Bullies at a birthday party

On Jul 6, 3:16 pm, Vickie wrote:


Thanks kindly, but there would be no mediator for this parlay. Say if
it was at my house and I ran into the problems here, I would take the
opportunity to try and teach the kids a bit. But not my house, not my
party.

Looks like he is going to get an opportunity to try some jockying and
weaving though. He decided to go. Not to sleepover as the invite
indicates, just for a few hours. His choice. I gave him some
pointers and will remind him a bit tomorrow morn. Main thing I told
him is to keep a cool head.

You're very welcome :-)

Good luck to your son, I'll be thinking of him and wishing him swift
weaves and a cool demeanor this evening.

On Jul 7, 11:58 am, GoogleID wrote:
On Jul 6, 3:16 pm, Vickie wrote:



Thanks kindly, but there would be no mediator for this parlay. Say if
it was at my house and I ran into the problems here, I would take the
opportunity to try and teach the kids a bit. But not my house, not my
party.

Looks like he is going to get an opportunity to try some jockying and
weaving though. He decided to go. Not to sleepover as the invite
indicates, just for a few hours. His choice. I gave him some
pointers and will remind him a bit tomorrow morn. Main thing I told
him is to keep a cool head.

You're very welcome :-)

Good luck to your son, I'll be thinking of him and wishing him swift
weaves and a cool demeanor this evening.

As will I.

Vickie

"Vickie" wrote in message
oups.com...
On Jul 6, 4:49 am, Banty wrote:
In article , Nina Pretty
Ballerina says...







"Vickie" wrote in message
roups.com...
Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

Vickie

i would tell your SIL straight, it is not her son you have problems
with,
it is the other kids. She might well agree.

I like the idea of getting him to try, with the i'm outta here if it
doesnt
work.

Good luck, and why does that Banty have to be so yes, condescending.
grrr
banty

Growlie-grr to you too!

You know what? I think this has a parallel to the whole gifting mess
people get
into.

There's this weird parallel 'etiquette' out there (yes, the one I kinda
grew up
too and have to deal with w.r.t. family) that's all based on "niceness"
but does
work for many reasons.

People feel obliged to accept invitations because it's not "nice" to say
'no'.
Which is completely not true. What temporarily blinds Vickie to the
simple fact
that her son can simply decline the invite, is this idea that it would be
offensive to her SIL. But that's hogwash. But you know what - if her
SIL was
raised that way (politeness is about 'being nice', which means not
turning down
birthday invites to cousin's birthday party), she *does* have a real
concern,
maybe SIL will be miffed.

It's just that to make her reluctant son go to the party should
absolutely not
be on the table as a possible solution to that concern. If it's
"condescending" for me to point that out, well so be it. In some things I
tend
to really feel the position the kid is in. As folks have noticed, I'm
not here
to win the Miss Congeniality prize. But I'm not uncivil either. In
general
:-)

Frankly, I don't think "telling SIL straight" is workable either. I
wouldn't
tell the SIL *anything* other than politely decline, from what I've seen.
No
possible good to come from fielding the "oh but he'll be fine" "he needs
to
learn to deal with it" or even "you're letting him wimp out" blah blah
blah
blah comments from the SIL. She does not have to explain herself at
all(another
dysfunctional feature of the alternate etiquette based on supposed
"niceness" or
"being truthful" is this thing about 'splaining yourself any time you
decide not
to go along with another person's plan).

Cheers,
Banty- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

The condescending part was the "Good Grief* and the tone I perceived.
Like - *Oh boy, here we go again, another idiot who can't think for
herself*.

Anyways, I understood the message, got over being sensative and it is
no biggie.

Vickie


i read it that way too, i was offended for yoU!

anyway, has the party happened?/ what did you decide to do?

chris

On Jul 7, 8:33 pm, "Nina Pretty Ballerina" wrote:

anyway, has the party happened?/ what did you decide to do?

chris- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

Yep, he went. Well, we all headed on over for a bit. Things seemed
fine. Going ok. Husband, I, and the girls walked home and in a
couple hours, our son showed up.
He had a problem with the same kid. Guess they all got into some
water balloons. Having fun, throwing them about. *The* kid nailed by
son in the crotch and proceeded to yell to everyone that my son wet
his pants. Well, if you have any idea about prepubescent boys, they
like to say *balls* a lot, if you get my drift and stuff in that
regard. So, to have a bunch of kids laughing at your wet family
jewels, looking and pointing, whether they believe you peed them or
not, is fairly embarrassing to an 11 year old.

