question about fathers being present at appointments...

Vicky Bilaniuk wrote:

I'm wondering if people think (or heck even *know*, if are studies) that
it's commonplace for fathers to attend midwife or OB appointments with
the mothers.

DH only went with me to the appointments where we were going to do
ultrasounds. Afterwards he'd take me out to a big breakfast to celebrate
getting to see our little one.

"Vicky Bilaniuk" wrote in message
. ..
I'm wondering if people think (or heck even *know*, if are studies) that
it's commonplace for fathers to attend midwife or OB appointments with
the mothers.

Depends. My hubby *needs* to meet any caregivers I have because if things
get to the point where we'll call them, he's going to be doing most of the
talking, because if I'm bad off enough that I need one of them, I won't be
particularly rational.

My daughter's father came to many of my appointments, not all, but most. He
was *not* the best or brightest when it came to actual supportive partner,
but still did the visits without much pressure from me.

The reason why I'm wondering is because I always thought
it was *not* commonplace, but DH always thought that it was. Now, we're
both basing our beliefs on personal experiences, of course, and for DH
in particular, he just can't believe that a father wouldn't go. Anyway,
I had to give him the heartbreaking news of what *I* think, today, but I
quickly reminded him that I absolutely love the fact that he comes with
me to every single appointment (well he missed one, and that's the one
where my midwife jumped all over the chance to ask me about his
behaviour towards me).

What brought this on was that we're both pretty sure that the midwife
behaves differently towards him than she does towards me, but we're not
sure why. I can't put my finger on it at all, but he thinks she's
uncomfortable around him. She doesn't let that get in the way of
anything (she seems very professional), but of course it makes us wonder
why she would be uncomfortable in the first place. So as you can
probably guess, *I* think it's because she's probably not used to having
the fathers there with the mothers. Sure enough, whenever we're there,
we don't see too many fathers (although we do see some).

This raises a red flag for me, but then again, I just had a midwife fire me
because she was uncomfortable with my husband. He wasn't all that wild about
her either, and ultimately, *I* need him to be comfortable with the midwife.
We're meeting a new midwife next week, and instead of meeting at her house
or a neutral location, we're meeting at *his* office because I want him
comfortable. If she can step into his world and be comfortable with him,
then she's right for us.

All that aside, I think that midwives probably *should* take the time to ask
a mom about the relationship when the father is not around. My midwife with
my daughter totally missed the fact that our relationship was in serious
trouble, that he was emotionally abusive, etc. Completely took her by
surprise when I told her about it a couple months after the birth. That
said, I do think that if things are good, midwives need to treat dads with
respect.

I found that the midwife who fired me was extremely disrespectful of my
husband's ability to advocate for me. He was uncomfortable at her house, in
her living room, sharing personal information while other clients and her
family buzzed through at random. He was rather brusque about it, but polite
in insisting that any future meetings happen in more private locations. She
took that, combined with the fact that he defers to me on most of the
childbearing decisions, to mean that he wasn't a strong advocate for me.
Which couldn't be farther from the truth...hell, his *job* in life is to be
an advocate for people, he's a lawyer! She actually thought that a random
midwifery student I'd never met would be a critical advocate for me in a
simple doctor visit. Which is bizarre, because I'm a really good advocate
for myself, PLUS I took my mother (who is a retired attorney and has been my
advocate in more medical situations than I can count) *and* my husband with
me. Maybe many women would have needed a doula-type advocate in the
situation I was in, but hell, I *was* a doula, and combined with that, my
mother and my husband, you don't get much more advocated-for.

Women in pregnancy and birth range from having extraordinarily supportive
partners to having jerk guys who won't look up from the football game while
their child is being born. And everything in between. Midwives have to form
their opinions of these guys from brief interactions in atypical situations.
They tend to "categorize" guys into certain types, and sometimes once
they've done that, there's no budging the midwife's opinion. So this midwife
saw my hubby as brusque, not realizing that he has aspergers and was
completely, totally overwhelmed by the combination of new environment and
trying to carry on a deeply personal and emotional conversation in a chaotic
environment. What she didn't see is how he babies me at home, the gentle man
who gets up early on Sundays to clean the kitchen, the funny filker, the
activist.

