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#11
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
Anne Rogers wrote:
if they still don't want you there, then are these people really your friends? It's not them that the friends don't want there, it's the baby. I don't think feeling that way has to be mutually exclusive with being friends. Some people just aren't baby people. That doesn't mean they can't be friends with people who are. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com "That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell |
#12
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
KD wrote: Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most important member of my family isn't welcome. Depends on the wedding. We specifically asked if our daughter was invited to one wedding while she was still nursing, and the answer was no children, so we declined to attend (and I had to make my husband call to ask, too, he'd been asuming the baby WOULD be invited!). These were friends of ours, and not family (and we were the first in our peer group to have any kids o four own, which may have influenced their attitude). While it's not the decision I would have made, it was their wedding, and they were free to include or exclude children as they felt necessary. We've also been to a number of family weddings to which children WERE invited. The way it's typically handled (in our experience) is that a babysitter or two are hired to cope with the very small ones in the bridal suite once the bridal party is done with the changing and the kids are too tired to stay at the party, with the parents splitting the sitting fees. This may or may not be possible for everyone depending on the scale of the wedding and exactly how many children we're talking about. At any rate, the no-kids-allowed wedding is by no means a rare creature around here. Most of the time, if the kids are invited, the invitation will have everyone's names on it. If it isn't, we ask and then decide if we're going from there. |
#13
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
"Sarah Vaughan" wrote in message ... xkatx wrote: "KD" wrote in message ups.com... Greetings folks: Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental, gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc. Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone. Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding, there's no one to leave him with. Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most important member of my family isn't welcome. What do you all think? KD & G We're kind of in a similar situation - kinda... We were invited to SIL's wedding end of June. She made it clear that this was a family event, and she even told me that I was not welcome to attend if I did not want to bring our kids. (FWIW, this was disaster time in the family) DS ended up being sick, so I left him at my mom's house. I decided to take DD with me, since I did NOT want to deal with 2 kids on my own for an entire afternoon/evening out in the boonies where this wedding was located. This wedding was off the wall for me - DH and I were told to bring $60 worth of sandwich meat, other family members were asked to bring X amount of buns, salads, dessert, etc. Good lord. I'd have written a polite note declining the invitation. I like to feel that I'm a guest and not a caterer. Yes, well, weddings can get to be VERY expensive. I, personally, see no reason in spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a wedding if that is not in a person's budget. It was the fact that she outwardly told us to bring a variety of lunch meats - about $60 worth, and I think of it like this - DH takes sandwiches to work, I go to the deli and get about $3-$4 worth of lunch meats for him on a weekly basis. HE said alright, I'll bring the meat. I said are you insane?? So, they do not have lots of money. How much is a marriage certificate? Not much. How much would it be for a hall rental? Not sure, but they did rent a hall. How much would it really cost for THEM to buy some lunch meats, buns, pickles and stuff like that... Not nearly as much as it would be to cater an entire full meal for a bunch of guests, yet you save up money. Not ask for people to bring the food for you. THAT is what made me the most angry. I had originally declined, on the basis that we couldn't get a babysitter. That's when we were told it was kid-friendly, families must come. So at that point, we were all going, as a family. Last minute, the groom's brother, for reasons unknown to me, said he was NOT coming, which left the groom without a best man. I guess he must not have any friends at all, as SIL told DH that he has to step in (as sloppy-seconds) where the groom's bro would have been. This made me even more angry, as we were going AS A FAMILY. That's how it was planned, as I knew I couldn't handle all the kids on my own all day. I obviously needed his help, and now that it was thrown in my face last second (about a week or two before the wedding?) that he was all of a sudden in the wedding party - for the groom's side - that was even worse. Would have been totally different if, from the start, this was the plans, but for a long time, we (DH and I) had the plans set that we'd go as a family, be as a family and leave as a family. It was nothing but a freaking gong show, AFAIC. Then the meat issue. Yea, well, DH went behind my back and gave her $60 cash - that, to be honest, we really can't afford to just throw away like that - and that was that. This was also the same woman (my SIL) that came yesterday to DH's surprise birthday and couldn't even bring a card, yet she brought her big stupid mutt to sit outside the building all afternoon. Nope, not even a card, but how lovely of her to bring that damn dog. Oh, and FTR, when I had declined originally, she was upset and said bring the kids and she wanted them there. Then, when it was shoved at me that we obviously weren't going as a family, as we had planned, and DH knows I cannot drive out on the highway alone as I fall asleep if someone's not awake beside me to keep me in a conversation and all that, I had told her I was sorry, but if we weren't all going together, I saw no point in going, as I wasn't able to watch all the kids alone out there, deal with them during the meal, etc., (how on earth does one person get plates of food for 2 children who aren't old enough to serve themselves, get themself a plate of food while carrying around a crawling baby??) I had told her I would come only on the grounds that my mom was able to babysit, and at that point, she told me she did not want me to come if I wasn't hauling the kids around. Yup, nothing but a gong show. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com "That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell |
#14
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
"Dagny" wrote in message ... I believe the proper response is to send a brief note along these lines: "Congratulations on the upcoming marriage of your daughter [if RSVPing to bride's parents]. We are deeply honored to be invited. I wish I could come, but am not able to leave my five-month-old son with a sitter during the reception because he is exclusively breastfed per our pediatrician's recommendation and will not take bottles. The celebrants are very important to me, and please let them know that I would not miss their wedding for the world except for this. Please accept my deep regrets. KD" Since this was mentioned, and we're in a similar situation of our children not being allowed to attend my cousin's wedding (yet the bride's families that include children will be there) what would be an appropriate reply? Our replies are done via email or phone. We're obviously expected to be there, but we're not sure if we'll be able to make it, as since our kids aren't welcome, it's all now depending on if MIL can watch the kids that day, and she won't know until about 2 weeks before as she does school bus charters over the summer and won't know if she has a charter to do or not until closer to the date. Is there any point in replying in advance with a maybe and explaining that it depends on if we have childcare or not? If you are particularly close to one of the celebrants, it is OK to tell them by phone why you are not coming, but it is important to state it as a sad response and not as a request for an exception. The request is implied in giving the reason; but stating it as a response allows the parties to save face if they do not want to make an exception. Wedding plans can be stressful, and you never know what force of nature in the couple's lives is behind the no-babies rule. It's best to just go along with it. It's supposed to be the couple's day, and so rarely is, so an invitee's needs are best left low on the radar. If they are able, they will respond for you to by all means bring your son. For the kind of money you're talking about, you could also consider flying them out to see you for a long weekend a month or two after the honeymoon as a special treat. HTH, Dagny |
#15
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
xkatx wrote:
Since this was mentioned, and we're in a similar situation of our children not being allowed to attend my cousin's wedding (yet the bride's families that include children will be there) what would be an appropriate reply? Our replies are done via email or phone. We're obviously expected to be there, but we're not sure if we'll be able to make it, as since our kids aren't welcome, it's all now depending on if MIL can watch the kids that day, and she won't know until about 2 weeks before as she does school bus charters over the summer and won't know if she has a charter to do or not until closer to the date. Is there any point in replying in advance with a maybe and explaining that it depends on if we have childcare or not? Hmmm. Trouble is, they'll need to let the caterers know the numbers. Having said that, I would have thought two weeks should be enough. You could always explain the situation and ask them how much notice they need. If they need more than two weeks, then you could regretfully decline on the grounds of being unable to give a definite yes and not wanting to mess them around with a maybe. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com "That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell |
#16
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
wrote in message ... KD writes: : Greetings folks: : Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to : a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental, : gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc. : Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the : reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is : exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone. : Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding, : there's no one to leave him with. : Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this : didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me : that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought : that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include : children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most : important member of my family isn't welcome. : What do you all think? : KD & G I don't know how to say this politely (to those who invited you), but I certainly agree with you. Simply tell them that your are nursing, you can't leave your baby for long, and if he is not welcome, you cannot come. end of story. Larry Ditto that. I think that before you actually *are* a bf mother, the options seem so much simpler ... "oh why don't you just hire a baby sitter and leave some bottles " seems like such a good option if you don't know exactly what a huge ask that is: "just leave your precious child with a complete stranger for 5 hours, let them feed her food she's never had before and which may or may not damage her gut and you can be uncomfortable for a couple of hours and maybe leak breastmilk all over your nice new dress".. Amanda |
