13 year-old-boy having a hard time at school

My 13 year old has always been a very good boy. He gets good grades, is
kind and respectful. He was punished only a few times for minor faults
and his severest punishment was to be grounded for one day.

In the 7th grade, however, his behavior changed. He got in some
troubles at school (though nothing really bad), broke some rules at
home, talked back to teachers a few times and at home became somewhat
rude and disrespectful. We tried to avoid harsh punishments, so he got
some light groundings. But he kept with that unusual behavior. We
finally sat down for a serious talk. At first he felt threatened and
reacted like a brat. He was very disrespectful, but then it seems he
realized what he was doing, because he apologized and even cried,
showing much regret. He apologized several times and, though he didn't
say, in his eyes I could read HELP. He told us he was confused, his
mates was always nagging on him, calling him a wimp cause he didn't do
bad stuff and then he ended up doing all those things to be accepted
and considered a real man. We ended up feeling sorry for him. We talked
a lot, told him those guys weren't his real friends and so on. He felt
really ashamed and told us he felt bad doing those stupid things, but
was in conflict, wanted to be accepted. He promised to be our real boy
again and we forgave him. My husband got really down with this thing,
because he couldn't convince our boy he didn't need to do bad stuff
to be a man.

This talk happened 3 months ago and he's been keeping his promise.
Excellent grades, respectful (though sometimes he doesn't agree with
us), out of trouble. But he told us it's been hard to keep up to his
principles. Some bullies are always calling him a wimp, he's had a hard
time. Besides being a good boy, one of the reasons they nag on him is
he's somewhat shy with girls and respect them. He's a good student,
specially at math, and frequently goes to friend's house to study with
them, including girls. Other parents have praised us on how he's
friendly and respectful with everybody, including girls.

He asked for our help. Some days ago he almost got into a fight with
one of those bullies. Fortunately there was no fight. We told him we're
proud of him and we'll always be there for him, but it's been a hard
time. Sometimes I'm afraid he can't resist peer pressure and do bad
stuff again, though he assured us his purpose to keep his principles
and not give in to those bad guys. But he's 13 and I know what peer
pressure is, especially from boys his age. My husband told me it's
kinda hard for a male teen to deal with such things, and strong
parental help is needed.

I'd like some suggestions on how we can help him go through this hard
time. Maybe some has gone through similar issues.

Anna

In article .com,
"Anna" wrote:

I'd like some suggestions on how we can help him go through this hard
time. Maybe some has gone through similar issues.

You might try to find him another social set who can support him. For
my son, there were two places outside of school where he made friends
who did NOT encourage the bad behavior, and where he was accepted just
the way he is: a children's theater program (one that went through high
school, so when he was in middle school there were still quite a few
kids his age and older) and our church, which has had a spectacular
youth group.

I know the same thing helped me quite a bit when I was younger: when
school was an awful place for me to be, finding somewhere else for me to
spend some of my time, and a group of friends who were decent, made a
big difference. School didn't get better, but it did get easier,
because I could just concentrat on being in school and ignore the other
kids, as my social life was elsewhere.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

If any of this bullying is going on somewhere where there are supposed
to be responsible adults (teachers, coaches, scout leaders, etc.), it
is completely unacceptable if they know about it and are not doing
anything about it. They cannot make other kids be your son's friend
but they should be able to keep them from picking on him -- or anyone
else since he likely is not the only target. If you have not already
done so, you may want to make sure they know about the problem and that
you expect them to deal with the problem.

Other than that, maybe help him find some better influences than his
current crowd? Get him involved with an organized sport if he has any
interests and talents in that direction? Assuming the right coach and
teammates, that can be really valuable. Also, if he is any good at it,
it becomes hard for someone to tell him he is not a real man. Even if
he is not terribly good at it, if he is having fun and getting respect
from those around him, he may not have time to care what the
troublemakers think.

Good luck.