Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!

In article , Jay says...
Hello, first post to a newsgroup in a long, long time!

Well, this is the situation. My wife, who usually insists on doing
everything herself, also wants to give birth by herself (keep reading...
with NO help!!!

heh - that sounded like me. I chickened out ( being a newbie beginner )
and am SO GLAD I DID ! Has she had a baby before ? I tell you what, I
thought it would be a lot easier !! I had fantasies of clutching my
tummy, slipping onto the bathroom floor, and having the newborn slide
into the world and everyone being in awe of me later

This is her/our first child.

oops. ok.
i'd really suggest the hospital.

She hates the idea of
everyone looking at her

No-one is looking at you.
Well, no-one looked at me, and if they did, I didn't notice as my eyes
were scrunched up in agony.



--
Proudly presenting Bébé B
Born 20.Apr.2004

Sophie wrote:

What is it you think she needs to do to prepare for a proper homebirth,
other than enjoy the rest of her pregnancy?
-- Dagny



This will sound smart-assy so I apologize now for not knowing how else to
word my question - is a homebirth really that easy? Surely there's more to
it than just staying home and having the baby. There's *nothing* you need
to do to prepare?

There's not a lot, really. There are a few supplies
to have on hand, and there's a certain amount of knowledge
needed, but it's not particularly complicated. Remember,
if things are normal there's not much to do, and if things
are not normal they you'll likely be going to the hospital.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Where is Australia are you?

Are there any Birthing Centres around where you live? That might be a happy
medium.

If that's a no go, then really, it's her decision (anything forced on her
would be assult). That's not to say you don't get a say - but you've done
that... she knows how you (and everyone else) feels. What needs to happen
now is for you to both go on, assuming you will have an unassisted
homebirth, and do a heap of research. That way, you can both arm yourselves
with the same knowledge - not opinion or emotion - and make a united front
as a family.

Good luck!

Jo (RM)

Jay wrote:
Hello, first post to a newsgroup in a long, long time!

Well, this is the situation. My wife, who usually insists on doing
everything herself, also wants to give birth by herself (keep
reading... with NO help!!!
We live in Australia. We can't afford to have a mid-wife for a home
birth, but medicare would probably cover the cost of a mid-wife if we
went to the hospital. We would both have liked to have a home birth
with a mid-wife present, but since we can't afford it, for the sake
of safety everyone I know (me, my mother, mother-in-law, sister,
friends) has suggested that we MUST go to the hospital. This is
her/our first child. She hates the idea of everyone looking at her
and keeps telling me how uncomfortable she'll be at the hospital
(whether it's a male OR female doctor OR mid-wife helping out). She
is 22 and thinks she know everything! She believes she can do
everything herself at home without any help... not even from me or
her mother! Though, even with our help it still won't be a good
situation. We can't help if there are complications. The only thing
we could do is call an ambulance to take her to the hospital (if we
can't force her to get there ourselves), where my wife doesn't
want to go in the first place! Everytime I (or her mother) try to
talk to her about this, she insists
she can do it all herself and gets mad. She says it's HER decision to
make. But, she forgets that there is another life involved and I feel
she is being quite selfish and not thinking about the baby's
well-being one bit. Just her own comfort level. Obviously she won't
listen to me because I'm the man and I couldn't POSSIBLY understand
her (this is the only major thing we fight about, otherwise our
marriage is wonderful and I love her VERY MUCH!!!). But, it's not
just me she won't listen to, it's her mother and ANYONE else who
doesn't agree with her!
Please, I need help. What can I do to convince her that she can't do
it all herself and she needs go to the hospital (if we could afford a
mid-wife, I wouldn't have a problem with a home birth, in fact I
think it would make my wife a lot more comfortable, but we can't).
The due date is just over a month from now and I'm worried about her
safety and the safety of our child . I'm worried the time will come
and I won't be near her and she won't ask anyone for help, she'll
just give birth on her own in an unsafe environment (not necessarily
because it's not in a hospital, but because she hasn't really planned
for anything, even if she wanted a proper home birth she hasn't done
anything to provide for it).

