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Single Dad needs advice
i am a single dad with custody of my 11 year old daughter. i have had
custody since my ex left 4.5 years ago and signed over custody. my ex has regular weekend visitation, 4 weeks in the summer and alternating major holidays. she pays child support. the problem i am having is that my daughter and i have been together for the past 4.5 years and i've dedicated my life to raising her, taking care of her and providing for her while my ex ran off to have her fun time. for the majority of that time, my daughter has gone to see her mom but hasn't had much to do with her. when her mom use to call once every couple of weeks, my daughter would tell me to tell her she was in the shower or something and couldn't take the call. now my daughter seems to want to call her mom 2 or 3 times a week. weekeds there she spends time with her mom doing all sorts of things but when she's having her weekend with me she doesnt want to do anything with me at all anymore. we use to go to movies all of the time. almost every weekend. i dont think we've seen 3 in the past 8 months. she actually gets mad at me when i ask her to go and do something with me, see a movie, walk on the beach looking for shells like she use to love doing. it seems her relationship with her mother has stregthened tremendously while her feelings for me have lessoned to almost nothing. she doesnt respect me at all anymore and her tone and sassy comebacks have been heart piercing. i just dont know what to do. should i force her to go and spend time with me? im afraid if i don't our relationship will dwindle away to nothing. when i do tell her we're going out to spend some time together, grab dinner, play minature golf or catch a movie, she gets so angry that she purposly turns into a grouch and cops an attitude the whole evening just to ruin the night out of spite. if i let her have her way, she wouldn't have anything to do with me at all. should i allow that to happen? its ripping my heart out that i seem to be losing her and i dont understand why. im happy her relationship has improved with her mom but why must it at my expense? why is she under the impression that she's only allowed to have a relationship with just one of us? her mom really doesn't do a whole lot for her because she's too busy keeping tabs with her rich boyfriend. my daughter says when she's there, her mom pays most of her attention to her boyfriend. but it seems what few scraps of attention my daughter can get from her mom overrules me dedicating my entire life to my daughter. i just really dont know what to do. should i let my daughter go live with her mom? she hasn't asked to and i've asked her and she claims she doesnt want to but sometimes i really wonder if she just doesnt' have the courage to tell me she really does. i honestly dont believe she wants to because even my daughter deep down understands the situation her mom is in with her boyfriend. my ex is 32 and her rich boyfriend is almost 50. she's a trophy and soon will be approaching common law marriage. i personally belive she will be dumped and then the mony, nice condo, sailboat, horses and fancy cars will be gone. her boyfriend has been married 4 times and understands the headaches of marriage which is why he hasn't married her and i dont believe he'll allow a common law marriage situation to take place. im just really at a loss as to what to do. i dont want to lose my relationship with my daughter but it seems to be slipping away. we hardly spend any time together anymore other than the regular daily grind of getting her up mornings, taking her to school, picking up from school, homework, dinner and she retreats to her bedroom for the rest of the evening. i want to spend time with her on my weekends with her but she's only interested in her friends in the neighborhood and if i force her to spend time with me instead of them, she gets infuriated with me. she's only 11. am i supposed to lose her now? aren't i supposed to have at least a few more years with her before i lose my child to adulthood and her own life? i appreciate any comments or suggestions anyone might have. i dont really have anyone good to talk to about this nearby and just can't afford counceling. |
#2
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Single Dad needs advice
On Mon, 17 May 2004 10:03:26 -0400, "Sad Dad"
