I think my child might be a hacker!

Gactimus wrote:
As an enlightened, modern parent, I try to be as involved as possible in
the lives of my six children. I encourage them to join team sports. I
attend their teen parties with them to ensure no drinking or alcohol is on
the premises. I keep a fatherly eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows
they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say
I'm a model parent. My children have never failed to make me proud, and I
can say without the slightest embellishment that I have the finest family
in the USA.

Two years ago, my wife Carol and I decided that our children's education
would not be complete without some grounding in modern computers. To this
end, we bought our children a brand new Compaq to learn with. The kids had
a lot of fun using the handful of application programs we'd bought, such as
Adobe's Photoshop and Microsoft's Word, and my wife and I were pleased that
our gift was received so well. Our son Peter was most entranced by the
device, and became quite a pro at surfing the net. When Peter began to
spend whole days on the machine, I became concerned, but Carol advised me
to calm down, and that it was only a passing phase. I was content to bow to
her experience as a mother, until our youngest daughter, Cindy, charged
into the living room one night to blurt out: "Peter is a computer hacker!"

As you can imagine, I was amazed. A computer hacker in my own house! I
began to monitor my son's habits, to make certain that Cindy wasn't just
telling stories, as she is prone to doing at times.

After a few days of investigation, and some research into computer hacking,
I confronted Peter with the evidence. I'm afraid to say, this was the only
time I have ever been truly disappointed in one of my children. We raised
them to be honest and to have integrity, and Peter betrayed the principles
we tried to encourage in him, when he refused point blank to admit to his
activities. His denials continued for hours, and in the end, I was left
with no choice but to ban him from using the computer until he is old
enough to be responsible for his actions.

After going through this ordeal with my own family, I was left pondering
how I could best help others in similar situations. I'd gained a lot of
knowledge over those few days regarding hackers. It's only right that I
provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be
able to tell if their children are being drawn into the world of hacking.
Perhaps other parents will be able to steer their sons back onto the
straight and narrow before extreme measures need to be employed.

To this end, I have decided to publish the top ten signs that your son is a
hacker. I advise any parents to read this list carefully and if their son
matches the profile, they should take action. A smart parent will first try
to reason with their son, before resorting to groundings, or even spanking.
I pride myself that I have never had to spank a child, and I hope this
guide will help other parents to put a halt to their son's misbehaviour
before a spanking becomes necessary.

1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?

Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service
Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict "No Hacking" policy,
and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is
enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is becoming a
hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker
friendly provider.

I would advise all parents to refuse this request. One of the reasons your
son is interested in switching providers is to get away from AOL's child
safety filter. This filter is vital to any parent who wants his son to
enjoy the internet without the endangering him through exposure to "adult"
content. It is best to stick with the protection AOL provides, rather than
using a home-based solution. If your son is becoming a hacker, he will be
able to circumvent any home-based measures with surprising ease, using
information gleaned from various hacker sites.

2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember
installing?

Your son will probably try to install some hacker software. He may attempt
to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually
find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under
"Install/Remove Programs" in your control panel. Popular hacker software
includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".

The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to
remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software
again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine
offers to "download" one of the hacker applications. If this happens, it is
time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing
him with a grounding.

3. Has your child asked for new hardware?

Computer hackers are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They
may request "faster" video cards, and larger hard drives, or even more
memory. If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he
has a legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal,
trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer's
manufacturer.

If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD",
this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who
make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use
child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they
deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers,
such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. AMD chips are never sold in stores,
and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet
sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your
son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.

4. Does your child read hacking manuals?

If you pay close attention to your son's reading habits, as I do, you will
be able to determine a great deal about his opinions and hobbies. Children
are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has
had a seventeen year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing
make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences
can have on inexperienced minds.

There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops
today. A few titles to be on the lookout for a "Snow Crash" and
"Cryptonomicon" by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson;
"Programming with Perl" by Timothy O'Reilly; "Geeks" by Jon Katz; "The
Hacker Crackdown" by Bruce Sterling; "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland;
"Hackers" by Steven Levy; and "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" by Eric S.
Raymond.

If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child's possession,
confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to
remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance
at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.

