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Helping tweens stand up to peers



 
 
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  #1  
Old April 25th 06, 04:40 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Helping tweens stand up to peers

I need some help from the POOKs out there...

We're blessed that Henry has an active, comfortable and healthy social
life. He has a good group of friends that contains some "regulars" and
then another element that seems to come and go. They hang out at each
other's homes (we make sure parents are there), go to movies on
weekends, maybe meet at Barnes and Noble in the coffee shop, etc. We
always know where he is and we usually know the parents of the kids he
is with. It's mostly a Good Thing (TM).

But...

Lately there have been a few occasions where Henry went along with
behavior against his better judgement. Usually this has involved him
tolerating behavior at our home (we can't be EVERYWHERE although we're
always home when he has friends over) that he knows we would not allow.
He doesn't join in, just doesn't stop the others.

When we talk to him about these incidents afterward, it's clear he
knows/knew the behavior was unwise or wrong but he hasn't seemed to
have found a confident or forceful enough voice to take charge.

Any thoughts on how we can help him and/or require him to be more
assertive on these issues? Things are going so well for him socially
(that hasn't always been the case) that we are hoping we don't have to
scale back on allowing him to have kids over, although he knows that is
an option.

Thanks in advance...

-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 13

  #2  
Old April 25th 06, 05:06 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Helping tweens stand up to peers

"Dawn" wrote:

I need some help from the POOKs out there...

We're blessed that Henry has an active, comfortable and healthy social
life. He has a good group of friends that contains some "regulars" and
then another element that seems to come and go. They hang out at each
other's homes (we make sure parents are there), go to movies on
weekends, maybe meet at Barnes and Noble in the coffee shop, etc. We
always know where he is and we usually know the parents of the kids he
is with. It's mostly a Good Thing (TM).

But...

Lately there have been a few occasions where Henry went along with
behavior against his better judgement. Usually this has involved him
tolerating behavior at our home (we can't be EVERYWHERE although we're
always home when he has friends over) that he knows we would not allow.
He doesn't join in, just doesn't stop the others.

When we talk to him about these incidents afterward, it's clear he
knows/knew the behavior was unwise or wrong but he hasn't seemed to
have found a confident or forceful enough voice to take charge.

Any thoughts on how we can help him and/or require him to be more
assertive on these issues? Things are going so well for him socially
(that hasn't always been the case) that we are hoping we don't have to
scale back on allowing him to have kids over, although he knows that is
an option.

Thanks in advance...

-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 13


I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just
a first thought but...

Perhaps Henry could alert you to the unwise or unwelcome behavior and
then you could 'discover' it and explain to his friends yourself that
you don't allow this behavior.



grandma Rosalie

  #3  
Old April 25th 06, 05:28 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Helping tweens stand up to peers

Rosalie B. wrote:
"Dawn" wrote:


I need some help from the POOKs out there...

We're blessed that Henry has an active, comfortable and healthy social
life. He has a good group of friends that contains some "regulars" and
then another element that seems to come and go. They hang out at each
other's homes (we make sure parents are there), go to movies on
weekends, maybe meet at Barnes and Noble in the coffee shop, etc. We
always know where he is and we usually know the parents of the kids he
is with. It's mostly a Good Thing (TM).

But...

Lately there have been a few occasions where Henry went along with
behavior against his better judgement. Usually this has involved him
tolerating behavior at our home (we can't be EVERYWHERE although we're
always home when he has friends over) that he knows we would not allow.
He doesn't join in, just doesn't stop the others.

When we talk to him about these incidents afterward, it's clear he
knows/knew the behavior was unwise or wrong but he hasn't seemed to
have found a confident or forceful enough voice to take charge.

Any thoughts on how we can help him and/or require him to be more
assertive on these issues? Things are going so well for him socially
(that hasn't always been the case) that we are hoping we don't have to
scale back on allowing him to have kids over, although he knows that is
an option.

Thanks in advance...

-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 13



I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just
a first thought but...

Perhaps Henry could alert you to the unwise or unwelcome behavior and
then you could 'discover' it and explain to his friends yourself that
you don't allow this behavior.


Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard. I'm sure Henry
still has vivid memories of being the new friendless kid, too.
You and he may be able to figure out when/how/where this
bad behavior is happening, so you can arrange to come in and
stop it, with appropriate sterness, explaining to the
perpetrators why it's unacceptable, and telling Henry in
front of his friends that if it keeps up, friends won't
be coming over for a while. That way, you are the
disciplinarian, and Henry can complain about his parent
to his peers, if he wants to.

