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Excerpt: Growing Up Too Fast
The following is an excerpt from the book Growing Up Too Fast: The Rimm
Report on the Secret World of America's Middle Schoolers by Dr. Sylvia Rimm Published by Rodale; September 2005; $23.95US/$31.95CAN; 1-57954-709-5 Copyright © 2005 Sylvia Rimm Teaching Tweens to Handle Bullies When I was bullied, my parents were really helpful. They said I should walk away from the bullies and ignore them, and it worked. 5th-grade girl Even tweens with good self-esteem may wither on the vine from continuous taunting and teasing by powerful, popular kids or obnoxious bullies. They will have to do more than just cry about the problem, although a few tears when they come home distressed are justifiable and should receive your support and an understanding hug. Beyond comfort, your children will need some tools for coping that will diminish the problem. There is no easy way to stop taunting, but there are some approaches that have proven to be effective for children. If your children are tormented, teased, threatened, or physically harmed, here are some ways they can protect themselves and avoid dangerous situations. Walk away. The oldest recommendation for dealing with bullies is to ignore the taunts and walk away. It's preferable for kids to be able to join a group of other friends, but that's not always possible. It's also important for victims of bullying to understand that it's not their fault and that they shouldn't blame themselves. Self-talk like "What's his problem? I'm okay" helps victims cope with the emotional pain of teasing. Kids in my focus groups told me that ignoring bullies can actually be effective some of the time. Discover a strength. Kids who are stars of a sport, speech, drama, or math team soon find allies. Teammates don't pick on one of their own if they want someone on their team, and bullies don't taunt kids when they're surrounded by friends who will defend them. Very few of the boys in my focus groups who were active in sports suffered much taunting. Although not all children can count on being team players in sports, interests in speech, drama, or band can also offer opportunities for kids to discover support groups in and out of school. When your kids sing solos or receive trophies for a math meet or wrestling match, the taunting can diminish a little while admiration grows. Every little bit helps. Find a peer ally. If kids have friends among the leaders of the class, having them privately tell the leaders how much the teasing hurts is a good plan. Kids will feel better if they communicate directly to friends and are successful in saving themselves. A prestigious friend may help to stave off bullies. Help a friend in need. Teachers may be able to help kids who are bullied by appointing them to tutor someone who needs help with homework or to assist a physically handicapped child with activities. Not only will that build their self-esteem, but it will help them to concentrate their energies on caring about others. Although there is no guarantee that the bullies will back off, even bullies can't help but admire kids who go out of their way to help people with handicaps. Learn a sharp response. A sharp response pointing out a taunter's weaknesses may incite fear in a taunter, which will eradicate any further slurs. "You're so small I could put you in my back pocket," "My 6-foot brother is on the football team, and he doesn't like it when little squirts like you call me names," "Coming from you, I consider that a compliment," or "Haven't you learned your multiplication facts yet?" were effective for some kids in my focus groups. You'll have to determine your child's own courage level before you recommend he try to thwart bullies with a mean comment. That kind of response can backfire when kids fear their taunters may take them on physically. In these situations, it may be better for kids to ignore the taunts, find a friend to play with, or talk to a teacher for protection from the bullies. Fight back. Though I don't recommend fighting back, many parents do, and I have to admit that it may be effective for some kids. Victims may actually put a stop to bullies by giving them a kick in the shins or a punch in the nose. However, I don't encourage hitting back for two reasons. First, it teaches kids to be aggressive in response to aggression, which can lead to problems down the road. Second, the victim risks being physically beaten and feeling worse than before. Verbal assertiveness is much safer. Keep emotions under control. Bullies see tears as weak, stupid, silly, and babyish and assume that your "wimp of a kid needs a lesson," which they will deliver mercilessly. If kids lose their tempers when provoked, that rarely helps either. Explain to your kids that while it may be hard to walk away when they're angry, this may be the best alternative. If victims can't control their emotions in front of