Wedding etiquette?

I'm a bit stuck on this one, and I'm wondering if anyone has some words of
advice.
We have a wedding to attend at the end of August. It's for one of my
childhood friends that lived down the block from me growing up. We were the
best of friends from when her family moved into the neighbourhood when we
were about 7-8 until her family bought a new house across the city when we
were about 14 or so. When they moved, we still kept in touch. We'd talk on
the phone often, we'd even go visit eachother every now and then, although
not as often.
We kind of lost touch after a little while, but every now and then, one of
us would call the other or something. Now it's been about 10 years since
her family moved out of the neighbourhood, and we've talked maybe only a
handful of times over the last 5 or so times. We've recently got in touch
again (found eachother online) and she has invited me to her upcoming
wedding in August. That's not the issue - I've already decided I'd love to
attend. There was no hesitation with that.
I have a problem with what is basically acceptable for this wedding. The
invitation says nothing about children being welcome or not, so I assume
this is like almost every other wedding where normally children aren't
expected. I've already talked to my mom - she will babysit the kids on the
wedding day. I'm wondering now about DD2. She'll be 10 months old for this
wedding. She is exclusively bf still, and due to her bottle refusal right
from the start and her also showing absolutely no interest in a cup (and I
can't pump this time around worth a darn!) I do not think it would be wise
to leave DD2 for this length of time with someone else to go to the wedding.
I do know things can change in 2 months, but I am just assuming they won't
really change, and I'm not about to start pushing a bottle, cup or anything
for the sake of someone's wedding.
I called yesterday to RSVP but got the answering machine so I just left a
basic message that I had called. Should I RSVP that we will be there, but
will also need to bring a breastfed baby? Is she too old to be trying to
pass off as a nursling?
I am assuming there will be at least one other baby there, but this, I
assume, would be her brother's and SIL's fairly newborn baby (they are due
any time now, maybe already have a newborn) and a 2ish month old baby is far
different from a 10 month old.
I really can't see making the wedding if I must leave DD2. I just don't see
it working. That would be probably at least 7 or 8 hours away from her, and
she couldn't go that long between a feeding during the day, and quite
frankly, I think I would explode (seeing as I have no pump, nor can I pump
anything anyways)
She also has a fairly large family (I think there's 8 or 9 children in total
in her family, with her being second oldest and the youngest being only
about 3) but I also know that immediate family is a far cry from a childhood
friend.
Any ideas? Should I RSVP yes, but we'll be bringing a nursling? Simply say
yes and leave it at that or decline? I feel I need to say either way (with
yes or no) that we have a breastfed baby if I am going to be there or if
this is the reason we will not be making it. I'm just not sure what is
normally acceptable as far as weddings go. Last wedding I attended last
year was for SIL, and that was the most pathetic excuse for a wedding (let's
just not go there) and then I had my cousin's wedding shortly after, which I
attended the church service with DD1 and DS (I was 7 mon pg with DD2) but we
skipped out on everything after the church part due to having the kids and
no sitter lined up.
We then had plans to attend friends of ours' wedding that was supposed to be
this August but has been postponed. These friends have kids the same age as
ours, and friends said we only needed a sitter for the stag/stagette. Their
kids were going to be at the wedding, so they said ours had to come as well.
I'm so stuck on this one, just as it seems that every wedding is different,
based on the preference.
Is there some sort of universal etiquette? Or how do I approach this?