wrote: i am a single dad with custody of my 11 year old daughter. i have had custody since my ex left 4.5 years ago and signed over custody. my ex has regular weekend visitation, 4 weeks in the summer and alternating major holidays. she pays child support. the problem i am having is that my daughter and i have been together for the past 4.5 years and i've dedicated my life to raising her, taking care of her and providing for her while my ex ran off to have her fun time. for the majority of that time, my daughter has gone to see her mom but hasn't had much to do with her. when her mom use to call once every couple of weeks, my daughter would tell me to tell her she was in the shower or something and couldn't take the call. now my daughter seems to want to call her mom 2 or 3 times a week. weekeds there she spends time with her mom doing all sorts of things but when she's having her weekend with me she doesnt want to do anything with me at all anymore. we use to go to movies all of the time. almost every weekend. i dont think we've seen 3 in the past 8 months. she actually gets mad at me when i ask her to go and do something with me, see a movie, walk on the beach looking for shells like she use to love doing. it seems her relationship with her mother has stregthened tremendously while her feelings for me have lessoned to almost nothing. she doesnt respect me at all anymore and her tone and sassy comebacks have been heart piercing. i just dont know what to do. should i force her to go and spend time with me? im afraid if i don't our relationship will dwindle away to nothing. when i do tell her we're going out to spend some time together, grab dinner, play minature golf or catch a movie, she gets so angry that she purposly turns into a grouch and cops an attitude the whole evening just to ruin the night out of spite. if i let her have her way, she wouldn't have anything to do with me at all. should i allow that to happen? its ripping my heart out that i seem to be losing her and i dont understand why. im happy her relationship has improved with her mom but why must it at my expense? why is she under the impression that she's only allowed to have a relationship with just one of us? her mom really doesn't do a whole lot for her because she's too busy keeping tabs with her rich boyfriend. my daughter says when she's there, her mom pays most of her attention to her boyfriend. but it seems what few scraps of attention my daughter can get from her mom overrules me dedicating my entire life to my daughter. i just really dont know what to do. should i let my daughter go live with her mom? she hasn't asked to and i've asked her and she claims she doesnt want to but sometimes i really wonder if she just doesnt' have the courage to tell me she really does. i honestly dont believe she wants to because even my daughter deep down understands the situation her mom is in with her boyfriend. my ex is 32 and her rich boyfriend is almost 50. she's a trophy and soon will be approaching common law marriage. i personally belive she will be dumped and then the mony, nice condo, sailboat, horses and fancy cars will be gone. her boyfriend has been married 4 times and understands the headaches of marriage which is why he hasn't married her and i dont believe he'll allow a common law marriage situation to take place. im just really at a loss as to what to do. i dont want to lose my relationship with my daughter but it seems to be slipping away. we hardly spend any time together anymore other than the regular daily grind of getting her up mornings, taking her to school, picking up from school, homework, dinner and she retreats to her bedroom for the rest of the evening. i want to spend time with her on my weekends with her but she's only interested in her friends in the neighborhood and if i force her to spend time with me instead of them, she gets infuriated with me. she's only 11. am i supposed to lose her now? aren't i supposed to have at least a few more years with her before i lose my child to adulthood and her own life? i appreciate any comments or suggestions anyone might have. i dont really have anyone good to talk to about this nearby and just can't afford counceling. Think of yourself as not a single dad but a plain old dad. She's 11. She wants to spend time with her friends. You're invading her space, in fact even without the jabs at her mom you sound petulant that she should want to be with anyone but you. It's high time you stopped living your emotional life for her. I mean this very sincerely -- it's time to get a life, dad. :-) Really. The next couple of years your role is not to collect shells and play mini-golf but to nag about homework and chores, chauffer her and her friends around, and wonder if she's smoking. If she knows you're venturing out socially as well, you will have more in common than if you sit home and pine for her. If she's due home at 10 p.m., take the cell phone with you and go out and do something until 9:30 or so. Make sure she's involved in some community activities -- sports, art, an instrument, drama, whatever -- so it's not all "hanging out" time, but let her life outside of home begin without guilt from dad. And really, the jabs at her mom need to stop. Mom's moved on, the kid's growing up. Time for you to have some fun. lm |
#3
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Single Dad needs advice
