Some things can just set the heart a-shudderin'....

Hiyas....
a couple of years ago, when custody became an issue again, my ex kept
insisting that the scathing sarcasm big, bad, mean, witch of an exwife
(that'd be me!) prevented him from visiting with his son. My question to him
in court (through the great articulation of my lawyer) was, "where have you
been for the last 5 to 6 years??" He never could come up with an excuse.
Well, that Christmas, the social worker acted as "middle-man" by giving me a
gift from my ex's mom to give to my son. My son looked at it and asked who
it was from. I never really knew how to respond except that it was from "Mr.
Brown's Mom" and left it at that. Kids aren't stupid. They know. The
following year, he didn't get anything from them and had asked me why. I
didn't know how to answer him. My ex and his family used to do that to me
all the time.... I'd get questions like, "why did X say that to you?" I
hated making excuses for those people and even now, I feel as if I still
have to make excuses for them.
What's especially sad is that it has come to light that for the last several
years, The paternal great grandmother would send gifts to my ex to forward
on to my son. In the last 7 years, my son hasn't received a single gift from
the paternal great-grandma. I won't say anything.... for now to my son but
what if one day, just by chance, I'm visiting my hometown and she just
happens to be there (chances are slim to nonexistent) in the same store, for
example.... and she recognizes me and starts asking questions about my
son.... I've always known this woman to be really nice. but damn.... I keep
feeling like I have to make excuses because as my son gets older, he figures
stuff out. I know that my concerns may not even happen or happen a ways down
the road into the future but I can't help thinking about it now. How do I
handle situation XYZ if it should arise..... Does that make sense? Heck....
I may simply just be venting right now..... I dunno.... guess I'll take a
time out for now. =)

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

i AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED SOMETHING LIKE THAT. My son has had no visitors,
gifts or even cards from any member of his father's family since he was 6
months old. He is only 19 months now and I am still trying to convince his
father to stop missing his visits. Our extended families grew up an on
the same side of town and even attend the same church. I have since moved
and attend a different (closer) church but I am still less than 30 minutes
away from their neigborhood. Last year I sent them all Christmas cards and
pictures. This year I saved my stamps. I figure I shouldn't chase them to
adore their only grandson/nephew/godson. But now I realize where our son's
father gets his poor parenting/family skills. I look forward to responses
from this group.

slykitten wrote:
Hiyas....
a couple of years ago, when custody became an issue again, my ex kept
insisting that the scathing sarcasm big, bad, mean, witch of an
exwife
(that'd be me!) prevented him from visiting with his son. My question
to him
in court (through the great articulation of my lawyer) was, "where
have you
been for the last 5 to 6 years??" He never could come up with an
excuse.
Well, that Christmas, the social worker acted as "middle-man" by
giving me a
gift from my ex's mom to give to my son. My son looked at it and
asked who
it was from. I never really knew how to respond except that it was
from "Mr.
Brown's Mom" and left it at that. Kids aren't stupid. They know. The
following year, he didn't get anything from them and had asked me
why. I
didn't know how to answer him. My ex and his family used to do that
to me
all the time.... I'd get questions like, "why did X say that to you?"
I
hated making excuses for those people and even now, I feel as if I
still
have to make excuses for them.
What's especially sad is that it has come to light that for the last
several
years, The paternal great grandmother would send gifts to my ex to
forward
on to my son. In the last 7 years, my son hasn't received a single
gift from
the paternal great-grandma. I won't say anything.... for now to my
son but
what if one day, just by chance, I'm visiting my hometown and she
just
happens to be there (chances are slim to nonexistent) in the same
store, for
example.... and she recognizes me and starts asking questions about
my
son.... I've always known this woman to be really nice. but damn....
I keep
feeling like I have to make excuses because as my son gets older, he
figures
stuff out. I know that my concerns may not even happen or happen a
ways down
the road into the future but I can't help thinking about it now. How
do I
handle situation XYZ if it should arise..... Does that make sense?
Heck....
I may simply just be venting right now..... I dunno.... guess I'll
take a
time out for now. =)

Did you son send a thank you note or phone call to say thanks? Is the
paternal great-grandma well?