On Jun 15, 8:25 am, "xkatx" wrote:
I'm a bit stuck on this one, and I'm wondering if anyone has some words of
advice.
We have a wedding to attend at the end of August. It's for one of my
childhood friends that lived down the block from me growing up. We were the
best of friends from when her family moved into the neighbourhood when we
were about 7-8 until her family bought a new house across the city when we
were about 14 or so. When they moved, we still kept in touch. We'd talk on
the phone often, we'd even go visit eachother every now and then, although
not as often.
We kind of lost touch after a little while, but every now and then, one of
us would call the other or something. Now it's been about 10 years since
her family moved out of the neighbourhood, and we've talked maybe only a
handful of times over the last 5 or so times. We've recently got in touch
again (found eachother online) and she has invited me to her upcoming
wedding in August. That's not the issue - I've already decided I'd love to
attend. There was no hesitation with that.
I have a problem with what is basically acceptable for this wedding. The
invitation says nothing about children being welcome or not, so I assume
this is like almost every other wedding where normally children aren't
expected. I've already talked to my mom - she will babysit the kids on the
wedding day. I'm wondering now about DD2. She'll be 10 months old for this
wedding. She is exclusively bf still, and due to her bottle refusal right
from the start and her also showing absolutely no interest in a cup (and I
can't pump this time around worth a darn!) I do not think it would be wise
to leave DD2 for this length of time with someone else to go to the wedding.
I do know things can change in 2 months, but I am just assuming they won't
really change, and I'm not about to start pushing a bottle, cup or anything
for the sake of someone's wedding.
I called yesterday to RSVP but got the answering machine so I just left a
basic message that I had called. Should I RSVP that we will be there, but
will also need to bring a breastfed baby? Is she too old to be trying to
pass off as a nursling?
I am assuming there will be at least one other baby there, but this, I
assume, would be her brother's and SIL's fairly newborn baby (they are due
any time now, maybe already have a newborn) and a 2ish month old baby is far
different from a 10 month old.
I really can't see making the wedding if I must leave DD2. I just don't see
it working. That would be probably at least 7 or 8 hours away from her, and
she couldn't go that long between a feeding during the day, and quite
frankly, I think I would explode (seeing as I have no pump, nor can I pump
anything anyways)
She also has a fairly large family (I think there's 8 or 9 children in total
in her family, with her being second oldest and the youngest being only
about 3) but I also know that immediate family is a far cry from a childhood
friend.
Any ideas? Should I RSVP yes, but we'll be bringing a nursling? Simply say
yes and leave it at that or decline? I feel I need to say either way (with
yes or no) that we have a breastfed baby if I am going to be there or if
this is the reason we will not be making it. I'm just not sure what is
normally acceptable as far as weddings go. Last wedding I attended last
year was for SIL, and that was the most pathetic excuse for a wedding (let's
just not go there) and then I had my cousin's wedding shortly after, which I
attended the church service with DD1 and DS (I was 7 mon pg with DD2) but we
skipped out on everything after the church part due to having the kids and
no sitter lined up.
We then had plans to attend friends of ours' wedding that was supposed to be
this August but has been postponed. These friends have kids the same age as
ours, and friends said we only needed a sitter for the stag/stagette. Their
kids were going to be at the wedding, so they said ours had to come as well.
I'm so stuck on this one, just as it seems that every wedding is different,
based on the preference.
Is there some sort of universal etiquette? Or how do I approach this?

Heh - I don't think there is much to be considered universal etiquette
anymore, since so many people either don't know it, ignore it, or
flout it.

In your case - yeah, technically your dd wasn't invited, but I think
you have a very good reason to try and ask if she can go. I think you
are right to try and actually talk to her instead of emailing or
leaving a message. So, I'd explain the situation (not too much
detail) and see how she reacts. And remember that she is under huge
amounts of stress most likely, so be gentle with her!