5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?

If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he
may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access
to the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up
vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours. If your son is
doing this, he is breaking the law, and you should stop him immediately.
The safest policy is to limit your children's access to the computer to a
maximum of forty-five minutes each day.

6. Does your son use Quake?

Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting
place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use
of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the
use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and
at school.

If your son is using Quake, you should make him understand that this is not
acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are
carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also
bring your concerns to the attention of his school.

7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?

As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become
disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his
actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This
will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he
disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language.
He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.

Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk
about this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem,
and that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has
the problem, and you should "back off" and "stop smothering him." Do not
allow yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even
if he doesn't understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through
to him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.

8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?

BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker
operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos
Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program
called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These
programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems
to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's
stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a
notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as
"telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet
without using a telephone.

Your son may try to install "lunix" on your hard drive. If he is careful,
you may not notice its presence, however, lunix is a capricious beast, and
if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break
it completely by deleting Windows, at which point you will have to have
your computer repaired by a professional.

If you see the word "LILO" during your windows startup (just after you turn
the machine on), your son has installed lunix. In order to get rid of it,
you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them
fit a new hard drive. Lunix is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be
removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.

9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?

If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may
have a hacker on your hands. Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo
colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair
dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying
"glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea
why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your
son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's
group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think
about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.

10. Is your son struggling academically?

If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports
teams, he may be involved in a hacking group, such as the infamous "Otaku"
hacker association. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating
with his fellow hackers may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain,
from the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip
dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and
Chemistry. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause
schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the
reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start
gaining weight. For the sake of your child's mental and physical health,
you must put a stop to his hacking, and limit his computer time
drastically.

I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child's
future may depend upon it. Hacking is an illegal and dangerous activity,
that may land your child in prison, and tear your family apart. It cannot
be taken too seriously.

Nice joke - almost had me going for the first few paragraphs.

/dan

Stormlady wrote:

Ok, so it's supposed to be humor, it not funny.

But why post it to a group about breastfeeding?**If*we*are*breastfeeding
our children still, then we are not too concerned about them being
computer hackers yet.**Rhiannon*can*hardly*hold*her*rattle*yet,*let *alone
use*a computer.**She*does*like*to*look*at*the*screensave r*though.*:-)

Um, doesn't the expression NAK mean anything to you? All my kids were
at the keyboard before they could hold a rattle: I don't think they could
actually do anything other then destroy Mummy's newsgroup postings but...

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

Actually the expression NAK doesn't mean a thing to me. What does it mean?

"Penny Gaines" wrote in message
...
Stormlady wrote:

Ok, so it's supposed to be humor, it not funny.

But why post it to a group about breastfeeding? If we are breastfeeding
our children still, then we are not too concerned about them being
computer hackers yet. Rhiannon can hardly hold her rattle yet, let alone
use a computer. She does like to look at the screensaver though. :-)

Um, doesn't the expression NAK mean anything to you? All my kids were
at the keyboard before they could hold a rattle: I don't think they could
actually do anything other then destroy Mummy's newsgroup postings but...

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

"Stormlady" don't@ email.me wrote in
:

Actually the expression NAK doesn't mean a thing to me.
What does it mean?

Nursing At Keyboard. what else does one do while nursing...
well, besides sleep or read?

"Penny Gaines" wrote in message
...
Stormlady wrote:

Ok, so it's supposed to be humor, it not funny.

But why post it to a group about breastfeeding? If we
are breastfeeding our children still, then we are not
too concerned about them being computer hackers yet.
Rhiannon can hardly hold her rattle yet, let alone
use a computer. She does like to look at the screensaver
though. :-)

um, maybe not. i'm still nursing a 4.5 year old. he's quite
good at using a computer. i just wish there were more kid
games for Linux...
lee

Stormlady wrote:

Actually the expression NAK doesn't mean a thing to me. What does it
mean?

"Penny Gaines" wrote in message
[snip]
Um, doesn't the expression NAK mean anything to you? All my kids were
at the keyboard before they could hold a rattle: I don't think they could
actually do anything other then destroy Mummy's newsgroup postings but...

NAK means Nursing At Keyboard.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three