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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
This is going to encompass several different issues/questions, so
please bear with me! Some background: DS is 2.75, and I just had baby #2 last week, so everything I post is influenced by that. Dayca DS had been going to the same small home-based dcp since he was 10 weeks old. I like her for a lot of stuff, but lately have been wanting to make a change, largely to get a little more structure for ds. The idea was that we would make the switch after my maternity leave is over. We still haven't figured out exactly what we want to do, since I want something a little more structured for ds, but also want to put dd at the same place, which might not need the same characteristics. Ideally, I'd like dd to get more personal attention than she'd get at a center, (which is why I picked home-based for ds in the first place), so I'd probably want to do another home-based one for dd. One thought is to put ds at the same place, but supplement with preschool. I'm also not sure if I'll be going back PT or FT, which complicates matters as well. My plan for maternity leave was that I would pull ds from daycare, and signed up for story time at the library (once a week for 6 weeks). I also planned to sign up for a Mommy & me once a week thing at the park district, but the chance to register for out of district was late, and I got busy and haven't been able to sign up. (I can't remember if it has started yet - I might still be able to get in). I have to admit, I got a little distracted from some of these issues because we suddenly had to replace both of our junior level staff at our mom & pop architecture firm, and we were busy freaking/hiring on that issue! Getting to the stuff going on... DS usually liked going to daycare, but sometimes protested. However, 9 times out of 10, as soon as we got there, he would go find something to do and be fine. However, since dd was born, he has not wanted to go there at all. My MIL brought hime there while I was in the hospital (so she could go to work) and he didn't want to go. Then, today, the plan was to go to story time, and then he would go to daycare for a while so I could get a little bit of time just with the baby. (That part was a later addition to the original plan.) If that worked out, we were thinking of doing a little bit of more daycare during my leave. Anyhow, we went to storytime. (Originally, that was going to be the focus of this post, but I realized there are a lot more issues going on.) He was excited to go, but didn't want to settle down. I kind of expected that - he's not very good about following directions. The other kids (18-36 months, IIRC) mainly were sitting still and following directions, though of course, not entirely. Part of my original question is: what shoud my expectations be for that? I'm not sure if the kids were more cooperative because that was self-selected (i.e., the parents signed them up because they though they had the right attitude or whatever) or whether I need to get more on the ball about getting ds to follow directions. Ds will sometimes do what you ask - bring a dishcloth to wipe up spills, for instance, but OTOH, he is very headstrong and I probably let him get away with too much because I can only deal with so many things at one time. So, for instance, I can occassionally get him to help put away toys, but I have to be helping him. So, anyhow, I'm trying to figure out a bunch of things. What are reasonable expectations for cooperation from a 2.75 yr old? What is the best sort of daycare/preschool for a kid like mine? How much should I push things right now, since he is in the middle of the huge adjustment of a new baby in the house, and having to share mommy's attention? (Fortunately, dd sleeps a lot, so I've been able to give ds a lot of attention, but sometimes he does have to wait. Also, it's been a bit chaotic, with people visiting like my MIL, my sister and mom, etc, so he's getting a lot of attention, but also feels very needy for mom.) Oh, yeah, I almost forgot to talk about what happened after storytime. The whole time, he had been complaining - he didn't want to sit, he didn't want to stay, he didn't want to go to daycare afterwards. We did find a few videos to check out, but when I got to the checkout, I realized my library card wasn't in my purse. That prompted a meltdown like I haven't seen in months, mainly about not wanting to go to daycare. I finally got him calmed down, and we went to the car. I took him to daycare, largely because he doesn't get things from tantrums is a big policy of ours, and also not to change the plan. Anyhow, dd is waking up. So - help!! Irene mom to Thomas 7/01 & Gwendolyn 4/8/04 |
#2
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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
I'm not sure if the kids were more cooperative because that was
