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empathy in parenting
I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have
everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing, but in life there are responsibilities and limits. "Calla" wrote in message om... I just wanted to share that I have started purposely being empathetic with my daughter (5yo) every time she gets upset or angry. The upset/anger is often caused by my not letting her do something she wants to do, or asking her do something she doesn't want to do. In those situations, it is a complete turnaround for me to behave empathetically in response to her anger or crying. I did not know that was something I should do. By empathy, I mean that I have been saying things like, "I'm so sorry", "I can see you are really angry", "I can see that really hurts", "this is sad," etc. I have been so surprised at her response. She is genuinely comforted by those words. The empathy diffuses her anger/crying and eventualy she asks me to tell her a joke to make her feel better. I got to this 'empathy' idea from hearing about "Love and Logic" and reading all of the materials posted on http://www.loveandlogic.com/Pages/0400articles.html I don't think "Love and Logic" is the be-all end-all parenting technique, but just using a few of their ideas has given me some great tools and shown me the power of empathy. Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as well. |
#2
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empathy in parenting
Calla wrote:
Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as well. I don't know that empathy is the specific focal point, but it sounds like the approach outlined in Positive Parenting from A-Z. -- iphigenia www.tristyn.net "i have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. i do not think that they will sing to me." |
#3
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empathy in parenting
M.E. Mitchell wrote:
I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing, but in life there are responsibilities and limits. ----------------------------- That's a bad philosophy. Kids should be told they CAN and SHOULD obtain their dream, just not from you, or not from abuse of others. Dreams are supposed to come true. Steve "Calla" wrote in message om... I just wanted to share that I have started purposely being empathetic with my daughter (5yo) every time she gets upset or angry. The upset/anger is often caused by my not letting her do something she wants to do, or asking her do something she doesn't want to do. In those situations, it is a complete turnaround for me to behave empathetically in response to her anger or crying. I did not know that was something I should do. By empathy, I mean that I have been saying things like, "I'm so sorry", "I can see you are really angry", "I can see that really hurts", "this is sad," etc. I have been so surprised at her response. She is genuinely comforted by those words. The empathy diffuses her anger/crying and eventualy she asks me to tell her a joke to make her feel better. I got to this 'empathy' idea from hearing about "Love and Logic" and reading all of the materials posted on http://www.loveandlogic.com/Pages/0400articles.html I don't think "Love and Logic" is the be-all end-all parenting technique, but just using a few of their ideas has given me some great tools and shown me the power of empathy. Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as well. |
#4
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empathy in parenting
"iphigenia" wrote in message ...
Calla wrote: Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as well. I don't know that empathy is the specific focal point, but it sounds like the approach outlined in Positive Parenting from A-Z. The progenitor of all these books is Tom Gordon's (he passed away earlier this year) book, Parent Effectiveness Training (PET). Tom did at the beginning what others should be doing now: he made it simple. Very. Others appeared to take off on his work and complicate the issues. My own training in PET in 76 brought these characteristics of children, specifically, and humans in general into clearer focus: We humans organize as packs (that's why dogs and not bobcats and lynx are "man's best friend") and we crave and need validation from each other to feel whole and complete. Active Listening...the language of empathy...does that as nothing else can. It is the ultimate acceptance of each other put into words. Demonstrated, if you will; When we are in stress our pain threshold drops, or emotional temperature goes up, and our reasoning capacity is offset by our survival hormones kicking in; A word or two of empathy, as the orginator of the thread mentions doing, can eleviate all those temporary disabling reactions; In response to another poster, that expresses a desire to introduce the child to the real world and its limits, Tom offers another excellent tool: The I Message. A way to speak to another when we have a problem with them that minimizes resistance and defensiveness and optimizes keeping the relationship while solving the problem. He even included some problem solving methods as I recall. And finally, I believe he intended to point out that many of our problems with each other are values issues. I believe one thing, you believe something quite different. ... but if we have a non-blameful way of confrontation, and a supportive empathetic way of expressing, we have a much better chance of each having out beliefs honored, and a way to find solutions that do not compromise either. Go back to the root. Read PET. In fact you can find Tom Gordon's website (how he came to PET is a story in itself....he was a USA flight instructor, of all things). http://www.thomasgordon.com/ And no, I no longer do PET training, nor do I profit from pointing you to this site, other than the satisfaction that some will learn and children and parents will have a more joyful and effective relationship. My kids are in their forties and I believe the decent well rounded people they are is very much a product of my learning about and parenting with PET. Best, Kane |
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empathy in parenting
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#6
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empathy in parenting
Many books like those of harold hanson are abuse disguised as
logic... There's no appupriate way to punish scold force or intimidate a dog or child. "Mary Ann Tuli" wrote in message ... Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as well. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish Also, many of their others books have nice ideas. Many of their ideas seem so easy and logical. Mary Ann |
#7
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empathy in parenting
I just can't help but wonder if the poster was exemplifying something
