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Help me someone!!



 
 
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  #1  
Old September 14th 04, 03:51 AM
Wolfhorse
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Default Help me someone!!

I am at my wit's end. I have a 6yr old boy whose mother has Borderline
personality disorder. When we divorced she got most of my money and
retirement. I have no more money for lawyers. Evertime she imagines some
slight she gets angry with me and she punishes my son. Either by treating
horribly or denying him time with me or right now canceling his Karate class
just to be mean. We have rotating custody and I still pay full child support
just to not rock the boat. Does anyone know of any groups that help single
fathers who are too broke to hire lawyers to protect their children? I
could tell you story after story of irrational behaviour that is damging to
my son. He cries for me when he's home and he never ever wants to go home or
even call his mother. I don't know what to do. It breaks my heart to see
just run over his feeelings over and over again. This disorder she has is
apparently a major deal and all her kids are suffering. Is there anyone out
there that can help?


  #2  
Old September 14th 04, 01:48 PM
lm
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On Tue, 14 Sep 2004 02:51:29 GMT, "Wolfhorse"
wrote:

I am at my wit's end. I have a 6yr old boy whose mother has Borderline
personality disorder.


Diagnosed or your opinion?

When we divorced she got most of my money and
retirement. I have no more money for lawyers.


Sounds like the one you paid first time 'round didn't do you much
good.

Evertime she imagines some
slight she gets angry with me and she punishes my son.


Many people claim their ex's do that; few ex's actually do.

Either by treating
horribly


Treating who horribly?

or denying him time with me or right now canceling his Karate class
just to be mean.


That's really her motivation? Did she say as much? Is she denying you
time together or is his schedule just not accomodating you as much as
you'd like.

We have rotating custody and I still pay full child support
just to not rock the boat.


If you're paying court-ordered child support that you believe is an
unfair amount, file to have it reduced.

Does anyone know of any groups that help single
fathers who are too broke to hire lawyers to protect their children?


Protect your child from what?

I
could tell you story after story of irrational behaviour that is damging to
my son. He cries for me when he's home and he never ever wants to go home or
even call his mother.


That could be explained by your making him feel guilty for leaving you
as easily as it could be explained by his mother's behavior.

I don't know what to do. It breaks my heart to see
just run over his feeelings over and over again.


His feelings, or yours?

This disorder she has is
apparently a major deal and all her kids are suffering.


Apparently? If you're going to file for custody based on her being an
unfit mother the judge won't require a lawyer but he'll require a
little more than your opinion.

Is there anyone out
there that can help?


I hope you find someone who can help your son.

lm
  #3  
Old September 14th 04, 02:43 PM
Tiffany
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Posts: n/a
Default

Might get some CS questions answered at alt.child-support.

Give that a try.

T

"Wolfhorse" wrote in message
...
I am at my wit's end. I have a 6yr old boy whose mother has Borderline
personality disorder. When we divorced she got most of my money and
retirement. I have no more money for lawyers. Evertime she imagines some
slight she gets angry with me and she punishes my son. Either by treating
horribly or denying him time with me or right now canceling his Karate

class
just to be mean. We have rotating custody and I still pay full child

support
just to not rock the boat. Does anyone know of any groups that help single
fathers who are too broke to hire lawyers to protect their children? I
could tell you story after story of irrational behaviour that is damging

to
my son. He cries for me when he's home and he never ever wants to go home

or
even call his mother. I don't know what to do. It breaks my heart to see
just run over his feeelings over and over again. This disorder she has is
apparently a major deal and all her kids are suffering. Is there anyone

out
there that can help?




  #4  
Old September 14th 04, 09:33 PM
Istara
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Posts: n/a
Default



Wolfhorse wrote:
I am at my wit's end. I have a 6yr old boy whose mother has Borderline
personality disorder.


Has she been diagnosed with a personality disorder - borderline or
otherwise - by a medical professional, or is this your opinion based on
observation without substantiating evidence?

Professional diagnosis makes a lot more impression on a judge than
unsubstantiated opinions of a lay-person. If she hasn't been diagnosed
and you genuinely think there's a problem, encourage her to seek
counseling. Keep track of incidents that you observe - write down dates,
times, and circumstances, and the names of anyone else who may have
witnessed the incident.

Lacking professional diagnosis, a record of incidents and witnesses will
have more impact in court, if you go to court on it, than will
unsabstantiated opinion. Also, keeping track of incidents may show that
they aren't as frequent or as bad as you thought, in which case you
might find that it was your own pain making things seem worse than they
are. Not saying it isn't happening the way you say, just that it sounds
like things are still fresh enough for you that you may be seeing them
with a "jaded eye" instead of with objectivity.

When we divorced she got most of my money and
retirement. I have no more money for lawyers.


Check your local phonebook, or contact the court that handled your
divorce, or your state's bar association, for a referral to your
local/regional Legal Aid Society or Indigent Services offices or a low
cost or pro-bono attorney in your area.

Evertime she imagines some
slight she gets angry with me and she punishes my son. Either by treating
horribly or denying him time with me or right now canceling his Karate class
just to be mean.


