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Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.



 
 
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  #1  
Old September 14th 07, 12:43 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Almost 40
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 1
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?

  #2  
Old September 14th 07, 01:21 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
[email protected]
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Posts: 8
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

On Sep 14, 7:43 am, Almost 40 wrote:

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.


This was the one thing I was going to mention. Think about it from
the 5YO perspective. She's proably thinking, "If Mommy gives this
baby away, maybe she will give me away too". I imagine that must be
terrifying to your children, thinking that maybe you would give them
away too. This could set them up for serious self-esteem and other
mental issues.

I can't imagine why in the world something like this would even have
been mentioned to the children. Frankly I am horrified that you would
discuss something like this with a 5 year old.

I also wanted to mention that perhaps you should have your 7 year old
evaluated by a mental health professional...she might have some
underlying problem (like bi-polar, ADHD, or something that is NOT
result of poor parenting skills) . Trust me, I know this from
personal experience. My DD was such a problem, I thought it was my
fault, but finally found out that she has several psyciatric issues.

  #3  
Old September 14th 07, 02:31 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Nan
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 346
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

On Fri, 14 Sep 2007 04:43:17 -0700, Almost 40
wrote:

I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?


Wow.... Your post shows you are *very* depressed. Is there any way
you can go to a counselor by yourself? Not necessarily for marriage
counseling, but to give yourself someone to talk to.

Nan
  #4  
Old September 14th 07, 03:01 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Lucy-lu
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 75
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.


"Almost 40" wrote in message
ups.com...
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?


Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might
well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very
bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in
a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone.

Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I
discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not
for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time,
even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing)
when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're
dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore,
looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were
dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and
children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done,
you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to
look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working
together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work
together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him.

In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really
goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged
down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor.
It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you,
especially at the moment.

As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's
decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't
discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it
helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from
the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never
ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the
child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our
relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I
am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're
going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I
didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in
pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm
trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd
love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs*

Lucy x


  #5  
Old September 14th 07, 04:24 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Irrational Number
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 306
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I?Sorry, long.

Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...


You have a lot of issues... The first thing that
comes to mind is: do you get any time alone? You
say you have no one to babysit for counseling time,
does that mean you have no one to babysit, period?

If that is the case, the first thing you need to
do is find a babysitter. Just get away for one
or two hours per week, just for yourself. Take
a magazine and go to Starbucks and drink diluted
coffee for an hour. (Or wherever floats your boat.)

The next thing is... if your cousin were to adopt
your baby, that would certainly be lovely. I believe
that I would be very appreciative, if I were your
cousin.

Finally, I agree with the others that you should
get your 7yo evaluated. There may be some underlying
physiological issue that can be controlled and thus
make everyone's life easier. If there is not, at
least you know that and there is some comfort in
knowing that you at least looked into it.

-- Anita --
  #6  
Old September 15th 07, 04:04 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
[email protected]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 57
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

On Sep 14, 3:43 am, Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3).


Any reason why you don't share the same love and devotion to your
husband?

They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously.


It could be that he's just a boy. I don't believe in the attention
deficient disorders that they are force feeding us. His fits of anger
are maybe his way of dealing and coping with things he cannot control.
Try to put yourself in his shoes and see what might be the problem.

DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve.


Seeing how these are your feelings, then you should be responsible for
them. They will not improve until you correct what's wrong with you to
help you, your husband and your children. Also, I think your husband's
unhappiness is because he is not making you happy. A man takes pride
in the happiness and support of his wife and children. By you being
depressed or unhappy, you're probably the cause of his unhappiness.

We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too).


Why are you unhappy with him? His annoyance is because of his
inability to help you. We men are problem solvers and if we cannot fix
our wives, it makes us frustrated and angry (which is how we deal with
hurt emotions).

I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.


That is just stupid. He apparently loves you and needs you. Nothing
could hurt a man more than his wife not wanting to show him love and
affection. To tell him to seek that with other women is like stabbing
him in the chest.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.


The real answer is for you to figure out what's wrong with you. Maybe
seek help on this. I say this because you seem like you're throwing
away everything for no good reason. Your children need a father, your
husband needs a wife. That can't happen until you fix what's wrong
with you.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.


You don't need parenting classes. I'm sure your parents and their
parents didn't attend classes.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.


That's a shame. I hope you get better.


5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?


No. I don't think this is something that needs to be discussed with
your children. I would sit down with your husband and talk things out.
Explain to him not to get mad or upset with you because the hurt in
your life is a result of your feelings and not because of him. Tell
him that you just need him to listen and to love you. Tell him that
you will let him know when you need his help. I would also apologize
to him for the hurt that you caused him and your family.

Remember that your husband is your friend and partner in life. He is
the children's father as well. Your love and devotion for one another
should be higher than the love and devotion you have for your
children.

Maybe you two have been focusing on your kids so much that you two
grew apart. He probably works long hours to support you and the kids
and your energy is expelled on the kids. Make time for one another.

I wish you well.

Regards...

