Daycare dilema

Hi there

My son is 20 months old and has been going to day care since he was 12
mths. He goes for 3 days a week from 10am - 4pm. The last 3 weeks he
has become very clingy and doesn't want me to leave. He has never been
clingy before in any situation unless he is sick. He doesn't sleep
very well at day care so I'm not sure if he is worried about nap time.
He is only clingy going to day care. If I leave the room in a
different situation (around at a friends, etc) he is fine. He knows
the staff well at daycare.

I just don't know what to do. I'm sending him for his own benefit as
they do so many cool things and there is a high staff to child ratio.
He used to love going there. Over the last weeks I've left him and
he's got over me going but stayed a bit grisly over the day. Today I
took him back home with me. He was so upset and everytime I gave him
to someone else or put him down he got so upset.

Am I creating a spoilt child? Do I drop him off say "bye" and run or
do I drop him off and run away when he's not looking? Or do not send
him until he's older? I don't know what to do.

Has anyone got any links to research about daycare for under twos?

Thanks for listening,
Camille

"camandshane" ) writes:
Has anyone got any links to research about daycare for under twos?

I did a web search and found this page,
which summarizes some research and gives some
references:

http://www.fulltimemothers.org/ccres.htm

Generally, it suggests that daycare is bad for young
children's emotional development. Intuitively, I would
think this would tend to apply especially (or only?)
when the child is unhappy about separating from the parents.

camandshane writes:

Hi there My son is 20 months old and has been going to day care since he
was 12 mths. He goes for 3 days a week from 10am - 4pm. The last 3 weeks
he has become very clingy and doesn't want me to leave. He has never
been clingy before in any situation unless he is sick. He doesn't sleep
very well at day care so I'm not sure if he is worried about nap time.
He is only clingy going to day care. If I leave the room in a different
situation (around at a friends, etc) he is fine. He knows the staff well
at daycare.

Has he recently been ill, does he have a cold, or has anything else
happened to make him feel under par in some way? We find that our son, who
is generally very happy at nursery, will have trouble being left in the
morning for a while under such circumstances; then becomes fine again once
he's fully well/settled.

I just don't know what to do. I'm sending him for his own benefit as
they do so many cool things and there is a high staff to child ratio. He
used to love going there. Over the last weeks I've left him and he's got
over me going but stayed a bit grisly over the day. Today I took him
back home with me. He was so upset and everytime I gave him to someone
else or put him down he got so upset.

One thing I will say is that multiple attempts to give him to someone else
or put him down ("everytime") is probably a mistake, I think. I'd say there
are basically three options: (a) stay with him until he calms down and
you're pretty sure he'll be OK when you leave - and then *do* leave,
whether or not he cries when you do so - or (b) just leave him crying, or
(c) aim for (a), but observe that he's not reaching a state where you feel
confident leaving him, so just take him home (and I think that should
really be exceptional - it's really a situation where you've reached "oops,
shouldn't have started from here"). That is, don't appear uncertain of what
to do, by repeatedly looking as though you're about to leave him and then
not doing so.

Am I creating a spoilt child? Do I drop him off say "bye" and run or do
I drop him off and run away when he's not looking? Or do not send him
until he's older? I don't know what to do.

Mmm. If he's staying noticeably grisly over the day, that's a bit different
from what we've seen from our son. If he's not his usual self from about 10
minutes after we leave, then it does seem to mean he's feeling unwell. The
"being unsettled" pattern is that he cries on being left and is then his
usual self a few minutes later. Do you have more information about exactly
what he's like during the day? Do the staff think he's unwell (teething?),
or are there specific situations he doesn't like, or what? When you took
him home today, was he fine with you for the rest of the day, or was he
also a bit grisly with you, which would strongly suggest he's not feeling
quite well?

If you do decide to carry on taking him, I'd advise against the "run off
when he's not looking" approach, but there are several options. This is
hearsay since it's DH who takes Colin, not me, but DH has a variety of
techniques which seem to have in common that they allow a bit of reluctance
on Colin's part and involve some distraction - being tickled (at just the
right moment, no good doing that if he's already crying, I'd think!), or
immediately distracted with a request to do something; allowing the
drop-off process to take longer than it might if it were going smoothly,
anyway. Other people find that it works best to just do it as fast as
possible, the say goodbye and run approach.

On the few occasions when I've been the one to take Colin in the morning
(which is in itself disruptive, of course, and only happens if DH is away)
then what I find helps is if I talk to him all the way there about what's
going to happen, in detail - "when we get there you'll take off your coat
and I'll take you into the playroom and ..... and I'll go to work and work
all day and you'll stay at nursery and play, and in the afternoon I'll come
and fetch you". Repeat repeat repeat!

