What can I do?

"Jon" wrote in message
...
As to your statement about step-fathers. I am a double step father. Met
my
ex who had a 2 year old boy, Married her when he was almost 4. I raised
him as my own, regardless of what the deadbeat father did or most of the
time, didn't do. Divorced her in 1998. My step son then chose to move in
with me in 2001 when his mother moved out of town. He was 17 and chose me
over his natural father. Can't say I wasn't his daddy.
Now I am happily re-married and my wife has a 16 year old son. He chose
to
live at his father's house, about 50 miles south of here. We see him
every
other weekend, and a few extra weeks during the summer if he wants. He is
very comfortable with me and we joke around and have a good time together.
Am I his dad, no, but I try to be a good friend, but also a guide for him
as
he goes thru his teen years.

Just because you had a bad time with your step-father, doesn't mean you
will
be a bad step-father. If you really want to be this boy's dad, go for it,
and the blood chemistry doesn't matter. If you are unsure about the
future,
just remember, choices today affect your wallet tomorrow.
Jon


Very well put Jon.

To the original poster - follow your heart, and you won't go wrong. There
was this nice lady who use to post here under the name of "Lori". Her
husband cheated on her and a child was born to the woman he cheated with.
She decided to remain with her husband and work through this issue. Her
husband pays child support to the woman he had the affair with. To some it
would be hard to forgive such a thing - especially when a child is the end
result. The child is a constant reminder of the affair, and it must hurt
like - well, you know. You are going to face one very tough road in front
of you, but if you can find it within your heart to continue on with your
marriage and be a father to the child regardless - then go for it. You will
do no wrong by doing such a thing.


