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#1
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Other People's Kids
OK, so I am seeking input on how other parents would handle some
situations I found myself in lately. I'm not sure I handled these right and am looking for input/suggestions. My little girl is 3 years, 2 months. Her language is very far behind the norm; few people besides me and her mom would understand more than 10% of what she says. This often makes her frustrated and prone to tantrums. Besides that, she's a sweet and outgoing girl. One - I'm at a Burger King playplace. There is a loft section where the kids can climb up and crawl thru tunnels while the parents sit below and eat/relax/whatever. She's up there with about 6 other children ranging in age from 3-7. I notice that the other children have all decided (led by a couple of 7 year olds) that my girl is yucky and should be ostracized. They yell at her, "Get away!" and there is some mild pushing. They make a game of running away from her. My girl doesn't cry, she seems mostly puzzled. All the parents below are oblivious or don't care. What would you do? (I climbed up there and gave my girl a hug and shot rude glares at the 7 year olds. I stayed up there to buffer the pushing and provide some fun interaction with my girl. One of the other parents complain and the manager comes and tells me to get down.) Two - Our next door neighbor has a little boy 3 years, 8 months. He's rowdy, as he should be at that age. He's bigger and able to do more than my girl. They mostly play "near" each other and don't interact a whole lot. I watch closely and see him push my girl down for no reason that I could ascertain. She runs off and cries. What would you do? (As soon as I saw the push, I yelled, "JOSEPH! - Don't push her!" At this point his mother came out and asked what happened and Joseph had to go inside. I think she was not happy that I yelled at her kid, perhaps rightfully so.) Thanks for any responses. Jack |
#2
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Hi -- In the first case, at the fast food joint ... I always say that if it's not broke, don't fix it. Your daughter wasn't bothered by the teasing she was getting. By going in, you signalled to her that something was wrong. You should have left well-enough alone, since no one's feelings were being hurt. Instead, ask her afterwards if she had fun playing. If she says no ** because the big kids were mean ** then remind her that if there are mean kids, she can get a grownup to help. But if she wasn't bothered, drop the subject. (Her tactic of ignoring the big kids' teasing, while unintentional, was also the best possible tactic to use. When kids tease, ignoring is the best defense. The teasers get bored and quit more often than not.) It's hard, as a parent, to refrain from interfering. But restraint is often the best solution in the case of sub-optimal social interactions. In the second case ... the goal is not JUST to restrain the boy from pushing, but to improve the interaction. Your daughter's running away to cry was also not optimal. I'd probably have walked over to the boy, showed him that the girl was crying, explained why, reminded him that pushing isn't nice, and then walked him over and helped him to apologize to your daughter. And then you remind your daughter that this boy is her friend, and when he hurts her feelings she needs to tell him so that he won't do it again. Then let them hug and make up, or whatever your neighborhood does. Yelling from a distance does nothing but tell the boy that he did something wrong. It doesn't fix the situation, and it doesn't take steps towards preventing a recurrence. Furthermore, it doesn't send any signals to your daughter! And she needs both to be reassured that you saw and saw that it wasn't unfair, but she also needs to know that you support her AND that there are other things SHE can do besides running away from a difficult situation. (Even if she doesn't really talk much yet, she can still communicate. ANd she can LEARN the things that she'll need to say in a few months when she CAN speak more clearly.) My two cents, --Beth Kevles http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner. NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would like me to reply. |
#3
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Why is your kid so delayed?
