Shy teenager

Hello,

I have a 13 year old son in eigth grade who has stopped interacting
with his friends almost completely in the last 8-12 months. I was shy
as a child, and he always has been too but he always had a few friends
that he did things with occasionally. At times, he's had close
friends. He's not particularly good at sports. He's getting all A's
and B's in school and I don't have to bug him much to do his
homework. He's well behaved and healthy which makes me feel lucky!

I am concerned about his dis-interest in friends. His friends would
call and he wouldn't call them back. If we make him go to a friends
house, he almost always has a good time but isn't interested in
getting together more.

It got to the point where I moved to another neighborhood where more
of his friends live to make it easier for him to get together with
them and it hasn't help.

I've been a single Dad for 5 years and have my kids every other week.
Get along good with their Mom. For a divorce, it's about as good as
it can get. We're both caring and involved parents.

Neither his mom or I are home in the afternoon (which I'm trying to
fix too) so we can't really be here to push him to be with friends in
the afternoon. When I am home, I try to do this but he's not
interested. He really likes hanging out with his 10 year old
brother. His brother has lots of friends and does sleep overs a lot
and my older son would rather have him around (most of the time).

Their mom thinks I should force him to go to his friends house. that
may work, but doesn't seem right to me. He should want to be with his
friends. In his free time he liked to play video games (esp
renescape.com). He's a very 'straight' kid and I don't think he's
gotten into anything bad on the internet or with friends.

Any ideas? Is he just shy and maybe I should give it more time? He's
starting high school next year and I want his experience with friends
to be good.

Thanks,
Dad661

On 11 Mar 2007 22:45:22 -0700, wrote:

Any ideas? Is he just shy and maybe I should give it more time? He's
starting high school next year and I want his experience with friends
to be good.

Thanks,
Dad661

Is this new? Did it begin after the divorce?

If it's not new and is just part of his temperament, I would not push
it. He may be one of those kids who really enjoys being alone and
independent. Does he have one or two close friends, but not like
larger groups? If so, he's probably just fine the way he is.

If this is new or he seems to have *no* friends at all, then you may
want to see if something has changed recently that brought this about.
Are his friends beginning to be interested in girls and dating while
he is less mature? Are his friends into sports and he feels he isn't
good at that? Is he self-confident about his own abilities? If not,
perhaps a martial arts class would help his confidence.

Good luck in sorting this out.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

On Mar 12, 10:49�am, toto wrote:
On 11 Mar 2007 22:45:22 -0700, wrote:

Any ideas? *Is he just shy and maybe I should give it more time? *He's
starting high school next year and I want his experience with friends
to be good.

Thanks,
Dad661

Is this new? *Did it begin after the divorce?

If it's not new and is just part of his temperament, I would not push
it. *He may be one of those kids who really enjoys being alone and
independent. * Does he have one or two close friends, but not like
larger groups? *If so, he's probably just fine the way he is.

If this is new or he seems to have *no* friends at all, then you may
want to see if something has changed recently that brought this about.
Are his friends beginning to be interested in girls and dating while
he is less mature? *Are his friends into sports and he feels he isn't
good at that? *Is he self-confident about his own abilities? *If not,
perhaps a martial arts class would help his confidence.

Good luck in sorting this out.

--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

I think I would ask whether something happened recently to make him
withdraw completely. For example, has he become the brunt of some
cruel jokes? Kids can be cruel and gang up together in a team
mentality, even on something simple like him being a teacher's
favorite and being a good student who won't give in to peer pressure,
and I couldn't blame someone for preferring to be alone as a result of
things like that. I know one of my best friends in school turned one
of our disagreements into a huge battle to where she demanded our
mutual friends chose either one of us. Thankfully, some people were
not scared of her big mouth, bullie ways and remained friends with me.
As we matured, however, some of the folks that chose her and her style
came around to wanting to be friends again, but of course, we all know
that type of thing comes with maturity.

In article .com,
says...

Hello,

I have a 13 year old son in eigth grade who has stopped interacting
with his friends almost completely in the last 8-12 months. I was shy
as a child, and he always has been too but he always had a few friends
that he did things with occasionally. At times, he's had close
friends. He's not particularly good at sports. He's getting all A's
and B's in school and I don't have to bug him much to do his
homework. He's well behaved and healthy which makes me feel lucky!

