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#1
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his
criminal biological father. My son is a great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. When he was in kindergarten last year he acted out and that was attributed to some things going on between my husband and I. Now in the first grade he has started the same behavior and it is driving me nuts. Last year we talked to him about what was going on, punished him from some things and the situation got better. This year taking away the things he loves isn't seeming to work. He is used to it so it doesn't bother him now and I am left figuring out how to change his behavior. In school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants to do anyway. When he is good and follows all the rules he gets rewarded with something special and I praise him for good behavior. Lately that seems to not help, he lies about the dumbest of things and I cannot for the life of me figure out if this is a phase or if it's heredity. I have spanked him on occasion but spanking isn't a lasting form of discipline. I was spanked as a child and although I turned out fine, it only hurts for a bit and then once the pain is gone it's like no big deal. I honestly do not know what to do. Although I am not a single parent I am the primary disciplinarian, my husband is his step-father (but the only father my son knows) and he steps in every so often but not as much as I would like. He doesn't really discipline his own kids and some of the behavior my son exhibits is the same as his step brothers and sisters and even his biological brothers and sisters. I understand I am his mother and it is my responsibility but sometimes I am at my wits end and need more help than I am given. So, that's what got me here! I know they say raising boys isn't as easy as raising girls so I am pleading to those of you who have raised or are raising boys and know what I am going through, PLEASE HELP ME!!! Like I said before my son is a GREAT kid and he's loving and is respectful but when he's in school he just wants to act a damn fool. So I welcome ANY and ALL suggestions you may have on how to get through this and deal with it so that his behavior improves. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY 6, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE'S A TEEN? OMG! |
#2
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
Kristina wrote in
ups.com: I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. what does his teacher say? from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy? boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy. 6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet time). if he's only having problems at school, you need to work with the teacher or get him into a different classroom or school. it may just be a poor match for his learning style, or he may have learning disabilities (non-verbal learning disability, central processing disorder,etc) my son is 7. he's highly energetic, & has poor but slowly improving fine motor skills. he would be in constant trouble if he were in public school, so i don't subject him to that torture. i send him to a Montessori school, where he can choose what work he wants to do within guidelines, he can work on his own level & not have to wait for the whole class to be on the same page (he's reading at 4th grade level & doing 3- 4th grade math. he's doing robotics, & natural science is his favorite subject, except when it's mathg). his class is 18 kids & 2 teachers, plus music, movement, art, language, cooking & 'guest' teachers. Montessori kids don't usually sit at desks. they move around the room, sit on the floor or chairs. they talk to & help each other. if they get above grade level in a subject, they can go to the next level classroom for part of the day (so he can go to upper el for reading & math). i'm sure if he went to public school he & i would be at the principal's office almost constantly. but he's just a normal, high-spirited boy. i encourage that. i don't want my kid being an automaton. the only other thing i suggest is maybe you should seek councelling to lose that chip on your shoulder about the boy's father. if you start thinking the poor kid is "criminal" at 6 years old, you *will* develop a self-fufilling prophecy. oh, and talk to your current husband about disipline. give him guidelines about what you think he should & should not do to help you. lee |
#3
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
In article , enigma says...
