scared

Hello I am new here and don't know where else to go, age 30, 1st and only
baby, 37 +6 weeks pregnant and scared. Finding out I was pregnant was a
massive shock, as even though me and partner have been together 15 yrs we
were certain we didn't want children. Anyway we decided after much talk etc
to have our baby. I have had a very good pregnancy, no complications etc,
very supportive family and partner...what the bloody hell am I complaining
for then? I am just so scared. I started with intense Braxton Hicks
contractions on Thursday, 4 bouts of them since then building up to 6 mins
apart over about 3-4 hours then easing...so far have coped...today I am on
my own and scared.

I keep getting anxious that I won't be or even like being a parent, scared
for my little boy that I won't be a good mum and theres no going back....you
can't just return them for a refund can you! These feelings also make me
feel ashamed and I have no idea who to turn to without them thinking I
horrid things about me. There are also other times (mostly) that I am so
inlove with my boy and cannot wait for him to be here. I am just fluctuating
so much between these feelings and wonder if I am losing the plot? Like last
night and this morning I had an overwhelming fear of whats going to happen
and seriously question if I have done the right thing, it like someone
hitting me, what I call an oh sh*t moment...like I cannot supress how scared
I am and really want to run away, get my body and life back.

I have also always had a massive fear of birth, sometimes I feel very
positive and think bring it on...and then other times I wonder if I can do
it, I just get really scared esp as I have not had a good relationship with
my midwife....nothing shes done its just one of those things, as I have been
so healthy I am in and out in less than 5 mins and have had very few visits
to her. Luckily she won't be there at the birh as I am birthing in hospital
as no other method is available round these parts, so will have a hospital
midwife.

Is is normal to be so emotionally extreme? I honestly, when feeling fine,
love this little fella so much and unconditionally and I don't blame him for
the way I feel, I just do feel this way from time to time and yet it makes
me ashamed to feel so negative about such a wonderful time in my life and
that I know people that would love to be where I am, and esp also as I have
been so lucky with the pregnancy....so confused!

Thankyou for listening to me, I really needed to get this off my chest, does
anyone else gets similar feelings? Thankyou in advance, a very confused
nikki

With my first son he was totally unplanned and I was only 19 so of
course I was very scared. I never felt any 'maternal' feelings during
the whole pregnancy. But all that changed the minute I saw my little
boy's face. I'm sure it will be the same for you. Even with this
pregnancy (it was planned and I'm 7 months) I still get doubts but I
also know that everything will be fine once I see my little boy.

LeAnn

nikki wrote:

Hello I am new here and don't know where else to go, age 30, 1st and only
baby, 37 +6 weeks pregnant and scared. Finding out I was pregnant was a
massive shock, as even though me and partner have been together 15 yrs we
were certain we didn't want children. Anyway we decided after much talk etc
to have our baby. I have had a very good pregnancy, no complications etc,
very supportive family and partner...what the bloody hell am I complaining
for then? I am just so scared. I started with intense Braxton Hicks
contractions on Thursday, 4 bouts of them since then building up to 6 mins
apart over about 3-4 hours then easing...so far have coped...today I am on
my own and scared.

I keep getting anxious that I won't be or even like being a parent, scared
for my little boy that I won't be a good mum and theres no going back....you
can't just return them for a refund can you! These feelings also make me
feel ashamed and I have no idea who to turn to without them thinking I
horrid things about me. There are also other times (mostly) that I am so
inlove with my boy and cannot wait for him to be here. I am just fluctuating
so much between these feelings and wonder if I am losing the plot? Like last
night and this morning I had an overwhelming fear of whats going to happen
and seriously question if I have done the right thing, it like someone
hitting me, what I call an oh sh*t moment...like I cannot supress how scared
I am and really want to run away, get my body and life back.

I have also always had a massive fear of birth, sometimes I feel very
positive and think bring it on...and then other times I wonder if I can do
it, I just get really scared esp as I have not had a good relationship with
my midwife....nothing shes done its just one of those things, as I have been
so healthy I am in and out in less than 5 mins and have had very few visits
to her. Luckily she won't be there at the birh as I am birthing in hospital
as no other method is available round these parts, so will have a hospital
midwife.

Is is normal to be so emotionally extreme? I honestly, when feeling fine,
love this little fella so much and unconditionally and I don't blame him for
the way I feel, I just do feel this way from time to time and yet it makes
me ashamed to feel so negative about such a wonderful time in my life and
that I know people that would love to be where I am, and esp also as I have
been so lucky with the pregnancy....so confused!

