Hello, way long sorry.....

I am new to you, but I have lurked here for almost 2 years. I haven't
posted for a few reasons. Caution to the wind.........
My name is Bev, I am 42 y/o single mom of two girls, oldest 22 in
college far away from home I miss her lots ! Youngest 16 this past
September and a new mother to my 2 month old granddaughter. Long past
history warms my heart with a step daughter and son both adults 30 and
26 and 3 more grandchildren 12, 7 and 1. There is a third step son that
I rather not know of (we won't discuss this now) .
I guess my reason to try to begin communicating here has a whole lot to
do with the single parent stuff we are dealing with, with my daughter
and her new baby. She and my sweet granddaughter are of course living at
home here with me. I am very happy about the baby and very proud of my
young daughter and how she has handled becoming a mother so young. When
she and her boyfriend came to me 11 months ago I think shock was what I
felt first.... not that it happened, cause heck these things do happen,
we wish not to our teens, but hey there it was and what to do was never
a question in my heart and mind. We would do everything we can to give
this baby a loving home and good stable environment. We had spent a
horrible almost 2 years going through emotional hell due to the death of
my partner and my daughters "other parent" which was all she knew for 14
years of her life. She has a father but the relationship with him is
very hard for her because he is an alcoholic. I am trying to be some
what brief with the history because it is way to much to discuss in a
single post. This baby has brought so much joy to all of us that are
involved at this point in her care. I have a live in partner that has
been a wonderful support both emotional and financial, to my
daughter,granddaughter and I. The stress has not torn us apart yet and
I am praying we will survive this change in our lives. My daughter has
returned to school as it should be,she must finish her education. So my
partner and I have filled in the blanks were baby comes in to play .
The daddy of the baby is also 16, he goes to school and works a part
time job to buy the diapers and wipes. He is at our house as often as he
can be but lives with his parents down the road. At first he seemed
afraid of the baby. He is now doing much better with helping to care for
her. It has been hard trying to keep the two teenage parents heads on
straight here and there. I guess it is that they are kids and boy do
they still think just like kids sometimes! Anyway, one of the issues we
have right now is that of support ? It is not that I see us not having
what we need to raise this baby up until these kids grow up and can give
her a home and security on their own and I do hope this will happen in
the next couple of years ( they seem to get it) ! My question is he is a
boy of 16 ? Shouldn't his parents be helping to support this baby as I
have as the maternal grandmother ? I have managed to get the baby on my
health insurance and we have WIC for formula, financially things are not
horrible, but what if they don't stay together? Shouldn't someone be
putting some money away for this babies security and well being? This I
can't do. Am I thinking right to feel that his parents should be doing
something here ?????? I don't want to stress these kids into an
argument between them and if it weren't for the fact that his parents
are doing nothing to help, I mean it is even expected for us to send
formula when they do take the baby every other weekend ? Do I leave it
go ? Advice is needed please. Thanks for your time. Bev

Am I thinking right to feel that his parents should be doing
something here ??????

You can feel whatever you want, but you can't make them help. And truth be
told, it's not his parent's responsiblity, nor is it yours. It's the kids.
And it's only gonna get more and more awkward, as you take on more
responsiblity, you are going to want more control of the situation (which is
only normal) but the fact is, unless your daughter gives up custudy, you have
no control. She's going to things you think are wrong and not good for the
baby and you may be right or you may be wrong, but it won't matter. You aren't
the parent. She is.

I'm not saying it's not a great thing that you are stepping in for this child,
but it's gonna get dicey and if his parents haven't stepped up to the plate by
now, they probably aren't going to.

Good luck.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

Hello, way long sorry.....

Group: alt.support.single-parents Date: Sun, Feb 15, 2004, 8:35pm
(EST+5) From: oaway (Joelle)


Am I thinking right to feel that his parents should be doing something
here ??????

-------------
You can feel whatever you want, but you can't make them help. And truth
be told, it's not his parent's responsiblity, nor is it yours. It's the
kids.

Hello Joelle, Thanks for responding, Yeah it is the kids responsibility,
I think I have known that but seem to keep coming back to how the heck
can/will they be able to do it on their own ? They just haven't got the
ability at their age to . I know I took the responsibility to help them
and just could not see another way that would be acceptable to me I
guess. ( adoption or abortion were never a choice for me) So I see where
I made this decision to at least be financially responsible until the
kids finish school and can work and find their way out into the big bad
world ,ya know?

--------------------------
unless your daughter gives up custody, you have no control.

Hmmmmmm no control is probably more of the problem for me huh?
------------------------
You aren't the parent. She is.

Yep you are right, and it is so difficult to have to let your child
struggle through the hard stuff, but that is how they grow.

