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#11
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Halloween candy
Claire Petersky wrote:
Similarly, I don't think it's totally out of line for me to buy a small package of say, Scottish Shortbread, announce to the family that it was expressly purchased for my personal benefit I do this part of this. But I'm more direct and self-serving: "I bought this for me. It's mine. Lay off." (Okay, not those words.) Direct works at our house. and expect that there might be a piece of shortbread in the package at any one time. There is only one item, Luna bars, that I attempt to go this route with (say that it's "mine" but The Kid can have some, within reason). The inevitable result is always that my daughter will rifle through them until there is only one or two left of the flavors I like the least and she doesn't really care for. Then she will leave those "for me." In my experience, expecting it to be otherwise is a fruitless venture into self-aggravation. Personally, I pick which strategy I use based on how badly I want to be able to depend on something being there when I want it. If I wanted guaranteed access to my shortbread (for example), I'd do one of two things: I'd say "This is mine. Lay off." Or, if I was feeling more generous, I'd buy two packages and label them (or hide one!). "This package is mine. Lay off. This package is yours; you are welcome to it, but when it is gone, it's gone." I use the above practice especially with boxes of Girl Scout cookies, since I go through cookies so much slower than my husband and daughter. "These are your boxes." "This is my box. Keep out." I might choose to share some of my box, but no one is allowed to break into it independently of that. It works at my house. (Maybe it's because my family is terrified of me when I'm unexpectedly out of thin mints. ). Your mileage may vary, unfortunately. The main advantages to me and family: Expectations are fully known and can be easily met without much thought. Hope this helps. Good luck! beeswing |
#12
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Halloween candy
On 2005-11-01, animzmirot wrote:
With that said, I think anyone that buys halloween candy 3 weeks ahead of time and expects it to still be there is either from another planet or living in denial. If you have children, they're going to want to eat candy. I usually buy a couple of bags before the holiday to keep the kids happy. We routinely buy Halloween candy at the beginning of October, and the bags remain unopened until Oct 31---and these are candies that everyone in the house likes. My son is allowed one candy a day year round (with no limits on Halloween, Christmas, Easter, his birthday, and no limit on Hannukah gelt during Hannukah). Most days he doesn't bother to ask for his candy---I think we still have some of the less popular candies from last Halloween. Of course, we do hide the Halloween candy during October---not because anyone is looking for it, but because if it is out of sight no one will be unreasonably tempted. One common hiding place is the freezer. We often have food in the house that is intended for a single consumer, but generally such items have to be announced or labeled. Most of the common ones need no labeling (my wife is the only one who drinks coffee, I'm the only one who drinks tea, my son gets whole milk, I get skim milk, only my wife eats salsa with cilantro in it, ...). If there is a bar of chocolate being saved for a cake or something, everyone needs to be told. Utility items (bread, cheese, tortillas, rice, leftovers, ...) can be eaten by anyone at any time. It is considered polite to let someone know when we run out of something (or nearly do) so that it can be replenished. ------------------------------------------------------------ Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus Professor of Biomolecular Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics (Senior member, IEEE) (Board of Directors, ISCB) life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels) Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed) Affiliations for identification only. |
#13
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Halloween candy
In article ,
animzmirot wrote: I think a family member should not be so controlling as to hog an item for themselves and not share it. That doesn't seem to be what's going on here. Claire simply wants to be informed if someone used up her "special treats". I handle this by keeping my special treats in my office. I will share, if asked, but the kids aren't allowed to just take them as they can with other snacks in the house. That way, I know myself if we are running out. With that said, I think anyone that buys halloween candy 3 weeks ahead of time and expects it to still be there is either from another planet or living in denial. If you have children, they're going to want to eat candy. I guess I'm from another planet, or my kids are, because as much as they may *want* to eat candy, if I tell them the candies are for halloween, and they shouldn't touch them, they won't. They might beg, but they would *never* just take them. (As in the OP's case, DH might be a different story....) --Robyn .. |
#14
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Halloween candy
animzmirot wrote:
I think a family member should not be so controlling as to hog an item for themselves and not share it. Well, I sort of agree, and sort of disagree. I agree that if one person - especially the parent, who can make most of the food purchasing decisions - buys something that everyone likes a lot, but doesn't share it, then they are being rather selfish. OTOH, sometimes one persn really likes something, although others find it pleasant enough. In those circumstances it is less reasonable for other family members to eat it just because they fancied a snack, and it was the first thing they saw. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
#15
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Halloween candy
In article , Robyn Kozierok says...