The difficult part will be intercepting the bad behavior.
But it reads like you're in the house when it happens.
Maybe a code word/action between you and Henry is needed
here that means Mom get down here and discipline. Will
he lose face if he has to ask your permission for something?
It sounds like his friends are using your house to test
reactions.

Scott DD 12 and DS 10

  #4  
Old April 25th 06, 06:18 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Helping tweens stand up to peers


Scott L wrote:
Maybe a code word/action between you and Henry is needed
here that means Mom get down here and discipline. Will
he lose face if he has to ask your permission for something?


No, I don't think so. That's a good idea.

It sounds like his friends are using your house to test
reactions.


I don't think so. There are honestly huge cultural differences here
(we're on the Texas/Mexico border) regarding what kids are allowed to
do. Some kids who live part time in Mexico have cars and drive (in
Mexico) as young as 12. OTOH we have conservative parents who still
don't allow their 13 year old kids to go to movies without parents
along. It's a challenging place to parent :-0

Both my husband and I were raised (successfully, we think) with the
"you have my trust until you lose it" approach, and lots of freedom.
We're trying to mostly do that too, but to be honest, the risks are
different here and so we find ourselves stuck at times.

Thanks for the great ideas.

-Dawn

  #5  
Old April 25th 06, 06:19 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Helping tweens stand up to peers


Scott L wrote:
Rosalie B. wrote:
I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just
a first thought but...


Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard.


Absolutely -- but don't we need to coach our kids to some extent to
help them learn these skills so that they can stand up later, when the
stakes are higher and we're not nearby? I guess that's what I'm
looking for, too. In addition to the excellent practical idea of having
him signal that he needs us to intervene, how can we start helping him
learn how to be a little more assertive with his own values?

-Dawn

  #6  
Old April 25th 06, 08:03 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Helping tweens stand up to peers

"Dawn" wrote:


Scott L wrote:
Rosalie B. wrote:
I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just
a first thought but...


Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard.


Absolutely -- but don't we need to coach our kids to some extent to
help them learn these skills so that they can stand up later, when the
stakes are higher and we're not nearby? I guess that's what I'm
looking for, too. In addition to the excellent practical idea of having
him signal that he needs us to intervene, how can we start helping him
learn how to be a little more assertive with his own values?

I think this will come with time an maturity. Some ways to help it
along are what you are probably doing already - talk to him about it.
And when he knows that you are there to back him up, he may become
more able to do it himself without using the fall back plan of you
being the bad guy.
..


grandma Rosalie

  #7  
Old April 26th 06, 11:16 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Helping tweens stand up to peers

On Tue, 25 Apr 2006 13:18:41 EDT, "Dawn"
wrote:

Scott L wrote:
Maybe a code word/action between you and Henry is needed
here that means Mom get down here and discipline. Will
he lose face if he has to ask your permission for something?


No, I don't think so. That's a good idea.

It sounds like his friends are using your house to test
reactions.


I don't think so. There are honestly huge cultural differences here
(we're on the Texas/Mexico border) regarding what kids are allowed to
do. Some kids who live part time in Mexico have cars and drive (in
Mexico) as young as 12. OTOH we have conservative parents who still
don't allow their 13 year old kids to go to movies without parents
along. It's a challenging place to parent :-0

Both my husband and I were raised (successfully, we think) with the
"you have my trust until you lose it" approach, and lots of freedom.
We're trying to mostly do that too, but to be honest, the risks are
different here and so we find ourselves stuck at times.


I have been a counselor at the middle school level and I
wholeheartedly agree with those who have advised you to take over the
discipline. I often talked to kids who let me know that they were
uncomfortable with things that their friends were suggesting, but they
didn't know how to get out of it without looking like a dork in front
of their friends. I would tell them to blame their parents even if
their parents wouldn't be mad. Every child knows the horror of
grounding, for example, so saying that if your mom found out you'd be
grounded for a month and it just wasn't worth it what with how you'd
die without your friends was something the other kids would totally
understand. For those kids who said their parents wouldn't do that, I
told them their friends wouldn't know that so they could still blame
it on their parents. I have told my daughters (ages 8 and 10) that
they can blame anything that they don't want to do on me and I will
back them up. They can even tell their friends what a meanie I am
behind my back as long as they don't say it to my face. When it comes
to rules that I know my kids won't want to be party poopers about, I
tell the kids up front. They get a speech on what my rules are for
the car, the house, the mall, etc. when they do things with our
family. If they don't follow the rules, I call them on it. The one
time that my daughter's best friend encouraged her to break a
grounding, I told the friend that I really liked her and was glad she
was friends with my daughter, but that if she was a true friend, she
would be helping my daughter to stay out of trouble instead of helping
her to get into trouble and gave her the task of helping Anna stay on
track so she wouldn't have to be on grounding and away from her
friends even longer.