Thanks for any help or suggestions you may provide... please post
them to this group!

Jay

Stephanie J wrote in message
...

"Jay" wrote
Hello, first post to a newsgroup in a long, long time!

Well, this is the situation. My wife, who usually insists on doing
everything herself, also wants to give birth by herself (keep
reading...
with NO help!!!


Jay,

If your wife is serious then I would suggest that you and she both look
into
unassisted birth sites - UCBirth on Yahoo groups is very active and there
are some very nice people there with good advice.

I personally don't see anything wrong with her wanting to do it herself -
it's not that hard. As far as preparations - some kind of waterproof pads
for labor and right after the birth, a fairly clean environment for the
birth.. something sterile for the cord - cutting and tying, nasal bulb
syringe in case the baby is overly snuffly (though there are many people
who
just suck out the junk with their mouth and that's fine too), and pads for
your wife after birth.

I understand that you're not comfortble with it, and that is going to make
it harder for both of you. My husband wasn't too sure the first time we
had
an unassisted birth but he was the first one to assume we'd do it that way
again the next two times. It was more empowering for him, I think, than it
was for me! He wasn't the doctor, he wasn't the bystander. He was the
husband and the daddy.

And he had been through it before, whn he didn't want to. Can't you see
where this chap's coming from?
Tthere's nothing "wrong" with wanting to do it all yourself, but I'm not
convinced that the first time is the best idea.
For #1 I thought we'd walk casually into the hospital, have the baby, a bit
of pain maybe, but nothing like as bad as twisting your ankle, and come home
dancing. Pain relief was not necessary really was it? Limping home
afterwards I rejoiced in the epidural that had given me (necessary) relief
in a long labour, and was thankful for the medical support that had helped
me through. I knew I would never put myself through such pain again.
#2 I asked if the booking appointment included an epidural booking for 8th
month. I was so scared of the pain. I was going to have an epidural the
moment I walked through that hospital door, I knew I couldn't cope with the
pain. When I danced home (having not needed an epidural,) I couldn't believe
how easy it was...
What I'm saying is that just because you did it for subsequent births,
doesn't mean you would have managed it the first time. In the first time
too, you don't know how you're going to cope. What's the situation for this
person if she can't cope with the pain part way through-can she transfer
easily?
I'd say one thing they do need to prepare if she does go through with it,
would be back up. Which hospital will take her if she needs it, and what's
happening in an emergency. I'd also say that someone needs to be aware of
emergency situations during birth-and the best thing to do.
Maybe a friend who's given birth might be prepared to help, I certainly
don't think it's as easy as just "relax and enjoy it".
Debbie

On Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:32 +1000, melbgal1
wrote:

No-one is looking at you.
Well, no-one looked at me, and if they did, I didn't notice as my eyes
were scrunched up in agony.

Not to mention that modesty tends to quickly flee when one is in labor
;-)

Nan

"Welches" wrote in message
...

Stephanie J wrote in message
...


Can't you see where this chap's coming from?

Yes I do understand - that's why I put the part in about them having to talk
to each other seriously. His feelings and opinions are extremely valid -
it's his wife and child he's concerned about here! However, his wife also
has the right to have feelings and opinions about how her birth goes, it's
her body and baby. I don't see it as an either/or thing - they need to
figure something out that will have them both comfortable if at all
possible. It's not something to just walk into blindly no matter what kind
of birth you plan. How the labor and birth go affect your views on
childbirth for all future births. My first one was terrible. It took 3 more
progressively better ones to get to a point where homebirth was a serious
though - and what pushed my husband and I into seriously looking into
homebirth wa the fact that our local hospital was almost identical to the
one we had our first in. We didn't have choices here, period.