self-selected (i.e., the parents signed them up because they though they had the right attitude or whatever) Possibly. I know my boys wouldn't sit still for storytime so they don't go. My daughter would so she did. or whether I need to get more on the ball about getting ds to follow directions. Tough one. My boys aren't so good at that. They have to be told several times, but so does my daughter lately. You can work on it but I wouldn't stress over it. What are reasonable expectations for cooperation from a 2.75 yr old? I think at that age they're better when you do it with them, or show them. I personally think at his age he can help pick up toys. Luckily I don't have to help him, his brother and sister do that - lol. They also sing a clean up song, that goes over well with the 2.4 yr old. What is the best sort of daycare/preschool for a kid like mine? I don't know what the *best* is but my kids started at 2.2 yrs and 2.9 yrs (whenever they were right for the cut-off - #3 will go this Fall at 2.8 yrs old) at a 2 morning a week (8:30 to 11:30) drop-off toddler group. They need to be around other kids, away from me, listen to a teacher, and I need the break from them honestly. How much should I push things right now, since he is in the middle of the huge adjustment of a new baby in the house, and having to share mommy's attention? I would have done it before the baby was born. I would just do it. To an extent I'm a big beleiver in "they'll get over it". (Fortunately, dd sleeps a lot, so I've been able to give ds a lot of attention, but sometimes he does have to wait. Well, patience and waiting are good things to learn Also, it's been a bit chaotic, with people visiting like my MIL, my sister and mom, etc, so he's getting a lot of attention, but also feels very needy for mom.) Natural. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot to talk about what happened after storytime. The whole time, he had been complaining - he didn't want to sit, he didn't want to stay, he didn't want to go to daycare afterwards. We did find a few videos to check out, but when I got to the checkout, I realized my library card wasn't in my purse. That prompted a meltdown like I haven't seen in months, mainly about not wanting to go to daycare. I finally got him calmed down, and we went to the car. Is he tired? Or was it just a good old tantrum? I took him to daycare, largely because he doesn't get things from tantrums is a big policy of ours, and also not to change the plan. Good for you! Anyhow, dd is waking up. So - help!! Irene mom to Thomas 7/01 & Gwendolyn 4/8/04 {{hugs}} It gets better Sophie #4 due 7/18/04 |
#3
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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
"Irene" wrote in message om... This is going to encompass several different issues/questions, so please bear with me! Some background: DS is 2.75, and I just had baby #2 last week, so everything I post is influenced by that. Dayca DS had been going to the same small home-based dcp since he was 10 weeks old. I like her for a lot of stuff, but lately have been wanting to make a change, largely to get a little more structure for ds. The idea was that we would make the switch after my maternity leave is over. We still haven't figured out exactly what we want to do, since I want something a little more structured for ds, but also want to put dd at the same place, which might not need the same characteristics. Ideally, I'd like dd to get more personal attention than she'd get at a center, (which is why I picked home-based for ds in the first place), so I'd probably want to do another home-based one for dd. One thought is to put ds at the same place, but supplement with preschool. I'm also not sure if I'll be going back PT or FT, which complicates matters as well. My plan for maternity leave was that I would pull ds from daycare, and signed up for story time at the library (once a week for 6 weeks). I also planned to sign up for a Mommy & me once a week thing at the park district, but the chance to register for out of district was late, and I got busy and haven't been able to sign up. (I can't remember if it has started yet - I might still be able to get in). I have to admit, I got a little distracted from some of these issues because we suddenly had to replace both of our junior level staff at our mom & pop architecture firm, and we were busy freaking/hiring on that issue! Getting to the stuff going on... DS usually liked going to daycare, but sometimes protested. However, 9 times out of 10, as soon as we got there, he would go find something to do and be fine. However, since dd was born, he has not wanted to go there at all. My MIL brought hime there while I was in the hospital (so she could go to work) and he didn't want to go. Then, today, the plan was to go to story time, and then he would go to daycare for a while so I could get a little bit of time just with the baby. (That part was a later addition to the original plan.) If that worked out, we were thinking of doing a little bit of more daycare during my leave. Anyhow, we went to storytime. (Originally, that was going to be the focus of this post, but I realized there are a lot more issues going on.) He was excited to go, but didn't want to settle down. I kind of expected that - he's not very good about following directions. The other kids (18-36 months, IIRC) mainly were sitting still and following directions, though of course, not entirely. Part of my original question is: what shoud my expectations be for that? I'm not sure if the kids were more cooperative because that was self-selected (i.e., the parents signed them up because they though they had the right attitude or whatever) or whether I need to get more on the ball about getting ds to follow directions. Ds will sometimes do what you ask - bring a dishcloth to wipe up spills, for instance, but OTOH, he is very headstrong and I probably let him get away with too much because I can only deal with so many