social diner

Mary wrote:

my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.



I know this is frustrating, because my older child is a picky eater.
However, I think
you have 2 different issues here. One is what happens at home, one is
what happens
at friend's houses/restaurants.

For example - I wouldn't let him have his birthday at Chuck E Cheese if
he wasn't
prepared to eat what was available. I wouldn't send special food
to a friend's house. Our rule is - you can eat it, or you can leave it.
You can't
complain about it. (The formal rule is: "There are two appropriate
comments
to make about food someone else has prepared for you. (a) Boy, this is
good. (b) Nothing.)

Clisby

Hi Mary

I am afraid I don't have any magical solutions for you. I know that when I
was younger I was an extremely fussy eater (still am, but not as bad!). I
didn't begin to grow out of it until my teens. My mother had brought me up
with the line 'eat what you want and leave the rest' which I always
appreciated as a child. Going round to friends houses was always a problem
though, and friends mothers who knew I was a fussy eater would try and
accommodate - beans on toast was always a safe bet (although they often
failed at this too by giving me wholemeal toast and I only liked white
bread!). My mother never gave me packed lunches or anything though so when I
was given something else, I would try to eat something.

Sometimes the peer pressure thing would kick in and I would eat a little of
whatever was on my plate and looked like the lesser of two evils, but often
I would push it around. I did often feel guilty of hardly eating anything
that someone had cooked for me, especially when the mother expressed concern
as to me going hungry.

My guess would be to accommodate his eating habits at home without comment
and to stop sending the pack lunches to friends houses. That way if he likes
the social aspect and his family aren't present he is more likely to make an
effort - he might go hungry to begin with, and then when the friends
parent's show concern for him not eating start being guilted into trying a
little - I may be wrong, but I think most children want friends parents to
approve of them so that they can come back again! If no comments are being
made at home and he likes something he tried at a friends house, then maybe
he will feel able to mention it at home without feeling like he is 'losing'
the battle over his eating habits.

Good luck.


"Mary" wrote in message
om...
my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.

Hi -

This sounds like a behavioral issue that has gotten out of hand. I'd do
the following:

1. If he has tantrums because he's not getting what he wants to eat,
tell him that tantrums will mean he has to eat at home.
2. If he wants to eat BEFORE or AFTER the meal (at home) then he may,
but he may NOT bring other food with him. It's rude.
3. If he doesn't like the food that's offered, he may politely say "no
thank you" and socialize without eating.

Talk these things over with him at a quiet time, about how it's rude to
bring other food, rude to complain about food, but perfectly fine to not
eat what's offered if you don't like it.

DOn't tackle the issue of what he likes and dislikes or his limited
diet. That comes with time (or doesn't) and shouldn't be confused with
the issue of behavior with other people.

And don't fret about him missing meals when necessary. He won't starve.

Just my two cents,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

Any advise is appreciated.


I'd be a hardliner here. There is no reason on earth for any child to live
exclusively on chicken nuggets and hot dogs. (And about a million reasons --
nutrition being the most important, that he should NOT be living exclusively on
chicken nuggets and hot dogs).
The solution is that the kid needs to start eating other foods. At meals, you
put other foods in front of the child. If he eats them, he gets a meal. If
not, he goes hungry. End of problem. (And yes, you give him enough options at
each meal that there is bound to be SOMETHING he will enjoy if he gives it half
a chance. You don't demand that he clean his plate of liver and onions,
brocolli and brussels sprouts 3 times a day.)


Naomi
CAPPA Certified Lactation Educator

(either remove spamblock or change address to to e-mail
reply.)

In article ,
(Mary) wrote:

my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.

I would stop catering to his food desires; he won't starve to death,
though he might get awfully hungry.

I would not feed him hot dogs and chicken nuggets for every meal. He's
old enough to be somewhat rational: I'd talk to him about it, set a
data, and tell him that after that date, his available meals will
consist of whatever was being prepared for everyone else, and he has two
choices: eat it or go hungry. I would also not pay any attention
(officially . . .) to whether or not he was eating, but would send him
away from the table if he started to throw a tantrum about what was
available. Don't comment about his eating, don't beg him or order him
to eat, just put food in front of him and let him eat or not eat.
Otherwise, you end up turning it into a major power struggle, and he
gets invested in proving that he doesn't have to eat. If you don't
offer any sort of comments on him NOT eating, he can eat when he wants
to without loss of face.

And I would do my best to teach him that meals out of the house (whether
restaurants or friend's houses) are primarily social functions, and NOT
about the food, and if he doesn't want to eat he doesn't have to -- but
he must NOT be unpleasant.

