'Massive internal fart' kills patient

"MASSIVE INTERNAL FART" KILLS PATIENT See Humor Break, below.


PREGNANT WOMEN: You can EASILY allow your birth canal to open an "extra" up
to 30%. See simple instructions at the end of this post...


BEGIN HUMOR BREAK (via Dr. Jay Perrin on one of the chirolists...)

(These humorous stories are old, but some people might not have seen them
yet.)

True Doctors Stories

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I
instructed.
Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications.
Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered
Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast
this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to
get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly
and
the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon
whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
Dr. Won't admit his name


END HUMOR BREAK

NO JOKE! OBs are knowingly closing birth canals up and it is EASY for women
to allow their birth canals to OPEN the "extra" up to 30%...


PROOF that OBs and CNMwives are routinely closing birth canals up to
30%...

First, the fact that semisitting and dorsal close the birth canal is simple
biomechanics.

See Gastaldo TD. Letter. Birth 1992;19(4):230.

Here's my source for the 30% figure...

"[T]he outlet increases with moulding by approximately 20-30 per cent."
--Russell JGB. Moulding of the pelvic outlet. J Obstet Gynaec Brit Cwlth
1969;76:817-20.

NOTE: In 1973, Ohlsen verified Russell's 20% figure on
Borell and Fernstrom's 1957 intrapartum x-rays. Ohlsen pointed out that the
authors of Williams Obstetrics were claiming that the pelvic diameters
*don't
change* during delivery (!) - so the authors of Williams Obstetrics decided
(erroneously) that dorsal delivery widens!

Interestingly, early last century, J. Whitridge Williams, MD, the original
author of Williams Obstetrics demonstrated MASSIVE amounts of change in
pelvic outlet diameter change at-term - and the just mentioned 1957
intrapartum x-ray study accorded with the average amount of pelvic outlet
diameter change Williams found clinically...

See: http://home1.gte.net/gastaldo/part2ftc.html

Jason Gardosi, MD, director of the British National Health
Service/NHS West Midlands Perinatal
Institute/WMPI states the grisly biomechanics of the semirecumbent
delivery position (semisitting):

"...the weight of the mother is in part taken on the sacrum which is
therefore pushed upwards, thus decreasing the antero-posterior diameter of
the pelvic outlet..."
http://www.wmpi.net/reviews/oe/oe_shoulder_dystocia.htm

The funny thing is, Jason Gardosi, MD also *recommends* semisitting (closing
the birth canal) - or used to!

"The second stage...You might want to remain in bed with your back propped
up with pillows...As you push, try to let yourself 'open up' below..."
http://www.preg.info/book/chapter11.htm

NOTE: Jason Gardosi, MD and his fellow British OB pal Malcolm Griffiths once
got me censored from an international OB/GYN listserv - but fortunately not
before two of my posts were archived thereon:
http://forums.obgyn.net/forums/ob-gy...9707/0128.html
http://forums.obgyn.net/ob-gyn-l/OBGYNL.9707/0153.html

Anyone interested in some entertaining obstetric reading, check out Jason's
1989 Lancet "randomised controlled trial of squatting" - where nobody
squatted...

See Sarah Key's huge balls (also: Kids can SQUAT motionless for hours)...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/chiro-list/message/2084

MORE PROOF According to the Merck Manual:

"When shoulder dystocia occurs...the mother's thighs are hyperflexed to
increase the diameter of the pelvic outlet..."
http://www.merck.com/mrkshared/mmanu...er253/253g.jsp

WHY are OBs and CNMwives (nurse midwives) waiting until the
head is
out and shoulders get stuck before giving the baby maximum pelvic outlet
diameter?

WHY are OBs and CNMwives forcing babies' heads through birth canals
senselessly closed up to 30%?

WHY are OBs and CNMwives KEEPING birth canals closed when babies' shoulders
get stuck?

(Merely hyperflexing the thighs does NOT get the woman off her sacrum. This
is BAD McRoberts maneuver. ON A POSITIVE NOTE: Gardosi et al.'s WMPI site
(quoted above) recommends a version of GOOD McRoberts
if the shoulders get stuck...
http://www.wmpi.net/reviews/oe/oe_shoulder_dystocia.htm)

LADIES: HELP PROTECT YOUR VAGINAS...

