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#1
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
Hi all - this is my first post ever so please be kind!!
I've been lurking in this group for a few years (since I was pregant with ds 6 years ago) but have never taken the (for me) big step of joining in the discussion. Anyway, here is a bit of info about me - I've been married to DH for almost 11 years (I will be 36 in the next few weeks). Overall, I would say that we have a pretty strong relationship, although we have had our issues over the years - who hasn't? We have a wonderful 5.5 year old son who is the light of our lives (living with a 5 year old boy is a whole other topic - but a good one!). My husband has a very demanding and time consuming (and extremely well paid) job while I am self employed as an accountant and able to pick and choose the hours that I work. On paper (or on your computer screen), it seems like I have the perfect life, so why am I miserable? Well, we've been trying to conceive a second child for over three years. We didn't worry too much the first two years - we conceived very quickly the first time and realized that we weren't necessarily going to be that lucky the second time around so we were patient. After two years had gone by, we began to see a fertility specialist and have gone through the usual battery of tests: hormone levels, sperm counts, even laparoscopic surgery to rule out endometriosis. Basically, there is no medical reason for us not to conceive another child - except that it hasn't happened. I have been on Clomid (sp?) for the last three months with no success (but a whole bunch of symptoms). The next step(s) would be artificial insemination and/or IVF which we are not willing to take - for various reasons. So now I get to the point of my post - I am now in the process of "letting go" of my hopes of having another child and it hurts a lot. I have let the hope of another child rule my life for the last couple of years. The older ds gets, the more difficult it is to imagine going back to sleepless nights and diapers. Also, I have purposely held back my career thinking that I would be otherwise occupied and it hasn't really been a good thing for me. So from a practical point of view, it seems that the best course of action is to just get on with life - be happy with what you have and not worry about what you don't have. I believe this all to be true, but I can't deny that there is a hollow part inside as I think about what might have been... Although I realize that I've been very fortunate in a lot of respects (and I do appreciate it), I still am having a difficult time dealing with this situation. For example, my sister-in-law just had her second baby and while I am happy for her and my brother (really!) I am also extremely jealous. I smile and nod and do everything that is expected, but inside I just think - it's not fair! Anyway, I realize that I'm rambling now. I guess I just want to know if anyone has been in this situation before and, if so, how they dealt with it. Michelle |
#2
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
Hi Michelle
I'm sorry - I haven't been in your situation but my heart does go out to you. I have heard that pregnancy can happen when you least expect it - when you are relaxed and not stressed out about conceiving - just enjoying being together with your partner. Our pregnancy snuck up on us after I lost some weight and was a lot happier. Who knows..... But you're right - It isn't fair. I hope your future is brighter. Hugs from Camille --- Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). Version: 6.0.675 / Virus Database: 437 - Release Date: 2/05/2004 |
#3
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
Michelle Gibson wrote:
So now I get to the point of my post - I am now in the process of "letting go" of my hopes of having another child and it hurts a lot. I have let the hope of another child rule my life for the last couple of years. The older ds gets, the more difficult it is to imagine going back to sleepless nights and diapers. Also, I have purposely held back my career thinking that I would be otherwise occupied and it hasn't really been a good thing for me. So from a practical point of view, it seems that the best course of action is to just get on with life - be happy with what you have and not worry about what you don't have. I believe this all to be true, but I can't deny that there is a hollow part inside as I think about what might have been... I'm sorry things have been so challenging for you. I have not had to endure infertility, so I won't pretend that I understand that. What I would ask though, is if you would consider another route to expanding your family if that's what you really want? I hear you about thinking about career issues and going back to sleepless nights and diapers. That was certainly an issue for us with a 6 year gap between #2 and #3. In our case, the gap wasn't due to infertility but to the fact that it took us that long to decide that we were ready, willing, and able to bring a third child into our family. I won't lie and say that bringing a baby into the mix after having the luxury of kids who were much more independent isn't a challenge. There are days I whack myself in the head and ask what the heck I was thinking! ;-) And it has certainly complicated my work life (I work part