In article , animzmirot wrote: I think a family member should not be so controlling as to hog an item for themselves and not share it. That doesn't seem to be what's going on here. Claire simply wants to be informed if someone used up her "special treats". I handle this by keeping my special treats in my office. I will share, if asked, but the kids aren't allowed to just take them as they can with other snacks in the house. That way, I know myself if we are running out. And what exactly is wrong with keeping some goodies to oneself anyway? What is being inappropriately controlled?? Unless little chocolate bars or favorite tea cookies will be going to their shrinks saying "I was purchased by a controlling household" Besides, thems that does the shopping, gets some benefits. (Thems that up and help with the shopping, can claim similar benefits!) With that said, I think anyone that buys halloween candy 3 weeks ahead of time and expects it to still be there is either from another planet or living in denial. If you have children, they're going to want to eat candy. I guess I'm from another planet, or my kids are, because as much as they may *want* to eat candy, if I tell them the candies are for halloween, and they shouldn't touch them, they won't. They might beg, but they would *never* just take them. (As in the OP's case, DH might be a different story....) There *is* no reason why that can't happen on this planet. 'cept for folks who don't like to do it dominating the group interaction sometimes. Banty |
#16
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Halloween candy
In article ,
Banty wrote: In article , Robyn Kozierok says... In article , animzmirot wrote: I think a family member should not be so controlling as to hog an item for themselves and not share it. That doesn't seem to be what's going on here. Claire simply wants to be informed if someone used up her "special treats". I handle this by keeping my special treats in my office. I will share, if asked, but the kids aren't allowed to just take them as they can with other snacks in the house. That way, I know myself if we are running out. And what exactly is wrong with keeping some goodies to oneself anyway? What is being inappropriately controlled?? Unless little chocolate bars or favorite tea cookies will be going to their shrinks saying "I was purchased by a controlling household" I think that what I'm reacting to when I hear about someone buying special treats for themselves is households where the parents get the good stuff, and eat it in front of the kids -- but won't let the kids have any. I know they are rare, but I've run into it, and find it pretty offensive. Heck, when I was a kid I can remember a couple of family gatherings where the grownups got steak off the grill -- and the kids got hot dogs. I don't mind eating hot dogs, but not while others are eating steak! My parents would never do that -- they might offer us a choice -- but these were events where someone else was providing the food, and we had better manners than to challenge the situation. Except for situations like a lunch room, I won't eat in front of other people without offering them some of whatever I'm eating, and that includes children. My parents taught us that rule -- on the other hand, I didn't know my mother liked lox until I was in my 20's. Apparently she craved them when she was pregnant -- but there was no way she could afford for US to find out we liked them, so she bought them and hid them behind the vegetables . . . Besides, thems that does the shopping, gets some benefits. (Thems that up and help with the shopping, can claim similar benefits!) With that said, I think anyone that buys halloween candy 3 weeks ahead of time and expects it to still be there is either from another planet or living in denial. If you have children, they're going to want to eat candy. I guess I'm from another planet, or my kids are, because as much as they may *want* to eat candy, if I tell them the candies are for halloween, and they shouldn't touch them, they won't. They might beg, but they would *never* just take them. (As in the OP's case, DH might be a different story....) There *is* no reason why that can't happen on this planet. 'cept for folks who don't like to do it dominating the group interaction sometimes. Banty -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#17
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Halloween candy
In article ,