What you are experiencing is so normal it is almost funny. An 11 y.o. girl
is going ot have those mood swings, emotional upheaveals etc. You haven't even seen the start of it yet :-) It is natural that she is starting to 'pull away' from you and start establishing her own 'self'. This is all part of growing up, changing from a child to a teenager. Parents become 'uncool'. God forbid she should be caught having 'fun' with you by her friends. Don't feel threatened by your ex / her mother. Your daughter will realize years later who the real parent was. No, do NOT send your daughter to live with her mother, but do continue to encourage a relationship between your daughter and her mother......kids need both parents. Again.....what you are seeing is perfectly normal, especially for a kid in her situation. She is treating you like a parent.....she is treating her mom like a visiting 'aunt' "Sad Dad" wrote in message ... i am a single dad with custody of my 11 year old daughter. i have had custody since my ex left 4.5 years ago and signed over custody. my ex has regular weekend visitation, 4 weeks in the summer and alternating major holidays. she pays child support. the problem i am having is that my daughter and i have been together for the past 4.5 years and i've dedicated my life to raising her, taking care of her and providing for her while my ex ran off to have her fun time. for the majority of that time, my daughter has gone to see her mom but hasn't had much to do with her. when her mom use to call once every couple of weeks, my daughter would tell me to tell her she was in the shower or something and couldn't take the call. now my daughter seems to want to call her mom 2 or 3 times a week. weekeds there she spends time with her mom doing all sorts of things but when she's having her weekend with me she doesnt want to do anything with me at all anymore. we use to go to movies all of the time. almost every weekend. i dont think we've seen 3 in the past 8 months. she actually gets mad at me when i ask her to go and do something with me, see a movie, walk on the beach looking for shells like she use to love doing. it seems her relationship with her mother has stregthened tremendously while her feelings for me have lessoned to almost nothing. she doesnt respect me at all anymore and her tone and sassy comebacks have been heart piercing. i just dont know what to do. should i force her to go and spend time with me? im afraid if i don't our relationship will dwindle away to nothing. when i do tell her we're going out to spend some time together, grab dinner, play minature golf or catch a movie, she gets so angry that she purposly turns into a grouch and cops an attitude the whole evening just to ruin the night out of spite. if i let her have her way, she wouldn't have anything to do with me at all. should i allow that to happen? its ripping my heart out that i seem to be losing her and i dont understand why. im happy her relationship has improved with her mom but why must it at my expense? why is she under the impression that she's only allowed to have a relationship with just one of us? her mom really doesn't do a whole lot for her because she's too busy keeping tabs with her rich boyfriend. my daughter says when she's there, her mom pays most of her attention to her boyfriend. but it seems what few scraps of attention my daughter can get from her mom overrules me dedicating my entire life to my daughter. i just really dont know what to do. should i let my daughter go live with her mom? she hasn't asked to and i've asked her and she claims she doesnt want to but sometimes i really wonder if she just doesnt' have the courage to tell me she really does. i honestly dont believe she wants to because even my daughter deep down understands the situation her mom is in with her boyfriend. my ex is 32 and her rich boyfriend is almost 50. she's a trophy and soon will be approaching common law marriage. i personally belive she will be dumped and then the mony, nice condo, sailboat, horses and fancy cars will be gone. her boyfriend has been married 4 times and understands the headaches of marriage which is why he hasn't married her and i dont believe he'll allow a common law marriage situation to take place. im just really at a loss as to what to do. i dont want to lose my relationship with my daughter but it seems to be slipping away. we hardly spend any time together anymore other than the regular daily grind of getting her up mornings, taking her to school, picking up from school, homework, dinner and she retreats to her bedroom for the rest of the evening. i want to spend time with her on my weekends with her but she's only interested in her friends in the neighborhood and if i force her to spend time with me instead of them, she gets infuriated with me. she's only 11. am i supposed to lose her now? aren't i supposed to have at least a few more years with her before i lose my child to adulthood and her own life? i appreciate any comments or suggestions anyone might have. i dont really have anyone good to talk to about this nearby and just can't afford counceling. |
