[OT] Etiquette question

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Goodness, I've never heard of such a thing, but I imagine
your interpretation that they're in lieu of flowers or a meal or
whatever else they might have brought is probably correct. I'd
feel a bit weird too, but I think it would be a bit insulting
to return them, so I think you're on the right track with
accepting them graciously and writing thank you notes. And really,
I doubt that they're thinking you need the money (especially
since you say they're family). I suspect the situation just
hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
really know what to do.

I think you're right, Ericka. (And a big thank you to everyone else. I think
I knew the right answer, but the whole thing just struck me as odd enough
that I needed input.)

Let me ask another question: Would it be inappropriate for me to deposit the
money, then make a donation in the amount given to the American Lung
Association in the name of the sender and let them know that I did so in my
thank you note so that they can take the tax deduction if they like? That
seems to me the best use of the money.
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [7/22/97], Aurora [7/19/99], and Vernon's [3/2/02] mom)
See us at http://photos.yahoo.com/guavaln

This week's special at the English Language Butcher Shop:
"How a seller can improve their home's value" -- newspaper headline

What does it all mean? I have *no* idea. But it's my life and I like it.

"Circe" wrote in message
news:dgXTa.15964$u51.5997@fed1read05...
| I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me
"get
| well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have included
| checks in them. I suppose they are probably sending them in lieu of
flowers
| (which they probably didn't want to send on the chance they set off my
| asthma/allergies again). I can't help feeling weird about depositing them,
| though. I feel as though the subtle message being sent is that maybe we
need
| the money. We don't. OTOH, I suppose that since they are intended as
gifts,
| I should accept them graciously and deposit them as the senders intended,
| with proper thank you notes thereafter.
|
| Etiquette mavens--what say you?
| --


I don't know much about etiquette, but I say keep the checks. Deposit them,
send thank you cards.

If you feel bad, why not take them and open a new savings account especially
for the kids? Or set them aside for Birthday and Holiday presents.

Just my opinion ;-)


--
LES!

Daddie to Alegra Lee. May 25th 2003!
"Daddie's Little Diva"

before you reply to me via email, please remove your hat
ourHat

In article JxcUa.16115$u51.444@fed1read05,
"Circe" wrote:

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Goodness, I've never heard of such a thing, but I imagine
your interpretation that they're in lieu of flowers or a meal or
whatever else they might have brought is probably correct. I'd
feel a bit weird too, but I think it would be a bit insulting
to return them, so I think you're on the right track with
accepting them graciously and writing thank you notes. And really,
I doubt that they're thinking you need the money (especially
since you say they're family). I suspect the situation just
hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
really know what to do.

I think you're right, Ericka. (And a big thank you to everyone else. I think
I knew the right answer, but the whole thing just struck me as odd enough
that I needed input.)

Let me ask another question: Would it be inappropriate for me to deposit the
money, then make a donation in the amount given to the American Lung
Association in the name of the sender and let them know that I did so in my
thank you note so that they can take the tax deduction if they like? That
seems to me the best use of the money.


My own inclination would be to assume that the givers wanted me to do
something nice for myself - some personal or family treat.

However, the money has been given to you, and you may, quite
legitimately, do what you want to do with it.

I don't know if money given to YOU, and then given by you to a charity,
CAN be taken as a deduction by the original giver: before assuming that
they can take the tax deduction on this, I'd check with a tax
specialist. It's possible that how you handle the checks could make a
difference: IRS rules are downright weird.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

I'm no etiquette maven (actually the reverence that many Americans seem to
have for Miss Manners etc. seems really bizarre to me) but my immediate
reaction is that this may be a time when thinking about charity is
appropriate. How about donating the money to an asthma research
organisation, or one that supports people with asthma, and telling people
that you've done so in gratitude that you're OK and in the hope of reducing
the chances of someone else going through what you went through?

Sidheag
edd Oct 13th

dragonlady wrote:


My own inclination would be to assume that the givers wanted me to do
something nice for myself - some personal or family treat.

However, the money has been given to you, and you may, quite
legitimately, do what you want to do with it.

I don't know if money given to YOU, and then given by you to a charity,
CAN be taken as a deduction by the original giver: before assuming that
they can take the tax deduction on this, I'd check with a tax
specialist. It's possible that how you handle the checks could make a
difference: IRS rules are downright weird.


I would agree. And if you do give the money to charity
and want to tell the giver, I would phrase it in such a way as
to make it clear that giving this money to charity *was* a gift
to you. In other words, I wouldn't just say that you gave the
money away. Say that their gift enabled you to fulfill your
desire to help others in similar straits. Hopefully, that would
make it sound like you weren't rejecting their gift and that
you did really value it and use it to do something nice for
yourself that you might not otherwise have done.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
x-no-archive:yes
"Leah Adezio" wrote:

This happened to me when David died. I got a number of checks from
friends
or relatives and my first thought was 'Oh -- do they think we're poor
now?'
(we're not).......and it occurred to me that maybe they just felt better
sending money instead of flowers or something less lasting.

In your case, a lot of times the family designates a charity or place
that they want the money to go to. Like you will see "In lieu of
flowers please send a donation to the Make A Wish Foundation" (which
was what my DIL wanted when our grandson died).

So maybe that was what they intended and didn't like to ask you what
charity you wanted it to go to.

Given who the checks were from, I don't think so. They were all (with one
exception...an elderly great-aunt of David's from Seattle whom I'd never
even heard of -- I had to call my father-in-law and ask 'Who is Aunt
XXX?' -- it was his mother's sister) from my hometown. I did run an
obituary in our local newspaper there and the donation information was
listed (we requested donations be made to our university's television
station, run by the School of Communication -- David ran the station while
we were in graduate school...it was his 'baby' back then...and it's also
where we met), so they had access to that information.

