What to do????? What to do?????

Hi all.....

Most you know my situation, my daughters father dying and all. That took
place the end of April.

I had asked his girlfriend to send S some of his stuff. T-shirts, jewelry,
personal things of his, and half his cd collection. She is by law entitled
to half his stuff. Actually at this point, all his stuff until the baby is
born and is proven to be his. ( As I have found more stuff out about what
WAS going on, I think there is a chance the baby might not be his.)

2 months and nothing. How long does one wait? What is appropriate? She
emails S and talks about her fathers things and hanging them in the babies
room and stuff. She said she had a necklace HE bought with the intention of
giving it to S but hasn't even mailed that yet. I want to be decent here but
I am getting to wonder if she won't just keep everything for HER baby. I
have seen people act worse so it wouldn't surprise me. Of course, I can get
an attorney to write up a nice little letter and threaten to take it to
court in a heartbeat or maybe just take a day off and drive down there and
get the **** myself. I am getting ****ed. I don't discuss this with S but I
am really getting ****ed! I found out from his mother that he has all his
baby book stuff and even she wants S to have that. S is the first born and
all. This baby is going to grow up knowing another man as his father
anyways. I know he should know of his biological father too but I am
realistic and I know the mother is going to get a man and that man is going
to be daddy. All S has now of her father is a few memories and hopefully
some of his **** so she has SOMETHING! These things aren't worth money so
don't get me wrong. This is NOT about money. He had nothing of financial
value.

I don't know why this ****es me off so much! I am also dealing with my
Grandfather passing too and my Dad hiding the will from us grandkids and
that is a whole other story.

Ok guys..... tell me something!

T

2 months and nothing. How long does one wait?

2 months is not a long time in terms of grief. I didn't go through my
husband's stuff till a long time after that. Maybe if you offer to come and
look through it. Maybe just the idea of going through his stuff is too much
for her.

I know your daughter wants this stuff, but remember you are dealing with
someone else in grief as well.

I'd be real careful and don't start talking about lawyers yet.

Joelle

The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

On Thu, 8 Jul 2004 22:33:57 -0400, "Tiffany"
wrote:

Hi all.....

Most you know my situation, my daughters father dying and all. That took
place the end of April.

I had asked his girlfriend to send S some of his stuff. T-shirts, jewelry,
personal things of his, and half his cd collection. She is by law entitled
to half his stuff. Actually at this point, all his stuff until the baby is
born and is proven to be his. ( As I have found more stuff out about what
WAS going on, I think there is a chance the baby might not be his.)

2 months and nothing. How long does one wait? What is appropriate? She
emails S and talks about her fathers things and hanging them in the babies
room and stuff. She said she had a necklace HE bought with the intention of
giving it to S but hasn't even mailed that yet. I want to be decent here but
I am getting to wonder if she won't just keep everything for HER baby. I
have seen people act worse so it wouldn't surprise me. Of course, I can get
an attorney to write up a nice little letter and threaten to take it to
court in a heartbeat or maybe just take a day off and drive down there and
get the **** myself. I am getting ****ed. I don't discuss this with S but I
am really getting ****ed! I found out from his mother that he has all his
baby book stuff and even she wants S to have that. S is the first born and
all. This baby is going to grow up knowing another man as his father
anyways. I know he should know of his biological father too but I am
realistic and I know the mother is going to get a man and that man is going
to be daddy. All S has now of her father is a few memories and hopefully
some of his **** so she has SOMETHING! These things aren't worth money so
don't get me wrong. This is NOT about money. He had nothing of financial
value.

I don't know why this ****es me off so much! I am also dealing with my
Grandfather passing too and my Dad hiding the will from us grandkids and
that is a whole other story.

Ok guys..... tell me something!

Tiff, does your daughter want this stuff or do you?

lm

"lm" wrote in message
news
On Thu, 8 Jul 2004 22:33:57 -0400, "Tiffany"
wrote:

Hi all.....



snip


Tiff, does your daughter want this stuff or do you?

lm

She wants something to remember him. Again, this stuff isn't worth money,
its stuff like cd's, baby book/pictures, ect.

Whether or not its her or I acting in her best interest, she is still
entitled to his stuff.

T

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Thu, 8 Jul 2004 22:33:57 -0400, "Tiffany"
Hi all.....