things at one time. So, for instance, I can occassionally get him to help put away toys, but I have to be helping him. So, anyhow, I'm trying to figure out a bunch of things. What are reasonable expectations for cooperation from a 2.75 yr old? What is the best sort of daycare/preschool for a kid like mine? How much should I push things right now, since he is in the middle of the huge adjustment of a new baby in the house, and having to share mommy's attention? YOu shouldn't push it..but don't be more realxed about it either. He needs to know you are still paying attention to him and that he still needs to clean up ( more so now that you have a baby to look after). Yes it is an adjustment but just because it is an adjustment doesn't mean he gets to slack off to adjust. He has to understand that you are not going to let him use that against you...( without telling him in those words)...keep doing what you have always done, don't push more....just the same as before. (Fortunately, dd sleeps a lot, so I've been able to give ds a lot of attention, but sometimes he does have to wait. Also, it's been a bit chaotic, with people visiting like my MIL, my sister and mom, etc, so he's getting a lot of attention, but also feels very needy for mom.) Oh, yeah, I almost forgot to talk about what happened after storytime. The whole time, he had been complaining - he didn't want to sit, he didn't want to stay, he didn't want to go to daycare afterwards. We did find a few videos to check out, but when I got to the checkout, I realized my library card wasn't in my purse. That prompted a meltdown like I haven't seen in months, mainly about not wanting to go to daycare. I finally got him calmed down, and we went to the car. I took him to daycare, largely because he doesn't get things from tantrums is a big policy of ours, and also not to change the plan. Anyhow, dd is waking up. So - help!! Irene mom to Thomas 7/01 & Gwendolyn 4/8/04 |
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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
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#5
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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
Irene wrote:
Dayca DS had been going to the same small home-based dcp since he was 10 weeks old. I like her for a lot of stuff, but lately have been wanting to make a change, largely to get a little more structure for ds. If structure is the only concern you have, your son liked it there, and you think she provides good baby care I'd probably try the idea of staying with her and adding preschool. It never hurts to look around though. You might find a really good alternative. DS usually liked going to daycare, but sometimes protested. However, 9 times out of 10, as soon as we got there, he would go find something to do and be fine. However, since dd was born, he has not wanted to go there at all. I think that is fairly normal. Also, if Luke had less then 3 days a week of daycare he'd fall apart on daycare days so he may need daycare to be a consistent and predictable part of his routine to feel OK with it. By the time Luke was a little over 2 he'd sometimes say he wanted to go to daycare, Hunter never does. He'd *always* choose to stay home so I never ever ask him. Part of my original question is: what should my expectations be for that? (snipped story time explanation) Neither of mine would have been still for story time at that age, especially not Luke. Hunter might have been because he was to shy to move, lol. We've taken Luke to Hunter's story time and he is all over the place. So, for instance, I can occasionally get him to help put away toys, but I have to be helping him. This sounds very normal to me for a less then 3yo. How much should I push things right now, since he is in the middle of the huge adjustment of a new baby in the house, I wouldn't loosen up on my expectations at home necessarily but if he isn't enjoying story time I'd quit it. Actually we even did that for Hunter who was much older. Unless you need him to go to daycare I wouldn't worry about it and let him stay home until you go back to work. If you do need him to go I might have him go 3 mornings a week or something so it is consistent and predictable for him. That prompted a meltdown like I haven't seen in months, mainly about not wanting to go to daycare. Some kids can go from zero to 100 in two seconds can't they! Hunter was so sleep deprived when Luke was a newborn it wasn't even funny. Could that be an issue? That could lead to inability to be still and attentive, meltdowns, cranky, whiny etc. Luke was tired tonight and he had a fit because I laid the toast down in an incorrect position. It will get better. In the mean time I wouldn't ask anything new and unusual from him and continue on with reasonable expectations for behavior at home. I did a swimming class with Hunter on my maternity leave because I thought it would be some extra attention for just him. It was but in hindsight I think he'd have rather I just laid around on the bed with him or went for a walk or something. They aren't really into activities or events at that age. He'll likely have more *moments* and just try to be patient and maybe an extra hug when it is all over. -- Nikki Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2) |
#6
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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
"Nikki" wrote in message ...