While his fussiness about food is not uncommon, I would consider this
level of catering to it a bit over the top. Eventually, kids will eat
what's available once they understand that they have no choice.

I know I grew up poor and in a large family, so the issues were somewhat
different; my family literally could not afford to have calories go to
waste. The phrase I remember when I was complaining that I didn't like
the (whatever) that was on my plate was, "If you aren't hungry enough to
eat it, then you must not be that hungry." We were never offered
anything else to eat instead.


meh

Tonight's Menu:

1 - Take It
2 - Leave It
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

I honestly don't have any advice for your daughter, except maybe to not give
in to his hot dog wishes and instead put food in front of him and if he eats
it, great, if he doesn't, well he won't go too long without eating, imo. I
think I would be as nonchalant about it as I could. I also have the must try
one bite rule at my house.

I can say that it is very frustrating to cater to kids who are picky eaters.
My girls will eat just about anything (given one or two things that each
child doesn't eat). However, when their friends come over, I literally go
out of my mind in trying to find snacks and drinks that these kids will eat.
The biggest frustration for me is that my girls don't drink anything but
water and milk and their friends won't drink milk, won't drink water, so
half the time I end up making Kool-aid so that they will drink something.
Ordering pizza for our daughter's B-day party was humorous. My husband, who
is used to our girls eating anything, didn't think to order the pizza's in a
variety of ways. He ordered them with mushrooms and pepperoni. Just about
all of the kids pulled stuff off of their pizza, except our girls.

Hang in there. Maybe if your daughter doesn't give in and tries to make him
try something else, he may end up liking a variety of foods.
--
Sue
mom to three girls

Mary wrote in message
om...
my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.

(Mary) wrote in message . com...
my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.

I'd like to agree with Lauren, plus suggest that you not permit
him to schedule birthday parties at places where they don't even
serve one of his two favorite foods! Sorry, but I think that's
ridiculous. He is old enough to be told in a gentle voice that
we won't be going there because they don't have hot dogs. (There
is no way the management would accommodate an adult who behaved
like that.) If he doesn't like it, no birthday party. There is
no need to make a fuss, just a quiet acknowledgment of *his* rules.
Like Lauren, I'd accommodate him at home but not anywhere else.
He can start learning to fix his own chicken strips if he hasn't
eaten at friends' homes.

I'd also suggest *not* trying to get him to try
other foods because it must be very tension-producing. Just
fix the blasted things at home and don't say anything. If he
happens to be interested in getting attention by refusing to
eat anything else, he'll have to learn to get it some other
way when he realizes that his family loves him but isn't interested
in talking about his eating anymore. This is battle you don't have
to fight (well, hardly at all). I know it's hard for you to
watch him eat so oddly, but I suspect that the more you all
push to try to get him to try something new, the more stubborn
he'll be. If you practice calm indifference, he might come around
faster. Good luck---

Lynne

I would stop buying hotdogs and chicken nuggets and not talk about food
again--he can choose from what is served or go hungry. Sounds like you have
an eating disorder in the making (already made?) if you are having these
kind of battles over food. Read up on eating disorders. If your grandson
does not eat once you stop with the junk, take him to a specialist as you
may need professional help. Good luck.

Mary wrote
my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets.

On 10 Jul 2003 05:39:35 -0700, (Mary) wrote:

my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets.

This wouldn't fly in my house. It didn't fly in my mother's
house either. Her attitude and mine is that a kid will eat when
it gets hungry.

Quite frankly, I would fix meals as per normal, and give the
child a selection of foods. If he didn't eat, he would go
hungry. When he was hungry enough, he would eat what was
offered.

I was a picky eater as a child. My mother would cater to it to a
certain degree. She knew that I would eat most meats, and I
would eat potatoes. So most dinners were meat, potatoes and
other veggies. However, if she made something that I didn't want
to eat, I either ate what was there or I went without. I never
starved. I never felt abused. I just knew that my mother was
not a short order cook.

Is your daughter happy to play short order cook???

--
==Daye==
E-mail: brendana AT labyrinth DOT net DOT au

On Thu, 10 Jul 2003 12:15:22 -0500, Nan
wrote:

Personally, I wouldn't pack a lunch for him so that he could go to
other peoples' houses at dinner time. I'd find that quite rude if I
were the one cooking, unless it was strictly a matter of food
allergies.

I agree. Food allergies are something you accomodate in any way
you can. However, if it was just the child being picky, I would
be VERY offended if the child brought his own food to my house
every time he came over.

--
==Daye==
E-mail: brendana AT labyrinth DOT net DOT au