MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!

On Oct 21, 12:05 pm, toypup wrote:
On 21 Oct 2007 05:53:58 -0700, Banty wrote:

You know what helped me as a single mom of a six year old (as well as him)?
Getting involved in Cub Scouts. Not only did it give him a set of activities
every week and month that six year olds love and a bunch of friends, but it also
gave ME a good look at what actual young boys really act like. That will also
give you contacts with other parents with boys your age. For friends for him
from generally good families attentive and involved with their kids, and for
advice for you.

That's actually quite true. When I see DS in the Tiger Cubs, he is
acutally quite well behaved. What he does do is normal. Before that, I was
worried he was misbehaving too much.

Thank you, I was beginning to wonder if I was the only parent who
wondered if their child was misbehaving a lot. I want the best for my
son and I want him to be a child unlike the children you see in some
public places that act out and are disrespectful. I don't know what a
normal 6yr old boy is like so it's nice to hear that his behavior is
normal for his age.

On Oct 21, 3:34 pm, "
wrote:
On Oct 21, 4:58 am, Kristina wrote:



I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his
criminal biological father. My son is a great kid (normally) but
recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. When he was in
kindergarten last year he acted out and that was attributed to some
things going on between my husband and I. Now in the first grade he
has started the same behavior and it is driving me nuts. Last year we
talked to him about what was going on, punished him from some things
and the situation got better. This year taking away the things he
loves isn't seeming to work. He is used to it so it doesn't bother
him now and I am left figuring out how to change his behavior. In
school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper
but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his
behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just
seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we
are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning
and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants
to do anyway. When he is good and follows all the rules he gets
rewarded with something special and I praise him for good behavior.
Lately that seems to not help, he lies about the dumbest of things and
I cannot for the life of me figure out if this is a phase or if it's
heredity. I have spanked him on occasion but spanking isn't a lasting
form of discipline. I was spanked as a child and although I turned
out fine, it only hurts for a bit and then once the pain is gone it's
like no big deal. I honestly do not know what to do. Although I am
not a single parent I am the primary disciplinarian, my husband is his
step-father (but the only father my son knows) and he steps in every
so often but not as much as I would like. He doesn't really
discipline his own kids and some of the behavior my son exhibits is
the same as his step brothers and sisters and even his biological
brothers and sisters. I understand I am his mother and it is my
responsibility but sometimes I am at my wits end and need more help
than I am given. So, that's what got me here! I know they say
raising boys isn't as easy as raising girls so I am pleading to those
of you who have raised or are raising boys and know what I am going
through, PLEASE HELP ME!!! Like I said before my son is a GREAT kid
and he's loving and is respectful but when he's in school he just
wants to act a damn fool. So I welcome ANY and ALL suggestions you
may have on how to get through this and deal with it so that his
behavior improves. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY 6, WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN HE'S A TEEN? OMG!

The behaviors you are describing does not sound criminal except if
there is something you are not telling us. Six years olds seem to go
through a sound type of terrible twos stage. They want their own way
and feel like they know and can do everything etc. And they start
picking sides more at this point. You will find that they wilI act
totally different with different people. Your son has chosen you and
they usually tend to pick the mother over school. Any one he spends
the most time with. They tend to identify with those they are around
the most. I know of six year olds like this. You are not alone. I do
no think your son inherited his fathers criminal genes. It may just
be that your negative view of his father may be affecting him.

How you treat your son now will definitely have an effect on your son
later. Parents should not change their expectations of their children
just because they are older. Basically teach your child to clean his
room now and later it will be a habit. You know the saying, "train up
a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart
from it."

travelbug
http:gatesofrighteousness.blogspot.com

I have rules and guidelines set for my son. He gets rewarded when he
follows the rules. He has to clean his room, pick up after himself,do
his home work before he is allowed to have fun. Things like that. We
have it so that he doesn't say yeah and huh he is to be respectful and
say yes and excuse me could you repeat that. I think my choice of
words in my first post have gotten me into some hot water. I am not
implying that my son is a criminal or displaying criminal behavior but
after talking to his biological father about this behavior he has
stated more than once that that is exactly what he used to do in
school and now he stays in jail more than out. He was in a catholic
school and it didn't seem to help him much. I love my little boy and
just don't want him to go down that road. I'm just a worried mother
who wants the best for her child.