Irene wrote: Dayca DS had been going to the same small home-based dcp since he was 10 weeks old. I like her for a lot of stuff, but lately have been wanting to make a change, largely to get a little more structure for ds. If structure is the only concern you have, your son liked it there, and you think she provides good baby care I'd probably try the idea of staying with her and adding preschool. It never hurts to look around though. You might find a really good alternative. Part of the problem is that there are a few things I'm starting to not like as much anymore. Mainly, a little too much tv, and dcp's son (age 23, with mild learning disorders) lets him roughouse a little too much, which is encouraging more aggressive behavior than I would like. Not that our household is perfect in that regard - dh is a bad influence. g Ok, and I've let more tv be on since dd was born, too. So, anyhow, I'm not sure if I want ds to stay there. Otherwise, this would be so much simpler! I've been thinking about everything that everyone poted, and I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. By the time I picked him up, he was fine, and was happy to go back the next day. How much should I push things right now, since he is in the middle of the huge adjustment of a new baby in the house, I wouldn't loosen up on my expectations at home necessarily but if he isn't enjoying story time I'd quit it. Actually we even did that for Hunter who was much older. Unless you need him to go to daycare I wouldn't worry about it and let him stay home until you go back to work. If you do need him to go I might have him go 3 mornings a week or something so it is consistent and predictable for him. On storytime, I haven't brought it up yet, but am considering asking him if he wants to go back. If he wants to, we'll try it again, and if not, we'll let it go. Obviously, I don't *need* him to go to daycare while I'm on leave, but dh had sugested it as a way to get a break. For instance, Friday I went to the outlet mall & got a bunch of new clothes for ds, which he desperately needed. That would have been a hugely exhausting trip with both dd & ds, but easy with just dd. He also approved of my choices, btw! Back to the point, Dcp thinks it is good for him to have some continuity, tho of course, she also wants the money, so it's not a completely unbiased opinion. ;-) That prompted a meltdown like I haven't seen in months, mainly about not wanting to go to daycare. Some kids can go from zero to 100 in two seconds can't they! Hunter was so sleep deprived when Luke was a newborn it wasn't even funny. Could that be an issue? Amazingly enough, I think he's getting enough sleep. He isn't always napping, but some days he is, and he's sleeping well at night (except the first night we came home, and last night when we had a thunderstorm with hail). That could lead to inability to be still and attentive, meltdowns, cranky, whiny etc. Luke was tired tonight and he had a fit because I laid the toast down in an incorrect position. I think part of the reason is that it's hard to get him active in the morning with the new baby. I had wanted a later storytime, but the latest available slot was9:30 - just barely time to get us all dressed & fed & out of the house. It will get better. In the mean time I wouldn't ask anything new and unusual from him and continue on with reasonable expectations for behavior at home. I did a swimming class with Hunter on my maternity leave because I thought it would be some extra attention for just him. It was but in hindsight I think he'd have rather I just laid around on the bed with him or went for a walk or something. They aren't really into activities or events at that age. He'll likely have more *moments* and just try to be patient and maybe an extra hug when it is all over. Yeah - we've only had one more meltdown since then, and this weekend has been better. Sigh...I just wish the right answer would get clearer. No matter what, someone is going to make me feel guilty about it. I had meant to really investigate my other options over the past few months, but then we had to hire all new staff, and that took all the time I had meant for that. :-( And of course, I always procrastinate on the hard decisions... Anyhow, thanks to everyone who responded, especially the hugs from Sophie - I really needed that! Irene the indecisive |
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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
"Irene" wrote in message om... "Nikki" wrote in message ... Irene wrote: .. Part of the problem is that there are a few things I'm starting to not like as much anymore. Mainly, a little too much tv, and dcp's son (age 23, with mild learning disorders) lets him roughouse a little too much, which is encouraging more aggressive behavior than I would like. Hmm. I say follow your instincts. Can you describe the rough-housing? I have an almost-8 year old son, and I had to continually keep myself from hovering over him when it comes to things like that, probably because I'm female and just not used to it (although some are, which is perfectly fine). I found that as my son grew from baby/toddler hood into "boy" mode he did alot of things that I wasn't used to or expecting and it made me nervous at times. I don't see anything wrong with a little rough-housing as boys tend to be motor inclined and girls verbal. However, things can always be too excessive or just "over the top", so I would just try to use my common sense in that regard. Is the dcp's son mildly-retarded or just has mild learning disorders such as, for example, dyslexia or something like that? I say go with your mommy instinct. If things are looking iffy then don't send him back. Not that our household is perfect in that regard - dh is a bad influence. g Ok, and I've let more tv be on since dd was born, too. So, anyhow, I'm not sure if I want ds to stay there. Otherwise, this would be so much simpler! Honestly, I say go with the tv while you're all adjusting and dd is so small and the dust is trying to settle after the new arrival. Kind of like everyone taking a deep breath after a big change. I'm not saying plop him in front of it every chance you get, but if he's watching more while you're on mat. leave, then don't stress about it. I've been thinking about everything that everyone poted, and I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. By the time I picked him up, he was fine, and was happy to go back the next day. I don't know the perfect answer for this, but if it were me, then I would not have made him go the day he had a meltdown. I can of course see his