Help with specific behavior issue

I read with great interest "Help with 3 yo" from Rachel. I too have a
3 year old and new baby. So many of your responses to Rachel are going
to be things I try.

There is one thing that Jacob does that wasn't covered and am not sure
what to do about. Often times when we are getting ready to go
somewhere he makes getting in the car an ordeal. He'll fight getting
in his seat and try to get away from us. He likes to lock the door and
tries to keep us out. When we get there he'll unbuckle himself and try
to get away again. It is soooo fustrating. I often have to physically
place him in his booster seat and fight to get him buckled and he's
recently learned to unbuckle himself and has done it while driving a
couple of times. If we have a number of errands to do this can lead to
a very tiring day. Any suggestions of how to break this habit.

Thanks,

Shelley
mom to Jacob (3 yo) and Owen (2 mo)

wrote in message
oups.com...
I read with great interest "Help with 3 yo" from Rachel. I too have a
3 year old and new baby. So many of your responses to Rachel are going
to be things I try.

There is one thing that Jacob does that wasn't covered and am not sure
what to do about. Often times when we are getting ready to go
somewhere he makes getting in the car an ordeal. He'll fight getting
in his seat and try to get away from us. He likes to lock the door and
tries to keep us out. When we get there he'll unbuckle himself and try
to get away again. It is soooo fustrating. I often have to physically
place him in his booster seat and fight to get him buckled and he's
recently learned to unbuckle himself and has done it while driving a
couple of times. If we have a number of errands to do this can lead to
a very tiring day. Any suggestions of how to break this habit.

Thanks,

Shelley
mom to Jacob (3 yo) and Owen (2 mo)


Do you use time-out for anything?
My DS tried the "unbuckle my seat" thing and was put into time-out a soon as
he got home.
He learned very quickly that this was not tolerated.

Time-out also worked for running away.
Sometimes he thinks I'm playing, but if I get on his level and say "DS, come
here right now" he knows
we are not playing and comes to me.

I found the running away thing to be deeply disturbing. I imagined hundreds
of scenarios with horrible ends (running into
the street, off a cliff, into a mad dog, ect) and knew I had to get the "run
away from mommy when mommy wants me to do something I don't want to do"
thing under control.

If you want more info on Time out techniques, let me know, otherwise I won't
bore you...
jojo
want to do

wrote:

Often times when we are getting ready to go
somewhere he makes getting in the car an ordeal.

At 2 and 3yo mine liked to get in the carseat on their own. When I figured
they'd moved slowly enough or were messing around instead I told them they
had to be sitting down by the count of three or I'd do it for them. At
three I'd manhandle them in the seat as quickly as possible. That worked.
I was physically able to do that and they didn't like it. I had to do it
about every 4 months with Hunter and probably every 3-4 weeks with Luke. He
was a bit more...persistent. ;-)

He likes to lock the door
and tries to keep us out.

Always always always have a key. I would sometimes give mine the key to
hold and then they could hand it to me when I got in. I always had another
key! If they locked the doors they lost that privilege, which they really
liked. Is there anything similar that they like that could be tied to
sitting nicely while you got in? Unlocking the door with the key was a
*big* hit but IIRC they were a little older before they could do that.

When we get there he'll unbuckle himself
and try to get away again.

Do your back doors have that little lever thing in the door so they can't be
opened from the inside? Mine do and while I didn't use it for my kids I did
for my niece and nephew and I felt a lot safer.

recently learned to unbuckle himself and has done it while
driving a couple of times.

This was harder for me. I only had to stop and lecture Hunter once but Luke
was bad about it. He had two seats w/5point harness. One he could undo and
one he couldn't. I finally ended up replacing the one he could with a
regular high back booster a few pounds before he was ready because none of
my tricks would keep him buckled in the other. He didn't get out of the
seat, just unbuckled.

If we have a number of errands to do this
can lead to a very tiring day.

I imagine! You might also plan a trip all for him. Nothing but fun. If he
unbuckles or puts up a fuss, the trip is cancelled. Give him a job or
focus on your trips. Something to accomplish or do back there. Some things
I had:

Making something (like a paper airplane), toys, responsible for the keys,
holding the mail, food ;-), books w/tapes. Hunter *loved* to cut so
scissors and paper kept him happy for a long time (it made a mess) and I
could trust him with scissors. I didn't give Luke scissors or markers at
3yo! He had a magnadoodle.