I think gifts are sometimes given as a step to open up communication or
relationships. If there's no word or contact in return, I think they
feel justified to give up.

My exhusband won't talk to my kid right now but he sent her $50 in a
card for Xmas a few days ago. I am trying to encourage my kid to call
him, but she won't. She will write a note, but he wants a phone call.
She doesn't want money, she wants a phone call. They are at a
stand-off. This neglect to reciprocate will exacerbate the problem
relentlessly, I'm afraid. Neither one will stoop to making a dang phone
call to start the healing. It's really stupid but I digress.

It's a two-way street, and sometimes the participants tire of the
one-way feeling.

Karen

"trixie" trishlyn32@ wrote in message
lkaboutsupport.com...
i AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED SOMETHING LIKE THAT. My son has had no visitors,
gifts or even cards from any member of his father's family since he was 6
months old. He is only 19 months now and I am still trying to convince his
father to stop missing his visits. Our extended families grew up an on
the same side of town and even attend the same church. I have since moved
and attend a different (closer) church but I am still less than 30 minutes
away from their neigborhood. Last year I sent them all Christmas cards and
pictures. This year I saved my stamps. I figure I shouldn't chase them to
adore their only grandson/nephew/godson. But now I realize where our son's
father gets his poor parenting/family skills. I look forward to responses
from this group.

It seems there's quite a few of us who are in similar situations. I'm sort
of glad I'm not the only one, even though it's really ****ty to hear that
others have similar thoughts, opinions, concerns, etc.
My son's first Christmas, he was 11 months old, and my X stopped by to drop
off a gift. There was a box with a blanket, some socks, a sleeper and some
little stuffed animal, as well as a card. Since he came by before Xmas day,
I decided to wait to open it all up until Christmas Day, since we open all
presents that day, and I figured this shouldn't be treated any differently.
Just a choice I made that I felt to be right. He seemed to have no problem.
I thanked him and that was that. When my son was opening the box, I was
kind of curious as to what would be inside. It made me wonder, since when
the box was opened, I found some newborn sized socks and the sleeper was fit
for a 3 month old infant. That's when it made me more angry than anything.
Is there really people who believe a nearly year old child would fit newborn
socks and clothes? That was the first attempt they made for anything, and I
guess it made me more mad than anything, since I really did feel that they
didn't give enough of a damn to think about his age and all that. I did
call to thank them, but no one was home/no one answered the phone, and after
a couple days of calling, I gave up and emailed my X with no response from
him. The card was not To: anyone, it just had "The Chans" at the bottom as
to who it was from. Again, that kind of got to me, but I got over it
quickly.
Right shortly after the second Xmas, with my aunt, I met with X's parents
because they all of a sudden came out of nowhere saying they wanted to see
them... Because I didn't want my son to be hurt by having part time, once a
year, grandparents who live just across the city, I just wanted to make sure
that this was something they wanted and were going to keep as something
forever type thing.. Like, not coming every Xmas or second one or whatever.
They had presents again, and I called to thank them, since this year they
had some little outfit and some trucks (far more appropriate in my eyes,
since the clothes were a bit big, but perfect to grow into, and trucks,
well, hell, what 2 year old boy doesn't like trucks?) They never called me
back when I left a message saying thanks and to call me back if they wanted
to.
Last year, nothing, this year, nothing yet. I don't hold my breath for I
would pass out. I've never sent them Xmas cards, and I really feel no need
to since I don't send Xmas cards out to even people I know and see... After
3 years of practially begging them and nearly harassing them, I gave up last
year. I saw no point, but I guess I'm of no real help to you for advice,
since I do think that I'm sick of trying and feel that no one can be forced
to do something they just don't care to do. Maybe give it some time. Yours
is still young, and perhaps you'll have a better outcome?
Good luck with it, don't give up (yet, anyways) and just do whatever you
think you can to do what you believe is right!

--
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
A: Top-posting.
Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet?