Tracy
~~~~~~~
http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
"You can't solve problems with the same
type of thinking that created them."
Albert Einstein

*** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***

I know how difficult this is going to be, he'll definately be a constant reminder.
I'm extremely tossed, almost like I'm in a no win situation. If I leave her, I
know they'll both have a crappy life, at least for the short term. It's not the
baby's fault any of this happened, so part of me feels like it'll be punishment.
Of course, the other side says she deserves anything I can dish out, but
unfortunately I'm not that type of person. I still love my wife, and I don't
think I can leave her when she needs me the most. I know I'm in for a lot of
questions, maybe some embarrassment, and a lot of pain/hurt initially. I just
think about 1 year or two from now, if I did divorce her, and try to picture my
life. It's a very difficult position to be in, and one I never imagined I would
have to deal with. It's like a bad soap opera or talk show topic. I've been
asking myself what if I didn't know, or didn't find out for a year or two, after
I've grown much more attached to him. Would I still leave? Probably not, but
by then I'm sure any court would rule that I am his father and that would be the
end of the story. Unfortunately(or fortunately, depending on which side of the
fence you sit on), I don't have the luxury of burying my head in the sand and
ignoring this.

As far as child support goes, and that I'd be responsible, it's not an issue at
this point. I don't want to throw them both aside just on the chance that we
eventually divorce and I'm stuck with supporting him. If it came down to where
I was declared his father, with nobody else in the picture, then I would be the
best father I could be. If a court comes and says that this other guy has
rights, then he's got the child support to deal with, and I could leave without
a worry about it.

I know how difficult this is going to be, he'll definately be a constant reminder.
I'm extremely tossed, almost like I'm in a no win situation. If I leave her, I
know they'll both have a crappy life, at least for the short term. It's not the
baby's fault any of this happened, so part of me feels like it'll be punishment.
Of course, the other side says she deserves anything I can dish out, but
unfortunately I'm not that type of person. I still love my wife, and I don't
think I can leave her when she needs me the most. I know I'm in for a lot of
questions, maybe some embarrassment, and a lot of pain/hurt initially. I just
think about 1 year or two from now, if I did divorce her, and try to picture my
life. It's a very difficult position to be in, and one I never imagined I would
have to deal with. It's like a bad soap opera or talk show topic. I've been
asking myself what if I didn't know, or didn't find out for a year or two, after
I've grown much more attached to him. Would I still leave? Probably not, but
by then I'm sure any court would rule that I am his father and that would be the
end of the story. Unfortunately(or fortunately, depending on which side of the
fence you sit on), I don't have the luxury of burying my head in the sand and
ignoring this.

As far as child support goes, and that I'd be responsible, it's not an issue at
this point. I don't want to throw them both aside just on the chance that we
eventually divorce and I'm stuck with supporting him. If it came down to where
I was declared his father, with nobody else in the picture, then I would be the
best father I could be. If a court comes and says that this other guy has
rights, then he's got the child support to deal with, and I could leave without
a worry about it.

wrote in message ...
I know how difficult this is going to be, he'll definately be a constant
reminder.
I'm extremely tossed, almost like I'm in a no win situation. If I leave
her, I
know they'll both have a crappy life, at least for the short term. It's
not the
baby's fault any of this happened, so part of me feels like it'll be
punishment.
Of course, the other side says she deserves anything I can dish out,
but
unfortunately I'm not that type of person. I still love my wife, and I
don't
think I can leave her when she needs me the most. I know I'm in for a lot
of
questions, maybe some embarrassment, and a lot of pain/hurt initially. I
just
think about 1 year or two from now, if I did divorce her, and try to
picture my
life. It's a very difficult position to be in, and one I never imagined I
would
have to deal with. It's like a bad soap opera or talk show topic. I've
been
asking myself what if I didn't know, or didn't find out for a year or two,
after
I've grown much more attached to him. Would I still leave? Probably not,
but
by then I'm sure any court would rule that I am his father and that would
be the
end of the story. Unfortunately(or fortunately, depending on which side
of the
fence you sit on), I don't have the luxury of burying my head in the sand
and
ignoring this.

As far as child support goes, and that I'd be responsible, it's not an
issue at
this point. I don't want to throw them both aside just on the chance that
we
eventually divorce and I'm stuck with supporting him. If it came down to
where
I was declared his father, with nobody else in the picture, then I would
be the
best father I could be. If a court comes and says that this other guy has
rights, then he's got the child support to deal with, and I could leave
without
a worry about it.
==
I really commend your ethics and caring. This must be incredibly difficult.
No one here
can tell you what is best. My concern is that you proceed with knowledge of
what *could* happen.
How would you feel if your wife left you and got back together with the
boy's father and you were required to pay child support for him? Since this
seems a distinct possibility, you really need to consider it. This seems to
be about the worst that could happen for you. If you come to grips with it,
then I believe you are ready to decide your course.
==
==

wrote in message ...
I know how difficult this is going to be, he'll definately be a constant
reminder.
I'm extremely tossed, almost like I'm in a no win situation. If I leave
her, I
know they'll both have a crappy life, at least for the short term. It's
not the
baby's fault any of this happened, so part of me feels like it'll be
punishment.
Of course, the other side says she deserves anything I can dish out,
but
unfortunately I'm not that type of person. I still love my wife, and I
don't
think I can leave her when she needs me the most. I know I'm in for a lot
of
questions, maybe some embarrassment, and a lot of pain/hurt initially. I
just
think about 1 year or two from now, if I did divorce her, and try to
picture my
life. It's a very difficult position to be in, and one I never imagined I
would
have to deal with. It's like a bad soap opera or talk show topic. I've
been
asking myself what if I didn't know, or didn't find out for a year or two,
after
I've grown much more attached to him. Would I still leave? Probably not,
but
by then I'm sure any court would rule that I am his father and that would
be the
end of the story. Unfortunately(or fortunately, depending on which side
of the
fence you sit on), I don't have the luxury of burying my head in the sand
and
ignoring this.

As far as child support goes, and that I'd be responsible, it's not an
issue at
this point. I don't want to throw them both aside just on the chance that
we
eventually divorce and I'm stuck with supporting him. If it came down to
where
I was declared his father, with nobody else in the picture, then I would
be the
best father I could be. If a court comes and says that this other guy has
rights, then he's got the child support to deal with, and I could leave
