The drunken stupor post

Hey HanK,

You were either in a complete drunken stupor or had the bottle (for the
Americans that translates as cojones) to say what a lot of us Dads feel. If
it was a case of the bottle then hats off. You are right. Its not good. I
tried to really let loose in Amsterdam. Somehow the drink, drugs and sex
were not as attractive as I thought. I did get enough of a holiday that I am
recharged now for the next year but I wish we were a family. I am back in UK
and just praying that on the due date I get my daughter back and that it
does not hurt her too badly when her mum leaves again for another year at
least, something she will have to live with, I will have to handle. Its all
crap. I don't understand why her mum could not live with me, why she
obviously thought I was so bad, there is no way I will introduce another
'mum' to my daughters life, she only has one mum and thats the way I want
it. So many of my dreams have died as a result of all this I only have the
one thing left and that's my daughter. I can't physically do some of the
things I wanted with my life and still look after her, I feel so good with
her but I can't help but think sometimes how it could have been if we were
all a family. Hey, if you are serious about trips then if I get the
opportunity again I will let you know in good time and you are more than
welcome to come with me (I snore, we would have to share and I have a
feeling that in the past few years I have farted at least once at night. If
you can handle that then no probs) as it is a lot cheaper with two. We could
have got a week with flights, hotel and brekkie in a four star hotel for two
hundred each if we had gone together.

Andrew

Also in yet another alcoholic stupor just waiting for daughter to come
back.(pray pray pray) I wish my wife could see her way to coming back and
living in the UK even if in another place just so it would be easier for my
daughter to see mum, yearly arrivals and split ups are going to be really
hard on her, why put her through it?

You know the stupid thing Andrew? where ever I look at my friends who are
either custodial parents or non custodial, they all have more issues than
any other people I know,( spent an hour on the phone last night with a
friend because her childs father has said he wont see the kid if the mother
takes him to the CSA! however she is having trouble surviving without the
cash, lose/lose again.), problem is the system only turns out winners
(lawyers) and losers (parents), IMHO I lost "less" by being
custodial............but gained a bag of issues that I was in no way able to
deal with.....two years down the line things are marginally
better......marginally.

In truth if your ex wont live in this country, the only real possible
outcome will be less and less contact until it becomes Zero, due to the fact
that as your child get older she will determine what she does in her spare
time, and lets face it what 13 year old girl (or 14 or 12 or whatever) wants
to go to visit a absentee parent in Sweden as opposed to spending the
holidays with her mates/boy friend/dad she loves/family she loves/clubs etc?

I suppose you were kind of forced into a situation of take on a huge
responsability that you probably never expected and will last for at least
25 years, or alternativly have at the very most sporadic contact with your
child who would be brought up in a different culture, hobsons choice* .

My ex partner lives 90 miles from me and I think just that distance will
affect long term contact, there are allready two b/day parties a month on a
weekend that will need to be attended, so her mother has to visit my
home.....or not as the case will become when she settles down with the next
erect penis that crosses her path.

Stab in the dark, do you live in Reading/Berks area? that photog you
mentioned covers that area so thats the basis for my guess.

When she get back?

HanK

*for our distant cousins over the pond who dont read or travel, and only
have a censured press that is owned by W's oil men buddies

Hobson (c. 1544-1631) was a Cambridge stable manager who let horses. He
insisted customers take the horse in the stall closest to the door (the next
one up) or take none at all. Hence, a Hobson's choice is no choice at all.
He was made famous by Milton. The phrase dates to 1660.

XxX

Happy new year folks.

'Kate wrote in message ...
On Wed, 31 Dec 2003 00:17:58 +0000 (UTC), "Andrew"


snip of most of the post

I wish my wife could see her way to coming back and
living in the UK even if in another place just so it would be easier for
my
daughter to see mum, yearly arrivals and split ups are going to be really
hard on her, why put her through it?

Sorry hon. It's probably going to be harder in the long run on you than
your little one. I'm sure that you'll be able to focus your daughter's
thoughts away from the parting and toward telling you all about her
vacation with her Mom. You, on the other hand, do not have someone
directing what you think but you're young, healthy, and of sound mind.
You also have a daughter who loves you. Life isn't perfect but it is
good and having a mother part time is better than not having a mother at
all.

