Not every woman wants to be in this situation...

I just found this site and while reading some of the past posts, I became
upset and appalled. To those of you who believe that dead beat fathers
should not be sent to jail, should have their child support lessened, and
should be treated "better," well, I hope this information will give you a
little insight as to why you are in the wrong.

Not all of us got into this mess on purpose nor did we ever invision being
in this situation. We are not all "money grubbing bitches" as I have seen
us being called. Not all of us enjoy caring and supporting our children
alone. Not all of us are taking our exes to court for fun and for
revenge.

Let me give you a good example of why dead-beat fathers should have to pay
more, should be held accountable, and should (in my opinion) be, not only
put in jail, but buried under it!

I was married to my ex for 11 years. We married while in college and had
dated for 3 years before that. He was no stranger to me and I knew what I
was getting into when I married him. No, he was not an abuser, no, he did
not do drugs, and yes, he was a good man to me and was a great father to
our children for the most part of my marriage.

Five years ago my ex got a job as a firefighter. We were thrilled because
the job was safer (yes it was because he had been working hard as an
industrial insulator who removed asbestos materials). He had job
stability and much better benefits even though his pay was cut in half.
He loved his job and we, the family, was thrilled for him.

Less than a year after he was hired, 9-11 occurred. He was hailed as a
hero even though we lived far away from NYC and his station rarely
received a fire call. His head swelled, he loved the attention, and began
believing that he deserved more than he was getting. Somewhere along the
lines he began using drugs and began having affairs. The drug use
progressed to crank which in turn made him fly into hysterical rages
against the furniture, the walls, and eventually me.

After months of trying to keep my marriage together for the sake of our 3
children, I could not do it any longer. I could not take him being gone
for days at a time. (He would work a 24 hour shift and then not even come
home for his 48 hours off.) He refused to work a second job because he
was too tired. (Tired from his sleep and wake cycles of the drugs.) And
he would not stop going to his drug-buddies home nor the home of a
girlfriend.

You may be asking why I would put up with this. Prior to my exe's
employment as a firefighter, I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. (I
developed the disease after the births of my children.) In 2004 alone I
was hospitalized 3 times for over a month and had 2 surgeries. I had
trouble taking care of myself much less caring for my children all by
myself. It took a while but I finally realized that being alone and
taking care of my children by myself could not be any worse than the
abuse, the neglect, and instability that my family was living in. I
called the police and had him taken off my property.

Over the next couple of months I found out that he not only had been
having an affair with a paramedic but also was the father of one of her
children. I have everything documented so yes, all of this information
that I have is true.

I filed for divorce, shot for the moon with the amount of money I was
asking for (I wasn't working at the time due to my illness) and since the
bum didn't do a thing about the divorce, I was awarded everything by
default. A month after I began receiving child support, my ex was fired
from his job. He had been arrested for having possession of drugs and
driving with a suspended license. (Yet, he had been driving the city's
fire trucks.)

I am now receiving less than 1/4 of what I am supposed to be paid and yes,
I am taking him to court. I have sole custody of my children and
infrequently he actually remembers that he has children and calls them.

Although my doctor's all wanted me to file for disability, I refused to do
so. I did my own research on my disease, and taking experimental
medication to help (which, thanks to the grace of the Lord, I am getting
for free due to my enrollment in a drug study) and was able to go back to
work. However, I am still unable to provide for everything that my
children need.

So tell me why I should feel sorry for this man? Why is it my fault that
I want to have money paid to me to help pay my mortgage and for food for
my family? Why should I want to keep him out of jail? He is living with
his girlfriend, refuses to get a second job because he babysits his
illegitimate daughter while the girlfriend works 2 jobs, and he is part
owner of the small job he has and claims making very little money because
the money made is being turned over back into the company.

Yes, I was the one who married him but he came from a great, church-going
family, to my knowledge no drug use occurred before our marriage, and even
during college he held a full-time job. Evidenlty I was a poor jugde of
character but honestly nothing in first 2/3 of our marriage made me worry
about the person that I had married. He is a completely different person
now than the one I married. So why shouldn't I ask for money to help
raise my children? Why do they not deserve living by the same standards
that they did before? What did we do to deserve having to live to such
lower standards even though I am out busting my butt to provide for my
family?

So tell me why I shouldn't take this man to court. Tell me why I should
feel sorry for him that he is making less money and can't afford to pay
what a judge ordered him to pay. Tell me how I could have made it easier
on myself to try to explain to my children that Santa wasn't able to get
them what they wanted for Christmas. Tell me how I justify to my children
that their Daddy has a new truck while we can't afford cable and can't go
to the movies and out to eat every month?