"slykitten" wrote in message
...
Hiyas....
a couple of years ago, when custody became an issue again, my ex kept
insisting that the scathing sarcasm big, bad, mean, witch of an exwife
(that'd be me!) prevented him from visiting with his son. My question to him
in court (through the great articulation of my lawyer) was, "where have you
been for the last 5 to 6 years??" He never could come up with an excuse.
Well, that Christmas, the social worker acted as "middle-man" by giving me a
gift from my ex's mom to give to my son. My son looked at it and asked who
it was from. I never really knew how to respond except that it was from "Mr.
Brown's Mom" and left it at that. Kids aren't stupid. They know. The
following year, he didn't get anything from them and had asked me why. I
didn't know how to answer him. My ex and his family used to do that to me
all the time.... I'd get questions like, "why did X say that to you?" I
hated making excuses for those people and even now, I feel as if I still
have to make excuses for them.
What's especially sad is that it has come to light that for the last several
years, The paternal great grandmother would send gifts to my ex to forward
on to my son. In the last 7 years, my son hasn't received a single gift from
the paternal great-grandma. I won't say anything.... for now to my son but
what if one day, just by chance, I'm visiting my hometown and she just
happens to be there (chances are slim to nonexistent) in the same store, for
example.... and she recognizes me and starts asking questions about my
son.... I've always known this woman to be really nice. but damn.... I keep
feeling like I have to make excuses because as my son gets older, he figures
stuff out. I know that my concerns may not even happen or happen a ways down
the road into the future but I can't help thinking about it now. How do I
handle situation XYZ if it should arise..... Does that make sense? Heck....
I may simply just be venting right now..... I dunno.... guess I'll take a
time out for now. =)

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery



You do not have to make excuses. I have a bit of the same problem. I just
reply, "I do not understand or know why Gramma does not do this or that and I
am sorry that it makes you sad." Or the great thing is when she does call and
promises things. They will eventually figure it all out. No need to delve too
much into it. Just be honest.
V

--
Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
-- Ronald Reagan

On 22 Dec 2004 09:07:31 -0800, "Karen" wrote:


slykitten wrote:
Hiyas....
a couple of years ago, when custody became an issue again, my ex kept
insisting that the scathing sarcasm big, bad, mean, witch of an
exwife
(that'd be me!) prevented him from visiting with his son. My question
to him
in court (through the great articulation of my lawyer) was, "where
have you
been for the last 5 to 6 years??" He never could come up with an
excuse.
Well, that Christmas, the social worker acted as "middle-man" by
giving me a
gift from my ex's mom to give to my son. My son looked at it and
asked who
it was from. I never really knew how to respond except that it was
from "Mr.
Brown's Mom" and left it at that. Kids aren't stupid. They know. The
following year, he didn't get anything from them and had asked me
why. I
didn't know how to answer him. My ex and his family used to do that
to me
all the time.... I'd get questions like, "why did X say that to you?"
I
hated making excuses for those people and even now, I feel as if I
still
have to make excuses for them.
What's especially sad is that it has come to light that for the last
several
years, The paternal great grandmother would send gifts to my ex to
forward
on to my son. In the last 7 years, my son hasn't received a single
gift from
the paternal great-grandma. I won't say anything.... for now to my
son but
what if one day, just by chance, I'm visiting my hometown and she
just
happens to be there (chances are slim to nonexistent) in the same
store, for
example.... and she recognizes me and starts asking questions about
my
son.... I've always known this woman to be really nice. but damn....
I keep
feeling like I have to make excuses because as my son gets older, he
figures
stuff out. I know that my concerns may not even happen or happen a
ways down
the road into the future but I can't help thinking about it now. How
do I
handle situation XYZ if it should arise..... Does that make sense?
Heck....
I may simply just be venting right now..... I dunno.... guess I'll
take a
time out for now. =)

Did you son send a thank you note or phone call to say thanks? Is the
paternal great-grandma well?

I think gifts are sometimes given as a step to open up communication or
relationships. If there's no word or contact in return, I think they
feel justified to give up.