I am concerned about his dis-interest in friends. His friends would
call and he wouldn't call them back. If we make him go to a friends
house, he almost always has a good time but isn't interested in
getting together more.

It got to the point where I moved to another neighborhood where more
of his friends live to make it easier for him to get together with
them and it hasn't help.

I've been a single Dad for 5 years and have my kids every other week.
Get along good with their Mom. For a divorce, it's about as good as
it can get. We're both caring and involved parents.

Neither his mom or I are home in the afternoon (which I'm trying to
fix too) so we can't really be here to push him to be with friends in
the afternoon. When I am home, I try to do this but he's not
interested. He really likes hanging out with his 10 year old
brother. His brother has lots of friends and does sleep overs a lot
and my older son would rather have him around (most of the time).

Their mom thinks I should force him to go to his friends house. that
may work, but doesn't seem right to me. He should want to be with his
friends. In his free time he liked to play video games (esp
renescape.com). He's a very 'straight' kid and I don't think he's
gotten into anything bad on the internet or with friends.

Any ideas? Is he just shy and maybe I should give it more time? He's
starting high school next year and I want his experience with friends
to be good.

Does he have other interests that he's pursuing? Like, for instance, my 14 year
old has hobbies he loves to do instead of just hanging out with friends; he's
happy with seeing them at school and scouts and family get togethers. If so,
maybe it's as simple as his marching to his own drummer.

But what concerns me is that you're talking about a *change*. A change where
someone withdraws from what they've liked to do before, whether or not it has to
do with being with people, is a pretty strong sign of depression. You need to
take that possibility very seriously and talk to his pediatrician about this
change in pattern. Is he even playing his favorite video games anymore?

As others have said, he may have been facing bullying at school, even involving
his (former) friends. (Thirteen sure was the height of my problems with that!)
And his withdrawal is not necessarily due to depression (although that can still
be a consequence of a problem like that), it may be a coping mechanism. He may
not want to open up about it. Ask him if he would like it if he moved to a new
school or want a social fresh start in another way. You may need to take some
action there, either with the school he's in (you may need to bring a situation
to their attention *whatever* your boy says about it), or by changing schools.

I most certainly would not try to deal with this in a "just get over it" manner
like making him go to his friends house. It's just not a parent's place to do
that with a teen, and may push him right into the source of the problem!

Good on you for taking steps to be home in the afternoon when you see a teenaged
child struggling - so many parents seem to think they're about finished with
active, present parenting as soon as the kids can microwave a meal and get out
of the house by themselves in case of a fire! Just being present in the house
is a good starting measure against a lot of teen troubles.

Good luck.

Banty

On Mar 12, 1:45 am, wrote:
Hello,

I have a 13 year old son in eigth grade who has stopped interacting
with his friends almost completely in the last 8-12 months. I was shy
as a child, and he always has been too but he always had a few friends
that he did things with occasionally. At times, he's had close
friends. He's not particularly good at sports. He's getting all A's
and B's in school and I don't have to bug him much to do his
homework. He's well behaved and healthy which makes me feel lucky!
SNIP

Have you tried to talk to him about it? Sometimes, if you're just
*there* with them -- watching a TV show, playing a video game, even
cooking dinner, boys will open up in a way that they won't if you ask
them a question directly.

Have you also spoken to his teachers? How is he interacting with the
other kids at school? Is he being picked on? Is he withdrawn? Is he
engaging in inappropriate behavior? How is he doing with group
projects?

One thing that really struck me is that he enjoys hanging out with his
little brother (and presumably with his brother's friends). 13 can be
such a funny age. At 13, there are kids who are full-fledged teens,
and there are other kids who are still little boys. Is it possible
that your son is just a little behind the curve of his peers, so he
really doesn't have all that much in common with them for the moment?
I lost interest in a lot of my old friends at that age for just those
reasons. I was secretly playing with dolls while they were having
make-out parties and smoking.

I wouldn't push him to see people whom he'd really rather not see.
After all, it may turn out that he has excellent reasons for that!
(Sex and drugs would not be unheard of at that age.) Instead, maybe
you could encourage him to join a club, or participate in some
activity where he could meet people with whom he would enjoy spending
time. If you can't think of anything, maybe it could be a father-son
activity, in which other father-son pairs participate.

Good luck.