Kristina wrote in oups.com: I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. what does his teacher say? from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy? boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy. 6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet time). Ditto on what Lee said, and I'd like to really warn against either looking for "criminal" traits in him, or extrapolating his current behavior to teen behavior. He is not his biological father, and there are many huge developmental changes between six and the teen years. You know what helped me as a single mom of a six year old (as well as him)? Getting involved in Cub Scouts. Not only did it give him a set of activities every week and month that six year olds love and a bunch of friends, but it also gave ME a good look at what actual young boys really act like. That will also give you contacts with other parents with boys your age. For friends for him from generally good families attentive and involved with their kids, and for advice for you. And really beware of the sefl-fulfilling prophecy effect. Behavior from a perfectly normal six year old, not knowing that history, would be dismissed as a six year old with a lot of energy, knowing that history, he can barely act or speak without people thinking of that history. So I would leave that thought behind. The only person that needs to worry about all of that would be his physician should he ever need any evaluation. But first get an energy outlet for him and a level-setting experience for you - get him into Cub Scouts (he would start as a Tiger). Banty |
#4
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
"Kristina" wrote in message ups.com... I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his criminal biological father. um .... My son is a great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. When he was in kindergarten last year he acted out and that was attributed to some things going on between my husband and I. Now in the first grade he has started the same behavior and it is driving me nuts. Last year we talked to him about what was going on, punished him from some things and the situation got better. This year taking away the things he loves isn't seeming to work. He is used to it so it doesn't bother him now and I am left figuring out how to change his behavior. In school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants to do anyway. When he is good and follows all the rules he gets rewarded with something special and I praise him for good behavior. Lately that seems to not help, he lies about the dumbest of things and I cannot for the life of me figure out if this is a phase or if it's heredity. No, it's not heredity ... it's environmental. I have spanked him on occasion but spanking isn't a lasting form of discipline. I was spanked as a child and although I turned out fine, Yet, you managed to have a child with a criminal and are having marrage problems that effect your child. Doesn't sound 'fine' to me. it only hurts for a bit and then once the pain is gone it's like no big deal. I honestly do not know what to do. Although I am not a single parent I am the primary disciplinarian, my husband is his step-father (but the only father my son knows) and he steps in every so often but not as much as I would like. He doesn't really discipline his own kids and some of the behavior my son exhibits is the same as his step brothers and sisters and even his biological brothers and sisters. I understand I am his mother and it is my responsibility but sometimes I am at my wits end and need more help Therapy than I am given. So, that's what got me here! I know they say raising boys isn't as easy as raising girls so I am pleading to those of you who have raised or are raising boys and know what I am going through, PLEASE HELP ME!!! Like I said before my son is a GREAT kid and he's loving and is respectful but when he's in school he just wants to act a damn fool. So I welcome ANY and ALL suggestions you may have on how to get through this and deal with it so that his behavior improves. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY 6, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE'S A TEEN? OMG! Sounds like you have a pretty normal kid w/ screwed up parents. |
#5
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
On 21 Oct 2007 05:53:58 -0700, Banty wrote:
You know what helped me as a single mom of a six year old (as well as him)? Getting involved in Cub Scouts. Not only did it give him a set of activities every week and month that six year olds love and a bunch of friends, but it also gave ME a good look at what actual young boys really act like. That will also give you contacts with other parents with boys your age. For friends for him from generally good families attentive and involved with their kids, and for advice for you. That's actually quite true. When I see DS in the Tiger Cubs, he is acutally quite well behaved. What he does do is normal. Before that, I was worried he was misbehaving too much. |
#6
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
On Sun, 21 Oct 2007 08:58:02 -0000, Kristina wrote:
behavior improves. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY 6, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE'S A TEEN? OMG! I read a few books when DS was going through a tough jag. I hit on one that worked wonders. It's called Parenting the Strong-willed Child by Rex Forehand. I followed their 5 week program as well as I could. It was nothing other books don't recommend, but it gave exact instructions on how to implement everything. I could see results starting the first week and every week after that, which just kept me going. It was the best thing I ever did as a parent. |
#7
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
?In