Kristina wrote:

On Oct 21, 8:27 am, enigma wrote:
Kristina wrote roups.com:

I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the
behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a
great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and
be disobedient.

what does his teacher say?
from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year
old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his
criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy?
boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so
don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare
his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy.
6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making
rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats
when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with
writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of
running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet
time).
if he's only having problems at school, you need to work with
the teacher or get him into a different classroom or school.
it may just be a poor match for his learning style, or he may
have learning disabilities (non-verbal learning disability,
central processing disorder,etc)
my son is 7. he's highly energetic, & has poor but slowly
improving fine motor skills. he would be in constant trouble
if he were in public school, so i don't subject him to that
torture. i send him to a Montessori school, where he can
choose what work he wants to do within guidelines, he can work
on his own level & not have to wait for the whole class to be
on the same page (he's reading at 4th grade level & doing 3-
4th grade math. he's doing robotics, & natural science is his
favorite subject, except when it's mathg). his class is 18
kids & 2 teachers, plus music, movement, art, language,
cooking & 'guest' teachers. Montessori kids don't usually sit
at desks. they move around the room, sit on the floor or
chairs. they talk to & help each other. if they get above
grade level in a subject, they can go to the next level
classroom for part of the day (so he can go to upper el for
reading & math).
i'm sure if he went to public school he & i would be at the
principal's office almost constantly. but he's just a normal,
high-spirited boy. i encourage that. i don't want my kid being
an automaton.

the only other thing i suggest is maybe you should seek
councelling to lose that chip on your shoulder about the boy's
father. if you start thinking the poor kid is "criminal" at 6
years old, you *will* develop a self-fufilling prophecy.
oh, and talk to your current husband about disipline. give
him guidelines about what you think he should & should not do
to help you.
lee

I AT NO TIME HAVE EVER SAID THAT MY CHILD WAS A CRIMINAL OR WILL BE A
CRIMINAL!!!!!! NOR DID I SAY THAT I HATED HIS FATHER--AS A MATTER OF
FACT HIS FATHER IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND HE WILL TELL YOU
HIMSELF THAT HE IS A CRIMINAL AND HAS SPENT MOST OF HIS LIFE IN AND
OUT OF JAILS AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!

When you lead with the line ..
".. has the behavior of his criminal biological father" the logical
conclusion from that statement is that you think your son will become
a criminal and it doesn't sound like you like his father very much
either. You didn't quote the father specifically and tell us that
he calls himself a criminal, so how could we know that?.

Commenting on this statement (which you now say you misled us with) is
not attacking you.

Due to the
lifestyle his father has chosen, my son does not have any dealings
with his biological father.
snip
I thank you for everything that you have said and most of it I have
already thought myself. I posted here b/c I was hoping to get some
different ideas. BTW: I don't expect my son to turn out to be a
criminal, actually I have high hopes for him. He wants to be like his
daddy (my husband) when he grows up!

Scouts is good. But as far as sports and activity goes, you need to
think past baseball, football and soccer. Consider swimming, karate,
or bike riding. I confess I'm biased in favor of swimming, since I
used to be a coach. Parents would tell me that their children were
more focused, slept better and did better in school and at home when
they had swim practice on a regular basis. (girls as well as boys)

On Oct 22, 8:00 pm, Rosalie B. wrote:
Kristina wrote:
On Oct 21, 8:27 am, enigma wrote:
Kristina wrote roups.com:

I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the
behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a
great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and
be disobedient.

what does his teacher say?
from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year
old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his
criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy?
boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so
don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare
his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy.
6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making
rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats
when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with
writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of
running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet
time).
if he's only having problems at school, you need to work with
the teacher or get him into a different classroom or school.
it may just be a poor match for his learning style, or he may
have learning disabilities (non-verbal learning disability,
central processing disorder,etc)
my son is 7. he's highly energetic, & has poor but slowly
improving fine motor skills. he would be in constant trouble
if he were in public school, so i don't subject him to that
torture. i send him to a Montessori school, where he can
choose what work he wants to do within guidelines, he can work
on his own level & not have to wait for the whole class to be
on the same page (he's reading at 4th grade level & doing 3-
4th grade math. he's doing robotics, & natural science is his
favorite subject, except when it's mathg). his class is 18
kids & 2 teachers, plus music, movement, art, language,
cooking & 'guest' teachers. Montessori kids don't usually sit
at desks. they move around the room, sit on the floor or
chairs. they talk to & help each other. if they get above
grade level in a subject, they can go to the next level
classroom for part of the day (so he can go to upper el for
reading & math).
i'm sure if he went to public school he & i would be at the
principal's office almost constantly. but he's just a normal,
high-spirited boy. i encourage that. i don't want my kid being
an automaton.