Oh how I would wonder what you would do in this situation? I bet the
tables would be turned and you wouldn't give a damn about the rights of
the bum who has caused so much pain to 3 children. I am sure you would
put as much effort in hanging him as you are now trying to "fight for his
rights."

May you never have to face your children on a daily basis and have to tell
them NO to something all because their father won't pay and because there
are FruitLoops out there who actually want to help keep him from having to
pay. I hope you never have to hold your crying child because life isn't
fair to them - though they did nothing to deserve what they are getting.
May you never have to pawn off your belongings to pay for medicine and may
you never have to ask others for help.

Dont' expect a whole lot of support from anyone else on this site - they're
just not that way.

They might, on the other hand - tell you that you SHOULD have known that he
was going to end up a druggie.

you SHOULD have known he was going to cheat on you.

Oh, and you SHOULD have just given him custody of the children and YOU pay
child support.

Most of the people on this newsgroup really have no interest in seeing
things from the other side.

Best of luck to you, but count on having to make it on your own. Anything
above that is a bonus.

Most of the people on this newsgroup really have no interest in seeing
things from the other side.

Why? There are two sides, reality and fiction. To borrow a quote
paraphrase, seeing things from the fiction side is no virtue, seeing
things from the reality side is no vice.

I do have to admit though that this work of fiction has two entertaining
points. First is the feminist talking point that men should all
be working two jobs to better give money to women. And second,
that a woman should forgo disability insurance payments to make
sure that the ex has to pay, and pay, and pay.

Sir or Madam, I assure you that this is no work of fiction. This has been
my nightmare of a life for the past 3 years. How may I offer you proof?
Would you like to see the pictures that was taken after I was beaten?
Honestly, after I am out of court on Jan. 11, I will gladly send you
information to prove to you that this is a legitimate case. I would post
information of proof here but honestly, I am afraid you may find out who
my ex is and help him stay out of jail or God forbid, take pity on him and
help keep him from having to pay any kind of child support.

Second, let me clear up a few things. The reason I mentioned that he
refused to work a second job while being employed as a firefighter is this
- most firefighters work 2 jobs. My ex went from making $50,000 as an
industrial insulator to making $28,000 as a firefighter. He "worked" a 24
hour shift but was home 48 hours after that. The 24 hours that he was on
duty was mostly spent sitting, sleeping, or eating while waiting on a fire
call. Yes, being a firefighter can be dangerous but most of the time the
only danger he faced was losing the remote and the liutenant getting upset
with him. Also, after the birth of our third child, we decided together
that I should be a stay-at-home Mom. I would only have been working to
pay for child care. Besides, at that time He had voluntarily decided to
take a second job so that their children would be able to stay at home and
not be sent off daily to be cared for by a stranger.

Next, there are a couple of reasons that I refused to try to get
disability. First and formost, it would have taken too long. I am 32
years old and would have been denied from the start. After waiting
probably 6 months to be denied the first time, I would have waited another
year for a court date - even with an attorney. I spoke to many attorneys
about this. So how was I going to live and support 3 children while
waiting? Secondly, I do not believe this is anyone else's fault except
that of my ex. I should not have to rely on taxpayers to support me and
my children. Therefore I am going after his money and not disability.
Would you rather me be sitting on my butt and waiting on a check to arrive
every month or would you rather I do everything I can to try to support my
children- that includes going after their strung-out, dead beat father.
Would you like to pay me or would you rather I go after his money?

"abdd" wrote in message
...
Most of the people on this newsgroup really have no interest in seeing
things from the other side.

Why? There are two sides, reality and fiction. To borrow a quote
paraphrase, seeing things from the fiction side is no virtue, seeing
things from the reality side is no vice.

I do have to admit though that this work of fiction has two entertaining
points. First is the feminist talking point that men should all
be working two jobs to better give money to women. And second,
that a woman should forgo disability insurance payments to make
sure that the ex has to pay, and pay, and pay.


Also that women are not responsible for their own personal decisions.

I have not stated that I was not responsible. I think that if I were to
sit back, wait on a disability check every month and not go after the
person who also is responsible - then wouldn't that make me not facing my
responsibilities? Why is the father not responisible? Give me a good
reason why I shouldn't go after him? I would love to hear one.

"danceteacher1973" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
Sir or Madam, I assure you that this is no work of fiction. This has
been
my nightmare of a life for the past 3 years. How may I offer you proof?
Would you like to see the pictures that was taken after I was beaten?
Honestly, after I am out of court on Jan. 11, I will gladly send you
information to prove to you that this is a legitimate case. I would
post
information of proof here but honestly, I am afraid you may find out who
my ex is and help him stay out of jail or God forbid, take pity on him
and
help keep him from having to pay any kind of child support.

Second, let me clear up a few things. The reason I mentioned that he
refused to work a second job while being employed as a firefighter is
this
- most firefighters work 2 jobs.