time, mostly telecommuting). I was at the point where I had all day while the kids were in school to work in peace or go in for meetings, and now I'm back to having to arrange childcare for those situations. On the other hand, for *us* it was still the right thing. Is that "hollow part" you feel something you can live with? While I firmly believe that the vast majority of people can decide to be happy with the life they're leading, even if it's not their first choice, I think it's also true that when it's *possible* to make a choice, sometimes the crazy choice is the right one ;-) It all depends on what you think you can live with and what your goals are for your life. Even though it seems that moving on is the sensible choice for you (holding at two was probably the sensible choice for us), if you know in your heart that another child is right for you I'd be inclined to chuck caution to the wind and consider adoption. On the other hand, maybe you know in your heart that the right thing for your family is to move on, in which case that's the way to go and I truly believe that you will come to peace with that decision. I know people who've done that and who, years later, feel very comfortable with their decision. I guess ultimately, what I'm saying is to be guided by what you know is right for your family, but don't be constrained by the limits of your own body or some external notion of what's sensible or appropriate. It's okay to do something crazy if it's really right for your family ;-) When you make your decision based on what you know is right for your family, you will come to peace about it eventually. I believe it's usually when you ignore what you know to be true that you end up regretting things later. Best wishes whatever happens! Ericka |
#4
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
"Michelle Gibson" wrote in message om... Hi all - this is my first post ever so please be kind!! I've been lurking in this group for a few years (since I was pregant with ds 6 years ago) but have never taken the (for me) big step of joining in the discussion. Anyway, here is a bit of info about me - I've been married to DH for almost 11 years (I will be 36 in the next few weeks). Overall, I would say that we have a pretty strong relationship, although we have had our issues over the years - who hasn't? We have a wonderful 5.5 year old son who is the light of our lives (living with a 5 year old boy is a whole other topic - but a good one!). My husband has a very demanding and time consuming (and extremely well paid) job while I am self employed as an accountant and able to pick and choose the hours that I work. On paper (or on your computer screen), it seems like I have the perfect life, so why am I miserable? Well, we've been trying to conceive a second child for over three years. We didn't worry too much the first two years - we conceived very quickly the first time and realized that we weren't necessarily going to be that lucky the second time around so we were patient. After two years had gone by, we began to see a fertility specialist and have gone through the usual battery of tests: hormone levels, sperm counts, even laparoscopic surgery to rule out endometriosis. Basically, there is no medical reason for us not to conceive another child - except that it hasn't happened. I have been on Clomid (sp?) for the last three months with no success (but a whole bunch of symptoms). The next step(s) would be artificial insemination and/or IVF which we are not willing to take - for various reasons. So now I get to the point of my post - I am now in the process of "letting go" of my hopes of having another child and it hurts a lot. I have let the hope of another child rule my life for the last couple of years. The older ds gets, the more difficult it is to imagine going back to sleepless nights and diapers. Also, I have purposely held back my career thinking that I would be otherwise occupied and it hasn't really been a good thing for me. So from a practical point of view, it seems that the best course of action is to just get on with life - be happy with what you have and not worry about what you don't have. I believe this all to be true, but I can't deny that there is a hollow part inside as I think about what might have been... Although I realize that I've been very fortunate in a lot of respects (and I do appreciate it), I still am having a difficult time dealing with this situation. For example, my sister-in-law just had her second baby and while I am happy for her and my brother (really!) I am also extremely jealous. I smile and nod and do everything that is expected, but inside I just think - it's not fair! Anyway, I realize that I'm rambling now. I guess I just want to know if anyone has been in this situation before and, if so, how they dealt with it. Michelle Hi Michelle, It took us a while to conceive DD ... also had a battery of tests that suggested that nothing was medically preventing pregnancy (although I did have endometriosis on a ligament but nothing on any of the "important" bits. I ended up seeing a chiropractor who found a slight curvature of my lower spine right at the point that the nerves for the reproductive system emerge from teh spinal column (obvious on x-ray but otherwise not really noticeable). After beginning treatment, I was pg with DD in 4 weeks and have conceived straight away the last two times (one m/c though). I just suggest this in the hope that it might help, but won't be offended if you choose to ignore the info. Amanda -- DD 15th August 2002 1 tiny angel Nov 2003 EDD 19th August 2004 |
