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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)



 
 
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  #1  
Old July 17th 03, 07:37 AM
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

This is so painful and I am so ashamed and hurt it is difficult to talk
about it but you are my family of choice and have been with me through thick
and thin for over four years now and I love you all and need you now more
than ever as my "real" family is very unhealthy for me and my son and not
there for us anyway and have caused part of the problem. I'm going to tell
the whole story so you get the whole picture so as best to understand the
situation so that perhaps you will understand how my son and I got to the
crisis point we are at and hopefully avoid judging and condemning me, please
don't do that right now.

I grew up with a mother who was emotionally vacant and neglectful to the
point that I nearly died as a child of dehydration and abused my whole life
by my father and his crazy family. I also inherited the genetic mental
illness but I also inherited the high intelligence and creativity on my
mother's side, but alas, not the money ;-) (It is my life's dream to study
the genetics of psychiatric illnesses and I am in school now pursuing that.)

But, and this is a huge one. There is something else that has been passed
on. My son watched me be abused by men when he was very young. I don't
remember a lot of my childhood so it's hard for me to relate to what all he
can remember of his but somehow over the last two years my precious little
boy has become very abusive to me emotionally and verbally and it has
reached a crisis point to where he can not live with me. He is 16.

I haven't been able to control him since he got bigger than me two years
ago. He stopped going to school regularly, even though he is very
intelligent and I taught him everything I know about computers and have
given him everything I possibly can. He says he will go back next year and
finish high school and I hope he does but he has a lot of pressure from the
underachievers we live around who do not have his intelligence or skills. I
know I haven't been able to show love for him like "normal" but I have loved
him better than I was loved and I have not physically abused him, that I am
proud of, especially for having bipolar disorder. I have done my best to
take care of my mental health ever since I recognized that there was
something wrong with me, looking for the right pills, since I was 18 and old
enough to have my own insurance since my mother believes I am demon
possessed and just need to go back to church. Just last year I finally got
the right anti-depressant and am finally awake! All the others made me
tired and fat. I could go on for paragraphs about side effects... But
mainly being asleep is the one that affected my poor child the worst, I know
what it feels like to be ignored, that hurts worst than any beating, in my
opinion.

Psychic scars hurt and I can see that I have hell to pay for what my mental
illness and the abuse that has been heaped on me in the past has done to my
little boy who stands before me an angry young man. The thing is, I am
tired and small and hurt and out of everyone, I am the only one who stood by
him all these years, why does he hate me so much that he wants to punish me
so badly? Everyday he calls me names and I tell him not to talk to me like
that but he goes on like I didn't say anything, he drives my car without a
license, he smokes pot and cigarettes and drinks and tells me the child
support that I get, that I finally get after all these years, is free money,
that I don't earn it, that I don't do anything because keeping a roof over
his head, the lights on, food in the fridge and on the table and tv in his
room and internet on his computer and gas in the car isn't work, and fixing
computers isn't anything, even he can do that. I used to have such
confidence and sometimes I still do but then I come home. My college
education means nothing to him even though he was THERE. I took him to the
University of Wisconsin with me when he was five, he went to daycare and
then kindergarten right there on campus, he got a wonderful, radical
education. I've tried so hard to expose him to literature and art and
politics and music and gave him all these computer skills that he is so
proud of. He has new clothes, I don't. His computer runs 5 times faster
than mine and has all the new stuff. I knew when I had him that I didn't
have what it takes to be a mother, much less a young, single mother and I
wanted to give him up for adoption but my mother and my aunt (the god squad)
ripped up the papers "you're not giving away our grand baby" but after he
was born it was all "you made your bed, you lie in it" "we raised ours
alone, you can do it too." "you broke God's law (fornication), all these
things that you are suffering, this is your punishment." That last one, my
mom said that to me again just last month. She wasn't being cruel, she
really believes that. And unfortunately, apparently so do I. It is not
helpful. I didn't know that I had a mental illness until after he was born.
I didn't know that it was genetic until a few years ago and when I found
that out I had my tubes tied, it stops with me.

I don't bother telling my mother any of this for obvious reasons or my aunt
as they both are already old and overwhelmed with ill health and caring for
other family members who are having health problems. I have no other
family. His father lives far away and resents his existence and burden of
child support and has his "own" family to support so I don't think he will
take him in or be a good role model either. I have been calling the foster
care people for two weeks and they have been giving me the run around while
my son gets more and more aggressive and I get more and more frustrated.
Friday I called 911 and said come get him before I hurt him but they said I
was stuck with him until he is 18 and put me through to some intake worker
who said she would mail me an appointment. I said we did not have time to
wait for the mail and she hung up on me. I started calling numbers at
random that were similar to hers and got a case worker who put me through to
her supervisor but it was voice mail so I left a message. Sunday I got gas
and my son insisted on driving and I was too tired and defeated to argue
even though he doesn't have a license and puts up a fight every time I try
to get him to get a permit, anyway we get to the store with the last of our
money and he wants pop but we only have enough for the gas and a 99 cent
mocha each. But I break down and get him the damn pop. (This is a side of
me none of you have seen before isn't it.) Anyway, I come out of the store
and he yells across the lot, "That's not the kind of pop I want you dumb
crack!" I stare at him in shock. How did it get this bad? How is it that I
haven't had a man in my life for 7 years since the last guy broke my back
and I decided to focus on my son and yet he still turned into one of "them"?
(Now someone will say "she has an us and them mentality, it's her fault.
burn the witch. I have a them and them mentality. men who abuse and men who
do not feel the need to offend. but burn away, i'm on fire anyway) How did I
screw this up, the only thing that really matters? And who is going to save
my soul?

I point out that this is the same pop I got last week that he complained
that I didn't get enough of back when we had money. This is all so
familiar. I have made these same apologetic rationalizations to numerous
abusive men in the past before and it is pointless. It has to stop. It has
to stop with me. I get up and take the pop back into the store for a
refund. The lady looks at me like I am crazy (!) but gives me my dollar
fifty back and for the reason why I write down 'ungrateful kid' and she
laughs with me. My son is irate and I hear about it all the way home how
crazy I am while I tell him how he just isn't used to me standing up for
myself and holding him accountable but I plan to do it more often. I will
pay, I will pay big for this, but I have no idea yet. His friend comes over
needing his computer fixed. Word travels fast when you fix computers for
free. He asks if he can use my computer to format his friends hard drive.
Hell no! That is taking a big risk that you will accidentally lose the data
on your hard drive, take that risk on your own computer or, better yet, take
that risk on your friend's computer. Here, take my windows '98 cd... and I
advise him how to do it. I work on my webpage a little and post some of my
poems and my newest song. I am taking physics and have a lot of studying to
do, I love going to college, I am good at it. My computer is my life. I
have been a computer technician since 1996, it is my link to this news group
and my email which is an important social need and to the Internet where I
am constantly keeping my overactive brain busy doing research learning and
helping people with my knowledge and all my poems and songs and webpage and
2 years worth of data are on my 30 gigabyte hard drive.

