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Runaway teenagers
Hi All
I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country towns and have lack of services and support by way of family. this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers. my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a abusive boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just recently been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the family she chose to run away too. wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult. would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation and how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told she is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases. I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least get some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more happening to her Thanks Chloe |
#2
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"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message ... Hi All I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country towns and have lack of services and support by way of family. this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers. my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a abusive boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just recently been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the family she chose to run away too. wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult. would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation and how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told she is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases. I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least get some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more happening to her Thanks Chloe What avenues have you exhausted? T |
#3
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Hi Tiffany
I have tried Police magistrates lifeline mental health sexual assault counsellors school counsellors psychiatrists psychologists social worker family where she lives parents of some of the other kids who are in her group dept community services family link friends hospitals PCYC my other kids Accessline the church to name a few have been trying since the 14th July this year when she ran away Got any other suggestions? Any appreciated Chloe "Tiffany" wrote in message ... "Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message ... Hi All I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country towns and have lack of services and support by way of family. this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers. my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a abusive boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just recently been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the family she chose to run away too. wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult. would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation and how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told she is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases. I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least get some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more happening to her Thanks Chloe What avenues have you exhausted? T |
#4
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"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message
... Hi All I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country towns and have lack of services and support by way of family. this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers. my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a abusive boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just recently been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the family she chose to run away too. wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult. would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation and how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told she is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases. I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least get some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more happening to her Please don't take this the wrong way as it's not intended as any form of criticism. What I am trying to do it clarify the situation a little, at least in my mind. So, my question is simply why someone would run away from a loving home into a situation such as this, which is bad and shows every sign of getting worse, but still be unwilling to return home or indeed have any contact with her mother? Something must have triggered the initial running away and until you know what that is I reckon you're working in the dark. What's keeping her away is, perhaps, easier to work out but I still think that initial cause it the crucial one. -- Paul Griffiths |
#5
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On Sat, 11 Sep 2004 11:52:13 GMT, "Ms Louise Clayton"
wrote: Hi All I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country towns and have lack of services and support by way of family. this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers. my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a abusive boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just recently been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the family she chose to run away too. wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult. would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation and how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told she is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases. I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least get some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more happening to her Thanks Chloe Hi Chloe. I have two daughters, 19 & nearly 17. I'm enormously fortunate in that they are both doing well at this point. However. When my nearly 17 year old was barely 13, before going through puberty, she was abducted and raped in handcuffs at knifepoint for most of a school day. The rapist knew what he was doing and timed this so that she'd come home at the usual time, and he told her if she revealed what had happened, he would hunt her down and kill her. She believed him and told nobody for almost exactly a year. We have since had considerable confirmation, both by events during that year that later made sense, and by mental health professionals who have dealt with her, that the event she has disclosed exactly fits the symptoms she showed later. During that first year, when she hadn't told us what was wrong, she literally changed overnight. She too had a loving family, and she had always been a sweet, youngish-for-her-age, eager to please, loving kid. Suddenly, she was completely over the top. She would be affectionate one minute, almost dependent, then with no intervening interaction, she would suddenly be raging, breaking things, and yes, running away. This went on for some months. I was luckier than you, because of her age. When she made a serious effort to run away, I knew where she'd gone, and I went there. She was at the home of a friend, whose own mother had alcoholism and considerable other dysfunction. The mother didn't want me to have anything to do with my child. I convinced the mother to let me into the house, and my daughter told me, in no kinds of words I'd use here, that she was not coming with me and I was invited to leave. I remember looking at my daughter and saying, "OK, fine, I can't make you come with me. But I'm not leaving without you." Whereupon I crossed my legs and sat down on the floor where I'd stood. There were nine cats in that house and I'm severely allergic to cats, but I guess I had a lot of adrenaline in my system because I sat there for about five hours before she finally gave up and came. The mother kept trying to get me to leave and I kept inviting her to call the police and have me removed. I was very low key and quiet, but I was absolutely immovable. I barely got away with stunts like that because she was 13, rather than 16, and even at 13 there was very little recognition by any authorities that I had some parental rights remaining. On one occasion when she ran I was told that by 14, runaways are never picked up. Like you, I had little to no support from any of the systems that are supposed to help. Eventually