Is having kids worth it?

Hi,
I am a Mum to an 8 yr old only. She is the light of my life and I wouldn't
be without her for the world. For a LONG time I never wanted another as I
found the toddler stage particularly difficult and I did not want to have to
do that again, having to watch them every second of the day, the tantrums,
the potty training.

DD is in full time school now and I am a SAHM. DH works shifts, so it's
great on his days off as we can go for lunch alone a lot and things. Things
are getting so much easier, in fact my life is quite calm and peaceful.
Apart from a few money worries (who ever has enough money) things are great.

However lately I have been seeing all these Mums with their grown up kids
and thinking "hey wouldn't it be fun to have all those ready made friends
when I am older" I see Moms with their adult kids laughing and joking and
get jealous that I will only ever have one relationship of that type.

I really have no desire to have another baby, but I DO want adult children,
does that made sense??? My question is do you think giving up another 20
years of my life to get to the stage where I have adult kids is worth it? I
really hate the lack of freedom having kids brings BUT I do not want to get
to 50 and regret not having more adult kids.

Although I found the baby toddler stage a strain I would not be without my
DD for a minute and would go through it 100 rimes over just to have her in
my life. My friend says you NEVER regret having your kids..is she right?

All of my friends with babies and toddlers say have another BUT some of my
friends who have teens or adult kids say if they had to do it over they
wouldn't have any or just one. Any advice from those of you who have been
there and done that???

"Sue" wrote in message
...

All of my friends with babies and toddlers say have another BUT some of my
friends who have teens or adult kids say if they had to do it over they
wouldn't have any or just one. Any advice from those of you who have been
there and done that???


I believe that the problem stems from why you would choose to have another
child.

Having children doesn't guarantee that you will have a wonderful
relationship when they are adults. Of course, there's a good chance that you
will, but to have children with that goal in mind, it would be very
difficult for you if that doesn't happen.

I, too, see those relationships around me and I so hope that I will have the
same thing so I do think that I know what you mean.

I have three (17, 15 and just about 13).
Would I do it again? Most times, I say yes. Would I do three again? don't
know. If I had stopped at two, I wouldn't have my happy-go-lucky sweetheart,
my third one. It would have been easier in terms of $$ because of choices we
made, but the joy he brings us is immeasurable. However, we didn't know that
before we had him. Could I have stopped at one? Possibly, but then I
personally wouldn't have felt "finished" in that, if I had the choice, I
wanted more than one child.

What would I suggest to you? DON'T listen to your friends. They are not you.
They are not married to your husband, they are not living your life. They
are doing what is right for them. Listen to yourself and your husband. If
you want a child because you want another child, warts and all, then do it.
If you want one because you want a future relationship that may not ever
happen, or because friends are telling you to, you may be making a mistake.

Marijke, in Montreal

Sue wrote:

I really have no desire to have another baby, but I DO want adult children,
does that made sense??? My question is do you think giving up another 20
years of my life to get to the stage where I have adult kids is worth it? I
really hate the lack of freedom having kids brings BUT I do not want to get
to 50 and regret not having more adult kids.

Well, I agree that having adult children with whom
you have a good relationship is a very nice thing. However,
you have to invest a *lot* to get there. Personally, I'm
not all that fond of the toddler and most of the preschooler
phase, but that's a heck of a lot shorter than most of
childhood! Also, while rearing a child only takes up
20-ish years of *your* life, that child-rearing experience
is the foundation of the child's *whole* life. I can't
help but wonder if having a parent who's paying their
dues for that whole phase wouldn't rather shortchange
a child, and perhaps end up with a situation where the
adult relationship isn't all you'd hoped for anyway.
I'm not saying that you would bring a child into the
world and then not at least try to do right by him or
her, but I think kids can sense when their parents are
stressed out and maybe even somewhat resentful over
child rearing. And while there is less of that hands
on caregiving as kids get older, the teen years aren't
exactly a cakewalk.
Anyway, I don't think you can just "suck it
up" for 20 years in order to have adult kids. That
just doesn't sound fair to me (to you, or to the
children). Personally, I'd want to feel more near-term
enthusiasm than that before committing to having a
child.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Sue" wrote in message
...
Hi,
I am a Mum to an 8 yr old only. She is the light of my life and I wouldn't
be without her for the world. For a LONG time I never wanted another as I
found the toddler stage particularly difficult and I did not want to have
to
do that again, having to watch them every second of the day, the tantrums,
the potty training.