I think your son will appreciate it if you step up to be the bad guy
and let him get out of the peer pressure that way.

--
Paula
"Anyway, other people are weird, but sometimes they have candy,
so it's best to try to get along with them." Joe Bay

  #8  
Old April 27th 06, 02:52 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Helping tweens stand up to peers

On Tue, 25 Apr 2006 13:19:06 EDT, "Dawn"
wrote:


Scott L wrote:
Rosalie B. wrote:
I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just
a first thought but...


Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard.


Absolutely -- but don't we need to coach our kids to some extent to
help them learn these skills so that they can stand up later, when the
stakes are higher and we're not nearby? I guess that's what I'm
looking for, too. In addition to the excellent practical idea of having
him signal that he needs us to intervene, how can we start helping him
learn how to be a little more assertive with his own values?


Does he also have difficulty speaking up when it's not your rule that
his friends are pushing, but his property or his preferences? Like,
oh, what if he had a partly finished craft project lying around when
his friends came over to watch TV, and his friends started tinkering
with the craft project and wrecking it? Or the friends don't listen
to his ideas of what to do? What I remember from observing our kids
was that they were more receptive to our help with that kind of
trouble, complaining about the friend afterwards at the dinner table
and talking with us about different ways to say no, redirect the
friend, avoid the temptation by keeping the sculpture in their
bedrooms or whatever.

When it was a situation of "your friends are breaking our rules and
you aren't enforcing the rules", or other right/wrong issues like
friends using degrading language or hitting people, those discussions
were more prone to breaking down into defensiveness. Even now, when
our 21yo is home, there are sometimes issues like that with his
visiting friends, like the one who walks in to the house without
knocking and waiting to be admitted, or the ones who forget that sound
travels up the stairs late at night. Anyway, it's still sometimes
easier for me to speak to the friends directly than to remind our son
to do it.

Someone (I think it was you, but I'm not sure) wrote on m.k.m several
years ago about the sometimes-undervalued importance of having a
parent around home in the after-school time for middle-schoolers.
This kind of challenge is a good example - the parents who are around
with their ears open get a kind of heads-up before big problems
develop.

Louise
--
NewsGuy.Com 30Gb $9.95 Carry Forward and On Demand Bandwidth

  #9  
Old April 27th 06, 09:55 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
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Default Helping tweens stand up to peers

Dawn wrote:
Scott L wrote:
Rosalie B. wrote:
I think you are asking a lot to have him do it himself. This is just
a first thought but...


Agreed. To stand up to a peer is hard.


Absolutely -- but don't we need to coach our kids to some extent to
help them learn these skills so that they can stand up later, when the
stakes are higher and we're not nearby? I guess that's what I'm
looking for, too. In addition to the excellent practical idea of having
him signal that he needs us to intervene, how can we start helping him
learn how to be a little more assertive with his own values?

We're still a few years behind you so I may be totally off-base, but
IMHO, by stepping in to enforce the rules, you *are* helping him to
learn to be more assertive with his own values in two ways. First,
you're demonstrating for him how it is done. Second, and perhaps more
importantly, he'll learn that stopping the behavior didn't result in
him losing friends, being teased, etc. -- making him more comfortable
with the whole process.

Beyond that, there are always situations in which people *need* help.
You wouldn't want him to go it alone in breaking up a physical
altercation. You wouldn't want him to try to deal with severe bullying
without adult help. Same for a friend who was trying to get behind the
wheel of a car drunk. For your son, this may simply be one of those
situations where he needs adult assistance. Helping him to recognize
those situations, and ensuring he knows that even if you're not in the
next room, you are available to him, is just as important as helping
him to deal with other things on his own.

Barbara

 




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