Marriage problems - advice needed

"lm" wrote in message

"confused" wrote:

I
don't mistreat my husband and I do compliment him, if I didn't why would
he
say he was 90% happy with our relationship?

Maybe because he doesn't know you're ****ing someone else?

LOL
Dennis

"Cele" wrote in message

Lacking a dishwasher, I accomplished much the same thing by buying one
of those scrubbers that you fill with dish soap, and a plant spray
bottle that I filled with dishsoap and water. The deal here is, you
have to wash your own dishes as you use them. She who cooks, does not
have to wash cooking dishes, and she who eats but does not cook,
washes.

Same applied to my marraige. Cooking was about 50/50 hence only half the
washing up. I have always had a dishwasher in the house. I do it all now, as
it only takes a minute to load or empty. I don't see what everyone is
grumbling about.

I like your improvisations though.

Dennis

"confused"

Am I crazy? What should I do?

Leave the kids with their father, he is obviously far more responsible than
you.

Dennis

Big Snip

Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis but I feel like an
old woman. Our sex life has been bad almost since the start of our
relationship but that didn't seem to matter as we always enjoyed each
other's company.

1) Sex doesn't define the relationship, the people do. Some people believe
that sex determines the compatibility between a couple. Some don't. If
you're one of those who thinks it does, then it was a warning sign from the
beginning.


I slept with someone else a couple of weeks ago
and it was fantastic. He was 24 and we were at it for hours, he made me
excited and I've not been able to stop thinking about him. I told this guy
I
was married and that it was a one night stand, I don't have any intention
of
seeing him again but it's made me feel like a sexual being again.

It should have stopped IMMEDIATELY once you told him you were married. You
should have been the more mature person. While I"m not an advocate for
extramarital affairs (I suspected that my ex used to have them all the time
when he was constantly accusing me of them!) I do understand that sometimes
they happen. it's a choice. You chose to have an affair, no matter how short
or long it was or is, it's still an affair and it's still dishonest.
Dishonesty is a key to destroying a relationship.


He seemed
really keen on me and said really nice things, not only that but we were
talking about things and he was nice to spend time with.


He's a player! He's also a kid! I don't know how old you are.

I don't want to go down the road of cheating on my husband

Too Late.


as I've never
done this before but I set out to have sex that night to prove to myself
that I could have good sex - and I did!

Maybe I'm reading too much into this but doesn't this seem really
superficial???

I don't feel sexually attracted to
him anymore although I love him.

Makes no sense but ok.

Also he works a lot and is always in a bad
mood. According to him he is 90% happy with our relationship and this
makes
me feel guilty. I married him for all the right reasons and we have 2
lovely
kids (who are hard work).

RED FLAG!!!

I couldn't think of a better father, we wanted the
kids and they are loved by both of us.

As they should be. They're the innocent victims here of your unfaithfulness
and your husband's obvious unhappiness with the relationship.

I feel as though I cannot guarantee
my faithfulness now that I have done it once and he doesn't deserve that.
I
am also scared of being a single parent because I don't know anyone else
in
this situation, what would I do? How would I cope? I seem to have more
time
for the kids when he is not around so maybe they would be better off.

you can't *guarantee* faithfulness??? I won't say anything further....

Is it
better to stay in this marriage and have flings on the side hoping that
it's
just a phase? or should we split up and go our seperate ways?

Why do you insist on victimizing your kids? And if they were to stay with
you, are you going to continue to victimize them? When I say "victimize" I
mean, when you cheat, it hurts them because they see that you don't love
their daddy. and they think that they're the cause. This shouldn't be about
you, this should be about them and how NOT to hurt them!


This has taken a couple of days to reply to as I can only type in very short
bursts. When I began my reply, I thought that I might get flamed for
replying to a troll. So I figured that if I just say my piece and then
ignore this as a troll, I'd be ok because it'd give me a chance to vent a
little. I understand that many single parents are single parents not through
any choice of their own, this person is obviously asking for it. I feel
sorry for the kids.

"P.Fritz" wrote in message
...

"confused" wrote in message
...
Joelle, with your attitude it's no wonder your a single parent. What
man
could put up with you? and no I won't go away because not everyone has
your
dismissive attitude. I came her with a real problem hoping to get some
advice from people who are in the situation of being a single parent. I
don't mistreat my husband and I do compliment him, if I didn't why would
he
say he was 90% happy with our relationship?

Selfish clueless bitch................cheaating on you spouse IS
mistreating
him.

Sheesh.


LMAO trust Paul to point out the obvious. I hope he finds out and takes the
children away from HER.

Christine

On Fri, 27 Aug 2004 18:40:58 +0100, "denanson" Dennis@Large .ie
wrote:


"Cele" wrote in message

Lacking a dishwasher, I accomplished much the same thing by buying one
of those scrubbers that you fill with dish soap, and a plant spray
bottle that I filled with dishsoap and water. The deal here is, you
have to wash your own dishes as you use them. She who cooks, does not
have to wash cooking dishes, and she who eats but does not cook,
washes.