DD is in full time school now and I am a SAHM. DH works shifts, so it's
great on his days off as we can go for lunch alone a lot and things.
Things
are getting so much easier, in fact my life is quite calm and peaceful.
Apart from a few money worries (who ever has enough money) things are
great.

However lately I have been seeing all these Mums with their grown up kids
and thinking "hey wouldn't it be fun to have all those ready made friends
when I am older" I see Moms with their adult kids laughing and joking and
get jealous that I will only ever have one relationship of that type.

If you want to have these types of relationships with young adults, become
a mentor. There are many organizations that can use your skills.

Do you really want to spend $250,000 and 20 years of your life for this?

Anyway, to become a parent just so you can have a parent/adult child
relationship is the wrong reason.

Jeff

"Sue" wrote in message
...
Any advice from those of you who have been
there and done that???


I only have one -- a daughter (12 at the end of July), so I can't offer you
any words of wisdom based on the experience of having more, but one thing I
accepted and have had further emphasized by that experience I *do* have is
that having children, though requiring an eye to the future, is very much a
task requiring living in the present. You cannot even hope to build a future
on the promise of adult children unless you invest ALL of yourself in the
whole process -- it is that level of attention and love that builds such a
relationship, and, tragically for some, the promise of adult children is
still never fullfilled.


--
"There are 10 kinds of people in the world:
those who understand binary numbers and those who don't."
-----------------------------
Byron "Barn" Canfield

"Sue" wrote in message ...


All of my friends with babies and toddlers say have another BUT some of my
friends who have teens or adult kids say if they had to do it over they
wouldn't have any or just one. Any advice from those of you who have been
there and done that???


As far as people valuing their adult kids my experience of observing
the elderly is that most people (unless they wanted more and just
couldn't have them) seem reasonably comfortable with how many they
decided to have. I suspect that it is one of the self protective bits
of the human psyche that stops us beating ourselves up over things we
can no longer change. So have as many or as few as you want, when you
are 60 years old it will all seem just as it should be.

"Sue" wrote in message
...
I really have no desire to have another baby, but I DO want adult
children,
does that made sense??? My question is do you think giving up another 20
years of my life to get to the stage where I have adult kids is worth it?
I
really hate the lack of freedom having kids brings BUT I do not want to
get
to 50 and regret not having more adult kids.

It sounds rather selfish to me to be having kids so you will have friends.
If they don't turn out to be the friends you want, you might be rather
resentful of having wasted all those years. Not fair to the child, IMO.

There are no guarantees in life, of course. But don't overlook another
thing- that when you have an only child, you are that child's center
of focus. A sibling would provide a companion, interaction, and
sharing for the child you have now. I would suggest another, but it's
not my life, it's yours and theirs.-Jitney

On Thu, 15 Jul 2004 05:44:29 GMT, "toypup"
wrote:


"Sue" wrote in message
...
I really have no desire to have another baby, but I DO want adult
children,
does that made sense??? My question is do you think giving up another 20
years of my life to get to the stage where I have adult kids is worth it?
I
really hate the lack of freedom having kids brings BUT I do not want to
get
to 50 and regret not having more adult kids.

It sounds rather selfish to me to be having kids so you will have friends.
If they don't turn out to be the friends you want, you might be rather
resentful of having wasted all those years. Not fair to the child, IMO.

Let me say that my grown children have grown up to be great kids and
friends. HOWEVER, I agree that was not the reason I had them, nor is
it the reason to have children in my opionon.

To Sue, why do you want adult children? Companionship, to care for
you in your old age???????

Barb

"Sue" wrote in message ...


However lately I have been seeing all these Mums with their grown up kids
and thinking "hey wouldn't it be fun to have all those ready made friends
when I am older" I see Moms with their adult kids laughing and joking and
get jealous that I will only ever have one relationship of that type.

There are other ways to acquire adult children. One that comes to mind
is to host an exchange student for a year. Chances are they will live
far away when you are 50, but so might your own children.

When I was a teenager/young adult, my family hosted 3 exchange
students, two from Europe and one from south america. Two were for a
year each, and one was for about 9 months. My parents have ongoing
relationships with each of them, and one is quite emotionally close.

We hosted them through AFS (http://www.afs.org/AFSI/) but there are
lots of programs out there.

Jan