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Single Dad needs advice



 
 
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  #11  
Old May 18th 04, 05:40 PM
aXis Computers & Communications
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Default Single Dad needs advice



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"Sad Dad" wrote in message
...
i am a single dad with custody of my 11 year old daughter. i have had
custody since my ex left 4.5 years ago and signed over custody. my ex has
regular weekend visitation, 4 weeks in the summer and alternating major
holidays. she pays child support. the problem i am having is that my
daughter and i have been together for the past 4.5 years and i've

dedicated
my life to raising her, taking care of her and providing for her while my

ex
ran off to have her fun time. for the majority of that time, my daughter

has
gone to see her mom but hasn't had much to do with her. when her mom use

to
call once every couple of weeks, my daughter would tell me to tell her she
was in the shower or something and couldn't take the call. now my daughter
seems to want to call her mom 2 or 3 times a week. weekeds there she

spends
time with her mom doing all sorts of things but when she's having her
weekend with me she doesnt want to do anything with me at all anymore. we
use to go to movies all of the time. almost every weekend. i dont think
we've seen 3 in the past 8 months. she actually gets mad at me when i ask
her to go and do something with me, see a movie, walk on the beach looking
for shells like she use to love doing. it seems her relationship with her
mother has stregthened tremendously while her feelings for me have

lessoned
to almost nothing. she doesnt respect me at all anymore and her tone and
sassy comebacks have been heart piercing. i just dont know what to do.
should i force her to go and spend time with me? im afraid if i don't our
relationship will dwindle away to nothing. when i do tell her we're going
out to spend some time together, grab dinner, play minature golf or catch

a
movie, she gets so angry that she purposly turns into a grouch and cops an
attitude the whole evening just to ruin the night out of spite. if i let

her
have her way, she wouldn't have anything to do with me at all. should i
allow that to happen? its ripping my heart out that i seem to be losing

her
and i dont understand why. im happy her relationship has improved with her
mom but why must it at my expense? why is she under the impression that
she's only allowed to have a relationship with just one of us? her mom
really doesn't do a whole lot for her because she's too busy keeping tabs
with her rich boyfriend. my daughter says when she's there, her mom pays
most of her attention to her boyfriend. but it seems what few scraps of
attention my daughter can get from her mom overrules me dedicating my

entire
life to my daughter.

i just really dont know what to do. should i let my daughter go live with
her mom? she hasn't asked to and i've asked her and she claims she doesnt
want to but sometimes i really wonder if she just doesnt' have the courage
to tell me she really does. i honestly dont believe she wants to because
even my daughter deep down understands the situation her mom is in with

her
boyfriend. my ex is 32 and her rich boyfriend is almost 50. she's a trophy
and soon will be approaching common law marriage. i personally belive she
will be dumped and then the mony, nice condo, sailboat, horses and fancy
cars will be gone. her boyfriend has been married 4 times and understands
the headaches of marriage which is why he hasn't married her and i dont
believe he'll allow a common law marriage situation to take place.

im just really at a loss as to what to do. i dont want to lose my
relationship with my daughter but it seems to be slipping away. we hardly
spend any time together anymore other than the regular daily grind of
getting her up mornings, taking her to school, picking up from school,
homework, dinner and she retreats to her bedroom for the rest of the
evening. i want to spend time with her on my weekends with her but she's
only interested in her friends in the neighborhood and if i force her to
spend time with me instead of them, she gets infuriated with me.

she's only 11. am i supposed to lose her now? aren't i supposed to have at
least a few more years with her before i lose my child to adulthood and

her
own life?

i appreciate any comments or suggestions anyone might have. i dont really
have anyone good to talk to about this nearby and just can't afford
counceling.





  #12  
Old May 18th 04, 06:03 PM
P.Fritz
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Posts: n/a
Default Single Dad needs advice

Damn Cele........seems like you are reciting the reader's digest version of
my last 3 years :-)

"Cele" wrote in message
...
On Mon, 17 May 2004 10:03:26 -0400, "Sad Dad"
wrote:

i am a single dad with custody of my 11 year old daughter.


Welcome to adolesence. Starts early these days. Make sure you've got
some pads in the bathroom where she'll find him for when that hits, if
it hasn't already.