the only other thing i suggest is maybe you should seek
councelling to lose that chip on your shoulder about the boy's
father. if you start thinking the poor kid is "criminal" at 6
years old, you *will* develop a self-fufilling prophecy.
oh, and talk to your current husband about disipline. give
him guidelines about what you think he should & should not do
to help you.
lee

I AT NO TIME HAVE EVER SAID THAT MY CHILD WAS A CRIMINAL OR WILL BE A
CRIMINAL!!!!!! NOR DID I SAY THAT I HATED HIS FATHER--AS A MATTER OF
FACT HIS FATHER IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND HE WILL TELL YOU
HIMSELF THAT HE IS A CRIMINAL AND HAS SPENT MOST OF HIS LIFE IN AND
OUT OF JAILS AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!

When you lead with the line ..
".. has the behavior of his criminal biological father" the logical
conclusion from that statement is that you think your son will become
a criminal and it doesn't sound like you like his father very much
either. You didn't quote the father specifically and tell us that
he calls himself a criminal, so how could we know that?.

Commenting on this statement (which you now say you misled us with) is
not attacking you.



Due to the
lifestyle his father has chosen, my son does not have any dealings
with his biological father.
snip
I thank you for everything that you have said and most of it I have
already thought myself. I posted here b/c I was hoping to get some
different ideas. BTW: I don't expect my son to turn out to be a
criminal, actually I have high hopes for him. He wants to be like his
daddy (my husband) when he grows up!

Scouts is good. But as far as sports and activity goes, you need to
think past baseball, football and soccer. Consider swimming, karate,
or bike riding. I confess I'm biased in favor of swimming, since I
used to be a coach. Parents would tell me that their children were
more focused, slept better and did better in school and at home when
they had swim practice on a regular basis. (girls as well as boys)

When posting my message I didn't think that I had to give the
specifics such as who said what and why this happened and so on but I
see if I am going to post in the future I have to give in depth
details! I didn't think that I needed to give details on the
background of my relationship of my sons biological father or any of
the history that goes with my life. I wrote what I wrote b/c I needed
advice outside of my family and friends. When the statement was made
in regards to being attacked it was in reference to being told that my
child has screwed up parents and what ever else. The fact of the
matter is none of you know me and the things that you say are your
opinions are just that. I do appreciate everything that everyone has
said but the fact of the matter is some of you take something and run
with it instead of asking what was meant by the statement. I want to
be a good parent and if trying to get other ideas besides spanking and
punishing my child will help me and my child then so be it. Most of
you act as if you have never had problems with your children and like
you knew everything about raising a child. Unlike the rest of you I
was not given a manual nor did i attend any classes that said this is
how to raise a totally perfect child.My son is an amazing little
person and I just want to be sure that his recent behavior is not
something that I need to be more concerned about. So if the wording I
used leads all of you to believe that I think something of my child
that I, my family and God know I don't think and/or feel then so be it-
think what you will!

In article . com, Kristina
says...

On Oct 21, 8:53 am, Banty wrote:

You know what helped me as a single mom of a six year old (as well as him)?
Getting involved in Cub Scouts. Not only did it give him a set of activities
every week and month that six year olds love and a bunch of friends, but it also
gave ME a good look at what actual young boys really act like. That will also
give you contacts with other parents with boys your age. For friends for him
from generally good families attentive and involved with their kids, and for
advice for you.

And really beware of the sefl-fulfilling prophecy effect. Behavior from a
perfectly normal six year old, not knowing that history, would be dismissed as a
six year old with a lot of energy, knowing that history, he can barely act or
speak without people thinking of that history. So I would leave that thought
behind. The only person that needs to worry about all of that would be his
physician should he ever need any evaluation.

But first get an energy outlet for him and a level-setting experience for you -
get him into Cub Scouts (he would start as a Tiger).

Banty

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I have been racking my brain for some
time now on programs for 6yr old boys. Considering I don't know many
people with 6yr old boys that actually care what is going on with
their children, it's hard for me to come up with anything. My husband
has suggested sports and not that that's a bad idea but right now my
son doesn't really have an interest in sports. How do I go about
getting him into the cub scouts? No one knows about his biological
father, everyone thinks my husband is his father and I plan to keep it
that way. My son knows, my husband knows and the biological father
knows and that's all that we need to know. I TRULY APPRECIATE THE
SUGGESTION and any others that you may have. Thank you for not
attacking me like some responses I have gotten.


http://www.joincubscouting.org/

Then call your local council.

