Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself

Any thoughts on this?



I have been a SAHM for approx 1.5 years now, and prior to that worked full time
outside the home from the time DD was 2 months up until she was about 18 months
old.

On your question as to whether or not the commute is time to yourself, I think
it all depend on the person and the type of commute. I considered the commute
me time, since I got to listen to my own music in the car (instead of sesame
street). My personal experience is going to differ from most, as I got to
pretty much set my schedule, my job was not too stressful, and my commute was
not that strenuous. In my case, I feel I had a tremendous amount of me time
while working. I had time to make phone calls on my breaks or go out to lunch
with a coworker. Now, as a SAHM, I don't have much time to myself at all. I
have my hour in the evening for walking on the treadmill but in that case, I am
still at home and can't really relax too much knowing that as soon as it's over
I still have to give the baby a bath, do laundry, empty the dishwasher. For
me, simply being away from home was the key.

Linda
Mommy to Sophie, 3 years
and Eva, 7 months

Sonnie B. wrote:

My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
your opinon may be.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time
(40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself
and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't
agree and asked, "What time to myself?"


We've had a similar friendly debate here. I'm a full-time mom, my
husband works in an office. He takes the subway every day, and can
spend that time reading, staring into space, etc. He, on the other
hand, points out that subway time isn't exactly _quality_ time.

--
Sara, accompanied by the baby barnacle

Now, as a SAHM, I don't have much time to myself at all. I
have my hour in the evening for walking on the treadmill but in that case,
I am
still at home and can't really relax too much knowing that as soon as it's
over
I still have to give the baby a bath, do laundry, empty the dishwasher.
For
me, simply being away from home was the key.

Linda
Mommy to Sophie, 3 years
and Eva, 7 months

See I still feel like I get "me time" at home - after the kids go to bed.
Yeah they may get out of bed, I have to take 2 out of 3 of them to pee
before I go to bed. But I have time to get on the computer, polish my
nails, do a facial, read, watch my shows, eat a snack without sharing it,
etc...And that's still when my husband's deployed.

Sophie
#4 due 7/18/04

Sophie wrote:

See I still feel like I get "me time" at home - after the kids go to bed.
Yeah they may get out of bed, I have to take 2 out of 3 of them to pee
before I go to bed. But I have time to get on the computer, polish my
nails, do a facial, read, watch my shows, eat a snack without sharing it,
etc...And that's still when my husband's deployed.

Yeah, I don't know how people do it who don't have
a regular bedtime for their kids that's a few hours before
their own bedtime. I really need that time. Alas, I've
been pretty squeezed lately as I need to use that time for
work much of the time, but even then it's a respite from
the Mommy gig. The only problem is that it often isn't
good time for socializing because it's too late for many
things, so I still arrange things for myself with friends
on the weekends or whatever.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Yeah, I don't know how people do it who don't have
a regular bedtime for their kids that's a few hours before
their own bedtime. I really need that time.

I know my friends think I'm weird cos my kids go to bed "sooo early". I
hardly think 7 pm is too early for a 4 yr old or 2 yr old, or 8 pm for a 5
yr old. I get up when they get up, I'm not going to keep them up with me
till I go to bed.

Alas, I've
been pretty squeezed lately as I need to use that time for
work much of the time, but even then it's a respite from
the Mommy gig. The only problem is that it often isn't
good time for socializing because it's too late for many
things, so I still arrange things for myself with friends
on the weekends or whatever.

Best wishes,
Ericka


I never go out in the evening alone, not even to the store for errands. Any
socializing I do is in the day, usually the morning. I do get together with
friends and their kids on weekends if our husbands are away, that's it.

Sophie wrote:

I know my friends think I'm weird cos my kids go to bed "sooo early". I
hardly think 7 pm is too early for a 4 yr old or 2 yr old, or 8 pm for a 5
yr old. I get up when they get up, I'm not going to keep them up with me
till I go to bed.