-----------------------
I'm not saying it's not a great thing that you are stepping in for this
child, but it's gonna get dicey and if his parents haven't stepped up to
the plate by now, they probably aren't going to.

right again Joelle, They won't be and I guess again I am just ticked
about their lack of consideration . I guess I should of realised after
his mother refused to attend the baby shower that things would be this
way. My daughter has mentioned "child support" from her boyfriend and I
was truthful to her .....I said" it is your right to do so but think it
through it could cause a problem with him and his parents." So far she
has let it be. He does buy the babies diapers and wipes which does help
a great deal. This is so hard for me to stand back and I thank you for
your honesty with me.
----------------

Good luck.

Thanks! Bev
Joelle

The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

On Sun, 15 Feb 2004 17:47:25 -0500 (EST), (Bebe
lestrnge) wrote:


(Joelle wrote...)

I'm not saying it's not a great thing that you are stepping in for this
child, but it's gonna get dicey and if his parents haven't stepped up to
the plate by now, they probably aren't going to.

(then Bebe wrote...)

right again Joelle, They won't be and I guess again I am just ticked
about their lack of consideration . I guess I should of realised after
his mother refused to attend the baby shower that things would be this
way. My daughter has mentioned "child support" from her boyfriend and I
was truthful to her .....I said" it is your right to do so but think it
through it could cause a problem with him and his parents." So far she
has let it be. He does buy the babies diapers and wipes which does help
a great deal. This is so hard for me to stand back and I thank you for
your honesty with me.

The other grandparents may believe that they're doing the right thing
by not helping out, thereby forcing the parents to face their
responsibility. They may believe that you are keeping the parents from
growing up by helping out. It doesn't sound like that's the case, but
parenting styles differ greatly.

Certainly the father should be doing more than buying diapers and
wipes. If you are helping them out so as not to make waves between the
families, and she is learning from you that she should not expect the
father to do his part so as not to make waves between the families,
you and your daughter will be on your own with this little one in no
time. She needs to speak up for her child's needs and your support
(moral support, not doing it for her) in that regard would probably be
very helpful to her.

lm

Hello, way long sorry.....

Group: alt.support.single-parents Date: Sun, Feb 15, 2004, 7:08pm
(EST-1) From: ('Kate)
On Sun, 15 Feb 2004 13:02:53 -0500 (EST), (Bebe
lestrnge)
I am new to you, but I have lurked here for almost 2 years. I haven't
posted for a few reasons. Caution to the wind......... snip
Bev


Hi and welcome,

Hello 'Kate, thanks for the welcome .
------
There's a difference between what is morally right and what is legally
right. I don't think you can make the other grandparents support their
son's child. The son was adult enough to make the baby, he is
responsible for part of the child's support.

I understand about the moral and legal differences and I am struggling
with how to guide my daughter in the right direction. She has said in
anger to her b/f that his parents do nothing to help and hers do
everything , I heard this and felt good that she sees all we do and sad
for Jimmy cause I know it is not his doing but his parents . He does try
but again what he is doing is limited . By his parents I understand.
They take his money and allow him limits as to when he can be here,
which totally ticks off my daughter. She is having a hard time accepting
that at 16 this is the way it has to be for them. Every cent he spends
on the baby they want receipts for and he has to ask them for his money
The mother has clearly stated she is embarrassed of the baby? Bugs me
to no end.... heck it is 2004 ! What is there to be ashamed of ? Anyway,
I am leaning towards suggesting to Sara to get legal custody of the baby
and seek legal support from Jimmy so this crap can stop.
He wont have to ask his parents for diaper money and my daughter won't
have to ask him either. Legally that is the way , I just wish it didn't
have to be that way.
---------------


Perhaps some of what's going on is the result of a gap between your
daughter and the parents of the father or the father and his parents. If
you can improve communications, they may step up to the plate themselves
without being asked.

Communications are lacking and we do need to improve them !
------------------
Maybe they don't know what formula to buy. Maybe they should know
because the baby is there every other weekend... but since the formula
was provided once, they've come to expect that you'll send it every time
or they just never thought about it. The thing is... the son should be
involved a bit more where his parents are concerned. He knows what his
child needs and he should be providing it either himself or through his
parents just as your daughter is.

Oh they know the kind of formula , they asked outright the very first
time they took Jaime for a can and ask every time for it. My daughter
who usually isn't afraid of anything seems to be intimidated by his
mother. I think this is where the communication is lacking. She is a
very loud woman and it appears everyone gives her her way including my
daughter Argh!!!!! Do I step in now ? Do I communicate what my daughter
can not ? See this is where I am the most frustrated. I know what needs
to be done but I am not the babies mother..........my daughter is and my
daughter is also a child. Adult enough to get her life into this twist
but not old enough to deal with the just negotiations with the others
involved.
----------------

Your partner is being wonderful about all of this for stepping in to
fill in the gaps. I'm glad that you're sticking by your daughter and her
new family. Teen parents need all the help and emotional support that
they can get.