else... and was not using "that's life" towards a child specifically wanting to pursue a personal dream. I can't imagine anyone not encouraging any child or anybody for that matter, in pursuing their dreams. Or, did I miss something here? Susan "R. Steve Walz" wrote in message ... M.E. Mitchell wrote: I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing, but in life there are responsibilities and limits. ----------------------------- That's a bad philosophy. Kids should be told they CAN and SHOULD obtain their dream, just not from you, or not from abuse of others. Dreams are supposed to come true. Steve "Calla" wrote in message om... I just wanted to share that I have started purposely being empathetic with my daughter (5yo) every time she gets upset or angry. The upset/anger is often caused by my not letting her do something she wants to do, or asking her do something she doesn't want to do. In those situations, it is a complete turnaround for me to behave empathetically in response to her anger or crying. I did not know that was something I should do. By empathy, I mean that I have been saying things like, "I'm so sorry", "I can see you are really angry", "I can see that really hurts", "this is sad," etc. I have been so surprised at her response. She is genuinely comforted by those words. The empathy diffuses her anger/crying and eventualy she asks me to tell her a joke to make her feel better. I got to this 'empathy' idea from hearing about "Love and Logic" and reading all of the materials posted on http://www.loveandlogic.com/Pages/0400articles.html I don't think "Love and Logic" is the be-all end-all parenting technique, but just using a few of their ideas has given me some great tools and shown me the power of empathy. Can someone recommend a book or two on empathetic parenting & handling behavior problems w/empathy? I probably will get one book on "Love and Logic," but I'd like to see some other sources on this topic as well. |
#8
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empathy in parenting
Sue Larson wrote:
I just can't help but wonder if the poster was exemplifying something else... and was not using "that's life" towards a child specifically wanting to pursue a personal dream. I can't imagine anyone not encouraging any child or anybody for that matter, in pursuing their dreams. Or, did I miss something here? Susan ---------------------- Yup. Dreams = Fantasies. Consider if your daughter(12) announced she wanted to pick 6 husbands from her classmates and **** them in her room from now on at the same time. That's an example of a deeply held personal dream. Now that didn't bother us at all, our daughter HAD multiple sex partners in her room, but I'm betting you'd go ****ing nuts. We just set a few more places for supper and asked help from them with the salad and macaroni, and the dishes and trash, and to keep it quiet if they wanted to be able to **** our daughter again. They did. Steve "R. Steve Walz" wrote in message ... M.E. Mitchell wrote: I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing, but in life there are responsibilities and limits. ----------------------------- That's a bad philosophy. Kids should be told they CAN and SHOULD obtain their dream, just not from you, or not from abuse of others. Dreams are supposed to come true. Steve |
#9
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empathy in parenting
In article ,
"M.E. Mitchell" wrote: I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing, but in life there are responsibilities and limits. "Calla" wrote in message om... I just wanted to share that I have started purposely being empathetic with my daughter (5yo) every time she gets upset or angry. The upset/anger is often caused by my not letting her do something she wants to do, or asking her do something she doesn't want to do. In those situations, it is a complete turnaround for me to behave empathetically in response to her anger or crying. I did not know that was something I should do. By empathy, I mean that I have been saying things like, "I'm so sorry", "I can see you are really angry", "I can see that really hurts", "this is sad," etc. I have been so surprised at her response. She is genuinely comforted by those words. The empathy diffuses her anger/crying and eventualy she asks me to tell her a joke to make her feel better. I got to this 'empathy' idea from hearing about "Love and Logic" and reading all of the materials posted on Well, there may well be times that kids need to be reminded that life is not always fair -- but there is nothing inconsistant with ALSO being empathetic. "I can see that you are really angry about that," and "Yes, sometimes life just isn't fair" are not incompatible messages. However, the vast majority of the time, empathizing with a child's emotional state is MUCH more effective at helping a child cope with life's unfairness than just saying "that's life". It sounds like instead of saying, "I can see this is upsetting, and I acknowledge that you are hurting" you are saying "Get over it. Stop being hurt." The latter ("get over it") was the message I always got from my Dad, and, for me at least, it only made me feel angrier and worse -- it NEVER helped me "get over it". Someone acknowledging my hurt -- that helped me get over it. meh -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#10
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empathy in parenting
Only you, Steve, could see it and explain it the way you did.
Susan "R. Steve Walz" wrote in message ... Sue Larson wrote: I just can't help but wonder if the poster was exemplifying something else... and was not using "that's life" towards a child specifically wanting to pursue a personal dream. I can't imagine anyone not encouraging any child or anybody for that matter, in pursuing their dreams. Or, did I miss something here? Susan ---------------------- Yup. Dreams = Fantasies. Consider if your daughter(12) announced she wanted to pick 6 husbands from her classmates and **** them in her room from now on at the same time. That's an example of a deeply held personal dream. Now that didn't bother us at all, our daughter HAD multiple sex partners in her room, but I'm betting you'd go ****ing nuts. We just set a few more places for supper and asked help from them with the salad and macaroni, and the dishes and trash, and to keep it quiet if they wanted to be able to **** our daughter again. They did. Steve "R. Steve Walz" wrote in message ... M.E. Mitchell wrote: I tell my kids "that's life". You can't always get your way or have everything you want. There are things I would rather have or be doing, but in life there are responsibilities and limits. ----------------------------- That's a bad philosophy. Kids should be told they CAN and SHOULD obtain their dream, just not from you, or not from abuse of others. Dreams are supposed to come true. Steve |
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