Monday I came home from school and turned on my computer and nothing
happened... it wouldn't boot. It was as if my son had killed my dog. For
you guys out there, imagine you had a prized Porsche that you cherished and
showed off and took care of every day and your son got mad at you, had been
mad at you for a lot of things that you just didn't know how to fix and you
came home one day and your son asked if he could drive it and you said no
and you came home and your Porsche was sitting in your drive way all crashed
up, how angry would you be? I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I got
in my car and drove to his friend's house and he got in and I took him to
the woods near there and told him how he hurt me and he had no right, he had
crossed the last boundary, he no longer lived at my house and that when he
went and told everyone how crazy I was to be sure and tell them what he had
done. I did not hit him or touch him at all, he was not scared of me in any
way, (he is a foot taller than me and much faster and I can't run, I have
two compressed disks in my lower back) he was annoyed. I said I was going
to smash up his computer but he pointed out that his is worth way more than
mine and I'd just have to pay for it so what's the sense in that. He walked
back to the car before I did and tried to use his keys to get in but I got
in and went home and sat down and called 911 again. They put me through to
crisis and I told them again how much worse things had gotten and to please
find some place for my son to live because he could not live with me, he was
hurting me and I was having a hard time holding it together and I did not
want it to escalate either way. Do something! I have a counselor, he has a
counselor, it's going to take more than that. His constant abuse is
aggravating my PTSD and I don't want to be abusive to him. I've been
accused of having a victim mentality on here before, I think maybe that is
what has contributed to how he has learned to treat me so please don't beat
me up about that, certainly that will make things worse. So, the police
came to my house. I was surprised to see them as I thought I had handled it
pretty well, having gotten my point across without resorting to violence but
what I didn't know is that my son had told them that I tried to kill him.
He said this in front of my only friend, who knows me really well, but they
did not listen to her even though she is an adult, they listened to him,
presumably because although he is a minor he looks like a man. So now those
who have a history of picking on me for "having issues with men" can start
blaming this on me for that. Or maybe it's all Eve's fault, but I already
apologized for that at gunpoint when I was married to my psycho ex-husband
in front of my son when he was three, he remembers that better than I do,
I've gotten really good at dissociating (leaving your body when your body
and spirit find it necessary to take a break from each other for awhile).
And before you blame me for getting involved with abusive men, they are not
abusive at first, it is like a spider's web. Very beautiful and intricate
and silky soft and smooth but damned difficult to get out of and the harder
you try to get out of it the more stuck you are. Precious few escape. And
I have worked very hard at escaping, I attract psychos, they like my fiery
personality and my lovingness combination and I never know they are a psycho
until it's too late. I did abstain for all those years but I guess that was
too late. Well, this is the biggest pity party I've had in a long time.
Probably because I haven't had this much pain come to the surface in years.

So, the police, once again, reinforced my fear and loathing of them although
they were pretty kind and respectful when they went about it by NOT helping
me. I have learned repeatedly that the police do not help women who are
being abused by men, they only know how to punish and they are good at that
and they tend to identify with the man. I have heard contrary from others,
but this has been my experience time and time and time again regardless of
my behavior or attitude or what part of the country I am in. Because my son
lied to the police about how I reacted to him destroying my computer they
took me to involuntary psych unit. It has been a long time since I have
been treated with such indignity and it really brought out the abused child
in me to be abandoned and ignored which about sums up what it's like to be
locked up in the emergency room. It is completely useless as a health care
tool. You get no sleep, you get NO medication, they make you take off all
your clothes and wear a napkin (you might make a slingshot out of your
brassiere or something), and when you ask for help no one will listen to
you, because you are a mental patient. It brings back some very bad
memories. I had two angels. I am hypoglycemic and nearly fainted on my way
back from the bathroom because they also do not feed you on the psych ward
in the middle of the night and I also needed my pain meds but fat chance I
was even going to bother asking for that, much less my mental health meds,
ironic though that may be. But for some reason I have the survival skill of
tenacity, I asked every single nurse that walked by until one listened to me
and she got me some 7UP. She also picked up the bloody gauze that was on
the floor next to my bed that was there when I got there that I pointed out
was a hospital liability but none of the other nurses would listen to me
about it. (good thing I'm not THAT kind of crazy, sheesh, what if it had
AIDS on it or something?) The other one was the security guard watching me.
Being ignored really gets to me and I almost lost it and he came over and
said you brought that book with you (a physics book) he said he had no idea
what it was about but that if I filled my head with the book there would be
no room for my mother, my mother was NOT there. And then he proceeded to
watch over me, in a good way. I even fell asleep for awhile, in peace.

They released me to the care of my counselor's office where, thankfully,
they know me very well and they know I am not a violent psycho like my son
and the police were making me out to be and they made arrangements to
contact foster care on my behalf and let me go so I could get to class. A
taxi took me home and when I got there my car was gone. Boy was I mad, lol.
My son had run the gas out but at least it was all in one piece and my
friend brought it to me and I went to school and tried to fake normal,
that's like trying to pretend that you are not on fire. Who is this child
and where is my real son? How do I get him back? Why won't the system stop
screwing around and help us? Now what do I do?


  #2  
Old July 17th 03, 12:55 PM
Betsy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

In news:[email protected],
typed:
This is so painful and I am so ashamed and hurt it is difficult to
talk about it but you are my family of choice and have been with me
through thick and thin for over four years now and I love you all and
need you now more than ever as my "real" family is very unhealthy for
me and my son and not there for us anyway and have caused part of the
problem. I'm going to tell the whole story so you get the whole
picture so as best to understand the situation so that perhaps you
will understand how my son and I got to the crisis point we are at
and hopefully avoid judging and condemning me, please don't do that
right now.

I grew up with a mother who was emotionally vacant and neglectful to
the point that I nearly died as a child of dehydration and abused my
whole life by my father and his crazy family. I also inherited the
genetic mental illness but I also inherited the high intelligence and
creativity on my mother's side, but alas, not the money ;-) (It is
my life's dream to study the genetics of psychiatric illnesses and I
am in school now pursuing that.)

But, and this is a huge one. There is something else that has been
passed on. My son watched me be abused by men when he was very
young. I don't remember a lot of my childhood so it's hard for me to
relate to what all he can remember of his but somehow over the last
two years my precious little boy has become very abusive to me
emotionally and verbally and it has reached a crisis point to where
he can not live with me. He is 16.