Thankyou for listening to me, I really needed to get this off my chest, does
anyone else gets similar feelings? Thankyou in advance, a very confused
nikki

nikki wrote:


I keep getting anxious that I won't be or even like being a parent, scared
for my little boy that I won't be a good mum and theres no going back....you
can't just return them for a refund can you! These feelings also make me
feel ashamed and I have no idea who to turn to without them thinking I
horrid things about me. There are also other times (mostly) that I am so
inlove with my boy and cannot wait for him to be here. I am just fluctuating
so much between these feelings and wonder if I am losing the plot? Like last
night and this morning I had an overwhelming fear of whats going to happen
and seriously question if I have done the right thing, it like someone
hitting me, what I call an oh sh*t moment...like I cannot supress how scared
I am and really want to run away, get my body and life back.


These feelings are very common, even for planned
pregnancies. I wouldn't read too much into them. I imagine
that these feelings are maybe more in the forefront because
the pregnancy was unplanned, but they *don't* mean that
you'll be a bad mother or that you won't bond with your
baby.


I have also always had a massive fear of birth, sometimes I feel very
positive and think bring it on...and then other times I wonder if I can do
it, I just get really scared esp as I have not had a good relationship with
my midwife....nothing shes done its just one of those things, as I have been
so healthy I am in and out in less than 5 mins and have had very few visits
to her. Luckily she won't be there at the birh as I am birthing in hospital
as no other method is available round these parts, so will have a hospital
midwife.


Having a fear of birth is also not uncommon.
No one really knows what it's like going into their first
birth (or even subsequent births, since they can all be
so very different), so it's a huge unknown lurking out there.
Millions of women have done it, and you can too. At the
same time, the fear-tension-pain cycle is very much a
reality, and the more you let fear take over, the more
painful and difficult your experience is likely to be.
If you can find a way to relax your fears a bit, that will
be all to the good. Maybe you could pick up some books
with good birth stories?


Is is normal to be so emotionally extreme? I honestly, when feeling fine,
love this little fella so much and unconditionally and I don't blame him for
the way I feel, I just do feel this way from time to time and yet it makes
me ashamed to feel so negative about such a wonderful time in my life and
that I know people that would love to be where I am, and esp also as I have
been so lucky with the pregnancy....so confused!


Don't add to the problem by feeling guilty over these
feelings. They're very normal. Not everyone feels them,
and even some who feel them won't admit to them ;-) But
they aren't uncommon at all and don't have anything to do
with how good a mother you'll be. I didn't stress too much
over this sort of thing while pregnancy--at least while awake!
While asleep, on the other hand, I'd dream about forgetting
to feed the baby for days on end ;-) Clearly my subconscious
was working some things out, even if I wasn't fretting
consciously ;-) You'll be fine. Do watch out for signs
of post-partum depression, though, so you can get help
quickly if it crops up.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"nikki" wrote in message
...
Hello I am new here and don't know where else to go, age 30, 1st and only
baby, 37 +6 weeks pregnant and scared. Finding out I was pregnant was a
massive shock, as even though me and partner have been together 15 yrs we
were certain we didn't want children. Anyway we decided after much talk
etc
to have our baby. I have had a very good pregnancy, no complications etc,
very supportive family and partner...what the bloody hell am I complaining
for then? I am just so scared. I started with intense Braxton Hicks
contractions on Thursday, 4 bouts of them since then building up to 6 mins
apart over about 3-4 hours then easing...so far have coped...today I am on
my own and scared.

I keep getting anxious that I won't be or even like being a parent, scared
for my little boy that I won't be a good mum and theres no going
back....you
can't just return them for a refund can you! These feelings also make me
feel ashamed and I have no idea who to turn to without them thinking I
horrid things about me. There are also other times (mostly) that I am so
inlove with my boy and cannot wait for him to be here. I am just
fluctuating
so much between these feelings and wonder if I am losing the plot? Like
last
night and this morning I had an overwhelming fear of whats going to happen
and seriously question if I have done the right thing, it like someone
hitting me, what I call an oh sh*t moment...like I cannot supress how
scared
I am and really want to run away, get my body and life back.