For us, it is vitally important that whoever is our backup work well with my
husband, respect him, and be able to form enough of a relationship with him
that if he needs to call for advice for whatever reason, she'll know how
most effectively to give it. So having a midwife who thinks he's a clod who
can't back up his wife and doesn't respect her is just, well,
counterproductive.

Jenrose

"Tori M." wrote in message
...

*I* think it's because she's probably not used to having
the fathers there with the mothers. Sure enough, whenever we're there,
we don't see too many fathers (although we do see some).

My husband has been to all but maybe 2 or 3 midwife/ dr/ sonogram
appointments that I have had in both of my pregnancies... I thought it was
common for the husband to go... Though i have seen a *watch list* for
abusive behaviors and going to all OB apointments is actualy one of them..
I
thought that was odd.


One of the reasons I don't plan on a hospital birth is that the hospital
here has a routine policy of separating the laboring mother from the father
at admission to grill her on whether he's beating her up. Honestly, if I'm
going into the hospital, things are going to be traumatic enough without
having my main support person taken from me for 20 minutes *while I'm
laboring* to satisfy their requirements.

They'd get a lot farther if they ask questions like that after the birth,
when things are calmed down.

Or better yet, let the caregivers do it at visits....

Jenrose

"Vicky Bilaniuk" wrote
I'm wondering if people think (or heck even *know*, if are studies) that
it's commonplace for fathers to attend midwife or OB appointments with
the mothers.

My DH came to the first two appointments with me because I had a u/s
scheduled for each of those. He didn't come to the next few and then he did
come to the last few, the weekly appointements. I was glad that he did,
because it meant that he was present when the doctor and I had our
disagreements about early elective c/s for non-emergencies :-). It seemed
that the other couples in the waiting room did something similar, father
attended the early appointments and the later ones but not the boring ones
in the middle :-).

Where I found a problem was finding an ante-natal class that he could
attend. The hospital classes were in the middle of the day and fathers were
only permitted to attend the last of them. We paid for private classes
which were held in the evening and fathers were expected to attend (though
for various reasons, I think my DH was the only one who attended all the
sesssions).

Jean

Vicky Bilaniuk wrote:
I'm wondering if people think (or heck even *know*, if are studies) that
it's commonplace for fathers to attend midwife or OB appointments with
the mothers.

Hi Vicky,

My husband has been coming with me to the biggie appointments, like the
initial appointment and the ultrasounds, and he took off work and drove
me in when I had my little bout of spotting/cramping at 11 weeks. All
the regular appointments I didn't see the point in him missing work just
to watch me get weighed and have my BP checked, although he generally
sends at least one question with me for my OB. I noticed a few men in
the waiting room with their wives this past time around; one woman was
filling out paperwork so I figure it was the first appointment, and the
other woman was visibly pregnant so I figure it was ultrasound day.

Among my friends, their husbands all attended at least the ultrasounds
as well. I can't think of a husband who didn't. I'm sure some men are
squeamish about things like that, but a friend of mine said that
attending the doctor visits made him feel like more of an active
participant in the process and less like a cheerleader or bystander who
was just watching his wife be pregnant. He also said he was delighted
when it came time to paint the nursery and assemble the crib because he
finally felt useful, like he could do something for their baby for a
change.

Could be that your midwife is just more woman-centric and surprised by
your husband's involvement, and was just not expecting him to be as
involved as he is. Someone around here publishes a midwife guide that
features one-page bios of a lot of different local midwives, and I
noticed that the vast majority of the interviews were focused on the
mom, and only a couple mentioned working with a father or the couple.
Sure, Mom is important, as she's doing a *LOT* of hard work, but the man
is having a child also. I'm pleased for you that your husband is
supportive and wanting to experience everything along with you by
attending the midwife visits.

-Rebecca
Girl-baby coming around December 2

Jenrose wrote:
"Tori M." wrote in message
...

*I* think it's because she's probably not used to having

the fathers there with the mothers. Sure enough, whenever we're there,
we don't see too many fathers (although we do see some).