#4
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Single Dad needs advice
"P.Fritz" wrote in message ... What you are experiencing is so normal it is almost funny. An 11 y.o. girl is going ot have those mood swings, emotional upheaveals etc. You haven't even seen the start of it yet :-) It is natural that she is starting to 'pull away' from you and start establishing her own 'self'. This is all part of growing up, changing from a child to a teenager. Parents become 'uncool'. God forbid she should be caught having 'fun' with you by her friends. Don't feel threatened by your ex / her mother. Your daughter will realize years later who the real parent was. No, do NOT send your daughter to live with her mother, but do continue to encourage a relationship between your daughter and her mother......kids need both parents. Again.....what you are seeing is perfectly normal, especially for a kid in her situation. She is treating you like a parent.....she is treating her mom like a visiting 'aunt' You said that to well its kinda scary Paul. He is right, its normal. Allow her to spend as much time as she likes with Mom. She knows you are going to be there for her no matter what. My daughter use to like to do tons of things with me too but she is 13 and she just likes to be with her friends and stuff. It sucks as the kids mature and grow up. They aren't as cute either. lol T |
#5
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Single Dad needs advice
"Tiffany" wrote in message ... "P.Fritz" wrote in message ... What you are experiencing is so normal it is almost funny. An 11 y.o. girl is going ot have those mood swings, emotional upheaveals etc. You haven't even seen the start of it yet :-) It is natural that she is starting to 'pull away' from you and start establishing her own 'self'. This is all part of growing up, changing from a child to a teenager. Parents become 'uncool'. God forbid she should be caught having 'fun' with you by her friends. Don't feel threatened by your ex / her mother. Your daughter will realize years later who the real parent was. No, do NOT send your daughter to live with her mother, but do continue to encourage a relationship between your daughter and her mother......kids need both parents. Again.....what you are seeing is perfectly normal, especially for a kid in her situation. She is treating you like a parent.....she is treating her mom like a visiting 'aunt' You said that to well its kinda scary Paul. He is right, its normal. Allow her to spend as much time as she likes with Mom. She knows you are going to be there for her no matter what. My daughter use to like to do tons of things with me too but she is 13 and she just likes to be with her friends and stuff. It sucks as the kids mature and grow up. They aren't as cute either. lol Unfortunately mine has gone from 'cute' to other parents calling her 'stunning' which scares the s**t out of me. That and some phone call by a boy (a first as far as we know) to her mom's house.. ARGHHHHHHHHH......time to dig out the "application to date my daughter" heehee T |
#6
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Single Dad needs advice
"P.Fritz" wrote in message ... "Tiffany" wrote in message ... "P.Fritz" wrote in message ... What you are experiencing is so normal it is almost funny. An 11 y.o. girl is going ot have those mood swings, emotional upheaveals etc. You haven't even seen the start of it yet :-) It is natural that she is starting to 'pull away' from you and start establishing her own 'self'. This is all part of growing up, changing from a child to a teenager. Parents become 'uncool'. God forbid she should be caught having 'fun' with you by her friends. Don't feel threatened by your ex / her mother. Your daughter will realize years later who the real parent was. No, do NOT send your daughter to live with her mother, but do continue to encourage a relationship between your daughter and her mother......kids need both parents. Again.....what you are seeing is perfectly normal, especially for a kid in her situation. She is treating you like a parent.....she is treating her mom like a visiting 'aunt' You said that to well its kinda scary Paul. He is right, its normal. Allow her to spend as much time as she likes with Mom. She knows you are going to be there for her no matter what. My daughter use to like to do tons of things with me too but she is 13 and she just likes to be with her friends and stuff. It sucks as the kids mature and grow up. They aren't as cute either. lol Unfortunately mine has gone from 'cute' to other parents calling her 'stunning' which scares the s**t out of me. That and some phone call by a boy (a first as far as we know) to her mom's house.. ARGHHHHHHHHH......time to dig out the "application to date my daughter" heehee My daughter is described as 'womanly'. So in other words, sexy, big breasted, use your imagination. Just shoot me and put my out of my misery. If you are just getting the phone calls from boys, count yourself lucky. I have just had to put a hold on incoming calls from boys and he isn't allowed to call them either. I caught her and her friend talking dirty on the phone. Again, just shoot me. T |