And you're welcome

Banty

In article . com,
Kristina wrote:

In
school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper
but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his
behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just
seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we
are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning
and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants
to do anyway. When he is good and follows all the rules he gets
rewarded with something special and I praise him for good behavior.
Lately that seems to not help, he lies about the dumbest of things and
I cannot for the life of me figure out if this is a phase or if it's
heredity.

My question is: why is the teacher involving you in discipline of such
trivial things as talking and fidgeting in class? Don't they have a class
disciplinary system of some sort? AFAIAC, what happens in school stays in
school, with limited exceptions. Does the school emphasise positive
discipline? Or the teacher?

And what is this "whole 9" about learning anyway? He's six. You go to school
because you can learn and do lots of fun stuff there, and spend time with your
friends.

THe following article might provide some food for thought. It is Christian,
but most of the points the author makes can be applied by people of other
religious views.
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co.../becky/bj3.php

YOU need to figure out what reward your son is getting out of his misbehaviour
and stupid lies. The usual reward is *attention from parents*, because
misbehaviour is a guaranteed way to get it.

Lastly, if you don't want your son to act in a criminal way, don't teach him
to steal, as you claimed you were doing in another thread. If another kid
steals his pencils, that is not sufficient reason for your son to do likewise.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

Rosalie B. wrote:

Scouts is good. But as far as sports and activity goes, you need to
think past baseball, football and soccer. Consider swimming, karate,
or bike riding

...and dance and music and art and chess and tennis and
all sorts of other things. What is he drawn to?

Best wishes,
Ericka

It's disappointing these days that teachers will actually send out an
e-mail to all parents of students that reads something like "Send in
pics for our sports board, and oh by the way, I need you to speak to
your children about how noisy they have been lately in the classroom
and while walking in the halls. I'm thinking I'll need to send home
blue-notes if it doesn't improve."

Blue notes? Go ahead. At least the kids will see you mean business.
I'm wondering what ever happened to the teacher that switched off the
lights when the class got loud that gave that "look" that put the fear
of God into ya who made you put your head down on your desk until
order could be restored while you thought about what it was she
wanted, or the teacher who turned her class around from walking down
the hall to gym class, lunch, or recess, because they did not do it
the "right" way (the right way being in an orderly and quiet fashion),
or the teacher who singled out the unruly kids by placing them in the
front or back of the room. kwim?

All I can say, is now that I've been through grades K-4, it has become
painfully obvious to me which teachers are organized and who command
the proper respect from their students and those who cannot because
they simply don't want to be in "that" position. On the up side, I can
now request my second child get those teachers as we learn who they
are.



My question is: why is the teacher involving you in discipline of such
trivial things as talking and fidgeting in class? Don't they have a class
disciplinary system of some sort? AFAIAC, what happens in school stays in
school, with limited exceptions. Does the school emphasise positive
discipline? Or the teacher?

Kristina wrote:

On Oct 22, 8:00 pm, Rosalie B. wrote:


I AT NO TIME HAVE EVER SAID THAT MY CHILD WAS A CRIMINAL OR WILL BE A
CRIMINAL!!!!!! NOR DID I SAY THAT I HATED HIS FATHER--AS A MATTER OF
FACT HIS FATHER IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND HE WILL TELL YOU
HIMSELF THAT HE IS A CRIMINAL AND HAS SPENT MOST OF HIS LIFE IN AND
OUT OF JAILS AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!

When you lead with the line ..
".. has the behavior of his criminal biological father" the logical
conclusion from that statement is that you think your son will become
a criminal and it doesn't sound like you like his father very much
either. You didn't quote the father specifically and tell us that
he calls himself a criminal, so how could we know that?.

Commenting on this statement (which you now say you misled us with) is
not attacking you.

Due to the
lifestyle his father has chosen, my son does not have any dealings
with his biological father.
snip
I thank you for everything that you have said and most of it I have
already thought myself. I posted here b/c I was hoping to get some
different ideas. BTW: I don't expect my son to turn out to be a
criminal, actually I have high hopes for him. He wants to be like his
daddy (my husband) when he grows up!

