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#31
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Gag of the Week...
'Kate wrote:
Ubuntu Edgy (v. 6.10) on #1 son's recommendation and it's working well. #1 Son has grown up to be very wise man... The kind with the paycheck that says that 7 years of school was worth it... I hope! Ok, so sure, it took 5 full time and 5 part time years to do the 7 but hey... that's 'cause I have three kids. I call that "Life Experience". You do understand there are people who are really proud of your achievements dont you? (Enuf o that... I swear I'm filling up here ;-) ) Damn. I wish I had thought of that. Now I have to google chinchilla sheers. dont shear 'em ... skin 'em ... (make a casserole at the same time) I wasn't thrilled with Grisham after the first few books. Too formulaic. Yeah I know what you mean. I *loved* the first couple I read ... and now? not so much We just finished cooking veggie fried rice for 50. #1 son has a fundraiser at the college tomorrow. mmmmm veggie fried rice and fresh chinchilla burgers ... mmmmm Monday's my late work night... 7:30 am to 8:30 pm. It's nearly midnight and I have to get up by 5:30 but I'm... tired but maybe overtired? I could use a back rub. These are the times when I miss having a spouse. 'Cause... you know, rumour has it that some spouses help. really? ... I have no experience of that rumour ;-) Be kind to yourself ... have a holiday or summat -- Zorro This space to let ... |
#32
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Gag of the Week...
'Kate wrote:
Hey. Can you do me a favor? Or.. a favour. :-) What's my ICQ number? YHM -- Zorro This space to let ... |
#33
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Gag of the Week...
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really! " he said, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba." -- Zorro This space to let ... |
#34
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Gag of the Week...
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one
day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!" -- New to ASS-P ? http://www.assp.dynalias.net |
#35
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Gag of the Week...
"'Kate" wrote ...
8 [...] the joke's funny too but... what was that teacher doing using a snake to hold up her hose? Bada bum. ;-) you be Dean ... I'll be Jerry z -- New to ASS-P ? http://www.assp.dynalias.net |
#36
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Gag of the Week...
***An OLDIE .... But Good ***
Mens Rules Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again! Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We don't remember dates. . . .Period!! Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!! If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.) BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping. -- New to ASS-P ? http://www.assp.dynalias.net |
#37
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Gag of the Week...
(I dont believe a word of it ... but funny stuff)
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon. These are genuine responses!! (from 16 year olds)! Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A] Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas. Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head -- New to ASS-P ? http://www.assp.dynalias.net |
#38
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Gag of the Week...
"'Kate" wrote ...
they're too funny to be real. Absolutely ... even the first one gave it away ... Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Even I know the right answer to that one Bob Gaudio Tommy DeVito Gerry Polci Joe Long Frankie Valli's Backing group ... right? huh? wha? /sniff/ I'd best move to Swindon then ... ;-) -- New to ASS-P ? http://www.assp.dynalias.net |
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