(snip)

I'd say one thing they do need to prepare if she does go through with it,
would be back up. Which hospital will take her if she needs it, and what's
happening in an emergency. I'd also say that someone needs to be aware of
emergency situations during birth-and the best thing to do.
Maybe a friend who's given birth might be prepared to help, I certainly
don't think it's as easy as just "relax and enjoy it".
Debbie


Most hospitals would have to take them, it's a matter of which one would be
most homebirth-friendly to transfers. From what I've read about the medical
system in Australia, they'd have a little easier time there than they would
in the U.S. If they lived in my area of the US, they would have exactly one
hospital to choose from so it wouldn't be an issue at all. Our area is very
homebirth unfriendly, period.

It isn't just that easy, at least it wasn't for me. I wan't terrified,
sure.. but it hurt. I thought about going in for medication. Back labor
hurts. Some presentations of the baby make things a lot more difficult.
Definitely be aware of things to look for - I believe that it is every
parent-to-be's best interest to do research before labor starts. I don't
care where you have your baby, you should know enough about the process and
your own body to know when something doesn't feel right. If I could go back
to the beginning of my childbearing years, I would have done the research
then instead of putting myself into a bad situation. Thank goodness the
internet is available for many now and there is a wealth of information out
here for all who can and are willing to look for it.

You can have a planned c-section and still be in charge of your birth, you
can plan to have an epidural and tons of internals and be in charge. You can
have a midwife at home or hospital and plan for bo drugs and be in charge. I
really don't care how other people choose to have their babies or feed their
babies or diaper their babies or school their babies - as long as they have
chosen the best route for them after doing the research.

Stephanie
mom to 7 - 4 hospital and 3 unassisted homebirths
17, 15, 12, 8, 6, 3 and 11 months.

Welches writes:

: Tthere's nothing "wrong" with wanting to do it all yourself, but I'm not
: convinced that the first time is the best idea.

I don't know. I think it is more important to have a homebirth for
the *first* baby than for subsequent babies, because of the
unnaturally high c-section rate, ane the opportunity for OBs to do
other unnecessary interventions that will increase the liklihood that
subsequent births will wind up being hospital births also.

Larry

"Nan" wrote in message
...
On Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:32 +1000, melbgal1
wrote:

No-one is looking at you.
Well, no-one looked at me, and if they did, I didn't notice as my eyes
were scrunched up in agony.

Not to mention that modesty tends to quickly flee when one is in labor
;-)

Nan


Modesty can return rapidly when you are being victimized.

And yes, people are looking at you. Big time.

-- Dagny

On 10 May 2004 11:52:17 -0700, Larry McMahan
wrote:

Welches writes:

: Tthere's nothing "wrong" with wanting to do it all yourself, but I'm
not
: convinced that the first time is the best idea.

I don't know. I think it is more important to have a homebirth for
the *first* baby than for subsequent babies, because of the
unnaturally high c-section rate, ane the opportunity for OBs to do
other unnecessary interventions that will increase the liklihood that
subsequent births will wind up being hospital births also.

I agree, but I tend to think that unassisted birth, especially in a first
isn't a great idea. A good midwife (or two) in attendance would be my
advice, if she wants them out of the way they can always wait in another
room and watch TV or read a book. Thats our plan for the second midwife
next time round (we've agreed one is a good idea after our experience with
Seoras), since I don't like the idea of anyone other than DH and our
midwife being present either.

Megan

Buzzy Bee wrote in message
news
On 10 May 2004 11:52:17 -0700, Larry McMahan
wrote:

Welches writes:

: Tthere's nothing "wrong" with wanting to do it all yourself, but I'm
not
: convinced that the first time is the best idea.

I don't know. I think it is more important to have a homebirth for
the *first* baby than for subsequent babies, because of the
unnaturally high c-section rate, ane the opportunity for OBs to do
other unnecessary interventions that will increase the liklihood that
subsequent births will wind up being hospital births also.

I agree, but I tend to think that unassisted birth, especially in a first
isn't a great idea. A good midwife (or two) in attendance would be my
advice, if she wants them out of the way they can always wait in another
room and watch TV or read a book. Thats our plan for the second midwife
next time round (we've agreed one is a good idea after our experience with
Seoras), since I don't like the idea of anyone other than DH and our
midwife being present either.

Yes, I wasn't commenting on home births at all. Just unassisted births. Very
different (to me!)
Debbie