How to help friend - any ideas?

If she is a close friend and you are used to talking openly with her then
why not just ask how she is feeling about the hysterectomy - mention that
you have heard that it can be emotionally hard as well as physically hard
and then just give her the chance to respond - even if she isn't ready then,
she will know you are open to talking at a future time.

Sometimes I invent a 'friend' from the internet or my past that has been
through something similar and say that this 'friend' had not been planning
any more children, but still found it hard emotionally to find that the
choice was taken away from her!

Good luck.


"Cathy" wrote in message
...
I found out yesterday that my friend who had a baby about 6 weeks ago had
to
have a hysterectomy at the time. I had suspected that was the case, but
didn't want to ask. (She was very lucky to survive the emergency
c-section).
Up till now I've just been treating her as I would any new mum with a
baby -
trying not to bug her, but phoning occasionally to chat. I know that they
only planned 2 kids, and this is the 2nd - her partner was going to get a
vasectomy. But that is not quite the same as having all possibility of
further children taken away. Any ideas? I don't want practical things
(like looking after her older son - I'm trying to help with that anyway),
but just how she might feel, and things I should avoid saying. Does that
make sense - I don't want to treat her with kid gloves, but I think she is
very fragile, more so now than after the birth.

Thanks,
Cathy

I found out yesterday that my friend who had a baby about 6 weeks ago had to
have a hysterectomy at the time. I had suspected that was the case, but
didn't want to ask. (She was very lucky to survive the emergency c-section).
Up till now I've just been treating her as I would any new mum with a baby -
trying not to bug her, but phoning occasionally to chat. I know that they
only planned 2 kids, and this is the 2nd - her partner was going to get a
vasectomy. But that is not quite the same as having all possibility of
further children taken away. Any ideas? I don't want practical things
(like looking after her older son - I'm trying to help with that anyway),
but just how she might feel, and things I should avoid saying. Does that
make sense - I don't want to treat her with kid gloves, but I think she is
very fragile, more so now than after the birth.

Thanks,
Cathy

Hi Cathy;

I don't have a definate answer, but if it was me (depending on how close
you are to me) then I would like it if you would tell me that you know
that I might be hurting but that you are there for me, whenever I need
to talk about it. Don't push, but make sure she understands that you are
there for her.

I too don't believe in wearing kids' gloves when someone has had a
misfortune, but it usually is helpful to know & be sure that those who
love me are there for me.

Cathy wrote:

I found out yesterday that my friend who had a baby about 6 weeks ago had to
have a hysterectomy at the time. I had suspected that was the case, but
didn't want to ask. (She was very lucky to survive the emergency c-section).
Up till now I've just been treating her as I would any new mum with a baby -
trying not to bug her, but phoning occasionally to chat. I know that they
only planned 2 kids, and this is the 2nd - her partner was going to get a
vasectomy. But that is not quite the same as having all possibility of
further children taken away. Any ideas? I don't want practical things
(like looking after her older son - I'm trying to help with that anyway),
but just how she might feel, and things I should avoid saying. Does that
make sense - I don't want to treat her with kid gloves, but I think she is
very fragile, more so now than after the birth.

Thanks,
Cathy

Cathy wrote:

I found out yesterday that my friend who had a baby about 6 weeks ago had to
have a hysterectomy at the time. I had suspected that was the case, but
didn't want to ask. (She was very lucky to survive the emergency c-section).
Up till now I've just been treating her as I would any new mum with a baby -
trying not to bug her, but phoning occasionally to chat. I know that they
only planned 2 kids, and this is the 2nd - her partner was going to get a
vasectomy. But that is not quite the same as having all possibility of
further children taken away. Any ideas? I don't want practical things
(like looking after her older son - I'm trying to help with that anyway),
but just how she might feel, and things I should avoid saying. Does that
make sense - I don't want to treat her with kid gloves, but I think she is
very fragile, more so now than after the birth.

Thanks,
Cathy




I would just ask how she's feeling, and ask for an honest answer. I
can't tell you from experience, but I *can* tell you, based on many
women I know who have gone through hysterectomies, that they can be very
painful (can be worse than a c-section), and, depending on how extensive
the surgery was, the hormonal upheaval can be very nasty (you can get
menopause thrown at you all at once). Couple this with a newborn and it
must be pretty nasty.

