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Making a change



 
 
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  #1  
Old June 22nd 06, 07:23 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Making a change

My daughter has been taking gymnastics at the same gym for 5 1/2 years
now. We are thinking of changing gyms because the class that works with
my daughter's schedule has a coach that she really doesn't like.

My daughter can't or won't explain why she doesn't like this coach. In
general, we've been happy with this gym. I believe the quality of
instruction is higher there than at the gym we'd be moving to (which is
where she does rhythmic gymnastics, and is a much more convenient
drive).

There is one other class at her level that she doesn't have a direct
conflict with (and that ends before 8:30 PM), but that would leave her
with no days this summer without planned activities-- we planned swim
lessons around Tuesday being her completely free day.

Do I tell the gym why we are leaving? Since I can't give specifics (and
I've tried asking DD. I just get tears.) I don't expect them to do
anything about it unless it is part of a pattern.

Liz


  #2  
Old June 23rd 06, 12:55 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Making a change

Elizabeth King wrote:
My daughter has been taking gymnastics at the same gym for 5 1/2 years
now. We are thinking of changing gyms because the class that works with
my daughter's schedule has a coach that she really doesn't like.

My daughter can't or won't explain why she doesn't like this coach. In
general, we've been happy with this gym. I believe the quality of
instruction is higher there than at the gym we'd be moving to (which is
where she does rhythmic gymnastics, and is a much more convenient
drive).

There is one other class at her level that she doesn't have a direct
conflict with (and that ends before 8:30 PM), but that would leave her
with no days this summer without planned activities-- we planned swim
lessons around Tuesday being her completely free day.

Do I tell the gym why we are leaving? Since I can't give specifics (and
I've tried asking DD. I just get tears.) I don't expect them to do
anything about it unless it is part of a pattern.


How old is your daughter? 10? 16? Would she feel comfortable
writing down what's bothering her about the coach, and having
you read it when she is not around? Is it possible she's just
burning out -- and using the coach hatred as an excuse?

If you leave, just say your daughter doesn't like the coach.
If they ask why, tell the truth: You don't know.

Scott DD 12.95 and DS (who is sick today ) 10

  #3  
Old June 23rd 06, 12:25 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Making a change

"Scott L" wrote in message
...
Elizabeth King wrote:


How old is your daughter? 10? 16? Would she feel comfortable
writing down what's bothering her about the coach, and having
you read it when she is not around? Is it possible she's just
burning out -- and using the coach hatred as an excuse?


She's 8. She really seems to want to continue with ANY other coach than
this one. I've been quite clear that it is OK with me if she stops
artistic gymnastics as she gets more serious about rhythmic gymnastics.
That would be my preference, but I'm leaving the decision with her for
now-- thank goodness her school has very little homework.

Unfortunately (not just in this case) she really doesn't like to talk
about her emotions or anything emotionally loaded. I'm guessing this
coach has hurt DD's feelings somehow, but DD's normally quite impervious
to the normal coaching criticism-- she doesn't always listen, but it
doesn't seem to get to her. Maybe the coach said something DD took
personally. Or maybe it is just the coaching style doesn't work for
her (but she's been able to give me specifics on other coaches before--
there are only 2 coaches that she likes how they spot her back
handsprings, for instance).

If you leave, just say your daughter doesn't like the coach.
If they ask why, tell the truth: You don't know.


Thanks. My personal inclination would be to tell them that we're taking
the summer off (which could be true), and then just never come back :-),
but that's probably not the best way to handle it.

Scott DD 12.95 and DS (who is sick today ) 10


I hope DS feels better soon!

Liz


  #4  
Old June 23rd 06, 03:20 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Making a change

"Elizabeth King" wrote:

My daughter has been taking gymnastics at the same gym for 5 1/2 years
now. We are thinking of changing gyms because the class that works with
my daughter's schedule has a coach that she really doesn't like.


It might be possible to ask the coach her/himself if there are any
items that you should work on with your dd see if the coach has any
concerns. But this should only be done with great caution, and you
might not find out anything.

My ds started running away and refusing to go to school when he was in
third grade. I could never get him to say why he didn't want to go to
school - I suspected it was the teacher, but neither he nor the
teacher would admit that there was any problem. I did find later that
at the beginning of the year she had given my ds a project that his
older sister had done with a note that she expected the same kind of
work from him. But it might have been something else entirely.


  #5  
Old June 23rd 06, 10:04 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Making a change

In article ,
"Elizabeth King" wrote:

If you leave, just say your daughter doesn't like the coach.
If they ask why, tell the truth: You don't know.


Thanks. My personal inclination would be to tell them that we're taking
the summer off (which could be true), and then just never come back :-),
but that's probably not the best way to handle it.


Actually, I think that IS a good way to handle it.

If your daughter were being specific about what she doesn't like about
the coach, it might be helpful for him/her to have that feedback -- but
since she is not being specific, I see nothing to be gained by telling
them you are changing because she doesn't like the coach!

--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

  #6  
Old June 23rd 06, 10:05 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Making a change

On Thu, 22 Jun 2006 14:23:15 EDT, "Elizabeth King"
wrote:

My daughter has been taking gymnastics at the same gym for 5 1/2 years
now. We are thinking of changing gyms because the class that works with
my daughter's schedule has a coach that she really doesn't like.

My daughter can't or won't explain why she doesn't like this coach. [...]

Do I tell the gym why we are leaving? Since I can't give specifics (and
I've tried asking DD. I just get tears.) I don't expect them to do
anything about it unless it is part of a pattern.