Good luck, I'm glad mine are out of this stage. Now they bicker and hit
each other ;-)

--
Nikki

Hi --

In ou rhouse, anything a child did that actively scared mom, such as
unbuckling a seatbelt or running into the street without a grownup, was
an IMMEDIATE spanking offense.

I explained to the kids, tiny though they were, that what they did was
very dangerous, could get them extreemely hurt of even killed, and that
a spank only hurt a tiny bit by comparison.

I nevber spanked at other times. And let me tell you, my kids were good
at safety pretty early on.

I'd pull over at the nearest place possible, and spank a child who
unbuckled a seatbelt. Running away (unless in the street or crowded
shopping area) doesn't merit the same treatment, but the response needs
to be both harsh and immediate. A time-out, or a treat for other people
but not the runner, or something of that nature, is in order. IMMEDIATE
is the key, of course, especially for very young children.

--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

On 6 Jun 2005 12:51:43 -0700, wrote:

I read with great interest "Help with 3 yo" from Rachel. I too have a
3 year old and new baby. So many of your responses to Rachel are going
to be things I try.

There is one thing that Jacob does that wasn't covered and am not sure
what to do about. Often times when we are getting ready to go
somewhere he makes getting in the car an ordeal.

Does he like being in the car? Perhaps he feels a bit carsick?

He'll fight getting in his seat and try to get away from us. He likes to
lock the door and tries to keep us out.

I am not sure what to do about this one. I would try getting him
some very special toy that he only gets to play with once he is in
his car seat and buckled up. You can leave it in your purse or
diaper bag and only take it out after he gets into the seat. Perhaps
have a special snack that he can only have in the car too and only
after he is buckled in.

Perhaps he wants to climb into the seat himself? Give him a choice
*do you want to climb into the seat by yourself, or do you want mommy
to put you in?* Perhaps he wants to do his own buckle? Again give
him the choice *do you want to buckle yourself or have mommy buckle
you?*

When we get there he'll unbuckle himself and try to get away again.

I sympathize. One thing that might be helpful is to actually hire a
babysitter for him and go without him a few times. Let him know
that he can come with you once he stops fighting about being in
the carseat and stops trying to get away. Have him stay home once
and then try taking him again the next day. If he cannot behave, you
may want to leave him home with a sitter and just take the baby
with you (or leave both home, but I think he would get the idea faster
if you take the baby with you and leave him home with dad or a
babysitter). Don't feel bad, btw, about making things easy on
yourself. If you can plan errands when you can leave the children
at home, do so. It isn't necessary to make things hard on yourself
when they are at a difficult age.

It is soooo fustrating. I often have to physically
place him in his booster seat and fight to get him buckled and he's
recently learned to unbuckle himself and has done it while driving a
couple of times. If we have a number of errands to do this can lead to
a very tiring day. Any suggestions of how to break this habit.

When he unbuckles when you are driving, pull over to the side of the
road. Tell him the car won't go unless he is buckled up and do this
every time even though it takes you longer to do your errands. I
never compromised on this one. We would sit on the side of the
road without going anywhere until he allowed himself to be buckled
up again. Very boring, but effective with my kids.

Thanks,

Shelley
mom to Jacob (3 yo) and Owen (2 mo)

--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

wrote:
I read with great interest "Help with 3 yo" from Rachel. I too have a
3 year old and new baby. So many of your responses to Rachel are going
to be things I try.

There is one thing that Jacob does that wasn't covered and am not sure
what to do about. Often times when we are getting ready to go
somewhere he makes getting in the car an ordeal. He'll fight getting
in his seat and try to get away from us. He likes to lock the door and
tries to keep us out. When we get there he'll unbuckle himself and try
to get away again. It is soooo fustrating. I often have to physically
place him in his booster seat and fight to get him buckled and he's
recently learned to unbuckle himself and has done it while driving a
couple of times. If we have a number of errands to do this can lead to
a very tiring day. Any suggestions of how to break this habit.

You already got a lot of good responses about what to do in the moment.
I just wanted to add that maybe there are things you can do to
pre-emptively avoid such situations from arising in the future.

First, did this unbuckling behavior start recently? Like, since the
baby was born? If so, then it may be his way of getting your attention.
I imagine with a 2 mo old in the house, you have your hands full and
maybe he's not getting as much quality one-on-one time with you as he'd
like?