I have also always had a massive fear of birth, sometimes I feel very
positive and think bring it on...and then other times I wonder if I can do
it, I just get really scared esp as I have not had a good relationship
with
my midwife....nothing shes done its just one of those things, as I have
been
so healthy I am in and out in less than 5 mins and have had very few
visits
to her. Luckily she won't be there at the birh as I am birthing in
hospital
as no other method is available round these parts, so will have a hospital
midwife.

Is is normal to be so emotionally extreme? I honestly, when feeling fine,
love this little fella so much and unconditionally and I don't blame him
for
the way I feel, I just do feel this way from time to time and yet it makes
me ashamed to feel so negative about such a wonderful time in my life and
that I know people that would love to be where I am, and esp also as I
have
been so lucky with the pregnancy....so confused!

Thankyou for listening to me, I really needed to get this off my chest,
does
anyone else gets similar feelings? Thankyou in advance, a very confused
nikki


Nikki,

I think it's TOTALLY normal to have those feelings. Some women have them
during pregnancy, others have them once the baby is here, or both. I was
very worried while pregnant with my son about giving up my freedom/life as I
knew it...even though I wanted him for so long. Once he came, I was ELATED.
My husband kept joking that I had "post partum elation" when people would
ask if I was depressed.

Good luck, I'm sure it will all work out for you!

- Jen

In article ,
"nikki" wrote:

It all sounds very normal to me. This is a big life change, and you've
got hormones magnifying your emotions, so all your emotions are bound to
feel more extreme. Nothing to be ashamed of at all. And mind you, you
might well still have mixed emotions after the baby's born, and that
will also be perfectly normal. You might love him with all your heart,
and still wish you had your body and life back, or wish you could return
him for a refund sometimes. It's all normal. I spent the first few
months of motherhood feeling like I was wondering when the real mother
was going to show up - it couldn't be me, I was no mother, obviously I
was just babysitting until she got back. :-)

Oh, and for "fear of birth," and wondering if you can do it? I'm a firm
believer in the law of averages. If millions of women for millions of
years can do it, then the odds are that you can do it. And you'll have
the midwife and others to help you. I know the uncertainty is scary, and
it might be not so bad or it might be miserable, but your body should be
able to handle it just fine, and you'll have help.

The big problem is that it's just such a long wait, and you're in the
tail end that can feel like it lasts forever, with nothing left to do
but fret. My suggestion is to take your mind off of it as much as
possible. Go to movies or rent some videos - it won't be so easy again
for a while.

- Lynn

"nikki" wrote in message ...

I keep getting anxious that I won't be or even like being a parent, scared
for my little boy that I won't be a good mum and theres no going back....you
can't just return them for a refund can you! These feelings also make me
feel ashamed and I have no idea who to turn to without them thinking I
horrid things about me. There are also other times (mostly) that I am so
inlove with my boy and cannot wait for him to be here. I am just fluctuating
so much between these feelings and wonder if I am losing the plot? Like last
night and this morning I had an overwhelming fear of whats going to happen
and seriously question if I have done the right thing, it like someone
hitting me, what I call an oh sh*t moment...like I cannot supress how scared
I am and really want to run away, get my body and life back.

I felt completely the same way. Let's face it, its scary. I wanted
to have a child, and I thought I knew that it was going to change
my life, but suddenly once I was pregnant I kept finding things
in my life I loved and was going to have to give up for my child.
Lots of oh**** moments, alla time, believe you me. I spent half my
pregnancy convinced I'd been insane to seek this out, despite
how much I'd been lookking forward to it before.

I'm not one of the people who can tell you that the instant
she laid eyes on her child's face, she felt a rush of love which
overwhelmed all doubts. I'm not a rush-of-love type. What I
did feel was that this little girl was definitely all mine. Once
she was here taking care of her was just the thing to do. I
also won't tell you that I never again thought that I sort of
wished I could sleep when I wanted to or go to a movie when I
felt like it, because I think that all the time! But now when
I have those fantasies, I'm not wishing that she wasn't here,
I'm just wishing I had servants to play with her while I
relaxed. I'm a good mom and love her tons.

Most of my friends who were pregnant at the same time admitted
to similar oh**** attacks. I think it's more common than
most people own up to because of the image of the perfect mom
who gives up not only her time and her effort but even her
DESIRE to have her time and effort to herslef. It's like
if you admit that there's even a part of you that would rather
sip cocktails in a party dress than entertain a 9-month-old
you're blowing everyone's cover.