You are proving the OP's point.

My ex went from making $50,000 as an
industrial insulator to making $28,000 as a firefighter. He "worked" a
24
hour shift but was home 48 hours after that. The 24 hours that he was
on
duty was mostly spent sitting, sleeping, or eating while waiting on a
fire
call. Yes, being a firefighter can be dangerous but most of the time
the
only danger he faced was losing the remote and the liutenant getting
upset
with him. Also, after the birth of our third child, we decided together
that I should be a stay-at-home Mom. I would only have been working to
pay for child care. Besides, at that time He had voluntarily decided to
take a second job so that their children would be able to stay at home
and
not be sent off daily to be cared for by a stranger.

Free hint to the clueless.....you (and your children) are not guaranteed
or entitled to a certain lifestyle.


Next, there are a couple of reasons that I refused to try to get
disability. First and formost, it would have taken too long. I am 32
years old and would have been denied from the start. After waiting
probably 6 months to be denied the first time, I would have waited
another
year for a court date - even with an attorney. I spoke to many
attorneys
about this. So how was I going to live and support 3 children while
waiting? Secondly, I do not believe this is anyone else's fault except
that of my ex. I should not have to rely on taxpayers to support me and
my children. Therefore I am going after his money and not disability.
Would you rather me be sitting on my butt and waiting on a check to
arrive
every month or would you rather I do everything I can to try to support
my
children- that includes going after their strung-out, dead beat father.
Would you like to pay me or would you rather I go after his money?

What reads clear in your posts is that "it is always somebody else's
fault" and "always someone else's responsibility"


Another free hint......the paranoia bit is a little over the top if you
expect any sympathy.

"danceteacher1973" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
I have not stated that I was not responsible. I think that if I were to
sit back, wait on a disability check every month and not go after the
person who also is responsible - then wouldn't that make me not facing my
responsibilities? Why is the father not responisible? Give me a good
reason why I shouldn't go after him? I would love to hear one.

Because you're posting to a newsgroup that has become a gathering place for
people who don't think fathers should be forced to pay child support.

You should have realized that when you first started reading the posts - and
saved the keystrokes.

You won't find any help here, as I tried to advise you.

"danceteacher1973" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
I just found this site and while reading some of the past posts, I became
upset and appalled. To those of you who believe that dead beat fathers
should not be sent to jail, should have their child support lessened, and
should be treated "better," well, I hope this information will give you a
little insight as to why you are in the wrong.

Not all of us got into this mess on purpose nor did we ever invision being
in this situation. We are not all "money grubbing bitches" as I have seen
us being called. Not all of us enjoy caring and supporting our children
alone. Not all of us are taking our exes to court for fun and for
revenge.

There are undoubtedly people who would say exactly that. And adamantly
maintain their position. But I think most people arereasonable enough to
say that there are 2 sides, and that people on both sides of the issue are
being hurt by the system. I read your whole story. I have a couple of
questions. What percentage of his take home pay do you think you should be
receiving? Will having to pay you that percentage leave him enough to live
on? That's the kind of fairness people aer looking for--children receiving
enough to have their basic needs met, and NCPs having enough to live on.
Don't you think that is reasonable?

Several years ago my husband discovered he ha13-year-old daughter (from a
one night stand before we even met). Her mother has several children from an
equal number of men, and has never worked a day in her life. We have 2
planned for children that suddenly became "irrelevant" according to the
child support system. Only this other child counts. So, Dance, tell me:
What percentage of my husbands take home pay should be taken to support this
other child (who, btw, I agree needs to be supported)? Should the moneys
taken be used to support her entire household? (It's the only cs $$ coming
in--the other dads have not yet been located)

Lifestyle is not guaranteed, Dance. Ae your children's needs being met?
That's the important thing. I know what you mean about having to tell
disappointed children that you cannot do something because of lack of money.
I have to tell my children "no" quite often also--but it's because we are
struggling to pay off arrearages that accrued for a child that we never knew
existed. Just a little snapshot from the other side of the coin.

"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...

"danceteacher1973" wrote in message
lkaboutparenting.com...
I have not stated that I was not responsible. I think that if I were to
sit back, wait on a disability check every month and not go after the
person who also is responsible - then wouldn't that make me not facing my
responsibilities? Why is the father not responisible? Give me a good
reason why I shouldn't go after him? I would love to hear one.

Because you're posting to a newsgroup that has become a gathering place
for people who don't think fathers should be forced to pay child support.

You should have realized that when you first started reading the posts -
and saved the keystrokes.

You won't find any help here, as I tried to advise you.

Well, Moon, she does deserve to hear both sides of the issue. And not
everyone here is unreasonable.