Barbara

"Barbara" wrote in message
oups.com...
On Mar 12, 1:45 am, wrote:
Hello,

I have a 13 year old son in eigth grade who has stopped interacting
with his friends almost completely in the last 8-12 months. I was shy
as a child, and he always has been too but he always had a few friends
that he did things with occasionally. At times, he's had close
friends. He's not particularly good at sports. He's getting all A's
and B's in school and I don't have to bug him much to do his
homework. He's well behaved and healthy which makes me feel lucky!
SNIP

Have you tried to talk to him about it? Sometimes, if you're just
*there* with them -- watching a TV show, playing a video game, even
cooking dinner, boys will open up in a way that they won't if you ask
them a question directly.

Have you also spoken to his teachers? How is he interacting with the
other kids at school? Is he being picked on? Is he withdrawn? Is he
engaging in inappropriate behavior? How is he doing with group
projects?

One thing that really struck me is that he enjoys hanging out with his
little brother (and presumably with his brother's friends). 13 can be
such a funny age. At 13, there are kids who are full-fledged teens,
and there are other kids who are still little boys. Is it possible
that your son is just a little behind the curve of his peers, so he
really doesn't have all that much in common with them for the moment?
I lost interest in a lot of my old friends at that age for just those
reasons. I was secretly playing with dolls while they were having
make-out parties and smoking.

Excellent point. If he is 13 in 8th grade, he is probably one of the younger
kids in class. A lot of kids are 14 or 15. The other boys and girls in his
class may be also be getting interested in dating, but he's not ready for
this. As he gets older, this may resolve itself.

I wouldn't push him to see people whom he'd really rather not see.
After all, it may turn out that he has excellent reasons for that!
(Sex and drugs would not be unheard of at that age.) Instead, maybe
you could encourage him to join a club, or participate in some
activity where he could meet people with whom he would enjoy spending
time. If you can't think of anything, maybe it could be a father-son
activity, in which other father-son pairs participate.

Good luck.

Barbara

Excellent post.

Speaking of drugs, are you sure that he isn't doing drugs? Becoming
withdrawn is a symptom of doing drugs. Has he been abused or beaten up? (One
risk factor for abuse is having a new man in his mother's life.)

You said he gets good grades, doesn't excel at sports and doesn't have many
friends. The word "geek" leaps out at me. I don't mean this in a negative
way. Geeks are good. Bill Gates is a geek. A rich geek who is helping lots
of people with his vaccines. If this is the case, he might not really know
how to come out of his shell. Joining a club with others who like the things
he likes would be good. There should be chess, computer, and other clubs.
Also, when he's ready, if he doesn't find a sport that he likes, perhaps he
could be a team manager and keep the records for a basketball or soccer
team, if that is his thing. He might also become a cheerleader. I mean,
there is a good boy to girl ratio on most cheer leading teams.

Barbara said that some kids his age are like full teens and some are like
younger kids. I think almost all teens are still kids, even if they act like
full-fledged teens. Especially at his age.

Jeff

You said he gets good grades, doesn't excel at sports and doesn't have
many
friends. The word "geek" leaps out at me. I don't mean this in a negative
way. Geeks are good. Bill Gates is a geek. A rich geek who is helping lots
of people with his vaccines.

Yet this same Bill Gates exploits non US nationals by underpaying them and
getting away with it simply because it's more than they'd earn in their home
country. Bill Gates earns 10 times as much each hour than most of his
employees earn in a year, yes he does some philanthropic stuff, but it would
be helpful if numerous employees weren't struggling to make ends meet.

Anne

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
...

You said he gets good grades, doesn't excel at sports and doesn't have
many
friends. The word "geek" leaps out at me. I don't mean this in a negative
way. Geeks are good. Bill Gates is a geek. A rich geek who is helping
lots of people with his vaccines.

Yet this same Bill Gates exploits non US nationals by underpaying them and
getting away with it simply because it's more than they'd earn in their
home country. Bill Gates earns 10 times as much each hour than most of his
employees earn in a year, yes he does some philanthropic stuff, but it
would be helpful if numerous employees weren't struggling to make ends
meet.

Anne

You know, in general, I agree with you. If you were to say Dell, Nike,
Reebok, Ford or many other companies that have employees overseas or
outsource overseas, I would agree with you.

Although people in India and other countries where Microsoft has offices get
paid less, the buying power of the money the recieve and the standard of
living is probably similar to life here in the US.

