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#1
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Should I say something?
The other day my son was with his grandparents, and my nephew was there as
well. My brother and I both work, and it being summer, the children spend a lot of time with Grandma and Papaw. Well apparently while they were playing, my son (who is 12) shut my nephew (who is 7) in the closet and wouldn't let him out. My mother made a point of telling me that had happened when I picked my son up that evening. She also told me that my father had "handled it." I am not sure if I should discuss this with my son, or let it go with the talking to he got from his beloved Papaw. I mean, I remember growing up, and the devastation I felt when my father told me he was disappointed in what I had done. But, I am my son's parent, and although he had been talked to, there had been no other consequences. The other concern I have, is my brother also was told about the incident, and is angry. I don't blame him, but he wants to discuss this with my son. My brother said, "J knows M is afraid of closets. He knows that! Why would he do such a thing?" I of course replied, logically I felt, "There were many times you knew what I hated, but continually did those things just to torment me. It's a kid thing." And even though they aren't siblings, during the summer they are together so much, they may as well be. Anytime I take my nephew with us anywhere they think he's my son. Anytime my brother and I take our kids anywhere together, people assume we are a 'couple.' Of course the are properly embarrassed when I say, "that's my brother." It's nice having family around, other than my parents. The problem I am having is I have the 'older' child and don't get much advice, just moral support. And my brother refuses to think I know anything about how to handle my nephew. I feel my brother may say something that would not be beneficial in this situation. I have asked my brother to talk to my son about certain things, because although he is 12 he is going through puberty, and sometimes it's better for boys to have a 'guy' to talk to if possible. I am lucky in that respect. But, in this respect if anyone says anything more, I feel it should be me. But what do I say, how do I approach the issue? Or do I just leave it alone, or tell the counselor on Friday? Any suggestions? Betsy -- Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. |
#2
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Should I say something?
If you trust the way your father handled it, why not let it go as long as it
doesn't happen again. See if you can't get your brother to ltrust your dad to have handled it. I don't see how a bunch of after the fact lectures are going to help. And you are right, it was just a dumb boy kid thing. I wouldn't loose a lot of sleep about it. The tough thing about your brother is that it is a tough line to sometimes rely on your brother for help (and it's a good thing for your son to have a man) but then drawing the line that he's there for "support" - he's not the father, he doesn't have equal say in raising your boy - that's your job. It's probably a good thing that he is trying to cross the line, it just means he's taking the father role seriously, but it's your job to decide the line and enforce it. Joelle |
#3
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Should I say something?
In ,
Joelle typed: If you trust the way your father handled it, why not let it go as long as it doesn't happen again. See if you can't get your brother to ltrust your dad to have handled it. I don't see how a bunch of after the fact lectures are going to help. And you are right, it was just a dumb boy kid thing. I wouldn't loose a lot of sleep about it. The tough thing about your brother is that it is a tough line to sometimes rely on your brother for help (and it's a good thing for your son to have a man) but then drawing the line that he's there for "support" - he's not the father, he doesn't have equal say in raising your boy - that's your job. It's probably a good thing that he is trying to cross the line, it just means he's taking the father role seriously, but it's your job to decide the line and enforce it. Joelle I appreciate the advice Joelle. I told my son today that since he and my nephew were going to be with the babysitter today, I expected his behavior to be better than it was at home. Usually he doesn't have a problem with other adults, just me. I guess that's their job, right? Make us gray early or something? I feel my father is definitely capable of handling situations as they arise, provided it's early enough in the day, before 'cocktail hour' as it were. I have become a surrogate mother for my nephew during his visits with his father. Sometimes I see some behaviors that worry me, but when I try to bring it up to my brother I am met with resistance. Certain things my brother has a hard time accepting. He is bi-polar, and recently began medication therapy after denying his need for any treatment. He admits to feeling better on the meds, but now I notice he is getting back into old habits. Sometimes to get him to even follow through with his own son, let alone mine. I am trying not to burden either one of them, my brother or my son. What do I do when it's time for my son to start shaving? What do I say when he asks about dating? I have a lot of dilemmas arising in the future, and I haven't a single thought how to handle things. I like knowing there's someone there who is in a similar situation. A teenage (or nearly so) boy with no father. Of course if I had a choice, it would be different. I like to think I would be tolerable of my ex, but having not had to be for so long, I don't know for certain. He made the decision to terminate his parental rights, and he is missing out on a lot with our son. I just wonder how much my son is missing, and how it's going to affect him. Okay, I got off the original topic. Thanks again Joelle. Betsy -- Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. |
#4
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Should I say something?
ometimes I see some behaviors that worry me, but
when I try to bring it up to my brother I am met with resistance. Certain things my brother has a hard time accepting. Ah. Well that's the opposite that I talked about with regards to you son and your brother. You are there as a support for your nephew, but you are not his mother and you dont' have the same imput as his dad. You may not agree with everything your brother is doing, but he's dad and you you have no control. Just like you have to draw the line with your brother and your son, you have to realize there is a line with your nephew and you. Joelle |
#5
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Should I say something?
