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#31
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should mum be allowed to deny dad contact ?
On Fri, 21 Nov 2003 17:33:59 +1300, "ChrisScaife"
wrote: I too tried to get my wife to come to marriage guidance, but I was the enemy. The harder I tried, whatever it was, the more she would resist. Eventually I stopped loving her and looked forward to the day the decree absolute would come through. Sadly our little boy was the real casualty. Yes, he was. It distresses me whenever I hear of this kind of situation. Unfortunately, the law never seems to solve anything in such cases. I wish there was more that could be offered when a dad like you wants contact, but cannot have it because of actions on the ex-wive's part and I know that it is all too common here in the US too. -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits |
#32
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should mum be allowed to deny dad contact ?
"Kathy Cole" wrote in message
... On Fri, 21 Nov 2003 04:45:40 GMT, "Byron Canfield" wrote: What he was claiming was that there was spiteful actions not toward the kids, but toward the father. It's all in how you orient your outlook. You can certainly manage a post-divorce situation in which you share access to the kids without much contact with the former partner; what is largely parallel parenting, rather than co-parenting. If that's the case, there's not much direct, spiteful action you have an opportunity to perform, that isn't also likely to get you into legal trouble; most spiteful actions need to be channeled through the kids to get a dig in at the other parent. But I don't see myself as owing my ex much. I owe *our son* an awful lot, starting with respecting and supporting the role of his father, stepmother and extended family in his life, and encouraging strong relationships with them. That viewpoint requires me to keep our son out of our disagreements, so that when his dad really ****es me off, it's proven relatively easy for me to keep him away from it. So, from my perspective, absent any direct, spiteful crap like trying to get an ex fired, calling the new girlfriend and telling her my opinion of him and his prior behavior, causing him financial trouble by falsely reporting his car stolen so the police will hassle him, or other extremely direct and clearly ex-focussed actions, any spiteful stuff would have to use the kid, which is harmful to the kid and thus completely unacceptable. A parent who correctly concludes that the real goal in digging at the kid is to dig at the other parent might label the activity accordingly, and that may have been the case with the prior poster. This has gotten way off track. The original claim was that the divorced wife was committing spiteful actions against the former husband -- it made no mention of doing things to the kids. And my question was what was the motivation for the spiteful actions against the husband -- a question which went not just unanswered, but was pointedly evaded at every turn. -- "There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary numbers and those who don't." ----------------------------- Byron "Barn" Canfield |
#33
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should mum be allowed to deny dad contact ?
On Fri, 21 Nov 2003 19:26:53 GMT, "Byron Canfield"
wrote: This has gotten way off track. The original claim was that the divorced wife was committing spiteful actions against the former husband -- it made no mention of doing things to the kids. The first followup from the original poster included mom doing things to kids to get back at dad. And my question was what was the motivation for the spiteful actions against the husband -- a question which went not just unanswered, but was pointedly evaded at every turn. Pointedly evaded is an exaggeration, I believe, having just read back through this thread. I saw Chris identify untreated depression as a root cause of the breakup of his marriage, which is going to be the only relationship about which he's fully qualified to comment. I agree with what I think is your general point that it's hard to envision a circumstance where the breakup of a relationship is exclusively and completely the fault of one party. I would argue that untreated mental illness is a very understandable trigger for the spiraling decline and eventual death of a marriage, not to mention a significant contributor toward irrational behavior. Are you specifically looking for him to say 'yes, I agree that it's impossible to pin the blame on only one half of a couple'? He certainly does not give off the same vibe, to me at least, as the other posters from outside misc.kids. And I can certainly imagine a situation like what was in the original post, : For instance, I know of a case where years later, a mother admits to having "fought dirty" to preclude her ex from contact out of pure : spite. really occurring, where 'pure spite' was motivated by something largely in the head of the spiteful party. Basically, as I said when first responding to you, I do not believe that description to be impossible or unfathomable, and I find it surprising that you seem to do so. |
#34
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should mum be allowed to deny dad contact ?
"Kathy Cole" wrote in message
... On Fri, 21 Nov 2003 19:26:53 GMT, "Byron Canfield" wrote: This has gotten way off track. The original claim was that the divorced wife was committing spiteful actions against the former husband -- it made no mention of doing things to the kids. The first followup from the original poster included mom doing things to kids to get back at dad. And my question was what was the motivation for the spiteful actions against the husband -- a question which went not just unanswered, but was pointedly evaded at every turn. Pointedly evaded is an exaggeration, I believe, having just read back through this thread. I saw Chris identify untreated depression as a root cause of the breakup of his marriage, which is going to be the only relationship about which he's fully qualified to comment. I agree with what I think is your general point that it's hard to envision a circumstance where the breakup of a relationship is exclusively and completely the fault of one party. I would argue that untreated mental illness is a very understandable trigger for the spiraling decline and eventual death of a marriage, not to mention a significant contributor toward irrational behavior. Are you specifically looking for him to say 'yes, I agree that it's impossible to pin the blame on only one half of a couple'? He certainly does not give off the same vibe, to me at least, as the other posters from outside misc.kids. And I can certainly imagine a situation like what was in the original post, : For instance, I know of a case where years later, a mother admits to having "fought dirty" to preclude her ex from contact out of pure : spite. really occurring, where 'pure spite' was motivated by something largely in the head of the spiteful party. Largely? That indicates part of it was not just in the head of the spiteful party. And it is THAT part about which I was asking, to which I never received an answer. Basically, as I said when first responding to you, I do not believe that description to be impossible or unfathomable, and I find it surprising that you seem to do so. That's correct -- I cannot envision a circumstance where at least, through non-acting, or acts of omission (even if not acts of commission), one of the two would have absolutely no culpubility for the dissolution. My relationship almost dissolved due to my inattention following the birth of my daughter, eleven years ago: I failed to notice, until almost too late, the symptoms of post-partum depression in my mate. Fortunately, I did get a clue, just in time to educate myself on the issue and get some help. Granted, this is not something normally in the frame of reference of the male partners -- most men DON'T have a clue about post-partum depression (and, for that matter, a lot of other issues concerning women -- in general, most men ARE too self-absorbed, due, in part, to cultural influences, I think), but with the proper preparation BEFORE birth (best even before deciding to have children), one can be prepared. I didn't take the time, up front, to educate myself about such things, and am thankful that I had the opportunity to do so before it was too late. -- "There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary numbers and those who don't." ----------------------------- Byron "Barn" Canfield |
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