Scouts is good. But as far as sports and activity goes, you need to
think past baseball, football and soccer. Consider swimming, karate,
or bike riding. I confess I'm biased in favor of swimming, since I
used to be a coach. Parents would tell me that their children were
more focused, slept better and did better in school and at home when
they had swim practice on a regular basis. (girls as well as boys)

When posting my message I didn't think that I had to give the
specifics such as who said what and why this happened and so on but I
see if I am going to post in the future I have to give in depth

No that's not it. IF you are going to make an inflammatory statement
about your child's biological father being a criminal THEN you need to
explain. But you didn't need to say anything at all about it. You
didn't need to even bring up the fact that he has a stepfather.

details! I didn't think that I needed to give details on the
background of my relationship of my sons biological father or any of
the history that goes with my life. I wrote what I wrote b/c I needed
advice outside of my family and friends. When the statement was made
in regards to being attacked it was in reference to being told that my
child has screwed up parents and what ever else. The fact of the

People said that because of what you wrote. Of course we don't know
you. We are going by what you WRITE. If you write stuff that makes
you seem screwed up, then that is what people will think. The primary
thing that made it look like that was the opening statement about "..
has the behavior of his criminal biological father" That raises red
flags and might make us think that you are just a troll.

opinions are just that. I do appreciate everything that everyone has
said but the fact of the matter is some of you take something and run
with it instead of asking what was meant by the statement. I want to

We shouldn't have to ask. If you want advice you should be accurate
and succinct in the FIRST post that you make.

be a good parent and if trying to get other ideas besides spanking and
punishing my child will help me and my child then so be it. Most of
you act as if you have never had problems with your children and like
you knew everything about raising a child. Unlike the rest of you I

We write the way we do because we DID have problems with our children
and want to try to help you so that you don't make the same mistakes
that we did.

was not given a manual nor did i attend any classes that said this is
how to raise a totally perfect child.My son is an amazing little
person and I just want to be sure that his recent behavior is not
something that I need to be more concerned about. So if the wording I
used leads all of you to believe that I think something of my child
that I, my family and God know I don't think and/or feel then so be it-
think what you will!

That sounds like you don't want any advice unless it is easy.

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
Kristina wrote:

On Oct 21, 8:27 am, enigma wrote:
Kristina wrote
roups.com:

I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the
behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a
great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and
be disobedient.

what does his teacher say?
from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year
old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his
criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy?
boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so
don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare
his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy.
6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making
rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats
when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with
writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of
running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet
time).
if he's only having problems at school, you need to work with
the teacher or get him into a different classroom or school.
it may just be a poor match for his learning style, or he may
have learning disabilities (non-verbal learning disability,
central processing disorder,etc)
my son is 7. he's highly energetic, & has poor but slowly
improving fine motor skills. he would be in constant trouble
if he were in public school, so i don't subject him to that
torture. i send him to a Montessori school, where he can
choose what work he wants to do within guidelines, he can work
on his own level & not have to wait for the whole class to be
on the same page (he's reading at 4th grade level & doing 3-
4th grade math. he's doing robotics, & natural science is his
favorite subject, except when it's mathg). his class is 18
kids & 2 teachers, plus music, movement, art, language,
cooking & 'guest' teachers. Montessori kids don't usually sit
at desks. they move around the room, sit on the floor or
chairs. they talk to & help each other. if they get above
grade level in a subject, they can go to the next level
classroom for part of the day (so he can go to upper el for
reading & math).
i'm sure if he went to public school he & i would be at the
principal's office almost constantly. but he's just a normal,
high-spirited boy. i encourage that. i don't want my kid being
an automaton.

the only other thing i suggest is maybe you should seek
councelling to lose that chip on your shoulder about the boy's
father. if you start thinking the poor kid is "criminal" at 6
years old, you *will* develop a self-fufilling prophecy.
oh, and talk to your current husband about disipline. give
him guidelines about what you think he should & should not do
to help you.
lee

I AT NO TIME HAVE EVER SAID THAT MY CHILD WAS A CRIMINAL OR WILL BE A
CRIMINAL!!!!!! NOR DID I SAY THAT I HATED HIS FATHER--AS A MATTER OF
FACT HIS FATHER IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND HE WILL TELL YOU
HIMSELF THAT HE IS A CRIMINAL AND HAS SPENT MOST OF HIS LIFE IN AND
OUT OF JAILS AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!

When you lead with the line ..
".. has the behavior of his criminal biological father" the logical
conclusion from that statement is that you think your son will become
a criminal and it doesn't sound like you like his father very much
either. You didn't quote the father specifically and tell us that
he calls himself a criminal, so how could we know that?.



I just took the statement to be a description, his biological father is a
criminal. I didn't infer anything from that about how the original poster
feels about the father or her son's future.
--
L. Miller
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