dragonlady says... In article , Banty wrote: In article , Robyn Kozierok says... In article , animzmirot wrote: I think a family member should not be so controlling as to hog an item for themselves and not share it. That doesn't seem to be what's going on here. Claire simply wants to be informed if someone used up her "special treats". I handle this by keeping my special treats in my office. I will share, if asked, but the kids aren't allowed to just take them as they can with other snacks in the house. That way, I know myself if we are running out. And what exactly is wrong with keeping some goodies to oneself anyway? What is being inappropriately controlled?? Unless little chocolate bars or favorite tea cookies will be going to their shrinks saying "I was purchased by a controlling household" I think that what I'm reacting to when I hear about someone buying special treats for themselves is households where the parents get the good stuff, and eat it in front of the kids -- but won't let the kids have any. I know they are rare, but I've run into it, and find it pretty offensive. I don't think that's at all the same thing as what we're talking about. There is a long way from being the *only* people to eat the good stuff (and, from your descriptions, enjoying in front of everyone) to want to be able to partake in one's favorite foods hardly *at all*, and not want to see it has dissappeared because our attention had been turned to running a household an earning a living. Heck, when I was a kid I can remember a couple of family gatherings where the grownups got steak off the grill -- and the kids got hot dogs. I don't mind eating hot dogs, but not while others are eating steak! My parents would never do that -- they might offer us a choice -- but these were events where someone else was providing the food, and we had better manners than to challenge the situation. Are you sure it wasn't simply because the kids by and large preferred the hot dogs? Except for situations like a lunch room, I won't eat in front of other people without offering them some of whatever I'm eating, and that includes children. My parents taught us that rule -- on the other hand, I didn't know my mother liked lox until I was in my 20's. Apparently she craved them when she was pregnant -- but there was no way she could afford for US to find out we liked them, so she bought them and hid them behind the vegetables . . . Well, this is interesting. Would you say that your mother, in order not to be selfish, should have resolved that dilemma by self-denial? I think the situation being discussed, and I've run into it mostly in roomate situations (in my family of origin we *were* expected to keep hands off goodies without asking - truly, it can be done!) it does get to the point that one just gives up on doing or having anything special. I mean, really, does a virgin hand-baked three-teired fancily frosted cake HAVE to have written on it "Grandma and Grandpa's 50th Wedding Anniversary" in order for some impulsive lout not to chop a big square out of it in the middle of the afternoon 'cause he'd run out of microwave popcorn? That is an oppresive thing to have to live with, too. Because the net effect of that is that nice things don't happen as often. Like with your mother's lox. Banty |
#18
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Halloween candy
In article ,
Banty wrote: In article , dragonlady says... In article , Banty wrote: In article , Robyn Kozierok says... In article , animzmirot wrote: I think a family member should not be so controlling as to hog an item for themselves and not share it. That doesn't seem to be what's going on here. Claire simply wants to be informed if someone used up her "special treats". I handle this by keeping my special treats in my office. I will share, if asked, but the kids aren't allowed to just take them as they can with other snacks in the house. That way, I know myself if we are running out. And what exactly is wrong with keeping some goodies to oneself anyway? What is being inappropriately controlled?? Unless little chocolate bars or favorite tea cookies will be going to their shrinks saying "I was purchased by a controlling household" I think that what I'm reacting to when I hear about someone buying special treats for themselves is households where the parents get the good stuff, and eat it in front of the kids -- but won't let the kids have any. I know they are rare, but I've run into it, and find it pretty offensive. I don't think that's at all the same thing as what we're talking about. There is a long way from being the *only* people to eat the good stuff (and, from your descriptions, enjoying in front of everyone) to want to be able to partake in one's favorite foods hardly *at all*, and not want to see it has dissappeared because our attention had been turned to running a household an earning a living. I know; I was explaining why I think I react so strongly (over react, probably) to this sort of thing. Heck, when I was a kid I can remember a couple of family gatherings where the grownups got steak off the grill -- and the kids got hot dogs. I don't mind eating hot dogs, but not while others are eating steak! My parents would never do that -- they might offer us a choice -- but these were events where someone else was providing the food, and we had better manners than to challenge the situation. Are you sure it wasn't simply because the kids by and large preferred the hot dogs? I'm sure that's what they told themselves; however, I found ways (at other times) to make SURE my aunts and uncles knew how much I liked steak, but still was not offered steak at barbeques; that was only for the adults. Except for situations like a lunch room, I won't eat in front of other people without offering them some of whatever I'm eating, and that includes children. My parents taught us that rule -- on the other hand, I didn't know my mother liked lox until I was in my 20's. Apparently