Most you know my situation, my daughters father dying and all. That took
place the end of April.

I had asked his girlfriend to send S some of his stuff. T-shirts,
jewelry,
personal things of his, and half his cd collection. She is by law
entitled
to half his stuff. Actually at this point, all his stuff until the baby
is
born and is proven to be his. ( As I have found more stuff out about what
WAS going on, I think there is a chance the baby might not be his.)

2 months and nothing. How long does one wait? What is appropriate? She
emails S and talks about her fathers things and hanging them in the
babies
room and stuff. She said she had a necklace HE bought with the intention
of
giving it to S but hasn't even mailed that yet. I want to be decent here
but
I am getting to wonder if she won't just keep everything for HER baby. I
have seen people act worse so it wouldn't surprise me. Of course, I can
get
an attorney to write up a nice little letter and threaten to take it to
court in a heartbeat or maybe just take a day off and drive down there
and
get the **** myself. I am getting ****ed. I don't discuss this with S but
I
am really getting ****ed! I found out from his mother that he has all his
baby book stuff and even she wants S to have that. S is the first born
and
all. This baby is going to grow up knowing another man as his father
anyways. I know he should know of his biological father too but I am
realistic and I know the mother is going to get a man and that man is
going
to be daddy. All S has now of her father is a few memories and hopefully
some of his **** so she has SOMETHING! These things aren't worth money so
don't get me wrong. This is NOT about money. He had nothing of financial
value.

I don't know why this ****es me off so much! I am also dealing with my
Grandfather passing too and my Dad hiding the will from us grandkids and
that is a whole other story.

Ok guys..... tell me something!

T


I know you're impatient to have things settled and done. I can't blame
you. The longer this draws out, the more chance that there will be
trouble. I think, though, that this is one time when compassionate
understanding will go a long way. She is, after all, grieving and
pregnant. 2 months isn't all that long.

There may be financial reasons why she can't ship things to S right now
or it may be that she's simply not feeling well enough. Try to get her
to tell you when she'll start mailing. Perhaps you can suggest that even
one or two things would be fine until she's able to send more given that
she probably shouldn't be lifting heavy things. Or suggest that UPS pick
up at her home. They will often do that.

Also, write her a letter or talk to her and ask her to make a list for
you so that you can talk about this to your daughter. Explain that it's
important to S that her father didn't forget her. The list will help
just in case you do need a lawyer. You don't really have to talk about
it with your daughter but it will help elicit a bit of empathy.

Best suggestion... unless you know a lawyer who will send a letter for
free, don't threaten it. They're darn expensive.

'Kate


I do have a close acquaintance that is an attorney, first off. I know other
wise I wouldn't dare go there! lol

I don't think finances are an issue. She talks of buying things all the
time. She lives with her folks who are pretty well off. She also mentions
doing various things with his stuff, for the baby. These comments are what
makes me think she is going to hang on to everything of his.

I will give it some time and maybe write her a letter. Any attorney action
would be a last resort, trust me!

Thanks!

T

"Joelle" wrote in message
...
2 months and nothing. How long does one wait?

2 months is not a long time in terms of grief. I didn't go through my
husband's stuff till a long time after that. Maybe if you offer to come
and
look through it. Maybe just the idea of going through his stuff is too
much
for her.

I understand that and I am being patient concerning her grief but what about
my daughter's needs? I think what ****es me off is that her feelings have
always been secondary in her father's life and it still shows.

T

I think what ****es me off is that her feelings have
always been secondary in her father's life and it still shows.


Well, that's right. That's the hard truth. THe woman and baby meant more to
this guy than your daughter. That's what ****es you off. Not the fact that
you can't get some stuff for your daughter.

Grief is a time of anger and anger gets misplaced. It's not this woman's
fault. You are not angry at her. You are angry at a dead man. Don't start
aiming it at her, or she'll start aiming her anger at you and you don't need
that, your daughter doesn't need that.

Take a deep breath. The stuff is not worth it. The stuff will not change the
fact that he was not a father to her. Maybe he would have been, but he went a
died and stuff isn't going to change that.

