Getting husband on board

wrote:

I feel like he has all the control, and I have no say so. This is a
deal breaker for me. Anyone have issue with thier dh wanting kids?

Well, sort of. I always wanted to have one kid, mayyyyyybe two, but
probably not. My husband on the other hand wanted lots and lots, and
he convinced me that we should have at least 3.

So, I told him we could have two, and I'd strongly consider a third, IF
it looked like the right thing to do when the time came. He said OK,
so I got used to the idea of 2 or 3 kids.

Fastforward several years, we have one kid (he has a son from a
previous relationship) and when our daughter was a year old, my husband
told me he didn't want any more kids.

I was really resentful. But after awhile, I realized that I wasn't
sure I wanted more either, AND I had gotten what I had wanted all along
- one kid of my own. Frankly, I'm much too selfish to have another - I
like my hobbies, and parenting leaves me precious little time to do
those hobbies! More kids, would mean less time, and putting them off
for even more years! Now, I feel like if I get pregnant accidentally,
I'll probably have it, but I'm doing what's necessary to prevent
getting pregnant, because I'd really rather not have another.

But, while I was in my resentful stage, I made a decision about
something. All children should be WANTED children. That's a really,
really important thing, for the sake of the child you are bringing into
the world. You are CREATING a PERSON, and your first responsiblity is
to that child.

It's FAR worse to foist a child on a parent who doesn't want it, than
it is for one prospective parent to prevent his or her spouse from
having a child. Because that child's wants and needs enter into the
equation.

I believe he's made his wishes clear. And even if he "agrees" to have a
child to keep you from leaving him (I imagine he does love you, after
all), you will always know that he doesn't really want a child, and
you've got to ask yourself if it's fair to that child to raise him or
her in a household where he or she isn't 100% wanted. And believe me,
kids are smart. They'll know.

So, decide what is more important to you - having a child, or having
your husband. If it's the former, bail now. If it's the latter, then
come to terms with the idea of not having kids. And do so without
bitterness or resentment, because it'll come to haunt you someday. And
I agree with Larry's advice to get some counseling either way.

Cathy Weeks

I am in the opposite position from you. My husband is sure he wants a
baby and I am not so sure.

I went off the birth control pill due to his constant pressure and have
often resented the situation and felt out of control. I have even felt
like going back on the pill without telling my husband.

In my own situation, I do not accept change easily. I am never sure of
any decision. And I am very happy with my life right now and to make a
change right now scares the hell out of me. What if I don't like being
a mother? What if I mess up? What if something happens in my marriage
and it doesn't work (despite being married now for 6 years). What
if.....? The list goes on.

I can't speak for your husband, of course, but I can't stress enough
that too much pressure sends me in the opposite direction and makes me
want to have a baby even less.

But I must say this... the gentle pressure has worked. I am slowly
(much too slowly for DH) coming around to the idea and lately I find
that if I missed my period this month it may not be so bad after all.


Every situation is different, but if your husband is anything like me
he may just need time to get used to the idea.