I haven't been able to control him since he got bigger than me two
years ago. He stopped going to school regularly, even though he is
very intelligent and I taught him everything I know about computers
and have given him everything I possibly can. He says he will go back
next year and finish high school and I hope he does but he has a lot
of pressure from the underachievers we live around who do not have
his intelligence or skills. I know I haven't been able to show love
for him like "normal" but I have loved him better than I was loved
and I have not physically abused him, that I am proud of, especially
for having bipolar disorder. I have done my best to take care of my
mental health ever since I recognized that there was something wrong
with me, looking for the right pills, since I was 18 and old enough
to have my own insurance since my mother believes I am demon
possessed and just need to go back to church. Just last year I
finally got the right anti-depressant and am finally awake! All the
others made me tired and fat. I could go on for paragraphs about
side effects... But mainly being asleep is the one that affected my
poor child the worst, I know what it feels like to be ignored, that
hurts worst than any beating, in my opinion.

Psychic scars hurt and I can see that I have hell to pay for what my
mental illness and the abuse that has been heaped on me in the past
has done to my little boy who stands before me an angry young man.
The thing is, I am tired and small and hurt and out of everyone, I am
the only one who stood by him all these years, why does he hate me so
much that he wants to punish me so badly? Everyday he calls me names
and I tell him not to talk to me like that but he goes on like I
didn't say anything, he drives my car without a license, he smokes
pot and cigarettes and drinks and tells me the child support that I
get, that I finally get after all these years, is free money, that I
don't earn it, that I don't do anything because keeping a roof over
his head, the lights on, food in the fridge and on the table and tv
in his room and internet on his computer and gas in the car isn't
work, and fixing computers isn't anything, even he can do that. I
used to have such confidence and sometimes I still do but then I come
home. My college education means nothing to him even though he was
THERE. I took him to the University of Wisconsin with me when he was
five, he went to daycare and then kindergarten right there on campus,
he got a wonderful, radical education. I've tried so hard to expose
him to literature and art and politics and music and gave him all
these computer skills that he is so proud of. He has new clothes, I
don't. His computer runs 5 times faster than mine and has all the
new stuff. I knew when I had him that I didn't have what it takes to
be a mother, much less a young, single mother and I wanted to give
him up for adoption but my mother and my aunt (the god squad) ripped
up the papers "you're not giving away our grand baby" but after he
was born it was all "you made your bed, you lie in it" "we raised
ours alone, you can do it too." "you broke God's law (fornication),
all these things that you are suffering, this is your punishment."
That last one, my mom said that to me again just last month. She
wasn't being cruel, she really believes that. And unfortunately,
apparently so do I. It is not helpful. I didn't know that I had a
mental illness until after he was born. I didn't know that it was
genetic until a few years ago and when I found that out I had my
tubes tied, it stops with me.

I don't bother telling my mother any of this for obvious reasons or
my aunt as they both are already old and overwhelmed with ill health
and caring for other family members who are having health problems.
I have no other family. His father lives far away and resents his
existence and burden of child support and has his "own" family to
support so I don't think he will take him in or be a good role model
either. I have been calling the foster care people for two weeks and
they have been giving me the run around while my son gets more and
more aggressive and I get more and more frustrated. Friday I called
911 and said come get him before I hurt him but they said I was stuck
with him until he is 18 and put me through to some intake worker who
said she would mail me an appointment. I said we did not have time
to wait for the mail and she hung up on me. I started calling
numbers at random that were similar to hers and got a case worker who
put me through to her supervisor but it was voice mail so I left a
message. Sunday I got gas and my son insisted on driving and I was
too tired and defeated to argue even though he doesn't have a license
and puts up a fight every time I try to get him to get a permit,
anyway we get to the store with the last of our money and he wants
pop but we only have enough for the gas and a 99 cent mocha each.
But I break down and get him the damn pop. (This is a side of me
none of you have seen before isn't it.) Anyway, I come out of the
store and he yells across the lot, "That's not the kind of pop I want
you dumb crack!" I stare at him in shock. How did it get this bad?
How is it that I haven't had a man in my life for 7 years since the
last guy broke my back and I decided to focus on my son and yet he
still turned into one of "them"? (Now someone will say "she has an us
and them mentality, it's her fault. burn the witch. I have a them
and them mentality. men who abuse and men who do not feel the need to
offend. but burn away, i'm on fire anyway) How did I screw this up,
the only thing that really matters? And who is going to save my
soul?

I point out that this is the same pop I got last week that he
complained that I didn't get enough of back when we had money. This
is all so familiar. I have made these same apologetic
rationalizations to numerous abusive men in the past before and it is
pointless. It has to stop. It has to stop with me. I get up and
take the pop back into the store for a refund. The lady looks at me
like I am crazy (!) but gives me my dollar fifty back and for the
reason why I write down 'ungrateful kid' and she laughs with me. My
son is irate and I hear about it all the way home how crazy I am
while I tell him how he just isn't used to me standing up for myself
and holding him accountable but I plan to do it more often. I will
pay, I will pay big for this, but I have no idea yet. His friend
comes over needing his computer fixed. Word travels fast when you
fix computers for free. He asks if he can use my computer to format
his friends hard drive. Hell no! That is taking a big risk that you
will accidentally lose the data on your hard drive, take that risk on
your own computer or, better yet, take that risk on your friend's
computer. Here, take my windows '98 cd... and I advise him how to do
it. I work on my webpage a little and post some of my poems and my
newest song. I am taking physics and have a lot of studying to do, I
love going to college, I am good at it. My computer is my life. I
have been a computer technician since 1996, it is my link to this
news group and my email which is an important social need and to the
Internet where I am constantly keeping my overactive brain busy doing
research learning and helping people with my knowledge and all my
poems and songs and webpage and 2 years worth of data are on my 30
gigabyte hard drive.

