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Recognizing Good Dads



 
 
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  #1  
Old May 29th 04, 03:13 AM
Gini52
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Default Recognizing Good Dads

I wanted to start this thread because of the experiences of some posters whose
dads or NCPs were/are not nurturers. My dad was of the same mindset and now
aging with terminal illness, has a lot of regrets. Now, he tells us all the time
that he loves us. He didn't do that when we were kids. His role was discipline
and income (which was basically the same role my mother had--not much nurturing
on either side there). Anyway, over the past few years I have seen a lot of dads
in very different roles.
My husband has been the primary caregiver of our two young sons since my
"accident" in 1998--Primary in the sense of about 60/40. After my divorce from
my first husband, I lived in a 4 unit apt. building in which there were two
custodial dads. These dads' NCP moms had no contact with and provided no child
support to the CP dads. Both dads were very nurturing and did an excellent job
with those kids each realizing that they had to compensate for detached mothers.
One worked two jobs by necessity and relied heavily on neighbors to keep an eye
on his kids. They were well-behaved so that wasn't a problem. Even though he was
quite young he had *no* social life by choice.
My first husband was a nurturer in his own way. He loved his boys and still
does. He didn't parent exactly the way I did but he had that right as the boys
were just as much his as mine. I think sometimes mothers demand that fathers
parent by a set of rules provided by her (as in Bob's perception of how some
mothers drive dads away from parenting by being too critical). I was an "eat
your dinner or you can't have dessert" type mom and my ex was a "don't eat too
much or you won't have room for dessert" kinda dad. I had to do a lot of
tongue-biting. This is called balancing or compensating for each other's
parenting flaws. My flaw was over-protecting. His flaw was allowing them to get
too close to the edge before pulling them back. Yet, it has been clear that his
boys were the most important people in his life--they still are. We adopted our
first son and I became pregnant soon after. Those boys are 18 months apart and
now in their mid twenties are still inseparable. Anyway, our adopted son's then
18 yr. old bio dad struggled terribly when the baby was born and the mother
decided to place him in an adoptive home. We did not know the dad at the time (I
did locate him when my son was about 13), but the caseworker told us of his
torment of realizing adoption was the best thing to do for the child. Although
their reunion has been something of a rollercoaster ride, his bio dad has been
in frequent and continuing contact since. He was one very grateful dad when we
located him after all those years. He never expected to see his child again. My
son's bio dad took him to meet his bio mom during one visit (against my wishes).
She seemed happy to see him and said she would keep in touch but he never heard
from her again. That was my fear for him.
I have one more story to tell. I was recently in the outpatient waiting room at
a children's hospital and there was a dad there with his terminally ill son.
That dad spent his entire waiting time conversing with the waiting moms about
his son's medicines and care. It was clear this dad was the primary caregiver. I
do not know whether he was single but he sure was the main player in the boy's
life and that little boy (a toddler) was very well cared for. So, while we hear
about some loser and semi-loser dads around here, I wanted to recognize that
dad's role has evolved significantly over the last decades and as a group, they
are much more involved in their childrens' lives--at school functions and
meetings as well as sporting events and doctor's offices and they deserve every
bit of credit for their role as nurturers to their children. Bad or indifferent
dads are the exception as are bad moms and there is absolutely no reason for
denying 50/50 physical custody with the exceptions recognized--I can't help
wondering how many of those "bad dads" would be good dads if they had been given
that right/responsibility from the start. Denying fathers the right to raise
their children also denys their children the right to their father's nurturing.

(PLEASE NOTE: I never bottom-sign my posts.
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  #2  
Old May 29th 04, 04:22 AM
The DaveŠ
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Default Recognizing Good Dads

Gini52 wrote:
I wanted to start this thread because of the experiences of some
posters whose dads or NCPs were/are not nurturers.


snipped for brevity purposes


Excellent post. Thank you. The positive side does need to be
stressed, also.

--
Whose cruel idea was it to put an 's' in the word lisp?
  #3  
Old May 29th 04, 04:22 AM
The DaveŠ
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Recognizing Good Dads

Gini52 wrote:
I wanted to start this thread because of the experiences of some
posters whose dads or NCPs were/are not nurturers.


snipped for brevity purposes


Excellent post. Thank you. The positive side does need to be
stressed, also.

--
Whose cruel idea was it to put an 's' in the word lisp?
  #4  
Old May 29th 04, 04:22 AM
The DaveŠ
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Recognizing Good Dads

Gini52 wrote:
I wanted to start this thread because of the experiences of some
posters whose dads or NCPs were/are not nurturers.


snipped for brevity purposes


Excellent post. Thank you. The positive side does need to be
stressed, also.

--
Whose cruel idea was it to put an 's' in the word lisp?
  #5  
Old May 29th 04, 05:05 AM
agrich
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Posts: n/a
Default Recognizing Good Dads


I can't help
wondering how many of those "bad dads" would be good dads if they had been

given
that right/responsibility from the start. Denying fathers the right to

raise
their children also denys their children the right to their father's

nurturing.


Beautiful post.


  #6  
Old May 29th 04, 05:05 AM
agrich
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Recognizing Good Dads


I can't help
wondering how many of those "bad dads" would be good dads if they had been

given
that right/responsibility from the start. Denying fathers the right to

raise
their children also denys their children the right to their father's

nurturing.


Beautiful post.


  #7  
Old May 29th 04, 05:05 AM
agrich
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Recognizing Good Dads


I can't help
wondering how many of those "bad dads" would be good dads if they had been

given
that right/responsibility from the start. Denying fathers the right to

raise
their children also denys their children the right to their father's

nurturing.


Beautiful post.


  #8  
Old May 29th 04, 06:58 AM
Werebat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Recognizing Good Dads

Gini52 wrote:

I wanted to start this thread because of the experiences of some posters whose
dads or NCPs were/are not nurturers.


Snip

Thanks, Gini. You brought a tear to my eye.

- Ron ^*^
  #9  
Old May 29th 04, 06:58 AM
Werebat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Recognizing Good Dads

Gini52 wrote:

I wanted to start this thread because of the experiences of some posters whose
dads or NCPs were/are not nurturers.


Snip

Thanks, Gini. You brought a tear to my eye.

- Ron ^*^
  #10  
Old May 29th 04, 06:58 AM
Werebat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Recognizing Good Dads

Gini52 wrote:

I wanted to start this thread because of the experiences of some posters whose
dads or NCPs were/are not nurturers.


Snip

Thanks, Gini. You brought a tear to my eye.

- Ron ^*^
 




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