My husband has been to all but maybe 2 or 3 midwife/ dr/ sonogram
appointments that I have had in both of my pregnancies... I thought it was
common for the husband to go... Though i have seen a *watch list* for
abusive behaviors and going to all OB apointments is actualy one of them..

I

thought that was odd.



One of the reasons I don't plan on a hospital birth is that the hospital
here has a routine policy of separating the laboring mother from the father
at admission to grill her on whether he's beating her up. Honestly, if I'm
going into the hospital, things are going to be traumatic enough without
having my main support person taken from me for 20 minutes *while I'm
laboring* to satisfy their requirements.

Wow. Our hospital didn't ask any of those questions to either of us,
at the hospital before the birth or afterward. In fact my caregivers
never questioned me about it either, and DH didn't come to my
appointments this time, so there was plenty of opportunity without him
there.

Mary

I can't tell you any statistics just my own personal experiences.
With DS, DH came to some of the appointments but not very many. He
was there when we first heard the heartbeat, the ultrasound and when
we were discussing possible inductions when I was overdue. He was not
at the routine appointments. He did not go to my first appointment
with this baby and I can't imagine he'll go until there is a reason
to. I have no problem with him going but it doesn't bother me if he
doesn't. I think either way is great as long as both parties are
happy with the arrangement.

Shelley
mom to Jacob (2.5)
edd mar 30/05




Vicky Bilaniuk wrote in message ...
I'm wondering if people think (or heck even *know*, if are studies) that
it's commonplace for fathers to attend midwife or OB appointments with
the mothers. The reason why I'm wondering is because I always thought
it was *not* commonplace, but DH always thought that it was. Now, we're
both basing our beliefs on personal experiences, of course, and for DH
in particular, he just can't believe that a father wouldn't go. Anyway,
I had to give him the heartbreaking news of what *I* think, today, but I
quickly reminded him that I absolutely love the fact that he comes with
me to every single appointment (well he missed one, and that's the one
where my midwife jumped all over the chance to ask me about his
behaviour towards me).

What brought this on was that we're both pretty sure that the midwife
behaves differently towards him than she does towards me, but we're not
sure why. I can't put my finger on it at all, but he thinks she's
uncomfortable around him. She doesn't let that get in the way of
anything (she seems very professional), but of course it makes us wonder
why she would be uncomfortable in the first place. So as you can
probably guess, *I* think it's because she's probably not used to having
the fathers there with the mothers. Sure enough, whenever we're there,
we don't see too many fathers (although we do see some).

"Vicky Bilaniuk" wrote in message
I'm wondering if people think (or heck even *know*, if are studies) that
it's commonplace for fathers to attend midwife or OB appointments with
the mothers. The reason why I'm wondering is because I always thought
it was *not* commonplace, but DH always thought that it was.

When I was having babies (my kids are 11, 9 and 7) it was rare for a dad
come to visits. Sometimes they were there, but it wasn't often. I think
there are more dads to go to visits these days. My husband only came if
there was an ultrasound being done. I didn't particularly want my husband
there because there wasn't much happening at my visits. I pee on a stick,
take my blood pressure, the docs answered any questions (which if I had any
or my husband had any, we just asked) and left. Also at the time of our
kids, he couldn't take much time off of work. So it really didn't bother me
at all that he didn't come.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"Jenrose" wrote in message
One of the reasons I don't plan on a hospital birth is that the hospital
here has a routine policy of separating the laboring mother from the
father
at admission to grill her on whether he's beating her up.

I have never been asked whether I was abused in either of my three births
born in the hospital. I find that really strange. And during the hospital
stay, my husband stayed with me the entire time, except he didn't sleep
there, which I didn't really want him to anyway.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"Jenrose" wrote in message
This raises a red flag for me, but then again, I just had a midwife fire
me
because she was uncomfortable with my husband.

Well I just have to say that your husband is a lawyer, your a noncompliant
patient who has many risk factors and you have a poor opinion of hospitals
and doctors. It's no wonder the midwife fired you. You have lawsuit written
all over you and the midwife didn't want to get in the middle of all of that
and perhaps risk losing her license. I can't say that I blame the midwife at
all.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)