Yeah , I am grateful for the person Mari is, the sacrifices she has made
in all of this outweigh any of my own. She changed her work schedule and
now works 3 to 11 p.m. so she can take care of Jaime while Sara is in
school and I am at work, life is hectic but life is good. These teen
parents have much love and support coming their way I hope they realise
how hard this could of been without supportive parents .
----------------

Good luck figuring this out.
'Kate

Thanks 'Kate good luck is exactly what I need. Bev

She has said in
anger to her b/f that his parents do nothing to help and hers do
everything , I heard this and felt good that she sees all we do and sad

See, seeing her resent her boyfriend because her mom does more than his parents
should not make you feel good. It should worry you. What that child needs is
stable mother and father, together if possible. Already this is a bad set up
for the father- he's set up to be a failure compared to his girlfriend's
mother. This is going to make him resent you, resent her, and maybe even
withdraw more from his child because he feels he can't live up.

You probably should stop advising your daughter, treat her like the adult she
needs to be, but if you are going to advise her tell her to stop ragging on her
boyfriend and instead give him positive feedback for what he does do for the
family.

She is having a hard time accepting
that at 16 this is the way it has to be for them

I know it's hard to make them see that before the baby comes. But yea, that's
her life. She gives up a lot. But help her see what she gains.


I am leaning towards suggesting to Sara to get legal custody of the baby
and seek legal support from Jimmy so this crap can stop.

I think you need to stay out of it.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

"Bebe lestrnge" wrote in message
...

I am leaning towards suggesting to Sara to get legal custody of the baby

Isn't Sara the baby's mother? Then doesn't she already have legal custody?
Or am I missing something?

Joy

Hello, way long sorry.....

Group: alt.support.single-parents Date: Mon, Feb 16, 2004, 2:02am
(EST+5) From: (lm)



The other grandparents may believe that they're doing the right thing by
not helping out, thereby forcing the parents to face their
responsibility. They may believe that you are keeping the parents from
growing up by helping out. It doesn't sound like that's the case, but
parenting styles differ greatly.

I hope what we are doing is to help the kids finish high school at the
least, I know there is a fine line here and we need to allow them to
have the most responsibility with the baby as often as possible. Yes
they need to grow up and fast if they are going to be able to give this
baby a stable home sometime in the next couple of years. If they are
doing this to teach the kids the responsibility.... they have blown it
big time, cause they hold this young mans money from him and that alone
to me says they don't trust him with his own earnings????? and all he
wants to do is buy baby stuff?????? He is very well mannered and seems
to be responsible to me.... they wont give him that and I see that as
wrong. I think that interferes with his growth .
----------
Certainly the father should be doing more than buying diapers and wipes.
If you are helping them out so as not to make waves between the
families, and she is learning from you that she should not expect the
father to do his part so as not to make waves between the families, you
and your daughter will be on your own with this little one in no time.
She needs to speak up for her child's needs and your support (moral
support, not doing it for her) in that regard would probably be very
helpful to her.
lm

You are so right on here and I thank you for your input, Sara does need
to stand up and speak up for what she needs from Jimmy and he needs to
do the same with his folks and I need to just stay sober !!!!!!
Thanks again, Bev

"lm" wrote in message
...
On Sun, 15 Feb 2004 17:47:25 -0500 (EST), (Bebe
lestrnge) wrote:


(Joelle wrote...)

I'm not saying it's not a great thing that you are stepping in for this
child, but it's gonna get dicey and if his parents haven't stepped up
to
the plate by now, they probably aren't going to.

(then Bebe wrote...)

right again Joelle, They won't be and I guess again I am just ticked
about their lack of consideration . I guess I should of realised after
his mother refused to attend the baby shower that things would be this
way. My daughter has mentioned "child support" from her boyfriend and I
was truthful to her .....I said" it is your right to do so but think it
through it could cause a problem with him and his parents." So far she
has let it be. He does buy the babies diapers and wipes which does help
a great deal. This is so hard for me to stand back and I thank you for
your honesty with me.

The other grandparents may believe that they're doing the right thing
by not helping out, thereby forcing the parents to face their
responsibility. They may believe that you are keeping the parents from
growing up by helping out. It doesn't sound like that's the case, but
parenting styles differ greatly.

Certainly the father should be doing more than buying diapers and
wipes. If you are helping them out so as not to make waves between the
families, and she is learning from you that she should not expect the
father to do his part so as not to make waves between the families,
you and your daughter will be on your own with this little one in no
time. She needs to speak up for her child's needs and your support
(moral support, not doing it for her) in that regard would probably be
very helpful to her.

lm


And how much is the child's mother 'helping' out. The father has a part
time job to help pay expenses....does she?

"Paul Fritz" wrote in message
...


And how much is the child's mother 'helping' out. The father has a part
time job to help pay expenses....does she?


Actually Paul, good point. When I figured what to ask for child support, it
was not to support me but the kids.
I figured I am responsible for half. The other parent is too.
So why is child support 33%?
Go get your calculator out now and let me know.
Vicky