David's aunt and uncle who did fly out for the funeral did tell me that they
'had an envelope' for me (each thought the other brought it with them from
the hotel g) that they would be putting in the mail, and they certainly
knew where donations could go...that one was clearly for us. That one
didn't really surprise me, though, since they have always been generous with
the children for birthdays, for all of us for holidays, and the like.
That's just their way -- they don't have children of their own, and have
always doted on David, his sisters and our various children.

Besides, I don't see why someone would think that's such a sensitive
question that they couldn't ask if they weren't sure if a charity or place
had been designated.

Leah
_____________
In memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
Beloved husband, father, heart's companion

x-no-archive:yes
"Leah Adezio" wrote:


"Rosalie B." wrote in message
.. .
x-no-archive:yes
"Leah Adezio" wrote:

This happened to me when David died. I got a number of checks from
friends
or relatives and my first thought was 'Oh -- do they think we're poor
now?'
(we're not).......and it occurred to me that maybe they just felt better
sending money instead of flowers or something less lasting.

In your case, a lot of times the family designates a charity or place
that they want the money to go to. Like you will see "In lieu of
flowers please send a donation to the Make A Wish Foundation" (which
was what my DIL wanted when our grandson died).

So maybe that was what they intended and didn't like to ask you what
charity you wanted it to go to.

Given who the checks were from, I don't think so. They were all (with one
exception...an elderly great-aunt of David's from Seattle whom I'd never
even heard of -- I had to call my father-in-law and ask 'Who is Aunt
XXX?' -- it was his mother's sister) from my hometown. I did run an
obituary in our local newspaper there and the donation information was
listed (we requested donations be made to our university's television
station, run by the School of Communication -- David ran the station while
we were in graduate school...it was his 'baby' back then...and it's also
where we met), so they had access to that information.

David's aunt and uncle who did fly out for the funeral did tell me that they
'had an envelope' for me (each thought the other brought it with them from
the hotel g) that they would be putting in the mail, and they certainly
knew where donations could go...that one was clearly for us. That one
didn't really surprise me, though, since they have always been generous with
the children for birthdays, for all of us for holidays, and the like.
That's just their way -- they don't have children of their own, and have
always doted on David, his sisters and our various children.

Besides, I don't see why someone would think that's such a sensitive
question that they couldn't ask if they weren't sure if a charity or place
had been designated.

Leah
_____________
In memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
Beloved husband, father, heart's companion

In that case you are probably right.

But the husband of a friend died recently - they had a local memorial
service, but the funeral was to be in New England. She asked that
money be donated to the local college art museum where he had been a
professor and which he had been instrumental in getting in started.
(somewhat similar type of donation to yours although in his case he
was much older and had been sick and in and out of the hospital for
some time)

I was hesitant to give the money directly to the college for fear that
it wouldn't get into the correct fund both because I wasn't sure how
to address the envelope and/or what payee to put on the check. (I
finally called and asked)

And also quite frankly I was uncertain whether they would tell her
that a donation had been made. Because the donation was for her
(since I had no feelings one way or the other towards the art museum)
so I definitely wanted her to know that I was thinking of her and had
made a donation. (I did also write her a note of condolence in
addition to attending the memorial service.) I wasn't sure that the
college actually had the fund set up yet. I'm not sure that they have
told her, although my note was answered.


grandma Rosalie

ut they really threw me off. I'd *never* heard of people sending
condolence checks...it felt very odd to be accepting them,


Really? I thought it was pretty common practice. Dear Abby had a couple of
columns about this very subject and many people wrote to say how money given to
them after a loved one died really helped them. Even people who had good life
insurance policies still had a delay between the death and when the check
arrived.

In some cases, the money was used for bare necessities like food and to pay
bills.



Maryilee

Maggie's Christmas page
http://www.angelfire.com/vi/maggie/c...spictures.html
Info on hereditary spherocytosis
http://www.angelfire.com/vi/maggie/spherocytosis.html

"Maryilee" wrote in message
...
ut they really threw me off. I'd *never* heard of people sending
condolence checks...it felt very odd to be accepting them,


Really? I thought it was pretty common practice.

It may be a regional thing....It was new to me.

Dear Abby had a couple of
columns about this very subject and many people wrote to say how money
given to
them after a loved one died really helped them. Even people who had good
life
insurance policies still had a delay between the death and when the check
arrived.

In some cases, the money was used for bare necessities like food and to
pay
bills.

Understood. Fortunately, that was not an issue for me. I know that's not
the same for everyone in my situation.

Leah
_____________
In memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
Beloved husband, father, heart's companion




Maryilee

Maggie's Christmas page
http://www.angelfire.com/vi/maggie/c...spictures.html
Info on hereditary spherocytosis
http://www.angelfire.com/vi/maggie/spherocytosis.html

It seems like it is now a new practice. People will send money instead of
flowers. If you dont' feel right to cash them but do not want to hurt
anyone's feeling, you may make a donation to the asthma foundation or
similar foundation of your choice. In your thank you card, simply indicate
how their generosity paid off.

My two cents!

"H Schinske" wrote in message
...
wrote:

I suspect the situation just
hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
really know what to do.

Entirely likely. If in fact your insurance will cover all the medical
stuff,
I'd write a check to some charity. There may well be one that covers
asthma
research or something.

But I wouldn't necessarily say so to them.

--Helen