That sounds pretty normal to me. I still try to get my kids (9 and 5) to bed by
eight or eight-thirty.

--Helen

"Sophie" wrote in message
...
Yeah, I don't know how people do it who don't have
a regular bedtime for their kids that's a few hours before
their own bedtime. I really need that time.

I know my friends think I'm weird cos my kids go to bed "sooo early". I
hardly think 7 pm is too early for a 4 yr old or 2 yr old, or 8 pm for a 5
yr old. I get up when they get up, I'm not going to keep them up with me
till I go to bed.


I don't think it's weird at all. I think it's impressive. I wish I could
get my children (6 years old and 11 month old) to bed that early. As it is,
DS (11 month old) goes to bed at 8:00 and DD goes to bed around 8:30 or
9:00pm

Jeanne

On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 13:37:33 -0400, "Sophie"
wrote:

Yeah, I don't know how people do it who don't have
a regular bedtime for their kids that's a few hours before
their own bedtime. I really need that time.

I know my friends think I'm weird cos my kids go to bed "sooo early". I
hardly think 7 pm is too early for a 4 yr old or 2 yr old, or 8 pm for a 5
yr old. I get up when they get up, I'm not going to keep them up with me
till I go to bed.

As another WAH mom who values her evenings I would be happy to put my
kids to bed earlier if I could get away with it. They currently both
go to bed at 8-8:30 pm. Any earlier and M (the younger) is up before
6am, which kills me. Your 4 year old must be a very good sleeper, or
you an early riser.

--Lisabell
Mom to Gabriella (5.5) and Michaela (4)

As another WAH mom who values her evenings I would be happy to put my
kids to bed earlier if I could get away with it. They currently both
go to bed at 8-8:30 pm. Any earlier and M (the younger) is up before
6am, which kills me. Your 4 year old must be a very good sleeper, or
you an early riser.

--Lisabell
Mom to Gabriella (5.5) and Michaela (4)


Well we've recently had changes - we've put the 4 and 2 yr olds in together
so the 5 yr old can share with the baby.
The 2 yr old wakes up the earliest - sometimes 5 am - but I can just put him
back in bed and he'll sleep a bit more. Nothing wakes the 4 yr old up. I'd
say they're both up for good about 6:30 (fine in the week, too early on the
weekends). The 5 yr old wakes up the latest everyday.

"Donna" wrote in message ...
"JennP" wrote in message
news:bFejc.42732$_L6.2653396@attbi_s53...
IMO, "time to yourself" is a block of time doing something *for* yourself
and both spouses should have this time, SAM, or WO/AM.

Just a "me too" to what JennP and Ericka et al have said

And I'll add a "me too" to the "me too." Heh...

(As someone whose commute means taking 15 minutes just to get *on* a
busy highway, then another 15 on said same aging piece of
transportation infrastructure...commute time ain't down time.)

But over the
course of a week/month, things even out.

See - this is important. This is how my husband and I figure it works.

It kind of sounds to me like the OP and his wife are "score-keeping."

"YOU have a 30 minute commute!"

"Well, YOU have at least that while the kids nap!"

"Well, YOU get a 15 minute shower by yourself every morning!"

Where does it end? What counts as down time? I took an hour to spread
mulch on some of my landscaping last night and I was all by myself.
Does that count? (It had better not!) My lunch hour at work doesn't
even count - though I do use it to post to Usenet - I most times
use my lunch time to go buy household items and clothes for the kids.

There's discussing a problem in the family - such as not having enough
time to oneself - and there's score-keeping. All other things being in
order (in other words, if this is NOT a case where one spouse is
definitely a slacker!) I'd say that defining the commute as "time to
one's self" is score-keeping.

What raises that flag for me is how the OP and his wife seem to be
defining this down-time *for* each other. What I think needs to happen
is that each parent defines down-time for themselves, then they
discuss how to make that happen in the relationship.

- Bev