That's what you need to talk to your daughter about. You may need to let this
woman, her baby and his stuff go.

joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

On Fri, 9 Jul 2004 09:11:29 -0400, "Tiffany"
wrote:


"lm" wrote in message
news
On Thu, 8 Jul 2004 22:33:57 -0400, "Tiffany"
wrote:

Hi all.....



snip


Tiff, does your daughter want this stuff or do you?

lm

She wants something to remember him. Again, this stuff isn't worth money,
its stuff like cd's, baby book/pictures, ect.

Whether or not its her or I acting in her best interest, she is still
entitled to his stuff.

It's just stuff. If she has memories, she can remember him without
stuff. If she has a photo of him or of them, that's even better. CDs
of his might be meaningful if they had shared a love for music and
listened together or something, but otherwise where's the value in
them for your daughter? Grief is one thing, anger and resentment are
another thing altogether.

I understand your POV but I'm not sure how your frustration over the
way things *should* be is helping either you or your daughter.

lm

"Tiffany" wrote in message ...
Hi all.....

Most you know my situation, my daughters father dying and all. That took
place the end of April.

I had asked his girlfriend to send S some of his stuff. T-shirts, jewelry,
personal things of his, and half his cd collection. She is by law entitled
to half his stuff. Actually at this point, all his stuff until the baby is
born and is proven to be his. ( As I have found more stuff out about what
WAS going on, I think there is a chance the baby might not be his.)

Joelle has excellent advice in this thread for you.

But, besides that... are you sure that she (and I think you mean your
daughter, not the girlfriend, right?) is by law entitled to this
stuff? Wouldn't his parents be next of kin? How does this work? Would
a trust have to be set up until the kid (or kids I guess since he now
has two?) turn 18, or something? Would the grandparents be the
trustees? How long was the girlfriend his girlfriend? I bet she
doesn't have legal rights at all to have his stuff.

If you're friendly with the girlfriend, perhaps you could research it
together when things are comfortable with everyone involved. I can see
why you may worry that things may disappear or something, if everyone
isn't on-board together with the kids' best interest at heart.

Since you're ready for answers, and have been wisely advised not rock
the boat with everyone involved, I don't see why you can't do some
research on your own and see what your options are, if you need to
cross that road down the line. Keep cool about it, though. And, if the
baby turns out not to be his, your footwork may come in handy when
push comes to shove down the line.

How much is all of his stuff worth, anyway? Is it worth the price of
an attorney? Or, can you find free legal aid somehow?

Karen

"Karen O'Mara" wrote in message
om...
"Tiffany" wrote in message
...
Hi all.....

Most you know my situation, my daughters father dying and all. That took
place the end of April.

I had asked his girlfriend to send S some of his stuff. T-shirts,
jewelry,
personal things of his, and half his cd collection. She is by law
entitled
to half his stuff. Actually at this point, all his stuff until the baby
is
born and is proven to be his. ( As I have found more stuff out about
what
WAS going on, I think there is a chance the baby might not be his.)

Joelle has excellent advice in this thread for you.

But, besides that... are you sure that she (and I think you mean your
daughter, not the girlfriend, right?) is by law entitled to this
stuff? Wouldn't his parents be next of kin? How does this work? Would
a trust have to be set up until the kid (or kids I guess since he now
has two?) turn 18, or something? Would the grandparents be the
trustees? How long was the girlfriend his girlfriend? I bet she
doesn't have legal rights at all to have his stuff.

If you're friendly with the girlfriend, perhaps you could research it
together when things are comfortable with everyone involved. I can see
why you may worry that things may disappear or something, if everyone
isn't on-board together with the kids' best interest at heart.

Since you're ready for answers, and have been wisely advised not rock
the boat with everyone involved, I don't see why you can't do some
research on your own and see what your options are, if you need to
cross that road down the line. Keep cool about it, though. And, if the
baby turns out not to be his, your footwork may come in handy when
push comes to shove down the line.

How much is all of his stuff worth, anyway? Is it worth the price of
an attorney? Or, can you find free legal aid somehow?

Karen

Yes, she is by law entitled to his stuff. If it went to his parents, she
would most definitely get most the stuff. I already talked to an attorney
and in the end I wouldn't really need to pay an attorney. That is all LAST
resort. No, this is not a financial thing. Nothing is worth money. It is
baby pictures, childhood things, ect. The music collection are bootlegs and
yes they shared a love of music, when they were together, that is.

T