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Need Other Opinions
I don't have alot of close friends anymore for good reasons, but I'm in a
spot and need some outside opinions on the matter. Approximately two years ago I started a job at a company where I had alot of one on one with my employer. I was married though not happily, with children. To shed some light on my situation, I met my husband when I was 19 or so during a really bad time in my life. We did drugs together, although this was something new to me - I lived very responsibly up until the time I met him. I got pregnant and had my first child. We moved in together with his mom and did so until my daughter was around three or four. He was verbally and physically abusive to me at times and I began to do drugs again. I was severly depressed and even suicidal. One day I decided I needed help and went into a woman's home and turned my life around. I left her dad and we moved in to an apartment and attended church. This was my life...my daughter, church. Well I was offered a job as the pastor's secretary and started when my daughter was around four. Approximately a year after I started the job, my daughters father tried to get back into our lives. I found myself giving in to him and one day, slept with him again. I ended up pregnant again and felt so bad because here I was the church secretary, unmarried and PREGNANT! I went to the pastor, expecting him to fire me, but he didnt' he extended grace and offered to counsel me and her father. Well needless to say we ended up getting married. So, begins the problem. We had been married over three years when I started this job. In the first few months alot of physical attraction occurred but nothing was acted upon. My boss showered me with compliments and always made me feel confident and good about myself. My husband on the other hand treated me as a roomate, we didn't sleep together, he worked nights and I days, we basically lived like roomates. I knew I was in a vulnerable place with my boss, but it felt so good. He was charming and I know now that charm is so deceptive.... so fleeting. Anyway, I think it's important you know everything to give me a proper perspective. I found myself looking forward to going to work. When my boss would come in sometimes, he would sit in a chair and just chit chat watching me work. We really opened up to each other and became friends. He once told me that when I worked at the church, he would sometimes go up to my office and sit at my desk and look at how I laid out my desk. My initial response was, a weird feeling, but then I was so attention starved that I was completely flattered that he took the time to think of me. I honestly got so infatuated with him that my life at home was miserable. I began smoking and got severely depressed although he never would have known. He would have been shocked to know that the happy cheerful person that would come into the office would sometimes cry myself to sleep and smoke a pack of cigarrettes when the kids went to bed. You have to know that he showered me with compliments and knew exactly what I needed. The funny thing is we started fooling around physically and making out like high-schoolers, but he never wanted to sleep with me, I really wanted to... But he wouldn't have it. This was all during the summer and for months we carried on like this, sometimes he would close the office sometimes three times or more a week and he would take me shopping or to the beach. We had restaurants that we frequented - well you get the picture. This went on for months and I knew he dated people and because I was married I didn't care, besides we were just having fun - right? Well after a while, we began having sex, not often, but we did. During this time, he would often say things to me that insinuated that he would welcome a future with me. Keep in mind our whole relationship is a closet thing... No one at the church could know what was going on and my husband didnt' attend church so I WAS A SECRET. I stopped attending church for about 6-7 months because I couldnt handle the guilt... It was during this time about a year after I started that I began to feel that I didnt want to be his side thing. I felt used and here at his convenience, so I voiced it to him that if he wanted to sleep with me I wasn't okay with him going out with other people. Well I then found out by accident that he actually had a girlfriend. They had been together a year or so and she attended church with us. I was shocked, but i felt I had no right since I was married, but i felt he knew it going into it.. To me he wasn't honest about his other relationship. And he was living a double life being a leader in the church and sleeping with me. I had since this time confessed everything to my husband and decided that I wanted a divorce.. My boss had constantly been saying that for us to be together I knew what I needed to do, although I don't think he actually thought I would do it. I moved out about a year and a half after all this began. But I basically told him where I stood and gave him the ultimatum of ending what we had if he continued to see this girl. Now almost two years since this all began, we have entered a committed relationship, I'm divorced, and we're together. We have been having problems recently and both of us have trust issues, as you can imagine. I've met his family and always attend things that he wants me to attend, etc. He on the other hand won't attend my family functions although he spends time with my kids and so on.... Here is my problem... I feel like he's with me out of guilt, I don't think he actually thought I would leave my husband. Maybe now feels obligated to me??? I on the other hand fell deeply in love with him and although he says he loves me - Not in about three months, He no longer shows me any affection and is almost night and day from a year ago. I know things change, but when I talk to him now, theres no tenderness in his voice and I almost feel as if I'm bothering him. Other than this he still makes time to get together, he wants me with him at his family functions and honestly everything I've asked of him, he's done. I feel that he loves me sometimes, but lately I feel as if I left one situation only to walk into the same thing, only now, he's not the father of my children and he's fifteen year's older than me, so he's not as patient with my shortcomings, etc. Can anyone offer some opinions? He used to always call me to check on me, now I'm lucky to get a phone call... What's going on? |
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