Irene

On Jun 15, 9:25?am, "xkatx" wrote:
I'm a bit stuck on this one, and I'm wondering if anyone has some words of
advice.
We have a wedding to attend at the end of August. It's for one of my
childhood friends that lived down the block from me growing up. We were the
best of friends from when her family moved into the neighbourhood when we
were about 7-8 until her family bought a new house across the city when we
were about 14 or so. When they moved, we still kept in touch. We'd talk on
the phone often, we'd even go visit eachother every now and then, although
not as often.
We kind of lost touch after a little while, but every now and then, one of
us would call the other or something. Now it's been about 10 years since
her family moved out of the neighbourhood, and we've talked maybe only a
handful of times over the last 5 or so times. We've recently got in touch
again (found eachother online) and she has invited me to her upcoming
wedding in August. That's not the issue - I've already decided I'd love to
attend. There was no hesitation with that.
I have a problem with what is basically acceptable for this wedding. The
invitation says nothing about children being welcome or not, so I assume
this is like almost every other wedding where normally children aren't
expected. I've already talked to my mom - she will babysit the kids on the
wedding day. I'm wondering now about DD2. She'll be 10 months old for this
wedding. She is exclusively bf still, and due to her bottle refusal right
from the start and her also showing absolutely no interest in a cup (and I
can't pump this time around worth a darn!) I do not think it would be wise
to leave DD2 for this length of time with someone else to go to the wedding.
I do know things can change in 2 months, but I am just assuming they won't
really change, and I'm not about to start pushing a bottle, cup or anything
for the sake of someone's wedding.
I called yesterday to RSVP but got the answering machine so I just left a
basic message that I had called. Should I RSVP that we will be there, but
will also need to bring a breastfed baby? Is she too old to be trying to
pass off as a nursling?
I am assuming there will be at least one other baby there, but this, I
assume, would be her brother's and SIL's fairly newborn baby (they are due
any time now, maybe already have a newborn) and a 2ish month old baby is far
different from a 10 month old.
I really can't see making the wedding if I must leave DD2. I just don't see
it working. That would be probably at least 7 or 8 hours away from her, and
she couldn't go that long between a feeding during the day, and quite
frankly, I think I would explode (seeing as I have no pump, nor can I pump
anything anyways)
She also has a fairly large family (I think there's 8 or 9 children in total
in her family, with her being second oldest and the youngest being only
about 3) but I also know that immediate family is a far cry from a childhood
friend.
Any ideas? Should I RSVP yes, but we'll be bringing a nursling? Simply say
yes and leave it at that or decline? I feel I need to say either way (with
yes or no) that we have a breastfed baby if I am going to be there or if
this is the reason we will not be making it. I'm just not sure what is
normally acceptable as far as weddings go. Last wedding I attended last
year was for SIL, and that was the most pathetic excuse for a wedding (let's
just not go there) and then I had my cousin's wedding shortly after, which I
attended the church service with DD1 and DS (I was 7 mon pg with DD2) but we
skipped out on everything after the church part due to having the kids and
no sitter lined up.
We then had plans to attend friends of ours' wedding that was supposed to be
this August but has been postponed. These friends have kids the same age as
ours, and friends said we only needed a sitter for the stag/stagette. Their
kids were going to be at the wedding, so they said ours had to come as well.
I'm so stuck on this one, just as it seems that every wedding is different,
based on the preference.
Is there some sort of universal etiquette? Or how do I approach this?

Based on what I was taught, how the invitation was addressed could be
a key, but more importantly if someone specifically does not want
children to attend, THEY are supposed to put "adult-only reception" on
the invitation, as I did. It wasn't that I didn't WANT children to
attend, I couldn't afford the cost per plate for the gazillion of them
that would accompany their parents otherwise since I had to pay for my
own wedding. lol. Some people ignored it completely, one in particular
had six kids and responded with a note that read "Five of the kids can
share 2 plates and 1 can eat off of my plate." @@ Anyway, had there
been any breastfeeding infants in attendance that didn't require me
having to find a way to pay for feeding them, I wouldn't have blinked
an eye. Based on what you've shared here, I would think taking a 10-
month-old breastfeeding infant who may or may not snack off of your
plate would be acceptable and responding simply yes - count of 2 for
you and spouse. Keep in mind that someone on one of my other boards I
post on just had an experience with her own sister's wedding. Her
sister did not want her breastfeeding in front of everyone at her
wedding. It seems that there is at least one person who may get
offended at bf'ing in public, and really, the last thing I'd want is
to have someone tattling to the bride as if she really needed to deal
with that. Hopefully, the bride would tell 'em where to go,
BUT.....lol.