without
a worry about it.
==
I really commend your ethics and caring. This must be incredibly difficult.
No one here
can tell you what is best. My concern is that you proceed with knowledge of
what *could* happen.
How would you feel if your wife left you and got back together with the
boy's father and you were required to pay child support for him? Since this
seems a distinct possibility, you really need to consider it. This seems to
be about the worst that could happen for you. If you come to grips with it,
then I believe you are ready to decide your course.
==
==

gini52 wrote:
==
I really commend your ethics and caring. This must be incredibly difficult.
No one here
can tell you what is best. My concern is that you proceed with knowledge of
what *could* happen.
How would you feel if your wife left you and got back together with the
boy's father and you were required to pay child support for him? Since this
seems a distinct possibility, you really need to consider it. This seems to
be about the worst that could happen for you. If you come to grips with it,
then I believe you are ready to decide your course.
==

She wants absoultely nothing to do with him. Assuming I can believe what she's
telling me now, I know how much I mean to her, and that she'd even consider
giving the
baby up if it meant me staying. I don't think I'd ever ask her to do that, and I'd
leave first before she would need to make that decision.

The one thing that's complicating things the most is this guy. He's harrassing
her now, almost to the point of threatening her. We're seeing the lawyer today,
possibly a restraining order will be needed either way.

gini52 wrote:
==
I really commend your ethics and caring. This must be incredibly difficult.
No one here
can tell you what is best. My concern is that you proceed with knowledge of
what *could* happen.
How would you feel if your wife left you and got back together with the
boy's father and you were required to pay child support for him? Since this
seems a distinct possibility, you really need to consider it. This seems to
be about the worst that could happen for you. If you come to grips with it,
then I believe you are ready to decide your course.
==

She wants absoultely nothing to do with him. Assuming I can believe what she's
telling me now, I know how much I mean to her, and that she'd even consider
giving the
baby up if it meant me staying. I don't think I'd ever ask her to do that, and I'd
leave first before she would need to make that decision.

The one thing that's complicating things the most is this guy. He's harrassing
her now, almost to the point of threatening her. We're seeing the lawyer today,
possibly a restraining order will be needed either way.

gini52 wrote:
==
I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer. Please let us know what he/she says. Best
wishes to you.
==
==


Well, Mr. Lawyer told us what we figured, to just sit tight and not do anything.
We should wait for him to issue the court order. Sometimes people like this
just go away, or he'll show his true colors when confronted with the thought of
21 years of Child Support. Then again, he may not, and we'll have to deal with
this then. So until then, we hope he either digs himself a hole he can't get
out of, or decides he doesn't want this committment. As for me and what I do
with all of this, I still don't know. I hope to be able to stand by her side
throughout this and go along with what happens, but I don't know if I'll be able
to take the crap that comes with a decision against us, which is more than
likely if it were to happen anytime soon. The more time that goes by, the
better off it'll be. I'm assumed to be the father, but since I know I'm not(99%
at least, and I'll check that if/when we get a summons) and wanted to get a
divorce, I'm sure I can get out of child support, unless I did wind up adopting
him. At this point I think I would, even though it would be an extremely
difficult thing to do, besides the fact that we'd(she'd) have to let the whole
family down by breaking the news.

Thanks for all the input.

gini52 wrote:
==
I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer. Please let us know what he/she says. Best
wishes to you.
==
==


Well, Mr. Lawyer told us what we figured, to just sit tight and not do anything.
We should wait for him to issue the court order. Sometimes people like this
just go away, or he'll show his true colors when confronted with the thought of
21 years of Child Support. Then again, he may not, and we'll have to deal with
this then. So until then, we hope he either digs himself a hole he can't get
out of, or decides he doesn't want this committment. As for me and what I do
with all of this, I still don't know. I hope to be able to stand by her side
throughout this and go along with what happens, but I don't know if I'll be able
to take the crap that comes with a decision against us, which is more than
likely if it were to happen anytime soon. The more time that goes by, the
better off it'll be. I'm assumed to be the father, but since I know I'm not(99%
at least, and I'll check that if/when we get a summons) and wanted to get a
divorce, I'm sure I can get out of child support, unless I did wind up adopting
him. At this point I think I would, even though it would be an extremely
difficult thing to do, besides the fact that we'd(she'd) have to let the whole
family down by breaking the news.

Thanks for all the input.

wrote in message ...


gini52 wrote:
==
I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer. Please let us know what he/she says.
Best
wishes to you.
==
==


Well, Mr. Lawyer told us what we figured, to just sit tight and not do
anything.
We should wait for him to issue the court order. Sometimes people like
this
just go away, or he'll show his true colors when confronted with the
thought of
21 years of Child Support. Then again, he may not, and we'll have to deal
with
this then. So until then, we hope he either digs himself a hole he can't
get
out of, or decides he doesn't want this committment. As for me and what I
do
with all of this, I still don't know. I hope to be able to stand by her
side
throughout this and go along with what happens, but I don't know if I'll
be able
to take the crap that comes with a decision against us, which is more than
likely if it were to happen anytime soon. The more time that goes by, the
better off it'll be. I'm assumed to be the father, but since I know I'm
not(99%
at least, and I'll check that if/when we get a summons) and wanted to get
a
divorce, I'm sure I can get out of child support, unless I did wind up
adopting
him. At this point I think I would, even though it would be an extremely
difficult thing to do, besides the fact that we'd(she'd) have to let the
whole
family down by breaking the news.

Thanks for all the input.
==
This is an area of family law that is in transition which is one reason I
was glad you saw an attorney. In PA you would be the legal father with all
its rewards and responsibilities regardless of what the bio father did/does.
He would have no more paternal rights than a stranger on the street. At this
time, you might not be able to get out of child support if there were a
divorce. Case law is against you there with the idea that even if you are
not the father, the child thinks you are and you can not walk away from that
responsibility. Many non-fathers in your situation are working to have the
laws changed so that men do not have to pay child support for a child who is
not theirs, even if blood tests confirm that. They are still being ordered
to pay as long as they "acted" life the father. The only typical exception
is with step-fathers. Anyway, I hope you keep us updated as you are treading
an area of great interest for men.
==
==