#5
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. Please stay here if
you'd like more support; I believe there is also a newsgroup for secondary infertility that might be helplful to you as well. Good luck in your journey. Mary S. mom to the Sproutkin and a new wee babysprout, due Oct. 1 On paper (or on your computer screen), it seems like I have the perfect life, so why am I miserable? Well, we've been trying to conceive a second child for over three years. We didn't worry too much the first two years - we conceived very quickly the first time and realized that we weren't necessarily going to be that lucky the second time around so we were patient. After two years had gone by, we began to see a fertility specialist and have gone through the usual battery of tests: hormone levels, sperm counts, even laparoscopic surgery to rule out endometriosis. Basically, there is no medical reason for us not to conceive another child - except that it hasn't happened. I have been on Clomid (sp?) for the last three months with no success (but a whole bunch of symptoms). The next step(s) would be artificial insemination and/or IVF which we are not willing to take - for various reasons. So now I get to the point of my post - I am now in the process of "letting go" of my hopes of having another child and it hurts a lot. |
#6
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
Michelle Gibson wrote:
Anyway, I realize that I'm rambling now. I guess I just want to know if anyone has been in this situation before and, if so, how they dealt with it. My secondary infertility was directly related to my primary infertility but there are a few ladies that have gone through what you have on alt.infertility.secondary I suggest you read the FAQ located at http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/infertility.html The following is taken from the FAQ regarding the Secondary Group: Secondary infertility is the inability to conceive again after one or more successful pregnancies. This group is open to all who wish to discuss infertility, but be aware that most in the group have already successfully birthed and are raising at least one child. Some in the group have multiple children in their home. Children are discussed in many posts. The group hopes to have an open forum for anyone wishing to discuss infertility issues along with discussion of children. The group primarily encompasses emotional issues related to secondary infertility. Parenting after infertility is also discussed. The group includes those who had no prior infertility with having a child/children, but are now experiencing trouble achieving another pregnancy. The group also includes those who have had prior infertility perhaps of long duration involving extensive treatment to have a child/children and are now trying to achieve another pregnancy. Cross posting to other infertility groups should be avoided to prevent inadvertent upset by the mentioning of children to those who may be feeling sensitive. Some discussions might include: * Fear of a growing age difference between siblings. * Concerns of having an only child. * A child asking for a sibling. * Pressure by society to have a second child. * Overprotection issues of raising an only child. * Discussions about adoption as way to raise additional children. * Fertile friends, family, and co-workers having children easily. * Finding a babysitter so you can have medical treatment. -- Brigitte aa #2145 http://ca.geocities.com/bironmonger/ Please excuse the quality. It is under construction and I am still learning. :-) "Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare." ~ Harriet Martineau |
#7
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
"Michelle Gibson" wrote in message om... Hi all - this is my first post ever so please be kind!! We're TTC#1 at the moment and have just lost our first at 4 weeks (I feel daft being so upset!) and although we're nowhere near at your point of frustration yet, but I do wish you all the luck in the world in whatever you decide. Often its just relaxing and letting things go that means you get what you want....if that makes sense. Anyway, good luck to you. Jen |
#8
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
snipped body of original message
Ericka Kammerer wrote in message ... I'm sorry things have been so challenging for you. I have not had to endure infertility, so I won't pretend that I understand that. What I would ask though, is if you would consider another route to expanding your family if that's what you really want? I hear you about thinking about career issues and going back to sleepless nights and diapers. That was certainly an issue for us with a 6 year gap between #2 and #3. In our case, the gap wasn't due to infertility but to the fact that it took us that long to decide that we were ready, willing, and able to bring a third child into our family. I won't lie and say that bringing a baby into the mix after having the luxury of kids who were much more independent isn't a challenge. There are days I whack myself in the head and ask what the heck I was thinking! ;-) And it has certainly complicated my work life (I work part time, mostly telecommuting). I