If you think that may be the case, try this: when you know you have an
afternoon of errands ahead of you, slot out 20-30 minutes of quiet,
quality one-on-one time for just you and the 3 year old, for example,
while baby is napping in the morning. See if the day goes smoother that
way.

Another trick you might try is the marble jar, which I've mentioned
before. He's not too young for this. It works well because you award
good behavior. Get two jars, one filled with a small amount of marbles.
Sit him down, tell him that he is old enough to master getting in and
out of his car seat himself, and to master car seat safety.

Explain to him that he will get a marble to put in the empty jar
everytime you go out together and he 1) gets into his car seat promptly
on his own ("if you are buckled in before mommy has baby buckled in,
you get a marble for being such a big help to mommy!"); and 2) waits
until you say he can unbuckle himself when you arrive. When the marble
jar is full, he gets a special treat of his choice (decide ahead of
time what it is - perhaps a special trip somewhere fun just with mom).

If he doesn't meet those two requirements, no marble. Just tell him,
"Oh well, better luck next time." Don't deduct marbles for bad
behavior, as that tends to defeat the whole exercise.

Once he's mastered this, you can propose a new marble jar challenge of
your choosing! I used this to good success for all sorts of things with
my own kids, such as getting dressed & ready by 8 AM without mom's
prompting.

jen

"Beth Kevles" wrote in message
...

Hi --

In ou rhouse, anything a child did that actively scared mom, such as
unbuckling a seatbelt or running into the street without a grownup, was
an IMMEDIATE spanking offense.

Yep. In our house too. Running into the street or unbuckling the car seat
belt are two immediate spanking offenses for us, too. DD gets smacked so
very rarely that this is an incredibly effective deterrent. It only took
one time of unbuckling her seat for her to learn that that isn't a tolerated
behaviour.

Donna

In article .com,
wrote:

I read with great interest "Help with 3 yo" from Rachel. I too have a
3 year old and new baby. So many of your responses to Rachel are going
to be things I try.

There is one thing that Jacob does that wasn't covered and am not sure
what to do about. Often times when we are getting ready to go
somewhere he makes getting in the car an ordeal. He'll fight getting
in his seat and try to get away from us. He likes to lock the door and
tries to keep us out. When we get there he'll unbuckle himself and try
to get away again. It is soooo fustrating. I often have to physically
place him in his booster seat and fight to get him buckled and he's
recently learned to unbuckle himself and has done it while driving a
couple of times. If we have a number of errands to do this can lead to
a very tiring day. Any suggestions of how to break this habit.

Thanks,

Shelley
mom to Jacob (3 yo) and Owen (2 mo)


When my daughter started getting out of her car seat, at my mother's
suggestion I started keeping reading material in the car. When she got
out, I'd just say, "Tell me when you're ready to get back in." -- and
pick up the book and start to read, and refuse to respond to her at all.
It didn't take long before she'd unbuckle, and I'd pull over (or, if
were were in a parking lot or something getting ready to leave, just not
start the car) and pick up my book, and she'd start to holler, "No,
mommie, don't read!" And shortly after that she'd announce that she was
ready to get buckled in again.

Yes, it meant we were late a few times, but was MUCH easier on me than
when I struggled to get her in her car seat. One thing that surprised
me was how well her brother and sister took the boredom!

I assume you always keep the keys on your person, so he can't actually
lock you out of the car?
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Thanks everyone for the responses. I am going to review everything and
see what I might try. I know something you said will work.

Shelley

In message , toto
writes

When he unbuckles when you are driving, pull over to the side of the
road. Tell him the car won't go unless he is buckled up and do this
every time even though it takes you longer to do your errands. I
never compromised on this one. We would sit on the side of the
road without going anywhere until he allowed himself to be buckled
up again. Very boring, but effective with my kids.

This is my method too. I've told 3yo DD that I'm not allowed to drive
the car if she doesn't have her seatbelt on and I pull over and wait
until she's calmed down (with her it's always in conjunction with a
tantrum) and then ask if she's ready to buckle it up again. I also turn
off the children's music tape and put on "boring" adult talking radio or
start reading the book I keep in the glove compartment. I don't see why
I should be bored too!

Thanks for the 3yo plus baby thread, btw. Very helpful! We're getting a
lot more fussing about getting dressed, putting shoes on, etc. at the
moment and with the baby now 10 months, mobile and starting to grab her
stuff, it can only get worse.
--
Kate in Bristol