#7
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Single Dad needs advice
"Tiffany" wrote in message ... "P.Fritz" wrote in message ... "Tiffany" wrote in message ... "P.Fritz" wrote in message ... What you are experiencing is so normal it is almost funny. An 11 y.o. girl is going ot have those mood swings, emotional upheaveals etc. You haven't even seen the start of it yet :-) It is natural that she is starting to 'pull away' from you and start establishing her own 'self'. This is all part of growing up, changing from a child to a teenager. Parents become 'uncool'. God forbid she should be caught having 'fun' with you by her friends. Don't feel threatened by your ex / her mother. Your daughter will realize years later who the real parent was. No, do NOT send your daughter to live with her mother, but do continue to encourage a relationship between your daughter and her mother......kids need both parents. Again.....what you are seeing is perfectly normal, especially for a kid in her situation. She is treating you like a parent.....she is treating her mom like a visiting 'aunt' You said that to well its kinda scary Paul. He is right, its normal. Allow her to spend as much time as she likes with Mom. She knows you are going to be there for her no matter what. My daughter use to like to do tons of things with me too but she is 13 and she just likes to be with her friends and stuff. It sucks as the kids mature and grow up. They aren't as cute either. lol Unfortunately mine has gone from 'cute' to other parents calling her 'stunning' which scares the s**t out of me. That and some phone call by a boy (a first as far as we know) to her mom's house.. ARGHHHHHHHHH......time to dig out the "application to date my daughter" heehee My daughter is described as 'womanly'. So in other words, sexy, big breasted, use your imagination. Just shoot me and put my out of my misery. If you are just getting the phone calls from boys, count yourself lucky. I have just had to put a hold on incoming calls from boys and he isn't allowed to call them either. I caught her and her friend talking dirty on the phone. Maybe she has been reading your emails LMAO Again, just shoot me. T |
#8
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Single Dad needs advice
"P.Fritz" wrote in message ... "Tiffany" wrote in message ... "P.Fritz" wrote in message snipped Maybe she has been reading your emails LMAO I am almost offended. I don't allow my daughter on my PC, heck not even on the internet unless to research something for school, to which I am right over her shoulder. All my dirty emails remain in my private stash. T |
#9
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Single Dad needs advice
"Sad Dad" wrote in message ... i am a single dad with custody of my 11 year old daughter. i have had custody since my ex left 4.5 years ago and signed over custody. my ex has regular weekend visitation, 4 weeks in the summer and alternating major holidays. she pays child support. the problem i am having is that my daughter and i have been together for the past 4.5 years and i've dedicated my life to raising her, taking care of her and providing for her while my ex ran off to have her fun time. for the majority of that time, my daughter has gone to see her mom but hasn't had much to do with her. when her mom use to call once every couple of weeks, my daughter would tell me to tell snip Reinvent yourself. The happier you are, it will be a benefit to her.She feels safe with you and "fun" with mom. So be it. That is how it is with me. The ex only wants to keep the kids until the money runs out, because he equivilates that with fun. We both know it is not necessary and you truly lose getting to know your child with anger involved. I hope that makes sense. Just enjoy the time. i know it is tedious at times, but just sit back and relax. V |
#10
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Single Dad needs advice
On Mon, 17 May 2004 10:03:26 -0400, "Sad Dad"