was at the point where I had all day while the kids were in school to work in peace or go in for meetings, and now I'm back to having to arrange childcare for those situations. On the other hand, for *us* it was still the right thing. Is that "hollow part" you feel something you can live with? While I firmly believe that the vast majority of people can decide to be happy with the life they're leading, even if it's not their first choice, I think it's also true that when it's *possible* to make a choice, sometimes the crazy choice is the right one ;-) It all depends on what you think you can live with and what your goals are for your life. Even though it seems that moving on is the sensible choice for you (holding at two was probably the sensible choice for us), if you know in your heart that another child is right for you I'd be inclined to chuck caution to the wind and consider adoption. On the other hand, maybe you know in your heart that the right thing for your family is to move on, in which case that's the way to go and I truly believe that you will come to peace with that decision. I know people who've done that and who, years later, feel very comfortable with their decision. I guess ultimately, what I'm saying is to be guided by what you know is right for your family, but don't be constrained by the limits of your own body or some external notion of what's sensible or appropriate. It's okay to do something crazy if it's really right for your family ;-) When you make your decision based on what you know is right for your family, you will come to peace about it eventually. I believe it's usually when you ignore what you know to be true that you end up regretting things later. Best wishes whatever happens! Ericka Ericka, Thanks for your thoughtful response. You make a lot of very good points. I have let the idea of a second child consume me for 2.5 years (we've been TTC for 3 years but I didn't worry for the first 6 months or so), so I set a self imposed deadline after which I wanted to give up and move on. The "deadline" had passed and I was depressed - hence my original post. You are correct about my wanting to do the "sensible" thing - I've been that way all my life (hey I'm an accountant - it's in the DNA). I'm glad that you reminded me that the "sensible" way is not always the best way. In my heart of hearts, I know that I will be disappointed if we can't have a second child. My son teaches me the meaning of love every day - not to mention being a funny kid - and the difficulties involved in having a baby do go by quickly (even if they don't seem to at the time). I'm in a much more positive frame of mind now. We are planning a big vacation in August, so I've deferred my job search until then. I'm also trying not obsess about it too much. Thanks again, Michelle |
#9
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
DeliciousTruffles wrote in message ...
My secondary infertility was directly related to my primary infertility but there are a few ladies that have gone through what you have on alt.infertility.secondary I suggest you read the FAQ located at http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/infertility.html snipped the rest of the message. Thanks for the advice. I will definitely check out this newsgroup. Michelle |
#10
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TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)
"BRC" wrote in message ...
"Michelle Gibson" wrote in message om... Hi all - this is my first post ever so please be kind!! We're TTC#1 at the moment and have just lost our first at 4 weeks (I feel daft being so upset!) and although we're nowhere near at your point of frustration yet, but I do wish you all the luck in the world in whatever you decide. Often its just relaxing and letting things go that means you get what you want....if that makes sense. Anyway, good luck to you. Jen Sorry for your loss Jen, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being upset. I don't mean to single you out but I just have to add, because it is one of those days, that relaxing and letting go has nothing to do with conceiving or maintaining a pregnancy. Nothing. As a matter of fact I have never achieved anything by "letting it go" -- didn't get myself educated and well employed that way, didn't meet a great husband by just letting go of the idea, didn't get a house by wishing for it, so I guess I'm not the type to just let go of the idea of having a child in the hopes that I will somehow magically get what I want after all this time. Sometimes you need to get aggressive about things, and make agonizing decisions. Michelle I hope that you and your family can soon arrive at a decision about growing your family. The uncertainty is terrible, and it is so consuming to try so hard for so long with no answers. Don't feel like you have to adhere to your self- imposed deadline -- you can always push it back one cycle at a time, or stop any time you want whether you've reached the deadline or not. Also, you can always pursue other goals while continuing to try to conceive or while you investigate other ways of growing your family, if that is what you choose. If your feelings of hollowness are persistent, perhaps you aren't quite ready to stop yet. Best of luck to you and your family Elle TTC 2.5 years 2 ectopics 1 m/c |
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