wrote in message ups.com... OK, so I am seeking input on how other parents would handle some situations I found myself in lately. I'm not sure I handled these right and am looking for input/suggestions. My little girl is 3 years, 2 months. Her language is very far behind the norm; few people besides me and her mom would understand more than 10% of what she says. This often makes her frustrated and prone to tantrums. Besides that, she's a sweet and outgoing girl. One - I'm at a Burger King playplace. There is a loft section where the kids can climb up and crawl thru tunnels while the parents sit below and eat/relax/whatever. She's up there with about 6 other children ranging in age from 3-7. I notice that the other children have all decided (led by a couple of 7 year olds) that my girl is yucky and should be ostracized. They yell at her, "Get away!" and there is some mild pushing. They make a game of running away from her. My girl doesn't cry, she seems mostly puzzled. All the parents below are oblivious or don't care. What would you do? (I climbed up there and gave my girl a hug and shot rude glares at the 7 year olds. I stayed up there to buffer the pushing and provide some fun interaction with my girl. One of the other parents complain and the manager comes and tells me to get down.) Two - Our next door neighbor has a little boy 3 years, 8 months. He's rowdy, as he should be at that age. He's bigger and able to do more than my girl. They mostly play "near" each other and don't interact a whole lot. I watch closely and see him push my girl down for no reason that I could ascertain. She runs off and cries. What would you do? (As soon as I saw the push, I yelled, "JOSEPH! - Don't push her!" At this point his mother came out and asked what happened and Joseph had to go inside. I think she was not happy that I yelled at her kid, perhaps rightfully so.) Thanks for any responses. Jack |
#4
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"Beth Kevles" wrote in message ... Hi -- In the first case, at the fast food joint ... I always say that if it's not broke, don't fix it. Your daughter wasn't bothered by the teasing she was getting. By going in, you signalled to her that something was wrong. You should have left well-enough alone, since no one's feelings were being hurt. Instead, ask her afterwards if she had fun playing. If she says no ** because the big kids were mean ** then remind her that if there are mean kids, she can get a grownup to help. But if she wasn't bothered, drop the subject. (Her tactic of ignoring the big kids' teasing, while unintentional, was also the best possible tactic to use. When kids tease, ignoring is the best defense. The teasers get bored and quit more often than not.) It's hard, as a parent, to refrain from interfering. But restraint is often the best solution in the case of sub-optimal social interactions. I agree. However, I would definitely not recommend climbing on the play structure. it is meant for kids, not adults (darn!). In addition, a mother or a father who is not with it might get the idea it is a good idea to crawl up their and get stuck or break the thing. In the second case ... the goal is not JUST to restrain the boy from pushing, but to improve the interaction. Your daughter's running away to cry was also not optimal. She left an unhealthy situation. Perhaps it would have been better if she went to an adult or were able to stick up more for herself, but she defused the situtation. Obviously, at some point she will learn to be more assertive and not take getting pushed around like that, but I think her response was fine. I'd probably have walked over to the boy, showed him that the girl was crying, explained why, reminded him that pushing isn't nice, and then walked him over and helped him to apologize to your daughter. And then you remind your daughter that this boy is her friend, and when he hurts her feelings she needs to tell him so that he won't do it again. Then let them hug and make up, or whatever your neighborhood does. Yelling from a distance does nothing but tell the boy that he did something wrong. Or it tells him that you are someone to be feared. It doesn't fix the situation, and it doesn't take steps towards preventing a recurrence. Furthermore, it doesn't send any signals to your daughter! Yeah, it does. It teaches her to yell at people. And she needs both to be reassured that you saw and saw that it wasn't unfair, but she also needs to know that you support her AND that there are other things SHE can do besides running away from a difficult situation. (Even if she doesn't really talk much yet, she can still communicate. And she can LEARN the things that she'll need to say in a few months when she CAN speak more clearly.) I agree. Although I think the girl's response was just fine (in fact, I think it was great she didn't let the situation get out of control), I do agree that teaching her to be more assertive and that she can face a difficult situation is better. In other words, it is better to learn to make an unhealthy situation into a healthy one. Jeff My two cents, --Beth Kevles http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner. NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would like me to reply. |
#5
