OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)

..oO rach Oo. wrote:

Sorry I can't help more. Good luck and Happy Mothers Day to YOU

Thanks for sharing & Happy Mothers Day to you too!

sharalyns wrote:

It's a hard situation, and you have to decide what is right for you,
your dh, and your children. If that means you suck it up (and I
recommend counseling for you if you do to help you learn how to let
things roll of your back) or if that means you limit contact in any
fashion, you need to make sure that it is right for you and your
family. No two situations are exactly the same, so I can't tell you
what to do in your situation, I can just give you my experience.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Sharalyn
mom to Alexander James (9/21/01)

Wow, thanks for posting!

I think I just need to learn how to let it 'roll'. :-)

For me, my mom and I had a really dreadful relationship until I was
about 22. For us, it changed within the space of a single conversation.
She'd done something that hurt my feelings or otherwise upset me. I
told her that it hurt my feelings or upset me. And she immediatley had
teh knee-jerk "Oh, then I must be a bad mother" reaction. Which pushed
all sorts of buttons for me and was usually the start of a really nasty
argument. That time, though, I just said, "you know, I'm tired of this
argument, and I don't want to have it anymore. It never gets us
anywhere and it makes us both feel bad."

And then I walked away.

About 10 minutes later she followed me and said, "You're right. Let's
stop."

And we did.

I know it isn't always that easy...and it helped that she was "ready
for it".

But what I did to get to that point was sit down "with myself" and
think about the chain-of-events that would define one of our typical
arguments. And I thought a lot about how they made me feel. And the
fact that they didnt' change anything (my behavior, her behavior, that
we'd keep having the same argument over and over) was a huge factor. So
I learned to recognize the point at which things would spiral into the
'no-benefit' zone. And the next time it happened, I was able to step
away from the discussion.

It's about boundary setting. You absolutely cannot change your mother.
But you can take away the reward to her for treating you badly. You can
"not engage", then wait for a time when hostilities aren't flying to
say, "I love you, and I want to be able to have positive and good
conversations with you, but I've been feeling attacked and belittled
and I don't want to feel that way. I'd rather stop a conversation
completely than go there anymore."

Hope it helps. If it doesn't... sometimes you do have to cut and run to
protect your sanity and sense of self, especially when it concerns
someone you are particularly vulnerable to.

Jenrose

Kudos to your hubby for doing the right thing and defending you.