Monday I came home from school and turned on my computer and nothing
happened... it wouldn't boot. It was as if my son had killed my dog.
For you guys out there, imagine you had a prized Porsche that you
cherished and showed off and took care of every day and your son got
mad at you, had been mad at you for a lot of things that you just
didn't know how to fix and you came home one day and your son asked
if he could drive it and you said no and you came home and your
Porsche was sitting in your drive way all crashed up, how angry would
you be? I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I got in my car and
drove to his friend's house and he got in and I took him to the woods
near there and told him how he hurt me and he had no right, he had
crossed the last boundary, he no longer lived at my house and that
when he went and told everyone how crazy I was to be sure and tell
them what he had done. I did not hit him or touch him at all, he was
not scared of me in any way, (he is a foot taller than me and much
faster and I can't run, I have two compressed disks in my lower back)
he was annoyed. I said I was going to smash up his computer but he
pointed out that his is worth way more than mine and I'd just have to
pay for it so what's the sense in that. He walked back to the car
before I did and tried to use his keys to get in but I got in and
went home and sat down and called 911 again. They put me through to
crisis and I told them again how much worse things had gotten and to
please find some place for my son to live because he could not live
with me, he was hurting me and I was having a hard time holding it
together and I did not want it to escalate either way. Do something!
I have a counselor, he has a counselor, it's going to take more than
that. His constant abuse is aggravating my PTSD and I don't want to
be abusive to him. I've been accused of having a victim mentality on
here before, I think maybe that is what has contributed to how he has
learned to treat me so please don't beat me up about that, certainly
that will make things worse. So, the police came to my house. I was
surprised to see them as I thought I had handled it pretty well,
having gotten my point across without resorting to violence but what
I didn't know is that my son had told them that I tried to kill him.
He said this in front of my only friend, who knows me really well,
but they did not listen to her even though she is an adult, they
listened to him, presumably because although he is a minor he looks
like a man. So now those who have a history of picking on me for
"having issues with men" can start blaming this on me for that. Or
maybe it's all Eve's fault, but I already apologized for that at
gunpoint when I was married to my psycho ex-husband in front of my
son when he was three, he remembers that better than I do, I've
gotten really good at dissociating (leaving your body when your body
and spirit find it necessary to take a break from each other for
awhile). And before you blame me for getting involved with abusive
men, they are not abusive at first, it is like a spider's web. Very
beautiful and intricate and silky soft and smooth but damned
difficult to get out of and the harder you try to get out of it the
more stuck you are. Precious few escape. And I have worked very
hard at escaping, I attract psychos, they like my fiery personality
and my lovingness combination and I never know they are a psycho
until it's too late. I did abstain for all those years but I guess
that was too late. Well, this is the biggest pity party I've had in
a long time. Probably because I haven't had this much pain come to
the surface in years.

So, the police, once again, reinforced my fear and loathing of them
although they were pretty kind and respectful when they went about it
by NOT helping me. I have learned repeatedly that the police do not
help women who are being abused by men, they only know how to punish
and they are good at that and they tend to identify with the man. I
have heard contrary from others, but this has been my experience time
and time and time again regardless of my behavior or attitude or what
part of the country I am in. Because my son lied to the police about
how I reacted to him destroying my computer they took me to
involuntary psych unit. It has been a long time since I have been
treated with such indignity and it really brought out the abused
child in me to be abandoned and ignored which about sums up what it's
like to be locked up in the emergency room. It is completely useless
as a health care tool. You get no sleep, you get NO medication, they
make you take off all your clothes and wear a napkin (you might make
a slingshot out of your brassiere or something), and when you ask for
help no one will listen to you, because you are a mental patient. It
brings back some very bad memories. I had two angels. I am
hypoglycemic and nearly fainted on my way back from the bathroom
because they also do not feed you on the psych ward in the middle of
the night and I also needed my pain meds but fat chance I was even
going to bother asking for that, much less my mental health meds,
ironic though that may be. But for some reason I have the survival
skill of tenacity, I asked every single nurse that walked by until
one listened to me and she got me some 7UP. She also picked up the
bloody gauze that was on the floor next to my bed that was there when
I got there that I pointed out was a hospital liability but none of
the other nurses would listen to me about it. (good thing I'm not
THAT kind of crazy, sheesh, what if it had AIDS on it or something?)
The other one was the security guard watching me. Being ignored
really gets to me and I almost lost it and he came over and said you
brought that book with you (a physics book) he said he had no idea
what it was about but that if I filled my head with the book there
would be no room for my mother, my mother was NOT there. And then he
proceeded to watch over me, in a good way. I even fell asleep for
awhile, in peace.

They released me to the care of my counselor's office where,
thankfully, they know me very well and they know I am not a violent
psycho like my son and the police were making me out to be and they
made arrangements to contact foster care on my behalf and let me go
so I could get to class. A taxi took me home and when I got there my
car was gone. Boy was I mad, lol. My son had run the gas out but at
least it was all in one piece and my friend brought it to me and I
went to school and tried to fake normal, that's like trying to
pretend that you are not on fire. Who is this child and where is my
real son? How do I get him back? Why won't the system stop screwing
around and help us? Now what do I do?



Unfortunately, my opinion is that foster care will be of no benefit to your
son. You say he has a counselor, what are they doing? Seriously, if things
are perpetuation, the counselor sounds like he/she is not doing his/her job.
All I can say regarding some of your son's behavior is this: What
consequences have occurred? From what I am reading, you are very good at
telling your son how angry or upset or disappointed you are. That is not
enough in many cases. He destroyed your computer, you tell him you are
hurt. What else did you do? Did you remove HIS computer which, he pointed
out, YOU paid for; so in essence it is yours? Have there been priveleges
removed for misbehavior? He did not get this way overnight, nor did he
become this way just from seeing you abused. You set limits, but it sounds
like you didn't enforce them. It also sounds to me like your son might want
a little more firmness. He can walk all over you, and he knows it. He may
have some of his own mental illness. As you said, many times it is
inherited, and he may have it. It didn't stop when you had your tubes tied,
because you already had your son. Keep pushing with counselors, and the
state, and whatever agencies are available. Keep trying to get him
evaluated. He may need anger management. To be honest, my mother would say
he needs a "swat on his backside." I do not have any advice to offer, other
than what I see, which doesn't really help now. Keep working on it. You
have done your best, but one thing you must do, for yourself, is really look
at things, so you can find where your responsibility lies. Blaming
everything, or most everything on a cycle of abuse is not the answer. You
had some (a LOT) input into your son's behavior. Even a few years away from
abusive relationships can be enough to turn opinions around. You may still
be able to do this, but you have to get strong in yourself. Until you do
that, anyone and everyone will be able to "make you feel down." Tell
yourself you are a good person, you deserve respect. Keep doing that every
day, several times a day if needed. Once YOU believe that, you can instill
that into others. Follow through with things as well. It sounds to me like
you gave your son a lot, but didn't expect much in return. My son has a
computer of his own, same speed and "goodies" as mine. But he can not
access it. It is a privelege, not a right. It is MINE, not his. He has
use of it for school work, and games when chores are completed. My mother
tells me I am too hard on him. I don't believe so. Get strong in you, so
you can be strong with others. That is the hardest thing to do, but so
worth it. Good luck to you and your son.

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.


  #3  
Old July 17th 03, 02:06 PM
Tiffany
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Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


wrote in message news:[email protected]
This is so painful and I am so ashamed and hurt it is difficult to talk



Snipped

Continue trying like hell to get help for him. Foster care may not be the
best choice long run but at this point, it might be best temporarily. You
might want to tape some conversations where your son does become abusive as
proof. With your disorder and now him already saying you tried to kill him,
they are going to side with him. If things are getting so bad and you think
it might be hard to not abuse him, throw him out of the house. Lock the
doors, hide the car, get a friend to hang out with you, preferably a large
male friend. I am sure you want to help him but I doubt you can. You are his
mom and somewhere along the line he has lost total respect for you. Always
let him know you love him but you can't help him. This most be the hardest
thing for a mother. Have you tried standing up to him, not backing down? His
freaking out about soda? He would have been wearing that soda plus some.
Stand strong, you ARE the boss, not him. No matter how many wrongs you think
you have done to him there are probably million rights. If you show weakness
at this point, his abuse will become much worse. You need to get him away
from you.