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Beth Kevles wrote: Hi -- In the first case, at the fast food joint ... I always say that if it's not broke, don't fix it. Your daughter wasn't bothered by the teasing she was getting. By going in, you signalled to her that something was wrong. You should have left well-enough alone, since no one's feelings were being hurt. Instead, ask her afterwards if she had fun playing. If she says no ** because the big kids were mean ** then remind her that if there are mean kids, she can get a grownup to help. But if she wasn't bothered, drop the subject. (Her tactic of ignoring the big kids' teasing, while unintentional, was also the best possible tactic to use. When kids tease, ignoring is the best defense. The teasers get bored and quit more often than not.) Whew... Ignoring is one of the hardest things to do, because, and I know this from personal experience - it usually does NOT work. I was picked on for years, starting from when I was in first or second grade, and no adult ever did anything except tell me to ignore it, and yeah, I guess it eventually worked. When I went to high school. I didn't find out *WHY* it doesn't work until I was in graduate school, and I was taking a teach training course. Ignoring ONLY works if you see it through until the offending behavior stops. If you EVER break and react, then it ESCALATES the teasing. However, I found that even staying stone-faced doesn't work, because the kids know they are getting to you, even if you don't show it. Trying to teach a mostly non-verbal 3-yr old these principles seems, well, a tall order. I don't think standing up for his kid was a bad thing. I do think glaring, and being childish about it, was. Because, even if his child wasn't harmed by their teasing, maybe, just maybe, hearing some other adult (someone other than a parent or teacher) say "hey, be nice" might get through. And if so, then maybe his child is protected from FUTURE incidents. Cathy Weeks |
#6
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wrote in message ups.com... (...) Two - Our next door neighbor has a little boy 3 years, 8 months. He's rowdy, as he should be at that age. He's bigger and able to do more than my girl. They mostly play "near" each other and don't interact a whole lot. I watch closely and see him push my girl down for no reason that I could ascertain. She runs off and cries. What would you do? (As soon as I saw the push, I yelled, "JOSEPH! - Don't push her!" At this point his mother came out and asked what happened and Joseph had to go inside. I think she was not happy that I yelled at her kid, perhaps rightfully so.) I think she is right to be concerned that you yelled at her kid. Unless he was going to push her again immediately, it would have been better if you either asked your daughter to come to you or ran to her. Then, once your daughter calmed down, you two could talk to the boy and explain he shouldn't push her again. Instead, you taught your daughter that the way to deal with situations is to yell, rather than to defuse the situation calmly. Plus, yelling at the boy may have upset her, as well. BTW, thanks for asking the questions. Although Beth and I sort of took a different views on this (actually, I agree wtih her comments, but I am looking at it from another angle), I think there are good things to discuss. Jeff Thanks for any responses. Jack |
#7
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#8
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Jeff wrote:
I agree. However, I would definitely not recommend climbing on the play structure. it is meant for kids, not adults (darn!). In addition, a mother or a father who is not with it might get the idea it is a good idea to crawl up their and get stuck or break the thing. In general, play structures are designed to hold adults just fine - they have to be for safety. You take a whole mess of kids - and it doesn't take very many of them before they add up to the wait of several adults. And a crowded one has LOTs of kids. It used to be that the structures did allow adults up there - I've been on several where adults were allowed. The problem is that they aren't designed for the same number of adults as they are kids. 20 adults on the structure MIGHT pose a problem (though probably not) whereas 20 kids doesn't. Generally there aren't 20 adults who WANT to go up there, though. ;-) (They kill your knees - I'm not sure why it doesn't hurt a kid's knees, but does adults) The play structures have to be strong enough to accomodate adults in the event that an adult MUST go up there - if there's an emergency situation, or if you have a rowdy kid who won't come down, and you have to go up to collect them, or if you have a kid who is scared to get down, or something. Cathy Weeks |
#9
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In article .com,
Cathy Weeks wrote: The play structures have to be strong enough to accomodate adults in the event that an adult MUST go up there - if there's an emergency situation, or if you have a rowdy kid who won't come down, and you have to go up to collect them, or if you have a kid who is scared to get down, or something. Yeah, I've been up a playstructure a few times to help a child down who got up and was too scared to get back down (not always my own child -- I have "rescued" children of strangers when the parents felt they couldn't fit and asked if I could help). --Robyn |
#10
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This is a fascinating thread. I didn't realize that "ignore" needs to be followed through all the way to the end. (One of my kids has been using "ignore" on a child who teased him a lot this year. And now the child isn't teasing him anymore. I'm going to think on why it worked ....) I still think that, in the case presented, where the child was NOT bothered but ignored the whole thing with some bemusement, that the parent shouldn't interfere. In the more general case, where kids tease and the teased child *is* hurt, I'd be curious to hear about specific instances where what a parent-on-the-spot did was effective. For somewhat older kids, say 4th- 7th grades, does anyone have specific examples of what a KID did that was effective? I fianlly got good at parenting 3-year olds, and now my kids are older so I'm in over my head again! --Beth Kevles http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner. NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would like me to reply. |
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