peers, they may require some adult intervention. Here are some suggestions to offer your kids. a.. Try to control the tears or anger until you're at home so that the bullies don't have another reason to tease you. b.. Walk away, ignore the taunts, and tell yourself, "Don't cry, don't cry." Change the tears to laughter, or make a joke and disarm the crowd while also relieving some of your own tension. c.. Find a close friend who will support you and walk as far away as possible. d.. Talk privately to a teacher or principal who is in a powerful position to change the bullying behavior by speaking with your class or group. While it's important to offer your kids advice on how to deter bullying, they'll also need your understanding and reassurance. Here are some suggestions for parents whose kids are being bullied. Reassure your children. Your kids deserve reassurance that they are good, smart, and effective people, despite what others may say or do. They also need to learn coping strategies so they don't play the victim. You should be supportive of their feelings, but be careful not to host a daily pity party. It's not helpful to your kids to allow them to dwell in self-pity. Sometimes kids learn they can get plenty of attention from a parent when they describe how mean others are. Of course, if they truly are hurt, they need you to believe them, but they also need advice that will move them forward to their strengths and interests. Helping your kids develop their personal strengths can guide them toward positive accomplishments that will eventually build their self-esteem. Appeal to kids' sensitive sides. Kids who taunt and insult others aren't necessarily mean kids. That is, they may not realize that they're hurting others. Adults, like teachers, can take bullies aside privately, appeal to their sensitive sides, and get them to stop the teasing. This approach may be more effective with girls than boys, but it's worth trying for both. You should realize, however, that addressing the matter in front of peers could embarrass the leaders, causing them to unleash their power to taunt even more. Deal with depression. If your child seems depressed, schedule an evaluation by a psychologist. Depression can be a serious problem and should not be ignored or dismissed. Symptoms of depression such as excessive sleeping, having difficulty waking in the morning, refusing to go to school, complaining of stomachaches or headaches, withdrawing from social or school activities, and getting lower grades should alert you to seek professional help. Rely on an authority. If your child feels threatened, it may be necessary for you to report the problem to the appropriate authorities, even if your child is afraid that he'll be called a tattler. Explain that there's a difference between tattling and reporting: Tattlers tell authorities just to get another person into trouble, but reporters believe they or others may not be safe. Reporting problems to authorities can sometimes prevent disasters. One eighth-grader told me about his fears that bullies who hunted with their dads had access to guns and might use them on him if provoked. I encouraged him to be sure to report his concerns to his parents and his school's principal if he was ever actually threatened with a gun, and I encourage parents and teachers to report threats to the police if appropriate. To be effective, an authority will need to investigate in order to label the behavior as bullying. That may not be easy, because bullies usually take action out of sight from adults. Once bullies are identified, the school must clearly state that bullying behavior isn't acceptable and make that statement for any child physically hit or belittled in inappropriate ways. If schools follow through and require a visit to the principal's office, a conference with the parents, and an appropriate punishment, the bullying will diminish and kids will be safe. These actions may not prevent an occasional insult, but hopefully kids who feel safe can manage to ignore less-threatening taunts. Reprinted from: Growing Up Too Fast: The Rimm Report on the Secret World of America's Middle Schoolers by Sylvia Rimm, PhD © Sylvia Rimm. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their website at www.rodalestore.com Author Sylvia Rimm, PhD, is a noted child psychologist who directs Sylvia Rimm's Family Achievement Clinic and is a clinical professor at Case School of Medicine, both in Cleveland. Her books include See Jane Win, a New York Times bestseller, and Rescuing the Emotional Lives of Overweight Children, which was a finalist for the Books for a Better Life Award. A syndicated newspaper columnist and a favorite personality on public radio, Dr. Rimm has also appeared on NBC's 20/20 and The Today Show and MSNBC's Weekend Today. She and her husband reside in Cleveland, Ohio. For more information, please visit www.sylviarimm.com |
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