she made a near lethal suicide attempt. I was told that she might have liver damage, she might have kidney damage, she might have seizures, and she might die. I only knew she'd done it because the same friend called her in the middle of the night, and when I refused to let her answer the phone at that hour the friend told me what she'd done. Obviously I rushed her to hospital, where she was admitted to intensive care to have her stomach pumped all night. During that year, she also kicked in doors, got kicked out of one school, and had rages far, far too numerous to count. It was only after disclosure that her healing began. I'm happy to report that now, at nearly 17, she's doing very well. She's in school, she's got a part time job, she's got friends and she's a good kid. She continues to have 'issues', but she's on the right path. She recently spent the summer in hospital for treatment of an eating disorder, which seems to be responding well to her active decision to heal on that front as well. I haven't seen a physical rage in a couple of years now, and even verbally, her anger is far less extreme and much, much less often triggered. OK, this post is already way too long, but I wanted to give you a sense of why I say what I'm about to say. You need to know what has triggered your daughter's anger. Unless she has a long history of acting out, you need to be thinking in terms of events and catastrophes that may have occurred, however unlikely. I'm sure you've asked, but sometimes it's very hard to ask when you're being so thoroughly rejected, and sometimes it's hard to hear the answer. Sometimes, too, you can't get an answer, or even work in the question. For that situation, consider writing her a letter. Let her know that NOTHING she tells you is going to cause rejection, and then be sure it's true. Another thing that could be going on, besides some kind of triggering event, is, of course, mental illness. Some kinds have a pubertal onset. Think about things like bipolar and learn about them, and see if she fits any of those profiles. Be careful with something called 'borderline personality' because that one's strongly associated with trauma, and if you see yourself nodding your head there, you might need to go back to triggering event. Another possibility is drugs. But what you need to be doing is thinking back to the *first* symptoms...because drugs and mental illness can both follow on the heels of a trauma. So can promiscuity. I have obvious biases because of my own situation, but I do find myself wondering if your daughter might have had an experience like mine did. One reason I'm wondering is that girls who are sexually assaulted are often (but not always) more vulnerable to subsequent sexual assaults, and your daughter does seem to have had repeat events. OK, finally, and I can't say this strongly enough, ***get support*** for yourself. Your own fear and anger and pain are real and you deserve support. If you've got an employee plan, use it. If you can get an agency to give *you* support, grab it. I've not experienced anything quite like the agony of watching your child self destruct, and I can tell you that you need and deserve all the help you can get for your own survival. You'll be no good to her or to your other kids if you don't have a safe place to vent. Also, talking through her behaviours with an impartial adult might help to pinpoint what's going on. And take heart. They can and do recover. They can and do heal, from whatever it is that's hurting them. Mine is, yours can. There's always hope, and sometimes it's all there is. Hang on to that. If I can be any help, please let me know. Cele |
#6
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"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message ...
Hi Tiffany I have tried Police magistrates lifeline mental health sexual assault counsellors school counsellors psychiatrists psychologists social worker family where she lives parents of some of the other kids who are in her group dept community services family link friends hospitals PCYC my other kids Accessline the church to name a few have been trying since the 14th July this year when she ran away Got any other suggestions? Any appreciated Chloe I don't have a runaway teenager. I remember a girl in high school who ran away. Actually, I remember two. And, a girl my daughter's age moved in with her boyfriend (an older guy) at 16. It seems that these girls are grown up... they've chosen to grow up fast. And, the parents have run out of options to keep their kids at home. I think it's futile to try and go back to what could have or should have been. These kids look at their parents differently now... like adult to adult. Later, after some time had passed and they tested the waters again, these kids sought out their parents affection when they knew their parents accepted the situation and would not try to change anything. It sure seems like you've been through the wringer. Perhaps, it's time to find another approach to resume or begin that relationship with your daughter. Probably accept her with him as being part of her life. She may want to dump him then! But, please don't take my advice because I would hate to see it be the wrong thing. Just an idea if you haven't thought of it before. Karen |
#7
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Just to throw something out there.... I ran away when I was 15 for a month
or so. The reason...... to be with a guy. I actually played things pretty safely and no harm came my way. T "Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message ... Hi Tiffany I have tried Police magistrates lifeline mental health sexual assault counsellors school counsellors psychiatrists psychologists social worker family where she lives parents of some of the other kids who are in her group dept community services family link friends hospitals PCYC my other kids Accessline the church to name a few have been trying since the 14th July this year when she ran away Got any other suggestions? Any appreciated Chloe "Tiffany" wrote in message ... "Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message ... Hi All I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country towns and have lack of services and support by way of family. this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers. my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a abusive boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just recently been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the family she chose to run away too. wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult. would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation and how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told she is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases. I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least get some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more happening to her Thanks Chloe What avenues have you exhausted? T |
#8
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"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message ... Hi All thanks Tiffany, Paul and Cele. Cele especially that was a response I needed. someone who has been thru it even thou yours was more horrific a rape than I can assume my daughters was. Not degrading my daughters one of course. You ask the reason why she left the loving home and I have racked my brains and the only thing apart from the boyfriend who as I think I said is Asian and Middle eastern mixture. Is this important, to mention he is Asian? snipped Aside from that, all I can really say is that this is some very serious stuff. Obviously your child have been raised surrounding some very serious issues. How old is your daughter again? It doesn't sound like the core of her running away is to be with the boyfriend, she could stay home and be with him. Maybe she is trying to find a more normal life elsewhere. It seems to me to much damage is already been done. Everyone needs to see therapists immediately. If all your attempts to get her back home have failed, maybe you should give her some space. Tell her you love her and will always be waiting for her to come back home. Then wait. While waiting, see therapists. We all wish we can prevent our children from making mistakes, but we can't. The child has already suffered more then most do in a lifetime. I would run away too. T |
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