"Irene" wrote in message
oups.com...
On Jun 15, 8:25 am, "xkatx" wrote:
I'm a bit stuck on this one, and I'm wondering if anyone has some words
of
advice.
We have a wedding to attend at the end of August. It's for one of my
childhood friends that lived down the block from me growing up. We were
the
best of friends from when her family moved into the neighbourhood when we
were about 7-8 until her family bought a new house across the city when
we
were about 14 or so. When they moved, we still kept in touch. We'd talk
on
the phone often, we'd even go visit eachother every now and then,
although
not as often.
We kind of lost touch after a little while, but every now and then, one
of
us would call the other or something. Now it's been about 10 years since
her family moved out of the neighbourhood, and we've talked maybe only a
handful of times over the last 5 or so times. We've recently got in
touch
again (found eachother online) and she has invited me to her upcoming
wedding in August. That's not the issue - I've already decided I'd love
to
attend. There was no hesitation with that.
I have a problem with what is basically acceptable for this wedding. The
invitation says nothing about children being welcome or not, so I assume
this is like almost every other wedding where normally children aren't
expected. I've already talked to my mom - she will babysit the kids on
the
wedding day. I'm wondering now about DD2. She'll be 10 months old for
this
wedding. She is exclusively bf still, and due to her bottle refusal
right
from the start and her also showing absolutely no interest in a cup (and
I
can't pump this time around worth a darn!) I do not think it would be
wise
to leave DD2 for this length of time with someone else to go to the
wedding.
I do know things can change in 2 months, but I am just assuming they
won't
really change, and I'm not about to start pushing a bottle, cup or
anything
for the sake of someone's wedding.
I called yesterday to RSVP but got the answering machine so I just left a
basic message that I had called. Should I RSVP that we will be there,
but
will also need to bring a breastfed baby? Is she too old to be trying to
pass off as a nursling?
I am assuming there will be at least one other baby there, but this, I
assume, would be her brother's and SIL's fairly newborn baby (they are
due
any time now, maybe already have a newborn) and a 2ish month old baby is
far
different from a 10 month old.
I really can't see making the wedding if I must leave DD2. I just don't
see
it working. That would be probably at least 7 or 8 hours away from her,
and
she couldn't go that long between a feeding during the day, and quite
frankly, I think I would explode (seeing as I have no pump, nor can I
pump
anything anyways)
She also has a fairly large family (I think there's 8 or 9 children in
total
in her family, with her being second oldest and the youngest being only
about 3) but I also know that immediate family is a far cry from a
childhood
friend.
Any ideas? Should I RSVP yes, but we'll be bringing a nursling? Simply
say
yes and leave it at that or decline? I feel I need to say either way
(with
yes or no) that we have a breastfed baby if I am going to be there or if
this is the reason we will not be making it. I'm just not sure what is
normally acceptable as far as weddings go. Last wedding I attended last
year was for SIL, and that was the most pathetic excuse for a wedding
(let's
just not go there) and then I had my cousin's wedding shortly after,
which I
attended the church service with DD1 and DS (I was 7 mon pg with DD2) but
we
skipped out on everything after the church part due to having the kids
and
no sitter lined up.
We then had plans to attend friends of ours' wedding that was supposed to
be
this August but has been postponed. These friends have kids the same age
as
ours, and friends said we only needed a sitter for the stag/stagette.
Their
kids were going to be at the wedding, so they said ours had to come as
well.
I'm so stuck on this one, just as it seems that every wedding is
different,
based on the preference.
Is there some sort of universal etiquette? Or how do I approach this?

Heh - I don't think there is much to be considered universal etiquette
anymore, since so many people either don't know it, ignore it, or
flout it.

Yes, I've noticed this. That's the reason why something that should be so
simple always seems to be so hard!

In your case - yeah, technically your dd wasn't invited, but I think
you have a very good reason to try and ask if she can go. I think you
are right to try and actually talk to her instead of emailing or
leaving a message. So, I'd explain the situation (not too much
detail) and see how she reacts. And remember that she is under huge
amounts of stress most likely, so be gentle with her!

Irene

That's why I didn't leave a message of yes or no when I called. The message
was short and simple, "Hey, it's me, just thought I'd try calling. Give me
a call when you get a chance" and that was about it. Had she picked up the
phone, I don't know what I would say... -Yes, we'll be there, but we need to
bring DD2 along... -No, we can't make it because DD2 can't be left with a
sitter for so long... I think I just might say something like we'd love to
attend, but we have a breast fed baby that I can't leave with someone else
for very long and make sure I say that she doesn't eat anything (I can
easily bring along a jar of baby food if need be at 10 months) and I'm
certain she'll still be a "lap baby" and I can easily carry her on my back
or front with the sling/mei tai. She's always more than happy and content
as long as I am *right* there, it's when I'm not right there that she often
has a little freakout session lol