point of view, you are home with new baby and you are new baby's mommy too and he feels like he's missing out which is understandable from his POV. I guess I am a sucker because I would have let him stay home, I think it was his two year old way of trying to tell you something. It sounds more like he was panicking then throwing a temper tantrum to get his way. I think there is a difference. How much should I push things right now, since he is in the middle of the huge adjustment of a new baby in the house, I wouldn't push anything at all. I would just go with the flow and probably let alot of things slide for the time being. Obviously, I don't *need* him to go to daycare while I'm on leave, but dh had sugested it as a way to get a break. For instance, Friday I went to the outlet mall & got a bunch of new clothes for ds, which he desperately needed. That would have been a hugely exhausting trip with both dd & ds, but easy with just dd. Would there be any way you could go shopping for clothes after DH gets home? The big outlet mall where I live doesn't close until 9. He also approved of my choices, btw! Back to the point, Dcp thinks it is good for him to have some continuity, tho of course, she also wants the money, so it's not a completely unbiased opinion. ;-) I still say go with your gut instinct and your son's comfort level. I think part of the reason is that it's hard to get him active in the morning with the new baby. I had wanted a later storytime, but the latest available slot was9:30 - just barely time to get us all dressed & fed & out of the house. Oh I would totally ditch storytime. I would let things like this slide while you're on leave. Just relax, enjoy your new baby, try not to worry about structure for right now. You could spend that 9:30 in your pj's with DS and DD and read them stories yourself. Yeah - we've only had one more meltdown since then, and this weekend has been better. He'll come around, he may be feeding off of you if you're feeling worried about him or guilty about his structure. I would just try to be really lax right now. Of course reasonably so, no hitting or being mean, etc. Sigh...I just wish the right answer would get clearer. No matter what, someone is going to make me feel guilty about it. I had meant to really investigate my other options over the past few months, but then we had to hire all new staff, and that took all the time I had meant for that. :-( And of course, I always procrastinate on the hard decisions... I know it's tough, but don't be so hard on yourself. Just the fact that you're so concerned shows what a good mommy you are, but I think the more you worry about everything the more stressed everyone will get. Just relax, let DS watch tv if it helps for the time being, make sure he's feeling included in the new family structure. I don't think he probably cares so much what you're doing with him when he's home but the fact that he's included in being home with the new baby may be a good thing for him. My ped always told me a happy mom = happy baby(babies). Now, of course, if you are having one of those days where you feel like you're about to lose it then of course do what you need to do to get a break. But if he's screaming to not go, and you let him stay home, I wouldn't be worried about tv and things like that. He gets to be home, he's occupied for the time being, and everyone's calm. Don't know if that helps any, but I thought I'd throw it out there. Good luck!! Heather Anyhow, thanks to everyone who responded, especially the hugs from Sophie - I really needed that! Irene the indecisive |
#8
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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
Irene wrote:
Part of the problem is that there are a few things I'm starting to not like as much anymore. All I can say is that when I was in a similar situation (starting to have doubts about a provider I previously loved) in the end my only regret was not switching sooner. By the time I picked him up, he was fine, and was happy to go back the next day. That's the rub -- they pretty much always end up fine, lol. It just depends on what kind of stress you'd rather have. :-) The stress of not having the break, or the stress of taking a crying toddler to daycare! Sigh...I just wish the right answer would get clearer. No matter what, someone is going to make me feel guilty about it. I know that feeling and you are probably your own worst enemy! I had meant to really investigate my other options over the past few months, but then we had to hire all new staff, and that took all the time I had meant for that. :-( I'm always putting things off. I can't decide what I want when dh goes back to work and so I haven't decided anything yet. He starts on May 1st. I'll either be working till 4am every morning or taking a heck of a lot of leave if I don't get moving!! Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself. It will all work out, it always does. I've noticed that the toddlers only notice the way major bumps :-) -- Nikki Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2) |
#9
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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
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#10
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Toddler qs - daycare, new baby, et.c - long!
"Nikki" wrote in message ...
Irene wrote: By the time I picked him up, he was fine, and was happy to go back the next day. That's the rub -- they pretty much always end up fine, lol. It just depends on what kind of stress you'd rather have. :-) The stress of not having the break, or the stress of taking a crying toddler to daycare! Exactly! Sigh...I just wish the right answer would get clearer. No matter what, someone is going to make me feel guilty about it. I know that feeling and you are probably your own worst enemy! Ain't that the truth...;-) I had meant to really investigate my other options over the past few months, but then we had to hire all new staff, and that took all the time I had meant for that. :-( I'm always putting things off. I can't decide what I want when dh goes back to work and so I haven't decided anything yet. He starts on May 1st. I'll either be working till 4am every morning or taking a heck of a lot of leave if I don't get moving!! I think I'm missing something - is your dh watching the kids now? Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself. It will all work out, it always does. I've noticed that the toddlers only notice the way major bumps :-) One way or another... Irene |
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