Same applied to my marraige. Cooking was about 50/50 hence only half the
washing up. I have always had a dishwasher in the house. I do it all now, as
it only takes a minute to load or empty. I don't see what everyone is
grumbling about.

I like your improvisations though.

Dennis

I've had a dishwasher maybe 40% of the time. Don't have one now, and
haven't had since....um....whew. I guess it's less than 40%. Now that
I think about it the last dishwasher we had was in '94, and I divorced
in '92. So there you go. I rarely have one. But we're apartment
hunting now, and it's on the list. Won't die if we don't get one
though.

THose scrubber things are great. But now that D's moved out and T's
the only one left and she has an actual life, the dishes are fewer and
fewer. I guess if I want to do some dishes I'll have to invite someone
over or something.

Cele

"confused" wrote in message
...
I'm 30 with 2 kids aged 5 and 2. I've been with my partner for 11 years,
married for 7. Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis but I feel like an
old woman. Our sex life has been bad almost since the start of our
relationship but that didn't seem to matter as we always enjoyed each
other's company. Now we have the kids it seems more important somehow. snip

Save the drama for yo mamma...this is a SINGLE parent group.
V

Dear Confused:

Affairs don't solve problems, they make problems worse. How would you feel
if you found out that your spouse cheated on you? How would you feel if you
found out that the guy you slept with gave you Genital Warts or Hepatitis or
Crabs? Then you passed it on to your husband and kids?

First you talk with your husband. If that doesn't work, then you go to
counseling. If that doesn't work, get the hell out of there...AND THEN go
**** like a monkey. You have dishonored your husband. I'm speaking from
previous experience here that there is no bigger shame for a man, than to
know that his some other man had sex with his wife...and that this guy now
walks around knowing that he was unable to satisfy her enough to keep her
faithful.

Unhappy marriages suck. What sucks worse is that our kids know we have
unhappy marriages. They see it, and they accept it as a normal part of
life. When they grow up, they seek relationships that remind them of their
childhood. Is this the kind of relationship you want them to aspire to?
One where financial concerns and selfish desires are more important than
communication and happiness?

Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. Communicate. Don't tell him
what you did...it may make you feel better, but it will make him feel worse.
Make an effort to talk to each other. If that doesn't work, then get the
hell out of there. Go have a happy life, and let him have a happy life with
someone who will have more respect for him than you did.

Good Luck.

Buster Van Buren
www.dearbuster.com







"confused" wrote in message
...
I'm 30 with 2 kids aged 5 and 2. I've been with my partner for 11 years,
married for 7. Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis but I feel like
an
old woman. Our sex life has been bad almost since the start of our
relationship but that didn't seem to matter as we always enjoyed each
other's company. Now we have the kids it seems more important somehow. I
do
love him and can see us being together when we are old age pensioners but
at
the moment I am not happy. I slept with someone else a couple of weeks ago
and it was fantastic. He was 24 and we were at it for hours, he made me
excited and I've not been able to stop thinking about him. I told this guy
I
was married and that it was a one night stand, I don't have any intention
of
seeing him again but it's made me feel like a sexual being again. He
seemed
really keen on me and said really nice things, not only that but we were
talking about things and he was nice to spend time with.

I don't want to go down the road of cheating on my husband as I've never
done this before but I set out to have sex that night to prove to myself
that I could have good sex - and I did! I don't feel sexually attracted to
him anymore although I love him. Also he works a lot and is always in a
bad
mood. According to him he is 90% happy with our relationship and this
makes
me feel guilty. I married him for all the right reasons and we have 2
lovely
kids (who are hard work). I couldn't think of a better father, we wanted
the
kids and they are loved by both of us. I feel as though I cannot guarantee
my faithfulness now that I have done it once and he doesn't deserve that.
I
am also scared of being a single parent because I don't know anyone else
in
this situation, what would I do? How would I cope? I seem to have more
time
for the kids when he is not around so maybe they would be better off. Is
it
better to stay in this marriage and have flings on the side hoping that
it's
just a phase? or should we split up and go our seperate ways? To make
matters worse we have a mortgage etc.. I don't really want to move my kids
when they are settled here. Am I crazy? What should I do?


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there is no bigger shame for a man, than to
know that his some other man had sex with his wife.

Well that's just stupid. That shame belongs to his wife, not him. There should
be no greater shame for a man than that he abandon his children.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

"Joelle" wrote in message
...
there is no bigger shame for a man, than to
know that his some other man had sex with his wife.

Well that's just stupid. That shame belongs to his wife, not him. There
should
be no greater shame for a man than that he abandon his children.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

I happen to agree with him. It's a horrible feeling to find out you've been
cheated on and you tend to internalize that experience... therefore it
becomes your shame, does it not? Regardless, I happened to like his post.

Christine