'Kate


Thanks Kate, I just got some emails from Sweden about things to do when they
return to London so I feel more secure that she is coming back (my
daughter). You are right in that I do find it hard to get my mind around.
Especially since I got an email which says 'you probably don't believe me
but despite everything that has happened you are still my best friend and I
will always love you' from my childs mum. What am I supposed to do or say?
Am I being told to keep my life on permanent hold just in case she decides
to come back to us? Am I being prepared for some unpleasant action she wants
to take? In some ways it would be easier for me to handle if she just sent
me a mail to say 'get lost, I do not like you anymore you scum'. At least
that would close the book.

Andrew

PS, say that stuff about 'still young' again. I love to hear it!!!

"HanK" wrote in message
...
You know the stupid thing Andrew? where ever I look at my friends who are
either custodial parents or non custodial, they all have more issues than
any other people I know,( spent an hour on the phone last night with a
friend because her childs father has said he wont see the kid if the
mother
takes him to the CSA! however she is having trouble surviving without the
cash, lose/lose again.), problem is the system only turns out winners
(lawyers) and losers (parents), IMHO I lost "less" by being
custodial............but gained a bag of issues that I was in no way able
to
deal with.....two years down the line things are marginally
better......marginally.

In truth if your ex wont live in this country, the only real possible
outcome will be less and less contact until it becomes Zero, due to the
fact
that as your child get older she will determine what she does in her spare
time, and lets face it what 13 year old girl (or 14 or 12 or whatever)
wants
to go to visit a absentee parent in Sweden as opposed to spending the
holidays with her mates/boy friend/dad she loves/family she loves/clubs
etc?

I suppose you were kind of forced into a situation of take on a huge
responsability that you probably never expected and will last for at least
25 years, or alternativly have at the very most sporadic contact with your
child who would be brought up in a different culture, hobsons choice* .

My ex partner lives 90 miles from me and I think just that distance will
affect long term contact, there are allready two b/day parties a month on
a
weekend that will need to be attended, so her mother has to visit my
home.....or not as the case will become when she settles down with the
next
erect penis that crosses her path.

Stab in the dark, do you live in Reading/Berks area? that photog you
mentioned covers that area so thats the basis for my guess.

When she get back?

HanK

*for our distant cousins over the pond who dont read or travel, and only
have a censured press that is owned by W's oil men buddies

Hobson (c. 1544-1631) was a Cambridge stable manager who let horses. He
insisted customers take the horse in the stall closest to the door (the
next
one up) or take none at all. Hence, a Hobson's choice is no choice at all.
He was made famous by Milton. The phrase dates to 1660.

XxX

Happy new year folks.




I agree about who the winners and the losers are!!! I actually live in
Purley (South London), maybe the deal is just so lucrative for the photogs
that they are happy to travel. Spent over forty quid on the last set of
photos (some framed, some wallet size) as both proofs were great and also I
want to give copies to her mum when they get back from Sweden next week.
Must be tough with your ex partner sorting out parties and things,
functions, LegoLand weekends and that kind of stuff. In some ways as its
only me in the country there just is no dispute about who takes her to the
party or who is with her on her birthday.

PS, I did not know where the term Hobsons choice came from so thanks

Andrew

'Kate wrote in message news
On Wed, 31 Dec 2003 12:07:44 +0000 (UTC), "Andrew"



It's really hard to let go when the feelings are still there isn't it?
What I'm reading in what she said is that as long as you keep things
pleasant and undemanding (underline that), she will too.

There will probably be a problem if you get involved with someone else
because to her, it will feel like she's being cheated on regardless of
the fact that she is the one who instigated the separation. She's
teetering inbetween her two lives and hasn't fully stepped off the
platform into something new but she will. Until then she needs to know
that you're in the wings waiting.

What this means is that you have considerable influence on her. She
wants you to in some ways but wants to hold you off in others
(romantically and with regard to her personal decisions). Because you
have influence you have some control but you can't let her feel that or
she will revolt. Instead, you can use positive "parenting" techniques
.... sounds odd, I know, but she does seem to be using you as a father
in that you're supposed to care for her but it can't be romantic and it
will only lead to her being able to separate further.

Is she coming back with your daughter for a short time then? If so, is
she staying with you?

'Kate


Thanks Kate,

It is hard to just write off eighteen years with a 'ciao, see you later'.
You are very right on that front. Got me thinking about the positive
parenting bit and stuff. One thing, no danger of me getting involved with
anyone else, there just is neither the time nor the opportunity. I do intend
to keep being as peaceful and cooperative as is consistent with best
interests of our daughter, I really don't have the energy or the inclination
to fight for no reason. She is coming back with our daughter and staying
with me for two days then she leaves again. Any other suggestions? I do
intend to be pleasant, go out for a meal together, I will avoid referring to
our relationship at all. Thanks again, its been helpful.

Andrew