she craved them when she was pregnant -- but there was no way she could afford for US to find out we liked them, so she bought them and hid them behind the vegetables . . . Well, this is interesting. Would you say that your mother, in order not to be selfish, should have resolved that dilemma by self-denial? No -- actually, I think it's pretty funny that I'd never tasted lox until after I left home, and just assumed my mother didn't even know what they were, and that I would be able to introduce HER to them. I don't think it's necessary to forgo things like that, necessarily -- but I would have thought it unreasonable if she'd put them in plain sight, and told us that they were all for HER. As it was, what we didn't know didn't hurt us. (We were pretty poor -- I know now that there were a number of things she just never fed us, because she figured they couldn't afford for us to find out we liked, say, shrimp or lobster.) Similarly, I would think it unreasonable if we'd kept, say, coke in the house (DH used to have a serious addiction to the stuff) and told the kids that it was just for him. I think the situation being discussed, and I've run into it mostly in roomate situations (in my family of origin we *were* expected to keep hands off goodies without asking - truly, it can be done!) it does get to the point that one just gives up on doing or having anything special. I mean, really, does a virgin hand-baked three-teired fancily frosted cake HAVE to have written on it "Grandma and Grandpa's 50th Wedding Anniversary" in order for some impulsive lout not to chop a big square out of it in the middle of the afternoon 'cause he'd run out of microwave popcorn? That is an oppresive thing to have to live with, too. Because the net effect of that is that nice things don't happen as often. Like with your mother's lox. But would you expect the kids to put up with looking at said cake if they were NEVER going to be allowed to eat it? Once in a while, one of us will bake something special to take to work, or for some occassion outside the house. Most of the time, we try to bake extra so that the folks who live here won't have to not even taste it. -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#19
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Halloween candy
In article ,
dragonlady says... In article , Banty wrote: I don't think that's at all the same thing as what we're talking about. There is a long way from being the *only* people to eat the good stuff (and, from your descriptions, enjoying in front of everyone) to want to be able to partake in one's favorite foods hardly *at all*, and not want to see it has dissappeared because our attention had been turned to running a household an earning a living. I know; I was explaining why I think I react so strongly (over react, probably) to this sort of thing. I know. But what you say should happen, below, doesn't leave much outlet. Other than everything being offered in abundance. Or keeping private stashes. Which really is the only solution in a household that expects everyone gets everything anytime. If folks get jealous of private stashes, too, then one is left with what I did when it was my turn to run for supplies after the first pot-sticker incident: sit down and eat them before going back with the supplies I react because of frustration with non-family shared living situations where I'd have to stash in my room, and sometimes nice things couldn't happen. (And related things, like the dismal choice one gets between living in squalor or becoming housemaid.) Like, if I couln't bake just before taking the goodies to an event, I couldn't bake, 'cause the goodies would be gone by time I left. I've long thrown up my hands about it and deal with it, but I dont' think it's exactly a virtue to be promoted, that one thing they get what they want or they shoudln't even see it. Heck, when I was a kid I can remember a couple of family gatherings where the grownups got steak off the grill -- and the kids got hot dogs. I don't mind eating hot dogs, but not while others are eating steak! My parents would never do that -- they might offer us a choice -- but these were events where someone else was providing the food, and we had better manners than to challenge the situation. Are you sure it wasn't simply because the kids by and large preferred the hot dogs? I'm sure that's what they told themselves; however, I found ways (at other times) to make SURE my aunts and uncles knew how much I liked steak, but still was not offered steak at barbeques; that was only for the adults. But there's the possibility that they hadn't planned for steaks all around when the rest of the kids want some, just because you have it on *your* plate. Possibly, it would have been different if you were the only kid. You don't extend this to beer, do you? Except for situations like a lunch room, I won't eat in front of other people without offering them some of whatever I'm eating, and that includes children. My parents taught us that rule -- on the other hand, I didn't know my mother liked lox until I was in my 20's. Apparently she craved them when she was pregnant -- but there was no way she could afford for US to find