"Chris" wrote in message
ps.com...
On Jun 15, 9:25?am, "xkatx" wrote:
I'm a bit stuck on this one, and I'm wondering if anyone has some words
of
advice.
We have a wedding to attend at the end of August. It's for one of my
childhood friends that lived down the block from me growing up. We were
the
best of friends from when her family moved into the neighbourhood when we
were about 7-8 until her family bought a new house across the city when
we
were about 14 or so. When they moved, we still kept in touch. We'd talk
on
the phone often, we'd even go visit eachother every now and then,
although
not as often.
We kind of lost touch after a little while, but every now and then, one
of
us would call the other or something. Now it's been about 10 years since
her family moved out of the neighbourhood, and we've talked maybe only a
handful of times over the last 5 or so times. We've recently got in
touch
again (found eachother online) and she has invited me to her upcoming
wedding in August. That's not the issue - I've already decided I'd love
to
attend. There was no hesitation with that.
I have a problem with what is basically acceptable for this wedding. The
invitation says nothing about children being welcome or not, so I assume
this is like almost every other wedding where normally children aren't
expected. I've already talked to my mom - she will babysit the kids on
the
wedding day. I'm wondering now about DD2. She'll be 10 months old for
this
wedding. She is exclusively bf still, and due to her bottle refusal
right
from the start and her also showing absolutely no interest in a cup (and
I
can't pump this time around worth a darn!) I do not think it would be
wise
to leave DD2 for this length of time with someone else to go to the
wedding.
I do know things can change in 2 months, but I am just assuming they
won't
really change, and I'm not about to start pushing a bottle, cup or
anything
for the sake of someone's wedding.
I called yesterday to RSVP but got the answering machine so I just left a
basic message that I had called. Should I RSVP that we will be there,
but
will also need to bring a breastfed baby? Is she too old to be trying to
pass off as a nursling?
I am assuming there will be at least one other baby there, but this, I
assume, would be her brother's and SIL's fairly newborn baby (they are
due
any time now, maybe already have a newborn) and a 2ish month old baby is
far
different from a 10 month old.
I really can't see making the wedding if I must leave DD2. I just don't
see
it working. That would be probably at least 7 or 8 hours away from her,
and
she couldn't go that long between a feeding during the day, and quite
frankly, I think I would explode (seeing as I have no pump, nor can I
pump
anything anyways)
She also has a fairly large family (I think there's 8 or 9 children in
total
in her family, with her being second oldest and the youngest being only
about 3) but I also know that immediate family is a far cry from a
childhood
friend.
Any ideas? Should I RSVP yes, but we'll be bringing a nursling? Simply
say
yes and leave it at that or decline? I feel I need to say either way
(with
yes or no) that we have a breastfed baby if I am going to be there or if
this is the reason we will not be making it. I'm just not sure what is
normally acceptable as far as weddings go. Last wedding I attended last
year was for SIL, and that was the most pathetic excuse for a wedding
(let's
just not go there) and then I had my cousin's wedding shortly after,
which I
attended the church service with DD1 and DS (I was 7 mon pg with DD2) but
we
skipped out on everything after the church part due to having the kids
and
no sitter lined up.
We then had plans to attend friends of ours' wedding that was supposed to
be
this August but has been postponed. These friends have kids the same age
as
ours, and friends said we only needed a sitter for the stag/stagette.
Their
kids were going to be at the wedding, so they said ours had to come as
well.
I'm so stuck on this one, just as it seems that every wedding is
different,
based on the preference.
Is there some sort of universal etiquette? Or how do I approach this?

Based on what I was taught, how the invitation was addressed could be
a key, but more importantly if someone specifically does not want
children to attend, THEY are supposed to put "adult-only reception" on
the invitation, as I did. It wasn't that I didn't WANT children to
attend, I couldn't afford the cost per plate for the gazillion of them
that would accompany their parents otherwise since I had to pay for my
own wedding. lol. Some people ignored it completely, one in particular
had six kids and responded with a note that read "Five of the kids can
share 2 plates and 1 can eat off of my plate." @@ Anyway, had there
been any breastfeeding infants in attendance that didn't require me
having to find a way to pay for feeding them, I wouldn't have blinked
an eye. Based on what you've shared here, I would think taking a 10-
month-old breastfeeding infant who may or may not snack off of your
plate would be acceptable and responding simply yes - count of 2 for
you and spouse. Keep in mind that someone on one of my other boards I
post on just had an experience with her own sister's wedding. Her
sister did not want her breastfeeding in front of everyone at her
wedding. It seems that there is at least one person who may get
offended at bf'ing in public, and really, the last thing I'd want is
to have someone tattling to the bride as if she really needed to deal
with that. Hopefully, the bride would tell 'em where to go,
BUT.....lol.