  #4  
Old July 17th 03, 05:52 PM
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

Betsy wrote:
In news:[email protected],


Unfortunately, my opinion is that foster care will be of no benefit
to your son. You say he has a counselor, what are they doing?


We go to the county mental health facility for that and they are not very
helpful. My "case worker" rarely returns my calls and loses things like
faxes and signed releases and other important paper work and fails to call
me back to schedule appointments, especially now when I need him most. My
sons counselor has not returned my calls all week. I get medication
management that is very good, however. My psychiatrist believes in me and
has been my hero more than once and treats me like a peer.

Seriously, if things are perpetuation, the counselor sounds like
he/she is not doing his/her job.


That is because she is there more to be a sounding board for my poor, victim
son who has had it so hard living with a mentally ill mother and all
mentally ill people are violent, right?

All I can say regarding some of your
son's behavior is this: What consequences have occurred?


I never learned this as a child or as an adult. I think I hate to punish my
kid because we have been already "punished" so much just for existing, from
my point of view. Society takes a punitive attitude toward mothers on
welfare and we were on welfare a lot and homeless a lot until I got the help
that I needed to think clearly and use the intelligence and creativity that
goes along with this bipolar brain.

From what
I am reading, you are very good at telling your son how angry or
upset or disappointed you are. That is not enough in many cases. He
destroyed your computer, you tell him you are hurt. What else did
you do? Did you remove HIS computer which, he pointed out, YOU paid
for; so in essence it is yours?


For the first time in his life, yes I did. I combined parts from his and
parts from mine and built a new one for myself. If he wants a computer for
himself he will have to go get a job. Thing is, he has the skills to get a
really good job too, if we lived in a better town.

Have there been priveleges removed
for misbehavior? He did not get this way overnight, nor did he
become this way just from seeing you abused. You set limits, but it
sounds like you didn't enforce them. It also sounds to me like your
son might want a little more firmness. He can walk all over you, and
he knows it.


This is part of the result of living with mood swings, dissociation, the fog
of anti-depressants and the "shock" of post-traumatic stress disorder. And
it is the result of simply not knowing how to set limits and normal
consequences when all you've ever lived in is a war zone. I've read books
about how to do it and even went to Parents Anonymous when he was little but
I've never seen it role modeled. I always fantasized about some church
family taking me in and teaching me how to parent but it never happened. I
also fantasized about marrying a wonderful, normal man who would be a good
husband to me and love me and be a good father to my son like happened for
so many of my other friends but that didn't happen either.

He may have some of his own mental illness. As you
said, many times it is inherited, and he may have it.


He doesn't have bipolar disorder. He may be exhibiting symptoms related to
his use of marijuana though, I don't know, I don't use drugs. For me, drugs
would be redundant.

It didn't stop
when you had your tubes tied, because you already had your son.


Yes, it did.

Keep
pushing with counselors, and the state, and whatever agencies are
available. Keep trying to get him evaluated. He may need anger
management. To be honest, my mother would say he needs a "swat on
his backside."


At this point they are reacting as if I am the one with the problem. I am
angry at the police for believing a lying teenager over two adult women at
that house who told them that I would never try to kill my son. Then the
police came back the next day to "warn" my son that "they" let me out and
they didn't know why and if I came back and tried to harm him to call 911 to
which my ADULT friend replied that my son was the one who hurt me but the
police ignored her. And I am angry at the child services agency for
ignoring my pleas for help all week and for then assigning me to a case
worker who is on vacation in New York until July 21!!! It's a good thing my
meds work because the system does not. I will persist, my son is worth it.

I do not have any advice to offer, other than what I
see, which doesn't really help now. Keep working on it. You have
done your best, but one thing you must do, for yourself, is really
look at things, so you can find where your responsibility lies.


I tried to do that, even if I was sarcastic.

Blaming everything, or most everything on a cycle of abuse is not the
answer. You had some (a LOT) input into your son's behavior. Even a
few years away from abusive relationships can be enough to turn
opinions around.


What part of SEVEN years of abstinence did you not hear me say? Then I
started dating again and the guy I really liked turned out to be very bad
news. So I gave up, obviously I'm not ready and I'm in therapy at the YWCA.

You may still be able to do this, but you have to
get strong in yourself. Until you do that, anyone and everyone will
be able to "make you feel down." Tell yourself you are a good
person, you deserve respect. Keep doing that every day, several
times a day if needed.


This is actually painful for me to do. I wrote a song about it. "I am ice
and your sunlight is breaking me..."

Could be worse. Johnny Cash's new song (he didn't write it) goes, "I hurt
myself today, to see if I still feel..." at least I don't do that!

Once YOU believe that, you can instill that
into others. Follow through with things as well. It sounds to me
like you gave your son a lot, but didn't expect much in return.


As he became a man I began to treat him like a man, with fear. I saw this
coming years ago and actually my aunt did try to help by taking him in to
her house at the time but her extreme religious views were a huge problem
and she treats men like they are gods. I remember saying something like
maybe I should have moved in with her and had somebody doing my laundry and
cooking me pork chops! But of course that would not have happened, I am
just a girl in her eyes and would have been put to work regardless of my
back injury or mood disorder. Needless to say he missed his freedom and it
was too crowded there and he didn't like how she kept letting her adult sons
use his personal stuff without his permission (her children didn't turn out
so good and she won't listen to me or help me. So it built up to this
point.

My
son has a computer of his own, same speed and "goodies" as mine. But
he can not access it. It is a privelege, not a right. It is MINE,
not his. He has use of it for school work, and games when chores are
completed. My mother tells me I am too hard on him. I don't believe
so.


Well, yeah, but for us the computer is a much larger part of our lives as we
are computer technicians. I wanted him to have skills he could always get
work with and you get those skills with hands on experience. Also,
computers as a hobby is something that he would have in common with middle
class kids besides pot.

Get strong in you, so you can be strong with others. That is
the hardest thing to do, but so worth it. Good luck to you and your
son.

Betsy


thank you.




  #5  
Old July 17th 03, 06:02 PM
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

Tiffany wrote:

Continue trying like hell to get help for him. Foster care may not be
the best choice long run but at this point, it might be best
temporarily.


That is my hope.

You might want to tape some conversations where your son
does become abusive as proof.


Very good idea.

With your disorder and now him already
saying you tried to kill him, they are going to side with him.


That about sums it up.

If
things are getting so bad and you think it might be hard to not abuse
him, throw him out of the house. Lock the doors, hide the car, get a
friend to hang out with you, preferably a large male friend.


I have no such friend it turns out. and my dog is a wimpy little cocker
spaniel, lol.

I am
sure you want to help him but I doubt you can. You are his mom and
somewhere along the line he has lost total respect for you.