Are you sure she's doing these things to get back at you? Or is it
possible that you're seeing the situation through your own pain and it
isn't really as bad as it seems?

My son and I were taking karate together, before and right after his
father and I separated. I eventually had to discontinue the lessons due
to finances.

I'd been mainly a homemaker for most of the 15 years his dad and I had
been together, and was having difficulty learning to live on such a
vastly reduced income. I was working full time, and then some, but still
brought home less than half of what my son's dad brought home, which
meant that we were living on roughly a third of the income we'd been
used to living on. His dad has voluntarily given us child support every
month since we first separated, which has helped a lot, but still leaves
us living on about 60% of the income we were accustomed to having. We've
given up all but basic cable TV, cancelled our book clubs, removed long
distance service fromt the house phone line, changed our eating habits,
and cut allowances...

Lots of 'mean' things, from my son's point of view, but necessary to
live within our new budget and not have to be dependent on everyone else
around us for our support. I don't have as much time to spend with my
son as I used to, or as much energy to do things that we used to do, and
he sometimes gets really honked off at me and tells me what a horrible
Mom I am... But our bills are current, we have decent food on the table,
he has new clothes when he needs them, and he knows that Mom is doing
the best she can in a hard situation.

Kids get spoiled easily, and un-spoiling them can be hard. But
necessary, sometimes, even though they look at it as the vilest
mistreatment and make sure that everyone and God, too, knows how awful
their parent is being. Then, usually, they adjust to the new situation,
and things smooth out again.

Becoming a single parent is extremely stressful on the whole family -
and even the best parents sometimes take their stress out by being
short-tempered, impatient, or even irrational, at times. It's normal,
happens to the best of us, even happens to parents still happily married
or in a stable partnership, every once in a while. Is this really
happening "every time she gets angry" at you, or is it just the normal
stress of life coming out at times? Again, you might want to encourage
her to seek counseling. And seek it for yourself, to deal with your own
stress.

We have rotating custody and I still pay full child support
just to not rock the boat. Does anyone know of any groups that help single
fathers who are too broke to hire lawyers to protect their children?


Again, look for Legal Aid. My ex and I have shared custody, will have
shared custody when (if ever) the final divorce decree comes through
(it's been going on for a year, with no end yet in sight). He still pays
child support, because he still makes more than twice as much as I can
hope to make (more than that, at the moment, as I recently lost my job
due to a hearing disability that my employer was unable to accomodate
and haven't managed to secure a new job yet), with about 2/3s the
monthly expenses that I have. It's hard on him, sometimes, but he does
it without complaint or court order, because he looks at it as providing
for his son rather than as helping support a grasping ex. It might make
things a little easier for you, emotionally, to look at it that way, too.

I
could tell you story after story of irrational behaviour that is damging to
my son. He cries for me when he's home and he never ever wants to go home or
even call his mother. I don't know what to do. It breaks my heart to see
just run over his feeelings over and over again. This disorder she has is
apparently a major deal and all her kids are suffering. Is there anyone out
there that can help?


My son still cries for his dad, every once in a while, and cries when
it's time to come home. He and his dad have loads of fun together - they
like the same kinds of videogames, and Dad gives him just about anything
he wants, while I can't (financially) afford that. But he usually
settles down a few minutes after getting home and, if asked, has
admitted that the most fun thing about being with dad is playing video
games with him and being able to do what he wants to do. Make sure your
son isn't crying for you for similar reasons - if he is, you won't be
helping him by encouraging it.

A good family therapist might be able to help you. Start going by
yourself - you're in a difficult period of life, you've got a lot of
stress to deal with, and therapy can help if you'll let it. Once you've
started seeing the therapist, explained your situation to him or her,
you can work on bringing your son into therapy with you.

If you have financial issues that prevent you from going to a therapist,
go to your phonebook again and look for something called Community
Mental Health Services, or your local Family and Children's Services
agency - they can refer you to a low-cost therapist that works on a
sliding-fee scale, and will work with you to fit into your budget. If
that's too much to afford, talk to the counselor at your child's school.
At age 6, he should be in kindergarten, yes? Most public schools have at
least a part-time counselor - what a lot of people don't realize is that
the school counselor is frequently able and willing to work with parents
as well as with students, and often run workshops for single parents on
dealing with stress and divorce. Talk to your pastor at church, or
someone else whose opinions and wisdom you trust.

Point is, I guess, that you can get legal assistance - it IS out there,
though it can be hard to track down. But you've also got issues that can
be helped by talking to a counselor or therapist or even, possibly, just
by talking to a friend who's neutral enough to be able to help you see
past the pain and stress in your life right now so you can start looking
for some healing.

Personally, I've found a lot more help in talking to my best friend and
in reading and occasionally participating here than I found going to a
therapist, but... Everyone is different, and it just happens that I
trust my best friend more than I did the family therapist I was seeing.
She was a lot harder on me than the therapist ever would have been, but
that was just what I needed. And she knew it, because she knows me so well.

Good luck - hope it all works out well for you. Use your phone book and
community resources, and you'll be on your way.

~ Dor

 




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