OBs and CNMwives are slicing vaginas (euphemism "routine episiotomy") -
surgically/FRAUDULENTLY inferring everything possible is being done to OPEN
birth canals - even as they CLOSE birth canals - up to 30%!

See Criminal medical CAM at Hawai'i's John A Burns School of
Medicine
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group...t/message/2256

Sorry to be repetitive but...

WEIRD: In 1993, the authors of Williams Obstetrics published the correct
biomechanics at my request but they left in their text (in the same
paragraph!) the "dorsal widens" bald lie that first called my attention to
their text.

The "dorsal widens" bald lie was created when Ohlsen informed the authors of
Williams Obstetrics in 1973 that they were still claiming that the pelvic
diameters *don't change* at delivery!

ALSO WEIRD: Before Ohlsen stimulated their "dorsal widens" bald lie, the
authors of Williams Obstetrics were ignoring Borell and Fernstrom's 1957
RADIOGRAPHIC demonstration that the diameters DO change - and this MANY
years after (way back in 1911) J. Whitridge Williams, MD - the first author
of Williams Obstetrics - clinically demonstrated 4cm of AP outlet diameter
change!

For details: See my Open Letter to FTC at:
http://home1.gte.net/gastaldo/part2ftc.html


SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS

PREGNANT WOMEN: It is EASY for you to allow your birth canal to OPEN the
"extra" up
to 30%.
Just roll onto your side as you push your baby out - or deliver on
hands-and-knees, kneeling, standing, squatting, etc.

BUT BEWA "Midwives...encourage...semisitting." (closing the birth canal!)
--Yale CNMwifery Prof. Helen Varney. Varney's Midwifery. Sudbury, MA: Jones
and Bartlett. 4th ed. 2004:839]

Some MDs and MBs will let you "try" "alternative"
delivery positions but will move you back to dorsal or semisitting (close
your birth canal!) as you push your baby out!

If your baby's shoulders get stuck OBs and CNMwives will KEEP your birth
canal closed!

Yale CNMwifery Prof. Varney (just cited) writes:

"In the event of...shoulder dystocia...the woman should be
in a lithotomy position..." (p. 839)

Lithotomy position keeps the birth canal closed! So does semisitting!

Talk to your CNMwife or MD or MB about this TODAY. (For further details see
"Criminal medical CAM," URL above.)

CNMwives/MDs/MBs: If you must push or pull - and sometimes you must - first
get the
woman off her sacrum - off her back/butt.

Again, those SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS...

PREGNANT WOMEN: It is EASY for you to allow your birth canal to OPEN the
"extra" up
to 30%.

Just roll onto your side as you push your baby out - or deliver on
hands-and-knees, kneeling, standing, squatting, etc.

BUT BEWA "Midwives...encourage...semisitting." (closing the birth canal!)
--Yale CNMwifery Prof. Helen Varney. Varney's Midwifery. Sudbury, MA: Jones
and Bartlett. 4th ed. 2004:839]

And some MDs and MBs will let you "try" "alternative"
delivery positions but will move you back to dorsal or semisitting (close
your birth canal!) as you push your baby out!

Thanks for reading everyone.

Sincerely,

Todd

Dr. Gastaldo

"Todd Gastaldo" wrote in message
ink.net...
"MASSIVE INTERNAL FART" KILLS PATIENT See Humor Break, below.


PREGNANT WOMEN: You can EASILY allow your birth canal to open an "extra"
up
to 30%. See simple instructions at the end of this post...


BEGIN HUMOR BREAK (via Dr. Jay Perrin on one of the chirolists...)

(These humorous stories are old, but some people might not have seen them
yet.)

True Doctors Stories

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that
he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the
cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I
instructed.
Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications.
Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had
him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the
man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal
of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have
you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered
Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast
this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem
to
get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly
and
the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady
upon
whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
Dr. Won't admit his name



The nurse says, "Doctor, there's a woman in the waiting room who thinks
she's invisible." The doctor replies, "Tell her we can't see her right now."
BadumBump

;o) Rich