Has anyone got any links to research about daycare for under twos?

It's not quite clear what the research question would be? Are you hoping
for research specifically on how to do separation, or on more generally
whether daycare is good for a 20 month old child? There's no very clear
answer to the latter, AIUI - the one thing everyone's agreed on is that it
matters that the daycare be high quality (as it sounds as though yours is).
Personally, my feeling is that high quality daycare is a good thing for a
20 month old child, but you really have to balance it for your own child,
taking the rest of your family situation into account.

Sidheag
DS Colin Oct 27 2003

My son has been going to day care since he was six months old...

He absolutely loves it while he is there, but we went through a phase
(lasting six-eight months!) where he would be hysterically clingy when I
left him. Actually, the phase had two parts - the first stage was the
'normal' seperation anxiety phase that settled down reasonably quickly; then
the centre changed management not long after, and there were a lot of staff
changes in a short period of time. Then it started up in earnest - but I
could see into the room where I dropped him off from the car park, and he'd
nearly always settle down by the time I walked back to the car (two
minutes).

He has since settled down and is happy for me to leave him - but we now go a
couple of hours later since I stopped working, and I am dropping him off in
*his* room, rather than the nursery.

Can you leave him - but not leave the centre - so you can check up on him
say ten minutes later through a window?

Also, maybe keep him home one week and spend some quality time together,
then take him back again?

You wouldn't be *spoiling* him - He's still only a baby and not even two
yet. When he plays up and says he doesn't want to go to school, that's a
different story. I wouldn't go seeking intanets opinions about whether
daycare is good/bad for your child - you will only end up feeling guilty
and/or confused. You're the mother - go by your best instincts.

Jodi

I just don't know what to do. I'm sending him for his own benefit as
they do so many cool things and there is a high staff to child ratio


Wow - you'd think a child's own benefit would be to have his own mom raise
him...not other people.

Maybe, just MAYBE he wants to spend time with you because you have been
dumping him off at daycare since he was a year old. Crazy idea, I know.

Scott

In article outparenting.com,
Kinslayer says...

I just don't know what to do. I'm sending him for his own benefit as
they do so many cool things and there is a high staff to child ratio


Wow - you'd think a child's own benefit would be to have his own mom raise
him...not other people.

Maybe, just MAYBE he wants to spend time with you because you have been
dumping him off at daycare since he was a year old. Crazy idea, I know.

Scott

I have an idea that takes care of all concerns, and by jove I can't figure out
why it isnt' happening already!

His *dad* can take care of him.

Cheers,
Banty

On 21 Dec 2005 10:21:51 -0800, Banty wrote:

I have an idea that takes care of all concerns, and by jove I can't figure out
why it isnt' happening already!

His *dad* can take care of him.

Is dad working during the day??

It doesn't sound to me as if the OP *needs* the daycare so she can go
to work, but that she's using it as a socialization tool. Nothing
wrong with that.

Nan

On Wed, 21 Dec 2005 13:07:54 -0500, "Kinslayer"
wrote:

Wow - you'd think a child's own benefit would be to have his own mom raise
him...not other people.

eyeroll
One day a week for 6 hours does not constitute "raising" her child.

Maybe, just MAYBE he wants to spend time with you because you have been
dumping him off at daycare since he was a year old. Crazy idea, I know.

Yeah, Maybe, just MAYBE you're a troll. Crazy idea, I know.

Nan

In article , Nan says...

On 21 Dec 2005 10:21:51 -0800, Banty wrote:

I have an idea that takes care of all concerns, and by jove I can't figure out
why it isnt' happening already!

His *dad* can take care of him.

Is dad working during the day??

Somebody is, I take it.


It doesn't sound to me as if the OP *needs* the daycare so she can go
to work, but that she's using it as a socialization tool. Nothing
wrong with that.

She hasn't said (or I've missed it), but the hours suggest a part-time
employment.

So maybe Dad can cut back on his hours to be at home three days a week.....

Banty

Thanks Nan!!!

His Dad does work long hours - we own our own retail shops and we don't
have a choice. I do work also but I can work from home - doing wages,
tax, blaugh blaugh blaugh - all the boring stuff.

I wan't being a bad Mum sending him to daycare for my benefit - I
thought I would give it a go as they do have great programs and help me
out with cool activities and setting boundaries at home - things I
would never think of. He has always loved it up to now - he would go
running down the hall to his room and hug the teachers and not even
give me a second look. I thought it would be good to carry on this
part of his life as it is consistent and I am about to have another
baby and completely rock his world. Oh well - if there is one thing
I've learnt - you can't plan life exactly with a child - they always
change their ideas :-)

Thanks for your reply's and Merry Xmas
Camille