Which is very sad but also about sums it up.

Always
let him know you love him but you can't help him. This most be the
hardest thing for a mother. Have you tried standing up to him, not
backing down?


Yeah, then he got revenge the next day by destroying the thing most precious
to me.

His freaking out about soda? He would have been wearing
that soda plus some.


And if you were a mental patient you would be in the psych unit for being
violent to a minor. Especially if you did it in public, like right there at
the gas station. Even though the little **** deserved it. Even though the
police routinely behave much more violently, to mental patients.

Stand strong, you ARE the boss, not him. No
matter how many wrongs you think you have done to him there are
probably million rights. If you show weakness at this point, his
abuse will become much worse. You need to get him away from you.


I know that I need to get him away from me. He is routinely triggering my
PTSD. Much of what he is doing is just being a teenager but he has gone way
past that point now. I see the child services lady today to beg her to put
him in foster care.

thank you.


  #6  
Old July 17th 03, 07:08 PM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


wrote in message news:[email protected]
Tiffany wrote:

Continue trying like hell to get help for him. Foster care may not be
the best choice long run but at this point, it might be best
temporarily.


That is my hope.

You might want to tape some conversations where your son
does become abusive as proof.


Very good idea.

With your disorder and now him already
saying you tried to kill him, they are going to side with him.


That about sums it up.

If
things are getting so bad and you think it might be hard to not abuse
him, throw him out of the house. Lock the doors, hide the car, get a
friend to hang out with you, preferably a large male friend.


I have no such friend it turns out. and my dog is a wimpy little cocker
spaniel, lol.


Oh you have one of those dogs that get all excited and pees all over!

I am
sure you want to help him but I doubt you can. You are his mom and
somewhere along the line he has lost total respect for you.


Which is very sad but also about sums it up.


It is sad. There are no males role models for him to talk to? How about
something like that army guy that yells at the kids on tv talk shows???

Always
let him know you love him but you can't help him. This most be the
hardest thing for a mother. Have you tried standing up to him, not
backing down?


Yeah, then he got revenge the next day by destroying the thing most

precious
to me.


Thats ok..... now he has no PC..... he will learn to think before he reacts.
Stay strong. All fails and he does something to your pc again, you can
always get online to check emails and stuff at the library.

His freaking out about soda? He would have been wearing
that soda plus some.


And if you were a mental patient you would be in the psych unit for being
violent to a minor. Especially if you did it in public, like right there

at
the gas station. Even though the little **** deserved it. Even though

the
police routinely behave much more violently, to mental patients.


lol... i know. mental patient or not, someone would have something to say
seeing a mom tdump a soda on a kid.

Stand strong, you ARE the boss, not him. No
matter how many wrongs you think you have done to him there are
probably million rights. If you show weakness at this point, his
abuse will become much worse. You need to get him away from you.


I know that I need to get him away from me. He is routinely triggering my
PTSD. Much of what he is doing is just being a teenager but he has gone

way
past that point now. I see the child services lady today to beg her to

put
him in foster care.

thank you.



no thanks is necessary.


  #8  
Old July 17th 03, 10:53 PM
CME
external usenet poster
 
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Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


wrote in message news:[email protected]
This is so painful and I am so ashamed and hurt it is difficult to talk
about it but you are my family of choice and have been with me through

thick
and thin for over four years now and I love you all and need you now more
than ever as my "real" family is very unhealthy for me and my son and not
there for us anyway and have caused part of the problem. I'm going to

tell
the whole story so you get the whole picture so as best to understand the
situation so that perhaps you will understand how my son and I got to the
crisis point we are at and hopefully avoid judging and condemning me,

please
don't do that right now.

I grew up with a mother who was emotionally vacant and neglectful to the
point that I nearly died as a child of dehydration and abused my whole

life
by my father and his crazy family. I also inherited the genetic mental
illness but I also inherited the high intelligence and creativity on my
mother's side, but alas, not the money ;-) (It is my life's dream to

study
the genetics of psychiatric illnesses and I am in school now pursuing

that.)

But, and this is a huge one. There is something else that has been passed
on. My son watched me be abused by men when he was very young. I don't
remember a lot of my childhood so it's hard for me to relate to what all

he
can remember of his but somehow over the last two years my precious little
boy has become very abusive to me emotionally and verbally and it has
reached a crisis point to where he can not live with me. He is 16.

I haven't been able to control him since he got bigger than me two years
ago. He stopped going to school regularly, even though he is very
intelligent and I taught him everything I know about computers and have
given him everything I possibly can. He says he will go back next year and
finish high school and I hope he does but he has a lot of pressure from

the
underachievers we live around who do not have his intelligence or skills.

I
know I haven't been able to show love for him like "normal" but I have

loved
him better than I was loved and I have not physically abused him, that I

am
proud of, especially for having bipolar disorder. I have done my best to
take care of my mental health ever since I recognized that there was
something wrong with me, looking for the right pills, since I was 18 and

old
enough to have my own insurance since my mother believes I am demon
possessed and just need to go back to church. Just last year I finally

got
the right anti-depressant and am finally awake! All the others made me
tired and fat. I could go on for paragraphs about side effects... But
mainly being asleep is the one that affected my poor child the worst, I

know
what it feels like to be ignored, that hurts worst than any beating, in my
opinion.

Psychic scars hurt and I can see that I have hell to pay for what my

mental
illness and the abuse that has been heaped on me in the past has done to

my
little boy who stands before me an angry young man. The thing is, I am
tired and small and hurt and out of everyone, I am the only one who stood

by
him all these years, why does he hate me so much that he wants to punish

me
so badly? Everyday he calls me names and I tell him not to talk to me

like
that but he goes on like I didn't say anything, he drives my car without a
license, he smokes pot and cigarettes and drinks and tells me the child
support that I get, that I finally get after all these years, is free

money,
that I don't earn it, that I don't do anything because keeping a roof

over
his head, the lights on, food in the fridge and on the table and tv in his
room and internet on his computer and gas in the car isn't work, and

fixing
computers isn't anything, even he can do that. I used to have such
confidence and sometimes I still do but then I come home. My college
education means nothing to him even though he was THERE. I took him to

the
University of Wisconsin with me when he was five, he went to daycare and
then kindergarten right there on campus, he got a wonderful, radical
education. I've tried so hard to expose him to literature and art and
politics and music and gave him all these computer skills that he is so
proud of. He has new clothes, I don't. His computer runs 5 times faster
than mine and has all the new stuff. I knew when I had him that I didn't
have what it takes to be a mother, much less a young, single mother and I
wanted to give him up for adoption but my mother and my aunt (the god

squad)
ripped up the papers "you're not giving away our grand baby" but after he
was born it was all "you made your bed, you lie in it" "we raised ours
alone, you can do it too." "you broke God's law (fornication), all these
things that you are suffering, this is your punishment." That last one,

my
mom said that to me again just last month. She wasn't being cruel, she
really believes that. And unfortunately, apparently so do I. It is not
helpful. I didn't know that I had a mental illness until after he was

born.
I didn't know that it was genetic until a few years ago and when I found
that out I had my tubes tied, it stops with me.