#17
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
xkatx wrote:
Yes, well, weddings can get to be VERY expensive. I, personally, see no reason in spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a wedding if that is not in a person's budget. It was the fact that she outwardly told us to bring a variety of lunch meats - about $60 worth, and I think of it like this - DH takes sandwiches to work, I go to the deli and get about $3-$4 worth of lunch meats for him on a weekly basis. HE said alright, I'll bring the meat. I said are you insane?? So, they do not have lots of money. How much is a marriage certificate? Not much. How much would it be for a hall rental? Not sure, but they did rent a hall. How much would it really cost for THEM to buy some lunch meats, buns, pickles and stuff like that... Not nearly as much as it would be to cater an entire full meal for a bunch of guests, yet you save up money. Not ask for people to bring the food for you. THAT is what made me the most angry. I have heard of people having very informal weddings and having a "pot luck" reception in their home (second marriages, that kind of thing), but in that case the most you might specify to your guests would be something along the lines of "please don't buy a gift, but please bring a dish of your famous lasagna/almond cookies, etc. We couldn't afford to/didn't want to provide a big meal at our wedding, so we held it later in the evening, allowing people time to eat at home or go out together before they came, then had hors d'oeuvre's, beverages (champagne, beer, soft drinks, tea and coffee) and lots of really good cake. It's one thing to not be able to afford much and to make compromises, it's another to make it your guests' responsibility to cater your wedding... -Karen- |
#18
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
"KD" wrote in message ups.com... Greetings folks: Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental, gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc. Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone. Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding, there's no one to leave him with. Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most important member of my family isn't welcome. What do you all think? KD & G When DH and I got married we had a no kids wedding. Main reason was that my sister was a bridesmaid and she has 4 rowdy kids that would have been running up to her all the time. She's also the kind of person that would have thought it cute if they had danced around and interrupted during the ceremony or during speeches at the reception. Their parenting style works for them, and the kids are lovely - just very noisy and attention seeking, and we didn't want to hurt her feelings by making an issue about it, so just decided to make it no kids across the board. FWIW a few people did bring babies along anyway, and we were fine with that as they obviously weren't the issue. In hindsight I now actually regret not having kids there, DD is to thank for this. I can't imagine leaving her and would probably feel offended if she was left out of things. And now when I think about it, I'm a little sad that my nieces and nephews weren't there to share in my special day, even if they had made a fuss at times, but at the time I really did think I was doing the best thing. Depending how close you are with the couple getting married, are you able to have a chat to them and see if you can determine why they don't want kids there? (Without of course coming across as aggressive). There might be specific circumstances for their no kids policy. (Or not) |
#19
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
"dkhedmo" wrote in message .net... It's one thing to not be able to afford much and to make compromises, it's another to make it your guests' responsibility to cater your wedding... When my first husband and I got married, we got our bands on sale, my grandmother made my wedding dress, our wedding site was an outdoor chapel that was free, the minister was the family minister and the church potluck-catered our wedding as their present to us and his second grade teacher made our wedding cake as her present to us. It was great all the way around. I cried all day long. Jess |
#20
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Etiquette Question - wedding invites
"Jess" wrote in message
news:v8Xug.161103$k%3.152937@dukeread12... When my first husband and I got married, we got our bands on sale, my grandmother made my wedding dress, our wedding site was an outdoor chapel that was free, the minister was the family minister and the church potluck-catered our wedding as their present to us and his second grade teacher made our wedding cake as her present to us. It was great all the way around. I cried all day long. Mine was similar to yours. It was the least stressful wedding I'd ever been in ;o) All the other weddings where I was the maid of honor or bridesmaid, the brides wanted all these expensive things- floral arrangements ordered, catered food, dresses made and shoes dyed, and so many other extravagant things and any little thing that went wrong caused yelling and/or tears. It can get crazy! I didn't stress about any part of my wedding (except when the minister tried to talk me out of having my children in my wedding!!) and it all went peacefully and cozy. Marie |
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