She has a very, very large family, but also, I am not family. Knowing her
family, IIRC, all of the children (her and her siblings) were breast fed.
As far as food goes - problem solved by tossing a jar or two of baby food in
the diaper bag. As far as DD being hard to manage, I'm feeling it's safe to
assume she'll still be a lap baby and not walking around. I can easily
carry her in the wrap or something if need be, and this could also fix any
NIP issues that someone might have, if they have any issues. 99% of the
time already if DD2 is in the wrap for handsfree nursing, no one knows the
difference of if she's sleeping or whatever. I don't want to cause any
issues. It seems as I ask around, everyone seems to say about the same
thing - at this age, they will NOT be eating a plate of food, nor will a
baby eat much more than a piece here or there. I've asked around to quite a
few people, and everyone has said that if it was their wedding, 10 months
isn't too old to bring along - they're still fairly portable, they don't
really eat anything and as long as they're not screaming their face off,
they wouldn't have a problem.
I honestly can't see someone (friend) having an issue with it, but you never
know. She comes from a family with an army of children already, and I know
her mom was always understanding with everything as kids. I'm thinking it
would be understood and not an issue, and I would like to go, but if I ask
and double check and they're requesting NO children, then I am prepared to
wish her all the best on her wedding day, decline and promise to get
together for coffee or something after!

Hi --

First, yes, you have to ask the bride. But you already knew that.

Second, remember that 10 months can be very different from 8 months.
Your baby might well insist on lots of independent movement (crawling
around, trying to stand or pull along) by then. If she does, then the
wedding will be much more challenging for the both of you. If not, then
there isn't likely to be much of a problem.

We've been to a couple of weddings where several couples pooled together
to hire a sitter to stay on-site with several small children during the
ceremony and reception. That way parents were near to nurse, soothe,
solve problems, etc. but the little ones could have a quiet place to
escape to. So, you might ask if other couples with small children will
be attending, and if you and they could put together an arrangement like
that. (At our own wedding one of the guests brought their own nanny to
care for the 5 toddlers in attendance. It worked out very well for all
concerned.)

--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

xkatx wrote:
[...]
Is there some sort of universal etiquette? Or how do I approach this?

The universal etiquette (although, like most good manners, it's widely
ignored) is that you are not supposed to decide off your own bat who you
can or can't invite to someone else's wedding. Nor is it a great idea
to ask them - sure, technically they can say no, but it puts them on the
spot and may make them feel awkward.

What I would do is to ring her and say "Sorry, just needed to clarify -
am I right in thinking this is an adults-only wedding?" That then
leaves her free to say "Yes" without feeling that you're trying to drop
hints. You then know where you stand and can say "Oh, well - in that
case I'm afraid I won't be able to make it, because my youngest is still
breastfed and refuses to take a bottle so I can't leave her for that
long. Sorry not to be able to make it, but congratulations and best
wishes for the day!" As long as you don't say this in the kind of
ghastly martyred hinting tone that some people adopt, this puts no
pressure on her - but it does leave the door open for her to say "Well,
you could bring the baby if it's just going to be the baby..." *if she
wants to*. (Oh - and keep the explanation as brief and matter-of-fact as
possible! If you go on and on about how you'd have loved to come but it
really isn't possible and start trying to prove this by relating the
whole saga of your attempts to get her to take a bottle, it'll just
sound like protesting too much.)


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

Chris wrote:

Based on what I was taught, how the invitation was addressed could be
a key, but more importantly if someone specifically does not want
children to attend, THEY are supposed to put "adult-only reception" on
the invitation, as I did.