I don't bother telling my mother any of this for obvious reasons or my

aunt
as they both are already old and overwhelmed with ill health and caring

for
other family members who are having health problems. I have no other
family. His father lives far away and resents his existence and burden of
child support and has his "own" family to support so I don't think he will
take him in or be a good role model either. I have been calling the foster
care people for two weeks and they have been giving me the run around

while
my son gets more and more aggressive and I get more and more frustrated.
Friday I called 911 and said come get him before I hurt him but they said

I
was stuck with him until he is 18 and put me through to some intake worker
who said she would mail me an appointment. I said we did not have time to
wait for the mail and she hung up on me. I started calling numbers at
random that were similar to hers and got a case worker who put me through

to
her supervisor but it was voice mail so I left a message. Sunday I got

gas
and my son insisted on driving and I was too tired and defeated to argue
even though he doesn't have a license and puts up a fight every time I try
to get him to get a permit, anyway we get to the store with the last of

our
money and he wants pop but we only have enough for the gas and a 99 cent
mocha each. But I break down and get him the damn pop. (This is a side

of
me none of you have seen before isn't it.) Anyway, I come out of the

store
and he yells across the lot, "That's not the kind of pop I want you dumb
crack!" I stare at him in shock. How did it get this bad? How is it that

I
haven't had a man in my life for 7 years since the last guy broke my back
and I decided to focus on my son and yet he still turned into one of

"them"?
(Now someone will say "she has an us and them mentality, it's her fault.
burn the witch. I have a them and them mentality. men who abuse and men

who
do not feel the need to offend. but burn away, i'm on fire anyway) How did

I
screw this up, the only thing that really matters? And who is going to

save
my soul?

I point out that this is the same pop I got last week that he complained
that I didn't get enough of back when we had money. This is all so
familiar. I have made these same apologetic rationalizations to numerous
abusive men in the past before and it is pointless. It has to stop. It

has
to stop with me. I get up and take the pop back into the store for a
refund. The lady looks at me like I am crazy (!) but gives me my dollar
fifty back and for the reason why I write down 'ungrateful kid' and she
laughs with me. My son is irate and I hear about it all the way home how
crazy I am while I tell him how he just isn't used to me standing up for
myself and holding him accountable but I plan to do it more often. I will
pay, I will pay big for this, but I have no idea yet. His friend comes

over
needing his computer fixed. Word travels fast when you fix computers for
free. He asks if he can use my computer to format his friends hard drive.
Hell no! That is taking a big risk that you will accidentally lose the

data
on your hard drive, take that risk on your own computer or, better yet,

take
that risk on your friend's computer. Here, take my windows '98 cd... and

I
advise him how to do it. I work on my webpage a little and post some of

my
poems and my newest song. I am taking physics and have a lot of studying

to
do, I love going to college, I am good at it. My computer is my life. I
have been a computer technician since 1996, it is my link to this news

group
and my email which is an important social need and to the Internet where I
am constantly keeping my overactive brain busy doing research learning and
helping people with my knowledge and all my poems and songs and webpage

and
2 years worth of data are on my 30 gigabyte hard drive.

Monday I came home from school and turned on my computer and nothing
happened... it wouldn't boot. It was as if my son had killed my dog. For
you guys out there, imagine you had a prized Porsche that you cherished

and
showed off and took care of every day and your son got mad at you, had

been
mad at you for a lot of things that you just didn't know how to fix and

you
came home one day and your son asked if he could drive it and you said no
and you came home and your Porsche was sitting in your drive way all

crashed
up, how angry would you be? I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I got
in my car and drove to his friend's house and he got in and I took him to
the woods near there and told him how he hurt me and he had no right, he

had
crossed the last boundary, he no longer lived at my house and that when he
went and told everyone how crazy I was to be sure and tell them what he

had
done. I did not hit him or touch him at all, he was not scared of me in

any
way, (he is a foot taller than me and much faster and I can't run, I have
two compressed disks in my lower back) he was annoyed. I said I was going
to smash up his computer but he pointed out that his is worth way more

than
mine and I'd just have to pay for it so what's the sense in that. He

walked
back to the car before I did and tried to use his keys to get in but I got
in and went home and sat down and called 911 again. They put me through

to
crisis and I told them again how much worse things had gotten and to

please
find some place for my son to live because he could not live with me, he

was
hurting me and I was having a hard time holding it together and I did not
want it to escalate either way. Do something! I have a counselor, he has

a
counselor, it's going to take more than that. His constant abuse is
aggravating my PTSD and I don't want to be abusive to him. I've been
accused of having a victim mentality on here before, I think maybe that is
what has contributed to how he has learned to treat me so please don't

beat
me up about that, certainly that will make things worse. So, the police
came to my house. I was surprised to see them as I thought I had handled

it
pretty well, having gotten my point across without resorting to violence

but
what I didn't know is that my son had told them that I tried to kill him.
He said this in front of my only friend, who knows me really well, but

they
did not listen to her even though she is an adult, they listened to him,
presumably because although he is a minor he looks like a man. So now

those
who have a history of picking on me for "having issues with men" can start
blaming this on me for that. Or maybe it's all Eve's fault, but I already
apologized for that at gunpoint when I was married to my psycho ex-husband
in front of my son when he was three, he remembers that better than I do,
I've gotten really good at dissociating (leaving your body when your body
and spirit find it necessary to take a break from each other for awhile).
And before you blame me for getting involved with abusive men, they are

not
abusive at first, it is like a spider's web. Very beautiful and intricate
and silky soft and smooth but damned difficult to get out of and the

harder
you try to get out of it the more stuck you are. Precious few escape.

And
I have worked very hard at escaping, I attract psychos, they like my fiery
personality and my lovingness combination and I never know they are a

psycho
until it's too late. I did abstain for all those years but I guess that

was
too late. Well, this is the biggest pity party I've had in a long time.
Probably because I haven't had this much pain come to the surface in

years.