school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants to do anyway. Like I said before my son is a GREAT kid and he's loving and is respectful but when he's in school he just wants to act a damn fool. Sounds like most of the 6-y/o's I know. You need to really evaluate the situation with the teacher. It sounds as though your son needs a teacher who can get through to him what consequences are in HER classroom. A 6-y/o is smart enough to know how far he can take things and with whom - changing from situation to situation. When a teacher softly says "Son, what is the class doing right now?" "What should you be doing now?" or offers gentle reminders, they are all really acceptable to some kids. Afterall, the teacher doesn't seem miffed and doesn't seem to mind offering all of these reminders. Yet, if that teacher were willing to be more firm, instead of expecting that YOU can make the difference for HER expectations IN HER classroom, she would get much farther and you would see a huge improvement. Tell that teacher that you are not opposed to your child being sent to the office for a stern talking to, for a sit-out of recess as a consequence, etc. and watch how quickly your child gets the gentle messages that are being offered to him today about what is and what is not considered acceptable by that teacher. |
#8
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
On Oct 21, 4:58 am, Kristina wrote:
I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. When he was in kindergarten last year he acted out and that was attributed to some things going on between my husband and I. Now in the first grade he has started the same behavior and it is driving me nuts. Last year we talked to him about what was going on, punished him from some things and the situation got better. This year taking away the things he loves isn't seeming to work. He is used to it so it doesn't bother him now and I am left figuring out how to change his behavior. In school he does his work and pays attention and even is a great helper but his teacher has called me several times in regards to his behavior. He plays with his materials, he talks out of turn, he just seems to think that although the teacher and I speak frequently and we are on the same page (we both tell him the same thing about learning and why he goes to school-the whole 9) he is going to do what he wants to do anyway. When he is good and follows all the rules he gets rewarded with something special and I praise him for good behavior. Lately that seems to not help, he lies about the dumbest of things and I cannot for the life of me figure out if this is a phase or if it's heredity. I have spanked him on occasion but spanking isn't a lasting form of discipline. I was spanked as a child and although I turned out fine, it only hurts for a bit and then once the pain is gone it's like no big deal. I honestly do not know what to do. Although I am not a single parent I am the primary disciplinarian, my husband is his step-father (but the only father my son knows) and he steps in every so often but not as much as I would like. He doesn't really discipline his own kids and some of the behavior my son exhibits is the same as his step brothers and sisters and even his biological brothers and sisters. I understand I am his mother and it is my responsibility but sometimes I am at my wits end and need more help than I am given. So, that's what got me here! I know they say raising boys isn't as easy as raising girls so I am pleading to those of you who have raised or are raising boys and know what I am going through, PLEASE HELP ME!!! Like I said before my son is a GREAT kid and he's loving and is respectful but when he's in school he just wants to act a damn fool. So I welcome ANY and ALL suggestions you may have on how to get through this and deal with it so that his behavior improves. JUST THINK ABOUT IT, HE'S ONLY 6, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE'S A TEEN? OMG! The behaviors you are describing does not sound criminal except if there is something you are not telling us. Six years olds seem to go through a sound type of terrible twos stage. They want their own way and feel like they know and can do everything etc. And they start picking sides more at this point. You will find that they wilI act totally different with different people. Your son has chosen you and they usually tend to pick the mother over school. Any one he spends the most time with. They tend to identify with those they are around the most. I know of six year olds like this. You are not alone. I do no think your son inherited his fathers criminal genes. It may just be that your negative view of his father may be affecting him. How you treat your son now will definitely have an effect on your son later. Parents should not change their expectations of their children just because they are older. Basically teach your child to clean his room now and later it will be a habit. You know the saying, "train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." travelbug http:gatesofrighteousness.blogspot.com |
#9
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
On Oct 21, 8:27 am, enigma wrote:
Kristina wrote roups.com: I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. what does his teacher say? from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy? boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy. 6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet time). if he's only having problems at school, you need to work with the teacher or get him into a different classroom or school. it may just be a poor match for his learning style, or he may have learning disabilities (non-verbal learning disability, central processing disorder,etc) my son is 7. he's highly energetic, & has poor but slowly improving fine motor skills. he would be in constant trouble if he were in public school, so i don't subject him to that torture. i send him to a Montessori school, where he can choose what work he wants to do within guidelines, he can work on his own level & not have to wait for the whole class to be on the same page (he's reading at 4th grade level & doing 3- 4th grade math. he's doing robotics, & natural science is his favorite subject, except when it's mathg). his class is 18 kids & 2 teachers, plus music, movement, art, language, cooking & 'guest' teachers. Montessori kids don't usually sit at desks. they move around the room, sit on the floor or chairs. they talk to & help