My exhusband won't talk to my kid right now but he sent her $50 in a
card for Xmas a few days ago. I am trying to encourage my kid to call
him, but she won't. She will write a note, but he wants a phone call.
She doesn't want money, she wants a phone call. They are at a
stand-off. This neglect to reciprocate will exacerbate the problem
relentlessly, I'm afraid. Neither one will stoop to making a dang phone
call to start the healing. It's really stupid but I digress.

That's really sad. Seems fine to me though, that she sends him a note.
Notes are easier -- no confrontation, no getting interrupted. He's the
grownup though, pretty pathetic that he won't talk to her.

lm

On Tue, 21 Dec 2004 22:06:25 -0700, "slykitten"
wrote:

Hiyas....
a couple of years ago, when custody became an issue again, my ex kept
insisting that the scathing sarcasm big, bad, mean, witch of an exwife
(that'd be me!) prevented him from visiting with his son. My question to him
in court (through the great articulation of my lawyer) was, "where have you
been for the last 5 to 6 years??" He never could come up with an excuse.
Well, that Christmas, the social worker acted as "middle-man" by giving me a
gift from my ex's mom to give to my son. My son looked at it and asked who
it was from. I never really knew how to respond except that it was from "Mr.
Brown's Mom" and left it at that. Kids aren't stupid. They know. The
following year, he didn't get anything from them and had asked me why. I
didn't know how to answer him. My ex and his family used to do that to me
all the time.... I'd get questions like, "why did X say that to you?" I
hated making excuses for those people and even now, I feel as if I still
have to make excuses for them.
What's especially sad is that it has come to light that for the last several
years, The paternal great grandmother would send gifts to my ex to forward
on to my son. In the last 7 years, my son hasn't received a single gift from
the paternal great-grandma. I won't say anything.... for now to my son but
what if one day, just by chance, I'm visiting my hometown and she just
happens to be there (chances are slim to nonexistent) in the same store, for
example.... and she recognizes me and starts asking questions about my
son.... I've always known this woman to be really nice. but damn.... I keep
feeling like I have to make excuses because as my son gets older, he figures
stuff out. I know that my concerns may not even happen or happen a ways down
the road into the future but I can't help thinking about it now. How do I
handle situation XYZ if it should arise..... Does that make sense? Heck....
I may simply just be venting right now..... I dunno.... guess I'll take a
time out for now. =)

I guess I don't get what your son is supposed to be "figuring out."
Some families are gift-givers, some aren't. It doesn't take divorce
for people to be inconsistent. If these people aren't in your son's
life, then you can treat their future curiosity the same way you would
for polite questions from other acquaintances -- with polite answers.

Did your son really remember from one year to the next which relatives
had sent gifts? Mine sure don't.

lm

"lm" wrote in message

I guess I don't get what your son is supposed to be "figuring out."

He isn't.

This boy is about 6 I think and the poster said that a few years ago he
remembered that he did not get a present from the same person (grandparent)
as he did the previous year. This makes the child about three at the time.

The poster made it up like she usually does.

Dennis

On Thu, 23 Dec 2004 15:06:58 -0000, "denanson" Dennis@Large .ie
wrote:


"lm" wrote in message

I guess I don't get what your son is supposed to be "figuring out."

He isn't.

This boy is about 6 I think and the poster said that a few years ago he
remembered that he did not get a present from the same person (grandparent)
as he did the previous year. This makes the child about three at the time.

Well I guess I am traumatizing my nieces and nephews, not to mention
my mother. I'm the aunt who one year forgets to shop for birthdays but
sends packages when there's no occasion just because I saw something
in a shop that reminded me of them.

My son used to not get a birthday celebration with his father because
his step-mother's birthday was the same week, so he had to sit there
and watch *her* blow out her candles.

An inconsistent grandma would be welcome.

lm

OH! I forgot to mention that my sister's daughter also received the
same amount from my kid's father this week, too. This is the same gift
to someone that he is not related to, or has seen in years.
Is is generosity? I guess so.

Karen