So, the police, once again, reinforced my fear and loathing of them

although
they were pretty kind and respectful when they went about it by NOT

helping
me. I have learned repeatedly that the police do not help women who are
being abused by men, they only know how to punish and they are good at

that
and they tend to identify with the man. I have heard contrary from

others,
but this has been my experience time and time and time again regardless of
my behavior or attitude or what part of the country I am in. Because my

son
lied to the police about how I reacted to him destroying my computer they
took me to involuntary psych unit. It has been a long time since I have
been treated with such indignity and it really brought out the abused

child
in me to be abandoned and ignored which about sums up what it's like to be
locked up in the emergency room. It is completely useless as a health

care
tool. You get no sleep, you get NO medication, they make you take off all
your clothes and wear a napkin (you might make a slingshot out of your
brassiere or something), and when you ask for help no one will listen to
you, because you are a mental patient. It brings back some very bad
memories. I had two angels. I am hypoglycemic and nearly fainted on my

way
back from the bathroom because they also do not feed you on the psych ward
in the middle of the night and I also needed my pain meds but fat chance I
was even going to bother asking for that, much less my mental health meds,
ironic though that may be. But for some reason I have the survival skill

of
tenacity, I asked every single nurse that walked by until one listened to

me
and she got me some 7UP. She also picked up the bloody gauze that was on
the floor next to my bed that was there when I got there that I pointed

out
was a hospital liability but none of the other nurses would listen to me
about it. (good thing I'm not THAT kind of crazy, sheesh, what if it had
AIDS on it or something?) The other one was the security guard watching

me.
Being ignored really gets to me and I almost lost it and he came over and
said you brought that book with you (a physics book) he said he had no

idea
what it was about but that if I filled my head with the book there would

be
no room for my mother, my mother was NOT there. And then he proceeded to
watch over me, in a good way. I even fell asleep for awhile, in peace.

They released me to the care of my counselor's office where, thankfully,
they know me very well and they know I am not a violent psycho like my son
and the police were making me out to be and they made arrangements to
contact foster care on my behalf and let me go so I could get to class. A
taxi took me home and when I got there my car was gone. Boy was I mad,

lol.
My son had run the gas out but at least it was all in one piece and my
friend brought it to me and I went to school and tried to fake normal,
that's like trying to pretend that you are not on fire. Who is this child
and where is my real son? How do I get him back? Why won't the system

stop
screwing around and help us? Now what do I do?



If it was me, and of course this is the only way I can give you advice on
this issue... and I DO know where you're coming from, in many ways. But if
it was me, I'd try the Tough Love strategy. If he STEALS your car, you call
the Police. If he disrespects you and your rules, kick him out. I remember
what it was like to be 16 and your son is displaying similar behaviours. My
parents gave me a choice. Either go to school (I dropped out in Gr.11), get
a job, or get out. Of course, being the stubborn fool-headed girl I was, I
got out. I packed some bags and went to stay with friends. It was the best
thing my parents EVER did for me. ****ing wake-up call, let me tell you.
Of course I got into some trouble, I even moved to a different city for
awhile... but you know what? I came back, and not only have I grown up, I
understand my parents and I would have done the same thing! And I will if my
sons ever pull the **** that *I* did. You are NOT doing him any favours by
catering to him. When he leaves your home as an adult, he won't have anyone
to cater to him, and he'll grow up thinking the world owes him a favour.
Lorian, please, please stand up for yourself. Do not let him disrespect you
like that, YOU deserve better. Period.

Christine


  #9  
Old July 18th 03, 09:55 AM
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

turtledove wrote:
snipped

First, I adore you. You are a courageous woman. I've always felt
that way, even if our differences in opinions sometimes got in the
way. Know that. Remember what a strong woman you ARE. Let that wash
over you and bring you even more strength. Really feel it. You ARE
a strong woman!!!

I think you need to have your psychiatrist write you a letter that
you can keep in your purse stating your mental abilities and stating
that this is your son's problem and not yours.

Also, have you thought about emancipating him? That way he is out of
the house and isn't a danger to you and yours.

About his computer...take it away. Even if this means no computer in
the house. It's YOUR property, not his. He didn't pay for it.

You are doing the best you can with what you have. There is NOTHING
to feel guilty about. You are only doing what YOU can do. That is
the only thing we can do.

I don't know how much help any of this is. You have my friendship
sweetheart. And you know my email addy if you want to talk off list.

all my love,
*brianne


Thank you. I am going to print this out and sleep (yeah, right, sleep.)
with it next to my pillow. I wish words of love did not hurt me but they
do. I read this and sobbed. I am so weird.

(I am ice and your sunlight is breaking me... "Eclipse" by me
http://home.comcast.net/~lorian.gray/songs.html)




  #10  
Old July 18th 03, 10:15 AM
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

Tiffany wrote:

Oh you have one of those dogs that get all excited and pees all over!


LOL. I am so lucky with this dog. Not only does she not pee all over, Lady
is a little tiny blonde cocker spaniel that was the runt of two other runts
so she is very small. And then we inherited this little chihuahua that
didn't like me, she was my son's dog but it looks like she's mine now too.
Sasha has been actually reaching for me and smiling up at me so I like her
better too. And I speak spanish, LOL. you quiero Taco Bell.... because it
tastes like dog food, he he. just kidding.

It is sad. There are no males role models for him to talk to? How

about something like that army guy that yells at the kids on tv talk
shows???


I don't know, I don't watch tv. We have digital cable and I don't know how
to turn on the tv. I feel like Ozzy Osborne, I stand there with the digital
remote and point it and click click click but nothing happens so I yell for
Sharon but alas, she does not come running to make everything all right.
Besides, I called and canceled the cable tv since my son doesn't live here
anymore.

The good men I have known like the one that I met at college but then had to
give up because I got pregnant and decided to keep my baby, well he has
remained a faithful friend all these years via mail and email and he has
gone on to become a computer software expert and sold his computer company
to Microsoft for $20 million and works directly for Bill Gates as a
technical advisor (when I screw up, I screw up royal) always remain role
models from a distance (that is what normal people do, they stay clear the
hell away from uh, unhealthy people.) He has a lovely wife and three
children and had a great conversation with my son recently where my son
discovered that he actually knew a lot more about computer hardware than my
millionaire software genius friend does and that boosted his self esteem and
gave him a desire to move to Seattle and pursue a future in computer
hardware there. I hope my son waits to finish high school to do that
though. The only other man that comes close to normal is my brother but I
forget I even have a brother because I never see him even though he lives
right here in town. I don't blame him, he escaped the crazy family and made
a life for himself and his wife and child, I try to leave him be. That's
it. I have friends at the bar I go to on Saturday nights but I don't
associate with them outside the bar at all. I have been abused all my life,
I don't take risks like letting people into my life or my home. And
obviously even after seven years of abstinence, despite my best bravado and
attempts at choosiness the guy I attracted turned out to be soo loving and
wonderful but is in fact a big time psycho, at least he has a history of
being violent to other people, I've been told by more than one source. At
least I've kept this guy away from my son and away from me as best I can but
geez. So no wonder my son is finding it hard to become a good man. They
only exist on tv.

Thats ok..... now he has no PC..... he will learn to think before he
reacts. Stay strong. All fails and he does something to your pc
again, you can always get online to check emails and stuff at the
library.


I can't live without a PC anymore than others can live without a car for
very long. And I can build one for next to nothing in about ten minutes.
But yeah, I hope my son is learning to think before he reacts and not just
getting madder and madder at me over there.




 




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