  #7  
Old September 15th 07, 04:06 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
CY[_2_]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 27
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

I agree with everyone else that you sound very obviously depressed in
general, and there are LOADS of things you can do to help yourself feel
better, even when pregnant with a baby you're not sure you want. I think
the first step is to go to see your doctor and explain what you have said
here, then once your depression is under control you can start to deal with
teverything else, which might miraculously cure itself once you are feeling
better. Good luck we're all rooting for you
"Almost 40" wrote in message
ups.com...
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?



  #8  
Old September 15th 07, 04:58 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Leslie
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 185
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

On Sep 14, 7:43?am, Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...


I think that you are right about not really being rational at this
point.


I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.


Your depression (yes, I agree with everyone else--you are VERY
depressed and as I live with a depressed person I know what I am
talking about) is affecting your self-esteem. If your kids are as you
say, you are probably doing plenty of things right. Unless you are
abusing your children the way you parent them is not your
acquaintances' business.


All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously.


Again, I agree that he should be evaluated. Perhaps your depression
or the stress in your marriage has affected him, or perhaps he has an
organic problem. Maybe counseling would help him.

DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.).


These are terrible reasons for staying in a marriage, but then again
your reasons for wanting out of the marriage are worse, IMO.

I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve.


They won't improve unless you take steps to improve them.

?We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional


Then you are lucky. You have a lot going for you.

except that I'm so unhappy with him


Why?

(he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too).


Annoyance is pretty normal in a marriage.

?I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance).

?It would be very expensive ?and I
think would be futile, ultimately.


These are all excuses. We see a counselor for $15 a week at the local
university. Your insurance also may cover it. If money is a problem,
some places will let you pay on a sliding scale. Or if you attend
church your clergyperson is trained in counseling, typically.

?And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.


That's not what happens in counseling.


I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents).


Again, depression talking.

I don't have any local family or
close friends.


You need some desperately. You need to find a mom's group or some
sort of support group.


I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.


I'm not in a place to advise you on this, but I *think* this is still
depression talking. I know someone who felt the same during her
pregnancy and even made contact with an agency; things changed, she
kepy the baby, and she's happy she did.


5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.


As well they should. Were I you, I'd probably keep the baby for that
reason alone.



Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?


You've done right to come here. PLEASE get some help for yourself
before you make any more major decisions!

Leslie


  #9  
Old October 3rd 07, 05:17 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
[email protected]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 1
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

On Sep 14, 10:01 am, "Lucy-lu" wrote:
"Almost 40" wrote in message

ups.com...

I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...


I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.


All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.


We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.


I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.


I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.


My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.


5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.


Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?


Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might
well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very
bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in
a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone.

Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I
discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not
for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time,
even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing)
when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're
dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore,
looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were
dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and
children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done,
you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to
look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working
together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work
together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him.

In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really
goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged
down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor.
It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you,
especially at the moment.

As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's
decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't
discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it
helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from
the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never
ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the
child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our
relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I
am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're
going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I
didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in
pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm
trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd
love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs*

Lucy x


Hello !! God Bless You!!! you sound so distraught!!! Adoption isnt a
bad thing .....trust me I know.....my Husband and I adopted a
beautiful baby boy 2 years ago!!! We would love the oppurtunity to
adopt again.....I have had failed IVF also....I cant have
children.....when I was 17 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer....I
had to have my ovaries removed.....you have to follow your heart and
do what is best for you and the baby......i will pray for you.....if
you would like to talk to me please email me at
care....Laura

  #10  
Old October 14th 07, 08:24 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
ReadyMommy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2
Default Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

On Oct 3, 9:17 am, wrote:
On Sep 14, 10:01 am, "Lucy-lu" wrote:





"Almost 40" wrote in message


oups.com...


I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...


I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.


All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.


We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.


I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.


I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.


My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.


5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.


Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?


Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might
well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very
bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in
a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone.


Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I
discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not
for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time,
even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing)
when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're
dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore,
looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were
dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and
children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done,
you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to
look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working
together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work
together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him.


In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really
goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged
down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor.
It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you,
especially at the moment.


As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's
decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't
discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it
helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from
the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never
ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the
child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our
relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I
am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're
going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I
didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in
pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm
trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier.


Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd
love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs*


Lucy x


Hello !! God Bless You!!! you sound so distraught!!! Adoption isnt a
bad thing .....trust me I know.....my Husband and I adopted a
beautiful baby boy 2 years ago!!! We would love the oppurtunity to
adopt again.....I have had failed IVF also....I cant have
children.....when I was 17 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer....I
had to have my ovaries removed.....you have to follow your heart and
do what is best for you and the baby......i will pray for you.....if
you would like to talk to me please email me at
care....Laura- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -



If you are considering an adoption plan, please think about talking
with me. I'm a want-to-be-Mommy with a lifelong dream of adopting a
baby. I have been desperately trying to adopt and am hoping and
praying for the right situation to come along very soon. More about
me and my desire to adopt is here (www.myspace.com/adoption2007) -- I
am very open to an "open adoption" (including letters, photos, and
visits). I have so much love to give to a child; I have a beautiful
home; live in a wonderful community; and have so much family
support. If you'd like to chat about all of this, I can be reached at
-- wishing you peace and support during this
difficult time.

 




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