Bill Gates actually earns thousands less than any of his employees. In fact,
I think he is the lowest paid employee in the entire company. His annual
wage is $1. Of course, he makes up for it on company stock. Of course, Bill
Gates no longer runs the company. There has been a new CEO for a few years.
Bill Gates spends a lot of time on his charity.

Employees who are janitors and such may make a marginal living. However, I
think the vast majority of employees, here in the US and abroad, make a
living that is above the mean and median income for their area. If any of
the employees have trouble making ends meet, I think it is rarely because
the means are not adequate. I am not saying that employees can expect a life
of luxury, however.

In this particular case, I don't see why Microsoft shouldn't employ people
who aren't in the US. Microsoft sells software to just about every country.
I think it is only fair that he employees people in every country. In
addition, Microsoft probably has nice offices overseas. And certainly
Microsoft lifts the economies of the places where they employ people,
whether it is in Washington or Hyderabad or Ireland.

Anyway, in general I agree with you. In this particular case, I think
Microsoft does ok.

Jeff

"Jeff" wrote in
news:VjoJh.1529$2%3.1432@trndny06:

Employees who are janitors and such may make a marginal
living. However, I think the vast majority of employees,
here in the US and abroad, make a living that is above the
mean and median income for their area. If any of the
employees have trouble making ends meet, I think it is
rarely because the means are not adequate. I am not saying
that employees can expect a life of luxury, however.

no, you don't understand. almost *all* the Microsoft
employees in the US are contract workers. that means they do
not get any benefits. they are paid salary, which means they
work more than 60 hours per week with no overtime pay, & their
job can be terminated at any time for any reason (like only
working 55 hours)
lee
--
Question with boldness even the existence of god; because if
there be
one, he must more approve the homage of reason than that of
blindfolded
fear. - Thomas Jefferson

You know, in general, I agree with you. If you were to say Dell, Nike,
Reebok, Ford or many other companies that have employees overseas or
outsource overseas, I would agree with you.

Although people in India and other countries where Microsoft has offices
get paid less, the buying power of the money the recieve and the standard
of living is probably similar to life here in the US.

I don't know about people who work for Microsoft in India, I suspect they do
ok, it's the Indians and other nationals that work for Microsoft in the US
that have the problems.

Bill Gates actually earns thousands less than any of his employees. In
fact, I think he is the lowest paid employee in the entire company. His
annual wage is $1. Of course, he makes up for it on company stock. Of
course, Bill Gates no longer runs the company. There has been a new CEO
for a few years. Bill Gates spends a lot of time on his charity.

true, but then the employees do not get particularly great stock options and
there is little benefit to having options if you don't have any spare money
to actually purchase them. He ends up doing a surprising amount of day to
day running, though he is supposed to be completely stepping down from that
in 2008.

Employees who are janitors and such may make a marginal living. However, I
think the vast majority of employees, here in the US and abroad, make a
living that is above the mean and median income for their area. If any of
the employees have trouble making ends meet, I think it is rarely because
the means are not adequate. I am not saying that employees can expect a
life of luxury, however.

I'm talking about educated employees, to get a visa to come from another
country, you have to have education and experience. They may make above the
mean and median for the area (but the area around Microsoft is affluent, so
possibly not), what is unfair is that they make less than a US national
doing the same job. The vasy majority of US nationals who work at microsoft
would be able to own there own home, within 10 miles of campus. Most non US
nationals live in rented apartments, when you dig deeper, they are either
being employed at a lower level than would have been attached to the job had
a US national been doing it, or being paid at the lowest amount possible
within the level.

In this particular case, I don't see why Microsoft shouldn't employ people
who aren't in the US. Microsoft sells software to just about every
country. I think it is only fair that he employees people in every
country. In addition, Microsoft probably has nice offices overseas. And
certainly Microsoft lifts the economies of the places where they employ
people, whether it is in Washington or Hyderabad or Ireland.

I agree, but I wasn't talking about those people and even in the developing
world, Microsoft employees out of the US probably do very well out of it.
I'm talking about those people that are flown into the US, given very little
information about life in the US, how much it costs to live in the US and so
on, then get here to find the simply because the cost of living is fairly
high in the area around Microsoft that they may well be worse off than
before and certainly worse off than if they had worked for Microsoft in
there home country.

I also rather suspect Bill Gates has no idea that this is even going on, it
seems to be at a middle management level that decisions about pay of new
employees are made.

Anne