"Betsy" wrote in message .com...
I think you have to talk to your son, even though he got a telling-off by his grandfather. Just because you hated being shouted at by him when you were a child does not mean that it will have the same impact on your son. While I believe you should bring it up, maybe because he has been chastised about it, you should not shout but talk rationally to him about his actions. You could concentrate on the fact that he is 12, older and wiser than his 7-year-old cousin and should be looking out for him, not torturing him (I dont mean that literally). You should also come up with some sort of punishment, whatever you think yourself to be appropriate. There have been times when my daughter has been shouted at by her nanny and I wont rehash it but as you said with you and your father, I have done the whole talk 'I am disappointed in your behaviour, I expect more from you', etc, etc, without blowing my top. But I dont believe the situation with your son and nephew warrants any bad feeling between you and your brother and dont take any nonsense about it. Deal with your son and tell your brother you are doing so and leave it at that. I dont think its a big deal but I would nip stuff like this in the bud because it isnt nice behaviour but at the end of the day, we can all be ****es to each other and none more than children to each other. But DO talk to him about it. SA The other day my son was with his grandparents, and my nephew was there as well. My brother and I both work, and it being summer, the children spend a lot of time with Grandma and Papaw. Well apparently while they were playing, my son (who is 12) shut my nephew (who is 7) in the closet and wouldn't let him out. My mother made a point of telling me that had happened when I picked my son up that evening. She also told me that my father had "handled it." I am not sure if I should discuss this with my son, or let it go with the talking to he got from his beloved Papaw. I mean, I remember growing up, and the devastation I felt when my father told me he was disappointed in what I had done. But, I am my son's parent, and although he had been talked to, there had been no other consequences. The other concern I have, is my brother also was told about the incident, and is angry. I don't blame him, but he wants to discuss this with my son. My brother said, "J knows M is afraid of closets. He knows that! Why would he do such a thing?" I of course replied, logically I felt, "There were many times you knew what I hated, but continually did those things just to torment me. It's a kid thing." And even though they aren't siblings, during the summer they are together so much, they may as well be. Anytime I take my nephew with us anywhere they think he's my son. Anytime my brother and I take our kids anywhere together, people assume we are a 'couple.' Of course the are properly embarrassed when I say, "that's my brother." It's nice having family around, other than my parents. The problem I am having is I have the 'older' child and don't get much advice, just moral support. And my brother refuses to think I know anything about how to handle my nephew. I feel my brother may say something that would not be beneficial in this situation. I have asked my brother to talk to my son about certain things, because although he is 12 he is going through puberty, and sometimes it's better for boys to have a 'guy' to talk to if possible. I am lucky in that respect. But, in this respect if anyone says anything more, I feel it should be me. But what do I say, how do I approach the issue? Or do I just leave it alone, or tell the counselor on Friday? Any suggestions? Betsy |
#6
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Should I say something?
Betsy wrote in message ... my son (who is 12) shut my nephew (who is 7) in the closet and wouldn't let him out. But what do I say, how do I approach the issue? Or do I just leave it alone, or tell the counselor on Friday? Leave it. It's been dealt with by the house owner. Should your son bring it up then definatly discuss it and express your point of view. Dennis |
#7
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Should I say something?
Betsy wrote in message ... What do I do when it's time for my son to start shaving? What do I say when he asks about dating? I have a lot of dilemmas arising in the future, and I haven't a single thought how to handle things. Yeah, like big and bouncy magazines, masturbation, sex, drugs and rock and roll, but mainly sex. Email me if you are not comfortable posting here. I have helped out quite a few single mothers of boys here over the years. Dennis, three boys who have yet to surprise me. |
#8
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Should I say something?
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#9
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Should I say something?
"Dennis Here" youreply wrote in message ... Betsy wrote in message ... What do I do when it's time for my son to start shaving? What do I say when he asks about dating? I have a lot of dilemmas arising in the future, and I haven't a single thought how to handle things. Yeah, like big and bouncy magazines, masturbation, sex, drugs and rock and roll, but mainly sex. Email me if you are not comfortable posting here. I have helped out quite a few single mothers of boys here over the years. Dennis, three boys who have yet to surprise me. I think I'll take ya up on that when my sons get older because sometimes I just have no idea, and books aren't all that helpful. lol Christine |
#10
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Should I say something?
"Betsy" wrote in message . com... snip Anytime my brother and I take our kids anywhere together, people assume we are a 'couple.' Of course the are properly embarrassed when I say, "that's my brother." I have one better.......throughout my recent trip through S.A, and despite my travel agent's notification to everyplace we stayed that it was father/daughter.....just about every place we checked into had us listed as Mr./Mrs......... and the look of horror on my 13 y.o's face when they opened the room door to find ONE double bed. LOL Talk about embarrassed desk clerks ;-) |
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