some parents like to be in the dark. And in my experience, such as it is, the more a parent likes to stay in the dark, the less their kids will do to disabuse them of any notion that the little darlings are straying from the parents' straight and narrow. Kids will feed their parents' denial 'til the cows come home, if they pick up that the parent consciously or unconsciously doesn't want to know. I later asked my daughter about her friend saying she had sex buddies. My daughter said she was exaggerating, that she had only had sex once, a year ago. So she was 12 at the time. She confirmed she herself was a virgin. I told her to tell her friend that she really needs to talk to her mother or someone at school, especially if she thinks she will have sex again and that I will be keeping my eye on her and if I feel the need, her mom will know that her daughter has had sex. I felt in my gut that if I told mom that last bit of info, she would have confronted her daughter, who would have lied and she would have believed the lie and nothing would have been gained. I think this way, she knows that I have an eye on her. Yup. And that's a 13 year old. Along with the letting her know someone's paying attention, I'd be welcoming that kid around any time my own wanted her, so that I could drop some thoughts into her brain about how she might approach her Mom with more success than she expects, and strategies that could help her to communicate with her Mom and so on and so forth. I'd also probably encourage her to talk to her Mom and offer to help her start things off. You'd be amazed how many kids I've made that offer to who have then managed to screw up the courage to talk to the parent on their own. Anyway, just have to mention here that the difference between 13 and 17.5 in graduation year, is...well.....massive. Cele |
#15
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"Cele" wrote in message ... On Tue, 28 Sep 2004 10:50:53 -0400, "Tiffany" wrote: "Joelle" wrote in message ... Nowadays, instead, I research free birth control sources for my daughters' friends Do you let your their parents know you are doing that for them? Cuz I kindof think that's my department and I'd be pretty ****ed off if someone was doing that for my daughter without my knowledge. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Interesting question Joelle. I know I prefer to be the one making that discussion also but if she really can't find it in her to come to me, I can only pray she talks to another responsible adult, rather then take info from friends. I would like that adult to just mention to me that she asked questions, they gave answers and then I could bring up the subject with her personally. I can understand that, but if that happened with a 17 year old it's highly probable that once a responsible adult betrayed her confidence, she'd learn not to make that 'mistake' again. Thereafter, it'd be friends she'd turn to. I've seen it happen a hell of a lot. Obviously, with children, the situation is very different. I was faced with a situation where I overheard some racy phone conversation my daughter and her best friend were having with a dude. I over heard the friend saying she has sex buddies. I also over heard her say S was a virgin. (Halleluiah) So after taking the friend home, telling her mom SOME of the stuff I over heard.... mom said nothing could ever go on because mom is always around, kids never alone (which isn't true) and I realized some parents like to be in the dark. And in my experience, such as it is, the more a parent likes to stay in the dark, the less their kids will do to disabuse them of any notion that the little darlings are straying from the parents' straight and narrow. Kids will feed their parents' denial 'til the cows come home, if they pick up that the parent consciously or unconsciously doesn't want to know. I later asked my daughter about her friend saying she had sex buddies. My daughter said she was exaggerating, that she had only had sex once, a year ago. So she was 12 at the time. She confirmed she herself was a virgin. I told her to tell her friend that she really needs to talk to her mother or someone at school, especially if she thinks she will have sex again and that I will be keeping my eye on her and if I feel the need, her mom will know that her daughter has had sex. I felt in my gut that if I told mom that last bit of info, she would have confronted her daughter, who would have lied and she would have believed the lie and nothing would have been gained. I think this way, she knows that I have an eye on her. Yup. And that's a 13 year old. Along with the letting her know someone's paying attention, I'd be welcoming that kid around any time my own wanted her, so that I could drop some thoughts into her brain about how she might approach her Mom with more success than she expects, and strategies that could help her to communicate with her Mom and so on and so forth. I'd also probably encourage her to talk to her Mom and offer to help her start things off. You'd be amazed how many kids I've made that offer to who have then managed to screw up the courage to talk to the parent on their own. Anyway, just have to mention here that the difference between 13 and 17.5 in graduation year, is...well.....massive. Cele Ohhh I know the ages are way different.... I was just sharing. I am not finding it in me to help this girl out any more then letting her know I am watching...... personally, I have one kid, that is enough! T |
#16
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Joelle, at seventeen, kids will do what they're going to do.