wrote: i am a single dad with custody of my 11 year old daughter. Welcome to adolesence. Starts early these days. Make sure you've got some pads in the bathroom where she'll find him for when that hits, if it hasn't already. You're describing an archetypal early adolescent girl. They suddenly think you're a moron, they want nothing to do with you, their friends rule the world, any kind of altercation with anyone at school is the end of the world, and their eyeballs roll so far up into their heads so often you'd swear they were starting to turn inside out. I hate to tell you this, but it gets a LOT worse. The good news, is, it gets better, too. She's doing exactly what teen girls do: taking you for granted. She's drawn to Mom because Mom's not take-for-grantedable (damn, to think I just got elected communications officer! They'll be sorry). She's got a reliable Dad and a sugar Mommy and she's behaving exactly as one might expect. Believe me when I tell you, at the depths of her soul, she knows where her bread's buttered. She's obviously very secure in her relationship with you or she wouldn't be so cavalier. I agree with other posters who suggest you develop something of a social life of your own. It'll help you maintain perspective, give you other interests and let her know that you're a real person with real needs too. One of the best books I've ever read on adolescent females is, I kid you not, entitled, "Get Out of My Life, But First, Would You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" He http://www.reversephonedirectory.com...ch&locale= us "I'm not mad, I just hate you" is pretty good too, as I remember. Do everything you can to develop your sense of humour. You're gonna need it. Really. Here are examples from my own life: When my now 16 year old gets really obnoxious, especially as I know that when she does, in her case, there's usually heavy stress behind it, I just listen until I sense that she's calming to the right place. Then I say those magic words (this usually takes place in the car, because that's the only place I've got her prisoner and she actually interacts with me): "Open the glove box." When she hears this she groans, and says "No! Not that!" but she opens the glove box. In the glove box I keep a red foam clown nose. I put it on. She is unable to remain serious when I look at her wearing the clown nose. Use this with caution. They have to have a lot of venting out of their system first, or they'll think you're minimising their distress. You will usually find their distress to be over something miniscule, but NEVER tell them this. ;-) When both of my daughters hit that stage where they didn't want to be seen with me, and my very heartbeat was a source of catastrophic embarassment, I turned to Monty Python. In public. They would say, "Oh, MOM, DOON'T!!!!!" To which I would instantly respond, at a good healthy volume, "Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system!" They would get as far away from me as possible, which was generally helpful, and it got so they were afraid to complain about anything in case I launched into Monty Python. A little well managed fear can be a good thing. LOL Seriously. Get, nurture, sustain and enhance a sense of humour. It helps a LOT. And don't forget the time honoured mantra: "This too shall pass....this too shall pass...this too shall pass...." Don't try to compete against her friends. Not gonna win that one, and the friends will change approximately as often as she puts on deoderant, at least in the early years. They clique in, they clique out, the one she's sobbing snubbed her last week is her dearest friend next week and is the most foul of beings the week after that. You're the constant. Relax in the security of that and just wait about seven years for it all to blow over. At the end of it, you'll have an adult who can't remember the names of the buddies she hung with in grades six or seven, but who sure knows who to call for a hug or a loan or Thanksgiving dinner. she's only 11. am i supposed to lose her now? aren't i supposed to have at least a few more years with her before i lose my child to adulthood and her own life? Nope, you don't. She's developing her own life now, which means you've done well so far. You're not losing her, she's just becoming the adult you always knew she would. She's at the very beginning of that process, and it's gonna take a fair whack of years yet, but it's underway. Kiss goodbye to what's been and embrace what's coming, because you've got no choice, and you love *her*, not her stage. i appreciate any comments or suggestions anyone might have. i dont really have anyone good to talk to about this nearby and just can't afford counceling. You might poke around your local community organisations. Quite a few of them, at least here in Canada, run get together groups for parents of teens. Don't feel in the slightest like she's too young for you to seek them out. There, you'll meet other parents, hear their stories and worries, and get a handle on how normal and healthy yours really is. Good luck. Buckle your seatbelt. This is the famed adolesence, you've heard so much about. ;-) Cele (mother of daughters, 16.5 and nearly 19) |
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