Once again, he took the high road, said *I'm outta here* and came on
home. He did the right thing in my view. My husband would like son
to pop the kid in the nose, and I am starting to lean that way too.
(Sorry non-violent types, just had my fill with this brat).

Anyway, BIL, came over later with some cake. Wanted to make sure
everything was good. So I underestimated both SIL and BIL. Told him
what happened and he said he figured it was something like that. He
looked pretty whipped, said he already had to get stern with 3 of the
8 boys. I told him to have another beer.

Vickie

Vickie wrote:

Once again, he took the high road, said *I'm outta here* and came on
home. He did the right thing in my view. My husband would like son
to pop the kid in the nose, and I am starting to lean that way too.
(Sorry non-violent types, just had my fill with this brat).

Don't go there. Regardless of your position on
whether it's morally justified or not, if your son pops
the other kid, ultimately, it's going to be your kid who
gets in trouble. Kids who do this stuff all the time are
sneaky. They know when no one's watching. They have a
story in mind to explain whatever happens. They're often
not above laying a bit of a trap for another kid. Your
kid probably isn't that sneaky, and the end result is
that heads will turn just in time to see him pop the
other kid, apparently unprovoked (and, of course, there
will be many people who say that no matter what the
other kid was doing, it didn't justify a violent response).
The end result is going to be worse off for your son.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Jul 8, 7:31 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Vickie wrote:
Once again, he took the high road, said *I'm outta here* and came on
home. He did the right thing in my view. My husband would like son
to pop the kid in the nose, and I am starting to lean that way too.
(Sorry non-violent types, just had my fill with this brat).

Don't go there. Regardless of your position on
whether it's morally justified or not, if your son pops
the other kid, ultimately, it's going to be your kid who
gets in trouble. Kids who do this stuff all the time are
sneaky. They know when no one's watching. They have a
story in mind to explain whatever happens. They're often
not above laying a bit of a trap for another kid. Your
kid probably isn't that sneaky, and the end result is
that heads will turn just in time to see him pop the
other kid, apparently unprovoked (and, of course, there
will be many people who say that no matter what the
other kid was doing, it didn't justify a violent response).
The end result is going to be worse off for your son.

Best wishes,
Ericka

I don't know Ericka. I understand what you're saying. But what
really would ultimately happen if my son gives him a good wallop.
What - are the parents going to *say* something to me or my husband?
So what? I have already had it with this kid's folks for letting him
get away with this stuff. If they want to go around and spread some
vicious rumors about us or my son, I can be just as vocal and clue
everyone in on what there son is and does. And how they are complete
dipsh*** as parents.
Okay, I know I am going overboard. Sorry Ericka. Just peeved.

I am reminded of that saying men usually say - *He needs to be taken
down a few notches.* I don't think they mean verbally.

Vickie (really a nice person!)

Vickie wrote:
On Jul 8, 7:31 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Vickie wrote:
Once again, he took the high road, said *I'm outta here* and came on
home. He did the right thing in my view. My husband would like son
to pop the kid in the nose, and I am starting to lean that way too.
(Sorry non-violent types, just had my fill with this brat).
Don't go there. Regardless of your position on
whether it's morally justified or not, if your son pops
the other kid, ultimately, it's going to be your kid who
gets in trouble. Kids who do this stuff all the time are
sneaky. They know when no one's watching. They have a
story in mind to explain whatever happens. They're often
not above laying a bit of a trap for another kid. Your
kid probably isn't that sneaky, and the end result is
that heads will turn just in time to see him pop the
other kid, apparently unprovoked (and, of course, there
will be many people who say that no matter what the
other kid was doing, it didn't justify a violent response).
The end result is going to be worse off for your son.

I don't know Ericka. I understand what you're saying. But what
really would ultimately happen if my son gives him a good wallop.
What - are the parents going to *say* something to me or my husband?
So what? I have already had it with this kid's folks for letting him
get away with this stuff. If they want to go around and spread some
vicious rumors about us or my son, I can be just as vocal and clue
everyone in on what there son is and does. And how they are complete
dipsh*** as parents.
Okay, I know I am going overboard. Sorry Ericka. Just peeved.

Oh, I understand being peeved, and I understand
how attractive that option seems. I'm just suggesting from
experience that it often creates far more trouble than it's
worth. And once that rumor mill gets going, it's usually
a mistake to think you can control or direct it :-/

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article . com, Vickie
says...