I'm talking about my daughter - who is 14. But I still don't think I'd interfere in my 17 year old's kid friends sex lives. It's not my place, and I don't think it's your place, whether or not you are a teacher or a factory worker. I'd've been very glad that they took responsible action and helped her in seeking suitable treatment. I would imagine that I'd've found out eventually, but if not, I'd certainly prefer to have her not trust me and get healthy as opposed to not trust me and get sicker. And it would be fine with you if they all that without TELLING YOU? I just don't understand that. What would be the harm in telling you that your daughter was ill? I agree. At what age do you feel offspring have some right to privacy from their parents? Some privacy? Well when they are old enough to close the bathroom door when they pee, they certainly have that right. But if have some financial and legal responsiblity for their actions, I guess that overides privacy. In some states, I could go to jail for things my kid does. I can't use privacy to explain why I didn't know my kid had weapons in their room can I? Health and safety comes before privacy. If my minor 17 year old, high school student, living at home daughter is seeking birth control, I figure I have a right to know because if something goes wrong, I'm gonna have to take care of it. Cause I'm 45, and I haven't discussed my private life with my mother in well over two decades. And I'm sure if you got pregnant (Don't laugh my 48 year old husband's cousin's wife is expecting) ...your parents would not be responsible for taking care of you during the pregnancy. just how you feel that line should be drawn. You get to be treated completely like an adult when you have adult responsiblities. I'd be interested in your own answer to that. At what age do you start dispensing birth control information without informing the parents to your kids friends? 12? 14? 16? And why do YOU, not the parents get to decide what the appropriate age is? I noticed you said you'd encourage my kid to talk to me because you approve of me as a parent. How do you decide which parent deserves their children's confidence and which don't? I'm not remotely interested in usurping anyone's parental authority, But when you take on those kinds of conversations with teens, and keep confidences from their parents you are usurping the parental role and you can even sabatoge the relationship. Abuse cases aside (and I was not questioning the truth of your story, I just get tired of abuse being used as an excuse to keep all parents in the dark), you really only know the kids side and most kids say "my parents don't won't understand" when in fact, parents are probably the best ones to go to - and if a child is old enough to have sex, they certainly should be mature enough to listen to their parents disapproval -- which is what most kids mean when they say their parents don't understand. Hence, if your kid has a reaction, I think you should take it up with the medical professionals who cared for her, Which would be pretty difficult since I had NO IDEA she was getting birth control since YOU were protecting her privacy and didnt' tell me she had asked you about it. Of course your responsiblity stops after giving her the information. You are not the parent. I am That is my point. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#17
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#18
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f I was the kind of parent who would tell, she wouldn't have asked
me, and you still wouldn't know. And I believe that more parents should tell so that it would be harder for kids to keep this sort of thing from their parents. You may think I'm on the parents side and you are on the kids side, but I believe it's better for the kids if the parents know. At least this way, she's hiding sex from you instead of bringing home a baby as a teen parent. Now you the one kidding yourself. Asking about birth control doesn't mean she's going to use it or use it correctly. It means she's considering being sexually active and she's in danger of getting pregnant, diseases, and not least of all, a broken heart. BC info doesn't help any of that. A parent can. A kid not wanting their parent to know something is not a good enough reason for withholding information from parents. That's the bottom line for me, and as much as I appreciate most of what you say, I think you are wrong in this instance. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#19
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"Joelle" wrote in message ... f I was the kind of parent who would tell, she wouldn't have asked me, and you still wouldn't know. And I believe that more parents should tell so that it would be harder for kids to keep this sort of thing from their parents. You may think I'm on the parents side and you are on the kids side, but I believe it's better for the kids if the parents know. At least this way, she's hiding sex from you instead of bringing home a baby as a teen parent. Now you the one kidding yourself. Asking about birth control doesn't mean she's going to use it or use it correctly. It means she's considering being sexually active and she's in danger of getting pregnant, diseases, and not least of all, a broken heart. BC info doesn't help any of that. A parent can. A kid not wanting their parent to know something is not a good enough reason for withholding information from parents. That's the bottom line for me, and as much as I appreciate most of what you say, I think you are wrong in this instance. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle Not to butt in here but I wanted to ask Joelle a question: As a minister, do you ever counsel teens on sexual issues? Do you have the whole confidentiality issue's to deal with? T |
#20
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As a minister, do you ever counsel teens on sexual issues? Do you have the
whole confidentiality issue's to deal with? Yes, and I tell the parents exactly what I intend to say. And I tell kids upfront that if I think their parents need to know something I'll tell them and I tell them why I think it's important that their parents know what is going on ....I also talk about how just because parents may react to something negatively and with anger and disappointment right away, it doesn't mean they don't love them and that they aren't going to be there to help them through whatever it is they have gotten themselves into. If that means they won't tell me stuff, well that's too bad, but I don't believe it is helpful to kids to keep secrets from their parents. An actually confession of sin is something else. Except for sexual abuse which I am required by law to report, anything said in the context of confession cannot be repeated but I can encourage the kid to tell their parents. I understand certain conversations my daughter has with counselors and ministers are not going to be reported to me. But I don't expect people like my kids friends parents to advise them about where to get birth control. You know those boys that snuck into my house begged me not to tell their parents. They didn't like me too much when I told on them. The parents sure appreciated it and will be more careful when they let their boys out (well one parent anyway) I think everyone is better off when parents work together. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
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