Actually, this is incorrect. The people listed on a wedding invitation
(whether they are listed directly by name or indirectly as "and
children") are the only people invited. It is not good manners for
guests to decide to bring their own guest list. (The one traditional
exception to this is that you are entitled to bring your spouse or
fiancé - so, if you've become married or engaged since last being in
contact with the person issuing the invitation, you are traditionally
allowed to ring up and let them know this and they are then expected to
extend the invitation to your other half.) If the wedding invitation
does not specify your offspring, then they aren't invited.

Of course, given that so many people ignore this rule, a lot of people
will put 'adult-only' on the invitation as a pragmatic step. However,
they are not supposed to need to specify this, and according to strict
rules of etiquette it is inappropriate. (Also, as you found out, it's
of limited use.) ;-)

Based on what you've shared here, I would think taking a 10-
month-old breastfeeding infant who may or may not snack off of your
plate would be acceptable

Not necessarily. Some people want a child-free day for their wedding.
That's their choice. You might not see any issues over having a
ten-month-old baby at a wedding, but that doesn't mean a different bride
might not be thinking "Oh, no, I just don't want a baby here! She'll
cry at the wrong moment and ruin the ceremony..." And it's the decision
of the people whose wedding it is, not of the guests.

and responding simply yes - count of 2 for
you and spouse.

I've got to say that, although I didn't like the suggestion of ringing
the bride and asking her to include the baby (unfair pressure), this
strikes me as even worse. Turning up with an uninvited and unannounced
guest, no matter who the guest is, sends the message that you don't care
about what the person in question wanted for her own wedding because
your own wishes are more important.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

I had a very similar situation a couple of years ago. Like you, I had
a baby I could not leave for very long. And, like your friend, my
friend came from a large family and I knew there would likely be other
children there.

It's not strictly etiquette to say anything about this at all. What I
did was email my friend and said that I would of course come to the
wedding but I would have to leave the reception early as I could not
stay away from Lorelei that long. And she emailed me back and said
that of course Lorelei was welcome. If she had NOT said that, it
would have been okay as well.

And we were seated at the head table, with Lorelei in her high
chair. :-)

Leslie

"Leslie" wrote in message
ups.com...
I had a very similar situation a couple of years ago. Like you, I had
a baby I could not leave for very long. And, like your friend, my
friend came from a large family and I knew there would likely be other
children there.

It's not strictly etiquette to say anything about this at all. What I
did was email my friend and said that I would of course come to the
wedding but I would have to leave the reception early as I could not
stay away from Lorelei that long. And she emailed me back and said
that of course Lorelei was welcome. If she had NOT said that, it
would have been okay as well.

And we were seated at the head table, with Lorelei in her high
chair. :-)

Leslie

Well, there is my friend's email given as a way to RSVP, along with her home
phone number. I'm kind of feeling like I'd rather call her and actually
talk to her to RSVP, rather than email. It feels more personal, but OTOH,
maybe email might be better. They wouldn't have provided an email to RSVP
to if they weren't expecting or wanting people to RSVP that way. I do think
that a phone call is far more personal, but an email is something that you
can sit and think good about before sending it away.
I also don't know if I should RSVP right away - they ask to RSVP by July 15,
I believe, and the wedding, I believe, is Aug 25? From now until the
wedding day, that's still 2 months that DD2 could start using a sippy cup or
something, and I could manage to possibly try and pump enough over the next
2 months that she might be able to be left away from me for a little longer.
I'd absolutely hate to say I won't be able to make it then find out, in the
end, I could have gone for one reason or another. She was such a good, dear
friend growing up. We were the best of friends, and although we've kind of
drifted the past few years, I do still enjoy when we do talk.
Another thing I'm not sure about with sending an RSVP by email is that I
might not even know if she got it or not. It would give her some time to
think about how she would like to reply, if she wants to (either with,
"sorry, we're asking all children to not attend or please do bring your
little one!) and she can decide without feeling at all put on the spot, even
if I did try and just be to the point and not go into huge dramatics or
anything.
I've never RSVP'd by email - is it normal for them to just take the email
and mark it down on their papers as yes or no and not reply back with a
confirmation either way or do they normally reply with an email of thanks,
can't wait to see you there or I'm sorry you can't make it - type thing?