each other. if they get above grade level in a subject, they can go to the next level classroom for part of the day (so he can go to upper el for reading & math). i'm sure if he went to public school he & i would be at the principal's office almost constantly. but he's just a normal, high-spirited boy. i encourage that. i don't want my kid being an automaton. the only other thing i suggest is maybe you should seek councelling to lose that chip on your shoulder about the boy's father. if you start thinking the poor kid is "criminal" at 6 years old, you *will* develop a self-fufilling prophecy. oh, and talk to your current husband about disipline. give him guidelines about what you think he should & should not do to help you. lee I AT NO TIME HAVE EVER SAID THAT MY CHILD WAS A CRIMINAL OR WILL BE A CRIMINAL!!!!!! NOR DID I SAY THAT I HATED HIS FATHER--AS A MATTER OF FACT HIS FATHER IS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND HE WILL TELL YOU HIMSELF THAT HE IS A CRIMINAL AND HAS SPENT MOST OF HIS LIFE IN AND OUT OF JAILS AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!!!!! Due to the lifestyle his father has chosen, my son does not have any dealings with his biological father. He knows he has another father (besides my husband) but we don't talk about his biological father AT ALL FOR ANY REASON. My husband has been my sons father since my son was 8months old and the biological knows and accepts that my son is happy and has stated that he hopes none of his sons turn out to be like him. He also is hearing the same things from his other children's mothers and they can't seem to figure out what happened. My son is a wonderful child and he has been tested and has no learning disabilities. His teacher and his doctor chalk it up to him trying to fit in because his behavior is usually something they brag about amongst their co-workers and lately he has started to be something that they scratch their heads over. Those who know my son have often said there has been such a drastic change in behavior. My son isn't doing things like stealing and hurting anyone, it's just that when you get used to the loving, intelligent child and then all of a sudden he starts lying and what not, you kinda have to scratch your head and wonder what's happening. I work with his teacher who tells me that minus the behavior issues, he is a delight to have in class. He's helpful, he does his work with no problem, he gets excited about homework and class work. He is eager to answer questions and all the things that we are used to but then it's like the light changes and he acts different. I thank you for everything that you have said and most of it I have already thought myself. I posted here b/c I was hoping to get some different ideas. BTW: I don't expect my son to turn out to be a criminal, actually I have high hopes for him. He wants to be like his daddy (my husband) when he grows up! |
#10
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MOTHER DESPERATE FOR SUGGESTIONS!! HELP!!
On Oct 21, 8:53 am, Banty wrote:
In article , enigma says... Kristina wrote in oups.com: I have a 6yr old son who when he's in school has the behavior of his criminal biological father. My son is a great kid (normally) but recently he has started to lie and be disobedient. what does his teacher say? from what you say he sounds like a perfectly normal 6 year old boy. if you hate his dad so much (he acts like his criminal father), maybe you're extrapolating it to the boy? boys mature socially a bit slower than girls usually, so don't compare him to any girls you know. if you *must* compare his behavior with another child, use a 6 year old boy. 6 year old boys are fidgety, flighty, stubborn, *love* making rude noises & bathroom jokes, have the attention span of gnats when a subject doesn't interest them, tend to struggle with writing & fine motor skills (sissors, etc), and need *lots* of running around time (and very little sit still & be quiet time). Ditto on what Lee said, and I'd like to really warn against either looking for "criminal" traits in him, or extrapolating his current behavior to teen behavior. He is not his biological father, and there are many huge developmental changes between six and the teen years. You know what helped me as a single mom of a six year old (as well as him)? Getting involved in Cub Scouts. Not only did it give him a set of activities every week and month that six year olds love and a bunch of friends, but it also gave ME a good look at what actual young boys really act like. That will also give you contacts with other parents with boys your age. For friends for him from generally good families attentive and involved with their kids, and for advice for you. And really beware of the sefl-fulfilling prophecy effect. Behavior from a perfectly normal six year old, not knowing that history, would be dismissed as a six year old with a lot of energy, knowing that history, he can barely act or speak without people thinking of that history. So I would leave that thought behind. The only person that needs to worry about all of that would be his physician should he ever need any evaluation. But first get an energy outlet for him and a level-setting experience for you - get him into Cub Scouts (he would start as a Tiger). Banty THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I have been racking my brain for some time now on programs for 6yr old boys. Considering I don't know many people with 6yr old boys that actually care what is going on with their children, it's hard for me to come up with anything. My husband has suggested sports and not that that's a bad idea but right now my son doesn't really have an interest in sports. How do I go about getting him into the cub scouts? No one knows about his biological father, everyone thinks my husband is his father and I plan to keep it that way. My son knows, my husband knows and the biological father knows and that's all that we need to know. I TRULY APPRECIATE THE SUGGESTION and any others that you may have. Thank you for not attacking me like some responses I have gotten. |
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