You're describing an archetypal early adolescent girl. They suddenly
think you're a moron, they want nothing to do with you, their friends
rule the world, any kind of altercation with anyone at school is the
end of the world, and their eyeballs roll so far up into their heads
so often you'd swear they were starting to turn inside out. I hate to
tell you this, but it gets a LOT worse. The good news, is, it gets
better, too.

She's doing exactly what teen girls do: taking you for granted. She's
drawn to Mom because Mom's not take-for-grantedable (damn, to think I
just got elected communications officer! They'll be sorry). She's got
a reliable Dad and a sugar Mommy and she's behaving exactly as one
might expect. Believe me when I tell you, at the depths of her soul,
she knows where her bread's buttered. She's obviously very secure in
her relationship with you or she wouldn't be so cavalier.

I agree with other posters who suggest you develop something of a
social life of your own. It'll help you maintain perspective, give you
other interests and let her know that you're a real person with real
needs too.

One of the best books I've ever read on adolescent females is, I kid
you not, entitled, "Get Out of My Life, But First, Would You Drive Me
and Cheryl to the Mall?" He

http://www.reversephonedirectory.com...ch&locale= us

"I'm not mad, I just hate you" is pretty good too, as I remember.

Do everything you can to develop your sense of humour. You're gonna
need it. Really. Here are examples from my own life:

When my now 16 year old gets really obnoxious, especially as I know
that when she does, in her case, there's usually heavy stress behind
it, I just listen until I sense that she's calming to the right place.
Then I say those magic words (this usually takes place in the car,
because that's the only place I've got her prisoner and she actually
interacts with me): "Open the glove box." When she hears this she
groans, and says "No! Not that!" but she opens the glove box. In the
glove box I keep a red foam clown nose. I put it on. She is unable to
remain serious when I look at her wearing the clown nose.

Use this with caution. They have to have a lot of venting out of their
system first, or they'll think you're minimising their distress. You
will usually find their distress to be over something miniscule, but
NEVER tell them this. ;-)

When both of my daughters hit that stage where they didn't want to be
seen with me, and my very heartbeat was a source of catastrophic
embarassment, I turned to Monty Python. In public. They would say,
"Oh, MOM, DOON'T!!!!!" To which I would instantly respond, at a good
healthy volume, "Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the
violence inherent in the system!" They would get as far away from me
as possible, which was generally helpful, and it got so they were
afraid to complain about anything in case I launched into Monty
Python. A little well managed fear can be a good thing. LOL

Seriously. Get, nurture, sustain and enhance a sense of humour. It
helps a LOT.

And don't forget the time honoured mantra: "This too shall
pass....this too shall pass...this too shall pass...."

Don't try to compete against her friends. Not gonna win that one, and
the friends will change approximately as often as she puts on
deoderant, at least in the early years. They clique in, they clique
out, the one she's sobbing snubbed her last week is her dearest friend
next week and is the most foul of beings the week after that. You're
the constant. Relax in the security of that and just wait about seven
years for it all to blow over. At the end of it, you'll have an adult
who can't remember the names of the buddies she hung with in grades
six or seven, but who sure knows who to call for a hug or a loan or
Thanksgiving dinner.

she's only 11. am i supposed to lose her now? aren't i supposed to have

at
least a few more years with her before i lose my child to adulthood and

her
own life?


Nope, you don't. She's developing her own life now, which means you've
done well so far. You're not losing her, she's just becoming the adult
you always knew she would. She's at the very beginning of that
process, and it's gonna take a fair whack of years yet, but it's
underway. Kiss goodbye to what's been and embrace what's coming,
because you've got no choice, and you love *her*, not her stage.

i appreciate any comments or suggestions anyone might have. i dont

really
have anyone good to talk to about this nearby and just can't afford
counceling.


You might poke around your local community organisations. Quite a few
of them, at least here in Canada, run get together groups for parents
of teens. Don't feel in the slightest like she's too young for you to
seek them out. There, you'll meet other parents, hear their stories
and worries, and get a handle on how normal and healthy yours really
is.

Good luck. Buckle your seatbelt. This is the famed adolesence, you've
heard so much about.

;-)

Cele (mother of daughters, 16.5 and nearly 19)



 




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