out we liked them, so she bought them and hid them behind the vegetables . . . Well, this is interesting. Would you say that your mother, in order not to be selfish, should have resolved that dilemma by self-denial? No -- actually, I think it's pretty funny that I'd never tasted lox until after I left home, and just assumed my mother didn't even know what they were, and that I would be able to introduce HER to them. It is pretty funny. I don't think it's necessary to forgo things like that, necessarily -- but I would have thought it unreasonable if she'd put them in plain sight, and told us that they were all for HER. As it was, what we didn't know didn't hurt us. (We were pretty poor -- I know now that there were a number of things she just never fed us, because she figured they couldn't afford for us to find out we liked, say, shrimp or lobster.) Then that leaves the private stash option, but that's often a matter of how successful one is at keeping things secret. (Pot stickers don't stash well...) Similarly, I would think it unreasonable if we'd kept, say, coke in the house (DH used to have a serious addiction to the stuff) and told the kids that it was just for him. You're talking about Coca-cola, right ;-) So, what would you have DH do? In many households, he'd get two cases of coke. He'd enjoy two cans one evening. Then he'd be off at work, out for the evening, come home at 10 pm, reach in the fridge and - - no coke! So, is he to go shopping every day? What? Them's that hang around at home get the riches? Does that seem fair to you? So he's stuck with: 1. Bottomless coke budget and shopping time - not practical 2. Private stash - may work, but folks may get ****ed about that, too 3. No coke Many times in similar situations, #3 happens. Nobody gets cokes. Everyone loses. If people are reasonable and don't feel entitled, he can label one for himself, and it can stay there for him. I think the situation being discussed, and I've run into it mostly in roomate situations (in my family of origin we *were* expected to keep hands off goodies without asking - truly, it can be done!) it does get to the point that one just gives up on doing or having anything special. I mean, really, does a virgin hand-baked three-teired fancily frosted cake HAVE to have written on it "Grandma and Grandpa's 50th Wedding Anniversary" in order for some impulsive lout not to chop a big square out of it in the middle of the afternoon 'cause he'd run out of microwave popcorn? That is an oppresive thing to have to live with, too. Because the net effect of that is that nice things don't happen as often. Like with your mother's lox. But would you expect the kids to put up with looking at said cake if they were NEVER going to be allowed to eat it? SURE! Why NOT? What if it's a friend's anniversary, and the kids aren't invited? What's the principle behind this? That one should honor all the desires and jelousies around one, and everyone around one should get whatever is yummy that they see? Since you're a person who is very empathic I think, I can see that you might feel bad holding back. So - turn it around: do you think that *you* have the right to get some of whatever you like that you might see? Once in a while, one of us will bake something special to take to work, or for some occassion outside the house. Most of the time, we try to bake extra so that the folks who live here won't have to not even taste it. OK, so nothing gets baked unless there's double portions? Remember your mother's lox. You could have had some, if she could be sure you'd respect that it isn't usually for you! This all-sharing philosophy actually leads to loss. Banty |
#20
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Halloween candy
Banty wrote: In article , dragonlady says... Heck, when I was a kid I can remember a couple of family gatherings where the grownups got steak off the grill -- and the kids got hot dogs. I don't mind eating hot dogs, but not while others are eating steak! My parents would never do that -- they might offer us a choice -- but these were events where someone else was providing the food, and we had better manners than to challenge the situation. Are you sure it wasn't simply because the kids by and large preferred the hot dogs? I've done it when kids were very little (probably under 6) because the kids tend to waste a very good piece of expensive meat. Kids don't eat much in those types of situations IME. So you give them even a portion of a good steak (which most kids don't like anyway) and it goes to waste. Better to waste a cheap hot dog. I don't think it's something that should be done with an older kid who would genuinely prefer steak. I certainly wouldn't, say, offer lobster to the adults but expect my 13 yo son to eat fish sticks (he doesn't eat meat). I don't see anything wrong with offerin very small children a cheaper/more kid-friendly alternative in a group situation. I remember my sister, who wanted to have kids at her wedding but didn't want to pay $30 per plate for their dinners, offered young kids chicken nuggets -- which they all loved and preferred to her gourmet meal for adults. -Dawn |
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