Jane Thorpe wrote:
If she is a close friend and you are used to talking openly with her
then why not just ask how she is feeling about the hysterectomy -
mention that you have heard that it can be emotionally hard as well
as physically hard and then just give her the chance to respond -
even if she isn't ready then, she will know you are open to talking
at a future time.

Sometimes I invent a 'friend' from the internet or my past that has
been through something similar and say that this 'friend' had not
been planning any more children, but still found it hard emotionally
to find that the choice was taken away from her!

Good luck.

We have talked about all sorts of things, and I would say she is a
reasonably close friend, but I feel a bit stink being pregnant at the
moment - kind of reminding her what she can't have. But I'll try and visit
again next week (got to get hold of her first - I've been trying for several
days), and see if she'll talk.

Cathy

zolw wrote:
Hi Cathy;

I don't have a definate answer, but if it was me (depending on how
close
you are to me) then I would like it if you would tell me that you know
that I might be hurting but that you are there for me, whenever I need
to talk about it. Don't push, but make sure she understands that you
are there for her.

I too don't believe in wearing kids' gloves when someone has had a
misfortune, but it usually is helpful to know & be sure that those who
love me are there for me.


Thanks - I'll try and make sure she knows I'm here for her.

Cathy

Vicky Bilaniuk wrote:
Cathy wrote:

I found out yesterday that my friend who had a baby about 6 weeks
ago had to have a hysterectomy at the time. I don't want to treat her
with kid gloves, but I think
she is very fragile, more so now than after the birth.

Thanks,
Cathy

I would just ask how she's feeling, and ask for an honest answer. I
can't tell you from experience, but I *can* tell you, based on many
women I know who have gone through hysterectomies, that they can be
very painful (can be worse than a c-section), and, depending on how
extensive
the surgery was, the hormonal upheaval can be very nasty (you can get
menopause thrown at you all at once). Couple this with a newborn and
it
must be pretty nasty.

Ohh, I hadn't thought about menopause. Oh cripes. I know she has been in a
huge amount of pain, and because of that, it took a lot longer for her milk
to come in, and her son had to be supplemented initially. I think I'll just
be me, and try and talk to her as we have done in the past.

Cathy

Cathy wrote:

Vicky Bilaniuk wrote:

Cathy wrote:


I found out yesterday that my friend who had a baby about 6 weeks
ago had to have a hysterectomy at the time. I don't want to treat her

with kid gloves, but I think

she is very fragile, more so now than after the birth.

Thanks,
Cathy

I would just ask how she's feeling, and ask for an honest answer. I
can't tell you from experience, but I *can* tell you, based on many
women I know who have gone through hysterectomies, that they can be
very painful (can be worse than a c-section), and, depending on how
extensive
the surgery was, the hormonal upheaval can be very nasty (you can get
menopause thrown at you all at once). Couple this with a newborn and
it
must be pretty nasty.


Ohh, I hadn't thought about menopause. Oh cripes. I know she has been in a
huge amount of pain, and because of that, it took a lot longer for her milk
to come in, and her son had to be supplemented initially. I think I'll just
be me, and try and talk to her as we have done in the past.

Just remember that if she has any mood swings, don't take them personally.

Ohh, I hadn't thought about menopause. Oh cripes. I know she has been in a
huge amount of pain, and because of that, it took a lot longer for her milk
to come in, and her son had to be supplemented initially.

Okay, I know *nothing* about this, just asking: if she still has her ovaries,
would she still be considered menopausal? Obviously she can't have periods, but
I thought the hormonal cycle continued until the ordinary age if you kept your
ovaries?

--Helen

If she still has her ovaries, she won't be forced into menopause. Only if
her ovaries are removed, will she go through menopause.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"H Schinske" wrote in message
...
Ohh, I hadn't thought about menopause. Oh cripes. I know she has been
in a
huge amount of pain, and because of that, it took a lot longer for her
milk
to come in, and her son had to be supplemented initially.

Okay, I know *nothing* about this, just asking: if she still has her
ovaries,
would she still be considered menopausal? Obviously she can't have
periods, but
I thought the hormonal cycle continued until the ordinary age if you kept
your
ovaries?

--Helen