On Jul 8, 7:31 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Vickie wrote:
Once again, he took the high road, said *I'm outta here* and came on
home. He did the right thing in my view. My husband would like son
to pop the kid in the nose, and I am starting to lean that way too.
(Sorry non-violent types, just had my fill with this brat).

Don't go there. Regardless of your position on
whether it's morally justified or not, if your son pops
the other kid, ultimately, it's going to be your kid who
gets in trouble. Kids who do this stuff all the time are
sneaky. They know when no one's watching. They have a
story in mind to explain whatever happens. They're often
not above laying a bit of a trap for another kid. Your
kid probably isn't that sneaky, and the end result is
that heads will turn just in time to see him pop the
other kid, apparently unprovoked (and, of course, there
will be many people who say that no matter what the
other kid was doing, it didn't justify a violent response).
The end result is going to be worse off for your son.

Best wishes,
Ericka

I don't know Ericka. I understand what you're saying. But what
really would ultimately happen if my son gives him a good wallop.
What - are the parents going to *say* something to me or my husband?
So what? I have already had it with this kid's folks for letting him
get away with this stuff. If they want to go around and spread some
vicious rumors about us or my son, I can be just as vocal and clue
everyone in on what there son is and does. And how they are complete
dipsh*** as parents.
Okay, I know I am going overboard. Sorry Ericka. Just peeved.

I am reminded of that saying men usually say - *He needs to be taken
down a few notches.* I don't think they mean verbally.

I think you're both right, frankly.

Bullies (the physical kind and other kinds as well) *are* quite practiced at
'flying under the radar'. While decent kids aren't. Ericka's definately right
about that. It simply does not pay to get down in the dirt with people like
that, as tempting as it may be sometimes. They have more motivation, more
practice, and fewer scruples.

On the other hand, there are times and there are times. Standing up physically
to a bully at the right time (and yes, that's publicly!) does do the trick very
often, and gains respect from other kids as well. Folks might not like that
fact, but kids aren't natural pacifists, even the ones that stay clear from the
whole scene.

It's happpened with me; it's happened with my son. Sometimes it's worth three
days' detention to put a long-standing problem out of the way.

Banty

On Jul 8, 8:59 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Vickie wrote:
On Jul 8, 7:31 am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Vickie wrote:
Once again, he took the high road, said *I'm outta here* and came on
home. He did the right thing in my view. My husband would like son
to pop the kid in the nose, and I am starting to lean that way too.
(Sorry non-violent types, just had my fill with this brat).
Don't go there. Regardless of your position on
whether it's morally justified or not, if your son pops
the other kid, ultimately, it's going to be your kid who
gets in trouble. Kids who do this stuff all the time are
sneaky. They know when no one's watching. They have a
story in mind to explain whatever happens. They're often
not above laying a bit of a trap for another kid. Your
kid probably isn't that sneaky, and the end result is
that heads will turn just in time to see him pop the
other kid, apparently unprovoked (and, of course, there
will be many people who say that no matter what the
other kid was doing, it didn't justify a violent response).
The end result is going to be worse off for your son.

I don't know Ericka. I understand what you're saying. But what
really would ultimately happen if my son gives him a good wallop.
What - are the parents going to *say* something to me or my husband?
So what? I have already had it with this kid's folks for letting him
get away with this stuff. If they want to go around and spread some
vicious rumors about us or my son, I can be just as vocal and clue
everyone in on what there son is and does. And how they are complete
dipsh*** as parents.
Okay, I know I am going overboard. Sorry Ericka. Just peeved.

Oh, I understand being peeved, and I understand
how attractive that option seems. I'm just suggesting from
experience that it often creates far more trouble than it's
worth. And once that rumor mill gets going, it's usually
a mistake to think you can control or direct it :-/

Best wishes,
Ericka- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

That's true. I suppose this boy will get his comeuppance sometime.
Vickie

On Jul 8, 8:52 am, Vickie wrote:

What - are the parents going to *say* something to me or my husband?

Not sure what State you're in, but where I am, even the most well
intentioned pop in the nose can sometimes lead to arrest, regardless
of the age of the popper. A co-workers 16 yo son threw a punch at an
acquaintance at a party (story goes the acquaintance was trying to
steal his wallet), someone called police on their cell and it ended up
being expensive for my co-worker. :-(

Understand completely what you're saying about brats and parents. Am
amazed sometimes what I see parents let their kids get away with and
then the parents wonder why they have a monster on their hands.

Happy to hear he BIL was gracious!