I would tell them (probably the office staff or manager, not the coach
directly) that you're leaving because your daughter doesn't like
Coach X.

You might find out that they're shifting the coaching schedule in the
fall, or you might open the door to being able to call them in the
fall and ask questions about which coaches are on duty when.

The people who manage the gym/club would be glad to hear from you that
everything else in their program works well for your family.

You can say that you don't know why your daughter doesn't like working
with this coach ("doesn't like working with" is less personal than
"doesn't like"). A good club manager might ask you a few more
open-ended questions designed to look for clues to the problems that
they must always have their ears open for. (does the coach focus too
much on the talented kids? does the coach make comments about weight
or body shape? does the coach shout, belittle kids who are afraid of
falling, or not share a sense of humour with the kids? does the coach
make appropriate efforts to prevent bullying by other kids? are there
any hints of sexual, emotional, or physical abuse?) You can be polite
and noncommittal in your answers, even if you get a hint that the
manager is unsurprised to hear about problems with this coach.

You can then decide how much of the conversation your daughter wants
to hear about afterwards. For a kid who's reluctant to put hard
feelings into words, it's a useful demonstration that you trust her
instincts even without words, and that there are ways to say something
unpopular and not open oneself up to cross-examination. Maybe your
daughter will tell you someday why she didn't like this coach, and
maybe she won't.

Louise

  #7  
Old June 24th 06, 12:01 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Making a change

On Fri, 23 Jun 2006 17:04:57 EDT, dragonlady
wrote:

In article ,
"Elizabeth King" wrote:

If you leave, just say your daughter doesn't like the coach.
If they ask why, tell the truth: You don't know.


Thanks. My personal inclination would be to tell them that we're taking
the summer off (which could be true), and then just never come back :-),
but that's probably not the best way to handle it.


Actually, I think that IS a good way to handle it.

If your daughter were being specific about what she doesn't like about
the coach, it might be helpful for him/her to have that feedback -- but
since she is not being specific, I see nothing to be gained by telling
them you are changing because she doesn't like the coach!


I disagree. As a school counselor, I work a lot with kids who have
been victims of abuse. Often, the first indication we get that
something is going on is vague. They just don't want to be with them
or seem somewhat uncomfortable, but they will not say exactly why. The
more kids you hear of who feel this way, the more likely that what is
going on will be discovered. I am not saying this coach is abusive.
She might just not like his style. But there is enough of exactly
this kind of reaction that does go with abuse that I would like to see
every instance reported to those who hire and keep people employed who
work with children. If it's just a personality conflict, no harm
done. Grown ups should be able to handle that. But if not, it will
be crucial to have an accurate picture of just how many kids don't
want to be with this coach, and it is even good information to know
that they don't want to say why.


--
Paula
"Anyway, other people are weird, but sometimes they have candy,
so it's best to try to get along with them." Joe Bay

  #8  
Old June 25th 06, 12:11 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Making a change


"Paula" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 23 Jun 2006 17:04:57 EDT, dragonlady
wrote:

In article ,
"Elizabeth King" wrote:

If you leave, just say your daughter doesn't like the coach.
If they ask why, tell the truth: You don't know.

Thanks. My personal inclination would be to tell them that we're taking
the summer off (which could be true), and then just never come back :-),
but that's probably not the best way to handle it.


Actually, I think that IS a good way to handle it.

If your daughter were being specific about what she doesn't like about
the coach, it might be helpful for him/her to have that feedback -- but
since she is not being specific, I see nothing to be gained by telling
them you are changing because she doesn't like the coach!


I disagree. As a school counselor, I work a lot with kids who have
been victims of abuse. Often, the first indication we get that
something is going on is vague. They just don't want to be with them
or seem somewhat uncomfortable, but they will not say exactly why. The
more kids you hear of who feel this way, the more likely that what is
going on will be discovered. I am not saying this coach is abusive.
She might just not like his style. But there is enough of exactly
this kind of reaction that does go with abuse that I would like to see
every instance reported to those who hire and keep people employed who
work with children. If it's just a personality conflict, no harm
done. Grown ups should be able to handle that. But if not, it will
be crucial to have an accurate picture of just how many kids don't
want to be with this coach, and it is even good information to know
that they don't want to say why.


I have to agree with Paula. The first thing that jumped out at me is this
*could* be abuse. It probably isn't. You should definitely let them know
your concern that your daughter doesn't get along with the coach. They might
be willing to make sure that your daughter can find a time slot that works
for her without him being in the picture, too.

You definitely need to let them know. It could be one of those silly things
that kids just don't take a liking to someone, an innocent personality
conflict or something sinister.

Jeff

--
Paula
"Anyway, other people are weird, but sometimes they have candy,
so it's best to try to get along with them." Joe Bay


  #9  
Old June 25th 06, 02:01 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Making a change

In article t, Jeff says...


"Paula" wrote in message
.. .
On Thu, 22 Jun 2006 14:23:15 EDT, "Elizabeth King"


(...)

Often, the bad coaches are not caught because nobody says
anything. But if several students are uncomfortable, the gym may
start to watch for patterns or otherwise investigate.


Or even find out how they can help him be a better coach. If you don't know
something is broken, you can't fix it.


I honestly don't know which way is right in this situation, but I think
dragonlady is right in that there's also a danger of 'fixing' what isn't broken.

I understand about the reaction to abuse, but, if a problem can't be expressed
in any definate terms, there's a disparagement of the coach for what may serve
no good purpose.

Banty


--


 




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