You'll problably be a great parent (just the fact that you're
so worried about this means you're devoting more thought to
being a good parent than most people do!) You will probably
enjoy it, some days more than others. Your fears are
normal IMO, and they're valid, but when the change has
actually happened and you're a mom you'll find you're
ok.

Eileen

Hey Nikki;

I can't say much, since I am a first timer, & only 12 weeks pregnant.
BUT I also do not have any maternal feelings for that baby yet. I was
real ashamed, but then I had the courage to ask my sister, who laughed &
said that it is quite normal. Planned or no planned, it is real common
for women to have no feelings for the baby till the 8th month & even
then they experience ups & downs. Sometimes they feel some emotions,
other times nothing. So, don't be surprised. As for that fluctuation, it
is kind of understandable .. I mean think of how much change your body
is undergoing physically & emotionally.

I have one more thing to add to you though ... I think you are gonna be
a great mum. You see, you are so concerned about this. If you were going
to be a less than good mum you wouldn't have bothered. So, pull yourself
together & wait for those sleepless nights ) I am sure your little one
is going to be a lucky one

Good luck

Mona

nikki wrote:
Hello I am new here and don't know where else to go, age 30, 1st and only
baby, 37 +6 weeks pregnant and scared. Finding out I was pregnant was a
massive shock, as even though me and partner have been together 15 yrs we
were certain we didn't want children. Anyway we decided after much talk etc
to have our baby. I have had a very good pregnancy, no complications etc,
very supportive family and partner...what the bloody hell am I complaining
for then? I am just so scared. I started with intense Braxton Hicks
contractions on Thursday, 4 bouts of them since then building up to 6 mins
apart over about 3-4 hours then easing...so far have coped...today I am on
my own and scared.

I keep getting anxious that I won't be or even like being a parent, scared
for my little boy that I won't be a good mum and theres no going back....you
can't just return them for a refund can you! These feelings also make me
feel ashamed and I have no idea who to turn to without them thinking I
horrid things about me. There are also other times (mostly) that I am so
inlove with my boy and cannot wait for him to be here. I am just fluctuating
so much between these feelings and wonder if I am losing the plot? Like last
night and this morning I had an overwhelming fear of whats going to happen
and seriously question if I have done the right thing, it like someone
hitting me, what I call an oh sh*t moment...like I cannot supress how scared
I am and really want to run away, get my body and life back.

I have also always had a massive fear of birth, sometimes I feel very
positive and think bring it on...and then other times I wonder if I can do
it, I just get really scared esp as I have not had a good relationship with
my midwife....nothing shes done its just one of those things, as I have been
so healthy I am in and out in less than 5 mins and have had very few visits
to her. Luckily she won't be there at the birh as I am birthing in hospital
as no other method is available round these parts, so will have a hospital
midwife.

Is is normal to be so emotionally extreme? I honestly, when feeling fine,
love this little fella so much and unconditionally and I don't blame him for
the way I feel, I just do feel this way from time to time and yet it makes
me ashamed to feel so negative about such a wonderful time in my life and
that I know people that would love to be where I am, and esp also as I have
been so lucky with the pregnancy....so confused!

Thankyou for listening to me, I really needed to get this off my chest, does
anyone else gets similar feelings? Thankyou in advance, a very confused
nikki

At seven months pregnant, my husband came in and found me just sitting on
the toliet sobbing. He asked what was wrong, and it all had to do with
being afraid that I would have a relationship with my children like my
parents have had with me... lousy.

But it has worked out fine. We're all happy. Once you find out how much
fun they are to give wee kissies and cuddles all the trepidation will all
fade away.

Sk

"nikki" wrote in message
...

Thankyou for listening to me, I really needed to get this off my chest,
does
anyone else gets similar feelings? Thankyou in advance, a very confused
nikki


Hi Nikki - although my pregnancy was very planned and wanted, I had many of
the same fears that you describe - fears about how having a baby would
change me, my relationship with my partner, my life; whether I would be a
good mother; whether I would be able to love my little boy. I was also
anxious about labor and delivery. Do you know any other women with new
babies? It might help to talk to people IRL as well! For me, I felt like
it was pretty normal to have these fears. Yes, having our baby has changed
our lives, and some parts of it *are* challenging, but I know that I fell
completely and utterly in love with my little guy - words can't express the
joy he has brought us. I also continued to have ups and downs post-birth,
for about the first month, and then it evened out. The feedback I got was
that this is pretty normal! Good luck to you.

- Lissie